bob2093

Hello All. I have used this forum for years while I fight my own battles. I enjoy my beer. I am not your normal drunktard. I have a company I built from the ground up day in and day out. 10 years it took to make it something big enough to enjoy. I'm a father of 3 and I enjoy every moment I have with them. The first 2 are from my first marriage. The little one is from my last relationship. My last relationship ended about 2 months ago. In January I got an OWI. I was sober until she left. I thought the drinking was gone we would work things out. I have done aa and I have been reading the big book. I currently am going to a counselor to help with the drinking. I was raised a Christian however my faith is shot. My company revolves around science. Just need some advice. In aa how do I commit to a higher power? We all have stories and life is a bitch. How do I work on myself when trying to be a father to my kids and manage my company? Reading through the friends and family department I can't imagine how much pain I have caused the girls of my past. How do I forgive myself for the hell I have put my family and friends through? The one day at a time doesn't work for me. If I have a bad day I'll get drunk to forget it. If I have a good day I'll get drunk because I deserve it. I love everything I have in my life. I feel I deserved this life. Why is drinking so powerful? Why would I chose to hide in this shell and get drunk? To any and all people I'm sorry us drunks have hurt you the way we have. I promise we didn't plan on this to happen to us when we where young. I wish I could get my last 10 years back. It would be so much different.

huntingtontx

Hi Bob, and we all know where you are coming from. Alcohol was our best friend and worst enemy. Until you quit drinking for a while it is hard to believe you can live without it or that you would want to. After a few months without alcohol, you realize life is so much better sober. I have no desire to return to a world where alcohol controlled me. I want to remember what I did every night. You get the picture. I am glad you are here, and you have come to a place of love, help, support and friends. SR is a powerful site. If you want to get sober and live a life free of alcohol, you are in the right place. I look forward to getting to know you.

airwick

Bob-

We can't change the past , but we can learn from it and have a great future!

LBrain

When I was young I wanted to invent a cure for viral infections. Later in life I wanted to figure out how to accelerate radioloactive decay. Now I want to invent a cure for alcoholism.
Well... people still get colds, cobalt 60 still takes 7 plus years to decay. And I still can't drink.

All I can say Bob is try not to beat yourself up too much. Commit to sobriety. And live your new life like you always wanted to. We don't get an unlimited number of second chances. Use it wisely.

leviathan

Bob, hi. Sounds like you could enjoy your successes more without the booze.

When you get a chance, check out the secular recovery forum. This battle can be fought with different tools.

leviathan

Sorry. Its called secular connections.

wensical003

Hi Bob, I'm new here. Read your post and my heart goes out to you. The fears and doubts that you are having are normal but I think that by reaching out to other people about our addiction we stand a chance. God wants his people to connect to each other to help each other. Thank you for your honesty about yourself and what your going through.

karate

Don't have to do AA to quit .

Lots have done very well with AA , some of us without it .

If you don't do AA , the big book is online and free .

Its a good read to understand ,at least your problem .

God is still there as well ,just waiting for you to reach out .

Gottalife

Hi Bob,
Welcome to SR.

just a couple of observations.

Re your higher power questions... Alcohol is currently your higher power. To beat it you will need an even greater power.

How to commit to a higher power? Well for me that involved trying everything else first. When I reached a point where all other avenues had failed, scientific, therapeutic, medical, etc, I was left only with the spiritual possibility.

Was I willing to believe that the same power that worked for all those AAs might possibly work for me too? I was at least willing to believe it might be possible, so I started on the steps. I gave up on self help and went in for God help instead. I didn't have to fix myself, my life has not been one long struggle to be a better person.

Through the steps I have made contact with the power, the way I live, my attitudes are intuitive these days, not cognitive. I naturally behave in a way that means I don't need to drink. And the change came about without any real effort on my part. Just some willingness.

bob2093

I could read every book about this problem. I enjoy knowing I have a problem. I know I have took the first step. There must be a cause to this. We should be able to make our own destiny. There is no way in hell we can't find a fix for it. I know the rules "Don't pick up the first drink". I have children that are getting to the age of being young adults. In no way am I stable enough to deal with the changes. In my company we fix problems. How do I fix me?

Gottalife

That's a question I can't answer. If I could have fixed myself I would have done long ago. I almost died trying, but the required power wasn't there.

Paradoxically, when I realised I couldn't fix myself, when I was forced into admitting complete defeat, and I became willing to consider that a power greater than myself, even an AA group was more powerful than me, might work, I commenced to recover.

I didn't know how to fix myself, but I was fixed none the less.

Gottalife

Actually Bob, it might be better to look at this discussion as about choosing a method to effect a fix. You rightly say there has to be a fix and there is.

There are a range of fixes that we can try.

A simple decision to never drink?
Rehab?
Medication?
A geographical cure
A rearrangement of our personal circumstances?
A few sage words from a doctor or therapist that will change our lives?
Cognitive behavioural therapy?

Most of us have tried some or all of the above. Sometimes we have success. If we don't, perhaps we reach a place where a spiritual method of fixing our problem should be tried.

You mention not taking the first drink. Sounds simple, but if you are an alcoholic of my type, not taking the first drink may prove impossible, even though you can't fault the reasoning behind the idea.

At some point in our drinking we lost the power of choice. Whether or not you can recover on a non spiritual basis will depend on the extent to which you have already lost the power to chose whether you will drink or not. At certain time alcoholics of my type are without defence against the first drink.mif that's you, you may be suffering from an illness which only a spiritual experience will conquer.

Kitkat331

I heard someone once say "glance in the rear-view mirror, but don't stare." I think--especially in early sobriety--you can make yourself crazy by obsessing too much about the mistakes of the past. The important thing is that you're making a different choice now and your kids are getting to see that. Putting your sobriety first is going to help you be the best dad to them that you can be.

You can do this!

huntingtontx

I think you have taken the first steps in reaching out here and admitting you have a problem. You can do this, and we are all here to help. We are all using different methods. I have never been to an AA meeting but I have studied all the steps. I have read a lot of the Big Book. I have also looked into other ways to stop drinking. It does not matter so much how you do it, but that you do it. You can do this. You will grow and learn just like the others that have stopped drinking before you. You can get your life back. Hang around, post, read posts. I have never said, Oh, I am so sorry I was sober last night. You are in my prayers Bob.

pdoc

Hi Bob, I to was in your position with a company, raising my children as a single dad, had all the gadgets, money and materialistic stuff. Then bang!! A six year or so love affair with alcohol and drugs seen me loose the lot, ended out in massive debt with nothing and know one.

The difference between you and me.... Your reaching out for help and I didn't until it was all gone.

So keep it simple, and don't drink one day at a time and I pray that you keep what you have.

KateL

Hi Bob xxx

TigerLili

You don't have to think of God as a supernatural being. God can be all the good stuff in you and other people, and a source of support and inspiratoin to turn to.

My Higher Power is not Santa Claus in the sky deciding who has been good and who has been bad.

In AA you can choose any concept of a Higher Power that works for you. SOme people choose comic book characters, come people choose a more traditionally aspected God. The only thing that matters is that it works for you. And you don't have to get it all at once.

MnEman

I might suggest a dose of humility as well. When you say your are "not the normal drunkard", what do you mean? If you are implying that most alcoholics are unmotivated and unsuccessful at their careers, you are sadly mistaken. Also, be aware that success in your career is no real help in fighting this disease. The world is full of "high functioning" alcoholics, who in the end, are still just drunks with more money. If I seem blunt, its from LOTS personal experience with this condition. Best wishes, post back and let us know how you are doing!

gaffo

Throwing that whole"high functioning alcoholic" BS in the trash where it belongs was a big start for me. If I was so high functioning as an alcoholic imagine what I would be without alcohol. I imagined myself being a badass without lugging all that boozy baggage around all the time and I was right. It absolutely made me a better father. You think OWI is bad, try Reckless Child Endangerment! Husband? I'm still working on that but it's a lot easier without wearing the beer colored glasses. I'm certainly better at running my business. Good luck, Bob. Oh yeah, the best part is that life is simply more fun and interesting once you let go of the drinking. It's not easy at all, but it is worth it.