CodeJob

Hi!

RAH one year sober s/p AA 12 step based inpatient 28 day rehab. He chose to go to rehab. He picked rehab program. I did not take him there. He claims he lives 12 steps and reads AA materials but no meetings/ no sponsor.

Last week RAH tried to blame his Rehab on me. He was pretty pouty when I corrected him that those were his decisions. I pointed out although he was kicked out of house (by me of course!) he could have gone elsewhere or gotten some dive lodging... So I pressed him a bit and he admitted he felt forced to go to rehab and he wasn't ready. I said, what do you mean? He said, "I wasn't done." Drinking? I asked. He said, "Yeah." I think I said, Oh. This is a big improvement in that I did not smack him upside the head and cuss him out. I think I just acknowledged it and walked away before I got hamster wheel codependent.

I am going away this weekend. He has house to himself.

Am I right to be on red alert? Thanks for your expert input.

doggonecarl

I don't think it's unusual for someone with a year sober to question his path and start to miss drinking, thinking perhaps their problem wasn't that bad. With a good support system, expressing such doubts, he might be able to shake such doubts off.

But for your husband...with simmering resentments...it might be tough. As we say here on SR, the relapse happens well before the drinking.

yeahgr8

What are you doing for your own recovery, i would concentrate on that:-)

You could try the Friends & Family section:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ly-alcoholics/

Mountainmanbob

When an alcoholic tells us that
they are not done drinking
we can bet money
there is much more of the
liquid devil a coming
MM

CodeJob

Thanks Mtn Bob & Carl. Thank you for your opinion.

Yeah girl, if I wasn't working on my own "recovery" I would have gone hamster wheel and tasered him for safe measure. Oh and then I would have canceled my weekend and watched him with an evil eye!

biminiblue

Pouty man needs to get back to AA meetings. I think he needs a sponsor, since he appears to be having trouble understanding the literature. Pretty sure he's not going to take that advice from me.

He must not have heard the "Keep coming back" part, either. Poor guy. Can't read, and his hearing is going. I'll pray for him.

CodeJob

Ha ha BiminiBlue! Yes he acts like an old fart at times!

leviathan

My spouse knew i had a problem. She also gave me feedback which i ignored. When i finally threw the white flag, and went to rehab, it was MY decision. For real. I just cant see it working any other way. To choose sobriety without wanting it has to be excruciating.

-if you two can examine this conversation in a civil manner, you might ask him what "done" looks like in his mind.

I reached that point. (Thankfully still with good health).

If i wanted to tie one on, i REALLY believe nothing about the experience would be new or teach me in any way. It would be like watching a crappy movie, with me in the title role for the 4,563rd time. What an absolute drag...

Tetra

Wow, that sounds so ominous...yet very true.

karate

He is a year sober and not happy about that ...........?

Now I don't understand that at ALL .

Has to feel better ?

I guess some people don't enjoy not being depressed and hungover ?

Im amazed by that .

CodeJob

Leviathan,

My H chose rehab on his own accord. All I did was enact my boundary that if you want to drink, our family home is no longer accessible. I was surprised he went but I did not push him in any way. He did have other options.

My opinion has not been well received for 20 years in regards to alcohol. It is a touchy subject. I am just going to watch and wait. He knows where help is. I am really trying to stay out of his recovery. I have my own sweeping business going with Step 4.

Karate, yes I did not understand it myself - but then I am not an A. I think he just cannot accept the reaction he has to it will compel him far beyond one. But that is Just my assessment over the past 7 years.

I guess I will pray for him. That is really all I can do without duct tape.

Thanks everyone for your input!

karate

I don't know if im an alcoholic either ,But I do know I feel better without .

And drinking has caused me some problems ,So the decision to not drink is simple .

Hearts

I feel the same way about my first trip to the hospital to detox. If my bf at the time hadn't found me passed out and called my parents, I would have continued on my drinking path. Instead, I tried to get sober. That didn't last long at all. However, about three years after THAT I found myself finally ready. And I called my mom and checked myself into the hospital. I went a year sober and spent months slipping up (until this last time). But, while I consider that first hospital trip worthless... it really wasn't. It just wasn't as useful as it could have been if I had been ready. That said, the fact that he's telling you this now and being upset about it... I would see that as him planning to drink again and you are totally correct to be on red alert.

GracieLou

When I attempted sobriety the first time I said it was for me and my BF.

When things got tough and the cravings were at high volume, then it was for my BF.

When I went back to drinking after five months, it was his fault for forcing me to give up something for him. I drank another ten years before I was really done.

He wants to drink but of course cannot blame himself. It does not sound like he has worked the steps or if he has he has not continued to work the in his life and embrace sobriety. He wants to go back to drinking and needs an escape goat, which is you.

If he truly wants to drink, there is not much you can do. I am honestly surprised he admitted it. Most just go and get drunk and play the blame game after the fact.