Jeni26

I've been moving along in sobriety ok...I have a few difficult work issues at the moment which are causing me some anxiety. I've also got my family of origin stuff which rumbles on....some good visits to them, some really not so good...but that's fine. I've learned to accept them for what they are and have dropped my expectations and need for a 'happy ever after' storyline ending which was realistically never going to happen.

Everything is fine at home...marriage going well, kids happy and settled. I'm enjoying my sober life more than I ever thought possible. Well, actually I never thought it was possible to get sober let alone maintain it.

So, why now, out of the blue am I developing resentments against this guy at work so deep they are making me angry enough to drink on? I mean it's really not that serious...he is lazy and I'm ending up taking on some of his responsibilities. Honestly...that is it!

But I was consumed with thoughts of drinking when driving home from work yesterday....and it's been a long time since that has been in my mind. I started that old conversation in my head...you know the tape 'well you probably were never a 'real' alcoholic' 'why not just have 1 weekend off..you SO deserve it' blah blah blah. Also...my resentment just turned into absolute rage at this guy...totally over the top!

Is it that I'm coming up to my 2 year anniversary? Is it this time of year reminds me of my last relapse? Am I self-sabotaging? I'm not in danger...I've talked it through with my sponsor and I'm thinking a lot of my anger is based in fear.

I think I was like this last year too...anniversaries make me feel really wobbly for some reason.

Has anyone else felt like this?

soberclover

I was clean and sober for many moons before I relapsed on alcohol. I've been sober almost a year and a-half. For me I always got squirrely right around my anniversary time. Times like that I have to be extra careful about my actions, behaviors, and decision-making.

doggonecarl

Congrats on your two-year milestone.

I was scared at one year. Actually entertained thoughts of drinking, figuring one day of drinking out of 365 wasn't too bad. Got through that.

At two years things were going good. Maybe too good. I blogged about it:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ars-sober.html

By the three year mark, anniversaries hold no danger for me. I'm sober. I am blessed to be sober. Every day is a milestone of sorts, so the year marks hold no significance beyond that.

Four years...that's a couple months away. Looking forward to it.

karate

Don't let people rent space in your brain .

I have some immature /lazy /stupid .... use your favorite term ( here )

But have more good co-workers than bad ,I just leave the idiots alone -to their own devices of stupidity .

freshstart57

Jeni, I know you have the tools to recognize the source of these thoughts, to accept that it is understandable for you to have them and they will come from time to time, and to separate from them because you no longer drink under any circumstances. These thoughts are not you. They belong to that pleasure seeker / pain avoider part of your lower brain.

Support is there for you. Remember? You can do this if you simply believe you can.

Jeni26

Yes...I occasionally get a flicker..you know? That vision of a nice glass of wine at Christmas sort of nonsense that I can flick away without a second thought...but this? This was something else entirely. Anger has always been a sign of some real inner disturbance...it's been a year since I quit smoking too but I wanted to do that too. I struggled with these thoughts..I had started planning it. What I would say to my family etc.

I can do it of course. But God...that pull was strong. And...I always post here when I'm in trouble. And I didn't. I isolated. I swear if it hadn't been for a chain of circumstances which led me to have a conversation with my sponsor, I wouldn't have shared it. And that gives it power.

But I'm scared this will return..I can't really settle. And there's a few weeks to go..why are anniversaries so important anyway??

karate

Just my opinion ,But I have no idea when I quit .

What"s important is you are not drunk .

Longevity helps heal you ,I agree with that

Who really records the date ,and why is it important .?

seanie1888

Reading your posts in the past has been a great inspiration to me Jeni I know you will get by this.
Get him down on paper, find your part in it, are you been inconsiderate of him because he's lazy? He cant help the way he is, well mayb he can but we cant make him act any other way. We're not God,
Pray for him and let God remove the resentment.
I cant let anybody live rent free in my head, I must pray for their health, wealth, prosperity and happiness (page 552 in our book) and God will free me.
Sean

seanie1888

Oh and love, I must send love to the person who is causing me a resentment.
I find that it works for me.

On thinking about drink, we are alcoholics after all, of coarse its the first thing we will think of. But great of you to catch it early before it took roots

Jeni26

Seanie...I think he is struggling, and you're right I should be compassionate. I AM usually.

But doing aspects of his job as well as my own when the job is pressured anyway is driving me mad. But I think I'm just using it as an excuse really. Don't know.

Thanks guys. I should just be able to sail past this shouldn't I really?

biminiblue

Can you give his unfinished work to your superior and let him/her deal with it?

Jeni26

Thank you Carl. I read your blog, it was very helpful.

Well today is a new day. I will spend it practising gratitude and kindness and pull myself out of this self-pitying nonsense. So what if I've got to work all day tomorrow to catch up? That's just the way it is. I will go to the gym and try and run off some of this anger.

And I will tell the vodka monster who is whispering his lies in my ear right now where to go. I know what you're trying to do.

In the past 2 years I've given up drinking and smoking, I've joined a gym, I take walks in the countryside, I'm learning how to cook and take better care of myself. I still do a dance with the sugar devil, but I have more good days than bad....

Time to let it go...grrr!

Dee74

Sometimes I think people just rub us up the wrong way, Jeni, and being obsessional types we stew on that

there's nothing like a situation where it's not in your power to change someone else to make us think of drinking....

We can definitely change how we react tho.

I'd probably start with not cleaning up his mess anymore?.

Remember that book Illusions by Richard Bach - the one with the blue feather on it?

Don't sweat the small stuff. It's all small stuff.

Words to live by

Remind yourself why you do the job you do...remind yourself of the good things in your life, and all the bad things you've left behind.

Compared to all that, this guy and his indolence is a gnat of a problem, yeah?

D

Jeni26

Yeah you're right Dee. Thank you.

Weird how I can deal with major stuff....but it's the small stuff that gets me.

awuh1

WOW lots of good stuff in this thread.

I just want to add that sometimes it's not the anniversary that is the problem but the things that tend to happen during that time of year that may be stressful. In the past this might have caused us to drink more at that specific time of year, which eventually, lead to a bottom which coincided with the time of greatest annual stress. Then, when that time of year happens again, all the stresses return, and with them thoughts of drink. The lazy guy may just be the flash point.

IMO it's about staying in fit spiritual condition Jen.

I'm glad you saw your sponsor.

Jeni26

Awuh...you are SO RIGHT! I hadn't even thought of that...it's the busiest time of the year for me at school...report writing time, lots of staff stressing, organising classes for next year, people panicking about working in different rooms, with different kids and staff, meeting new anxious parents who are worried about their kids starting school. I always take a little bit of everyone else's stress and carry it with me though I try not to.

And we've a friend who comes to stay with us..a drinker. Great fun, lovely guy, his drinking doesn't bother me...but I worry about H being tempted. It's always in May he stays. That's at the back of my mind.

This time of year...it's manic and fraught enough...that's why I am so angry at taking on someone else's stuff right now!!

And of course...my relapse 2 years ago...big emotional weekend.

Obvious. I can do this.

Croissant

Jeni. I hope to have 2 years sobriety one day....firstly, that's 2 years of caring for yourself that is precious.

Others have said so much, and I'm sure it will help.

My first slip was over someone at work. And after I scraped myself out of a bender....what did I gain? Probably more hatred towards that person...I felt like I had let them violate me and my life.

Don't let anyone or anything take away this away from you, Jeni.

It's frustrating there is still a voice somewhere that pops up drinking on the option list. Doesn't happen much, but just the fact it's in the fine print somewhere, Uggggh!

Please dig deep and see the very special person you are becoming because of not drinking. No person, no life situation, is worth separating her from you. Please protect her, she is precious.

karate

My job takes more out of me than I think it should .

I'll still give 100% , not 150%.

It takes so much out of me , I'm tired all the time.

Jeni26

I am totally dedicated to my job. I'm first in in the morning and last one out at night. I have long stressful days...but I need to learn that not everybody shares that way of doing things. I've been told by friends I'm too obsessive, but I call it devotion. Ok...maybe there's a tiny bit of obsession. But I work with kids with severe and complex learning difficulties..they face many challenges, many have conditions that are life-limiting, some don't ever 'graduate' from school. Their life expectancy isn't great.

I think I get frustrated when others don't put in the effort they should. Our school is a happy place...it is a challenging field to work in yes..but why do it if you don't want to. Some days are very hard.

I can't stand indifference or laziness..not at work. Don't get me wrong..im a complete slob at home..untidy, disorganised, forgetful. But not when I'm paid to do a job.

Guess this is all my stuff isn't it? Too high expectations and intolerance. I've an endless supply of patience with the kids...and for staff who need support, but not for people who just 'show up'.

Anyway...why am I still venting???!!!

Time to move on. I'm actually feeling a lot better (as long as I don't think about him!)

Grungehead

Sean mentioned the prayer for resentments on p. 552 of the BB:

If I follow the instructions of saying it every day for 2 weeks it usually works. If not I resort to praying that the person I resent will receive everything they deserve, I mean need.