Jsober

One thing I have been contemplating a lot lately is my desire to "fit in". I have always felt less than if I was different or wasn't standing out as one of the best. This has contributed to questioning my sobriety numerous times- that desire to fit in and not be different. But as an alcoholic I will always be different and be on the outskirts of the norm.
In sobriety I have lost numerous friends- drinking buddies really and I have missed out on opportunities to make new friends. This really does eat at me at times, even though I do know it's necessary. It mostly comes down to my insecurities of wanting to fit in.
I recently read something that got me thinking. It said that we are all not here to fit in, some of us are here to lead. It also said, is fitting in such a high virtue? No, it's really not. It takes a lot courage to go against the grain and do what is right for me. This is for me. I know I can't be a vocal leader when it comes to this issue, but I can lead be example. And somewhere down the line that may help another.
Just some thoughts I have, I don't post much- anyone else struggle with feelings of being an outsider and how do you deal or look at it?

BackToSquareOne

I think its more about following wisdom verses following the herd. Figuring out where the true wisdom lies can be a lifetimes work.

biminiblue

B2S1, BOY! Isn't that the truth?

I think I have stuff figured out and then I figure out I didn't know what I was talking about. A few years later, that changes again.

The nature of life is the mystery.

karate

When you find the right group you will fit in .

I found that group last year .

Anna

I think I did at the outset of my recovery because I was just really very lost.

But, I was lucky enough to find a volunteer position which changed my life. It wasn't something I planned, but the Universe had a plan for me. I was pleasantly surprised to start meeting some amazing people and started to give back and get outside of myself. I made some very close friends and mentors and I am still amazed how lucky I was to have had that experience.

Gottalife

I worked the steps and underwent a profound alteration in my reaction to life.

My obsessional thinking had me believe that all my friends drank and I would lose them if I stopped. That my alcoholic life was the only normal one and to be sober would not be normal, so I would be different and there would be no place for me to fit in.

Then I saw the truth. My obsession was a big fat lie.

I had already lost all my real friends through drinking. My alcoholic life was so abnormal I had no chance of fitting in anywhere or with anyone. In fact sober, I fit in fine anywhere, I enjoy the company of normal people, I have real friends, and a real sense of prupose and satisfaction about my life. I belong, and I enjoy.

this has been the consequence of a personanlity change sufficient to overcome alcoholism. I no longer need or want to drink.

fini

Jsober,

yeah, felt like an outsider most of my life.
and am neither a leader nor a follower, nor do i wish to be either.
those are not the only options.

no, i don't see fitting in as a virtue, but it sure FEELS good when i can. but if i have to turn myself into a pretzel to do it, nah, i'd rather be "outside".

hm...a lot of people feel they're "outside", even those who look to me like they're on the "inside". i've asked quite a few of them after getting to know them just a bit...
one interesting comment that i heard one day and which stayed with me went something like this: i'm one of you whether you think so or not.

i found it interesting because it hadn't occurred to me that the individual can decide; i had the notion, always, that the insider-group decides about who belongs...so, i think i can decide i'm one of, that i belong, whether i FEEL accepted or not.
and yes, it IS hard.
but SR is a good example of how these things can work: the more you participate, the less likely you are to keep feeling "outside".