rc4dt1

I posted this in substance abuse but going to try here, too. If anyone can offer support, hope, or can relate to this I would love and appreciate hearing from you. Or maybe I just need to be smacked upside the head!

I’m struggling… I feel a constant underlying fear. Fear that I am sick. Fear that I will not attain inner peace, acceptance, and happiness. Fear that I will be alone. Fear that, despite my best efforts, things will keep getting worse… like I am decaying away and the end will be in an institution. I recognize that to be extremely irrational and unlikely, but that is how the story unfolds in my thoughts.

Short version of my story: Ok childhood (had friends but was bullied quite a bit). Started drinking in HS to fit in. Increased using in college to fit in more. Started doing drugs (E and coke) towards the end of college and that has continued at varying levels of regularity since. I’m 36 now. I primarily used on the weekends – binging. I used to cover up sever insecurity, self-doubt, and eventually some depression and anxiety. When I look in the mirror I see a different version of what others see. Others compliment me on my looks, intelligence, kindness, etc… I see it sometimes but my default feeling is being “less than” and beating myself up. I also have some other “habits” that are used to cope… internet addiction and women. Those present a fine line because both are healthy in normal regards. I judge their burden by the fact that when I try to cut them out I encounter elevated stress levels and find it difficult to abstain. I have been to drug/alcohol rehab 3 times (inpatient 1, outpatient 2). I have tried to do it on my own. AA seems to be the most effective because it provides me support and sober friendships.

Today I have been sober for 19 days. Over the last 4 months I have used 4 times. That is progress for me. Up until 19 days ago I was trying to do it on my own. With the help of AA and the support I can tap into my sobriety feels stronger than at any point over the last 4 months. Before 2014 I had periods of sobriety of 6 months a couple times, a year, and 4 or 5 months. I started trying to clean up in 2010.

Until January 2014 I have been in relationships with women. The one that ended in January was a 5+ year relationship with a great girl but I couldn’t make it work because of my issues (and I’m not sure we were right for each other). I broke things off several times but we kept going back to each other (yes, codependent as well). I miss her BAD but I know I can’t be with her right now. She deserves better and I need to get healthy. My other relationships have been volatile as well… lots of break ups and reuniting, fights, cheating, etc. My most recent ex was definitely the most down to earth, supportive, loving woman I have ever been with. But the passion wasn’t there. I struggle with whether I had an issue with that because I’m unhealthy or because passion is necessary and it’s ok that I wasn’t all-in. Probably a mix of both.

So I am dealing with the loss of a best friend (my ex), trying to get sober, doing my best to remove my vices (internet reliance, dating), working a stressful job, going to meetings and trying to work the steps, seeing a therapist once a week, considering going back on a mild SSRI, exercising 4-5 times per week, reading self-help books, talking to people, trying not to isolate, meditating for 30 minutes per day (been doing this since January and it’s amazing how much more aware I am), and just overall trying to do the next right thing for myself.

I guess I am giving myself the best chance but I wish there was a guaranty that I will heal. The uncertainty is terrifying. Thanks for reading and thanks everyone for being here.

airwick

Sounds as if you deserve little a bit of luck to roll your way. I quit on the 17th of March, so pass some Irish Luck your way.

(sh....I'm not even Irish but don't tell anyone )

airwick

a little not little a

karate

You know what it can get a lot BETTER .

If you want some books to read ,Ill be glad to provide titles .

My life used to SUCK BAD ,now it does not .

Of course , you need a rx for SSRI meds anyway , so go to the doc .

I have took SSRI"s and had good success with them ,during the process .

I think the books helped me more than the drugs , I don't take Zoloft now .But refer to my library of self help books pretty often .

Get the books on audio ,listen to them while driving .Cant do anything else positive then ..........

doggonecarl

You are 19 days sober compared to HOW LONG you drank and used?

Be patient. With yourself and with your expecations. Give your mind and psyche time to heal.

Kris47

Rc4,

First of all, CONGRATS on Day 19! Really try and make it stick this time. You're making it happen NOW.

Also, You may be trying to tackle too much or are looking at too much with regards to yourself. The number one thing is your sobriety right now. Be kind to yourself and just concentrate on that. You say AA is working for you so keep going to meetings. Find a home group and pray to your higher power. Start working the steps 1-3 or at least thinking about it. The steps will ultimately turn you into the person you want to be. I think you are worrying too much. Just worry about staying sober. That will get you where you want to go. Don't look back, you're not going that way.

rc4dt1

Thanks for the reply and thanks to everyone else who has read/replied also. I really appreciate the support.

I think I am trying to tackle so much because I recognize how all of my issues threaten my sobriety. I feel like if I "worry about .... later", the "...." could be the thing that comes back to bite me.

But you are right. I am historically extremely hard on myself and I do place unreasonable expectations on myself. I will give it some thought and try to chill a bit. I have to remind myself to breathe lol.

thanks again

Gottalife

The steps provide the solution to your problem. As we make the step 3 decision, and commence to work on the rest of the program, we are made some promises on page 63. One is:

As we felt new power flow in, as we enjoyed peace of mind, as we discovered we could face life successfully, as we became conscious of His presence, we began to lose our fear of today tomorrow! or the hereafter. we were reborn.

We recover by the steps we take.

gleefan

I can relate to your story. Thanks for reaching out. To the outside world I looked successful, but I drank for 20 years to deal with my insecurities, stress, and codependency. I haven't been clean much longer than you, only two months, but can relate to your experience of early sobriety. I expected a 180 degree improvement right away. Fact was, I drank for a long time and I underestimated how sick, tired and disorganized I had become. I felt worse than I did when I was drinking and accomplished less than usual during those early weeks.

As the weeks have passed, I've looked inward. I've looked at the specific reasons I used, then drilled into each of those issues. It's taken me on a journey that I wasn't expecting when I decided that I wanted to stop drinking. It's hard and not what I expected, but it's good.

Keep sharing!

rc4dt1

Thanks Gotta and Glee... I appreciate your responses.

I am sitting home right now watching the NFL draft and feel like I am being peppered with impulsive thoughts to do things that bury feelings. I am trying to sit with how I am feeling. It's really uncomfortable. This too shall pass. Deep breaths.... will go to bed early after I talk to my sponsor.

thanks again

Dee74

Welcome back

Fear is pretty common.

A lot of us drinkers were control freaks I think - It's an obvious paradox but I certainly tried to control my world and my emotions through drinking.

It's a leap of faith to leap into recovery, to jump without knowing if there's a net there...
but it's really a calculated risk.

Look around you - there are guarantees of success right here in this thread, and all throughout this community

There's no secret code or arcane knowledge. I got sober after 20 years drinking...you can too

Can I guarantee that your life will always be awesome and you'll never feel sad again - no, of course not.

But I can guarantee that, if you're prepared to work for it, you can find a sense of peace and serenity that trancends day to day ups and downs

I had many other issues I needed to address apart from drinking. I had some help from a counsellor (I recommend that) and a lot of help from people here.

Some of my 'issues' were decades long....It was not an overnight change but I moved forward a little each week.

I can honestly day I am happy now. That's an amazing thing for me to say.

Give it a chance rc4dt1

D

Kris47

Sweet sober dreams tonight.

Kitkat331

That is a big list!! I know that for the first 30 days I felt pretty overwhelmed & my list was basically just "don't drink".

Some of those things sound like ways to support your journey (therapy, meditation, exercise, reading) but some of them sound like BIG additional goals (tackling the internet reliance & dating stuff). If it were me, I would try to focus on sobriety first and when that gets easier, then start working on the next thing. That's the approach I'm taking--I struggle with food issues but I'm getting sober first and then gradually taking on the eating part.

Sounds like you are doing great, though! Keep it up!

Are you rewarding yourself for your successes? Maybe a special treat for yourself when you hit 3 weeks? You deserve it.

GracieLou

I was at meeting last week and the topic was expectations. Not only for the ones we have on others but for the ones we place on ourselves.

I know many people that have goals when they get sober. My goal was to get and stay sober. That was it. Nothing else. Just to be sober.

I was not worried about my job. I just went to work, no changes, no extra hours, no interaction, I just worked. I did not worry about the relationship with my mother or my kids. I kept my home clean but did not go all out washing windows and walls. My neighbor cut my grass. I did not think about all of the numerous things that needed fixing or repaired.

I had to repair me first and I had to do it one day at a time. When things did pop up and they will, I took them one at a time. I handled one and then moved to the next. I took my time not because I am lazy but because that is what I could handle successfully.

That is the idea. To be able to handle life successfully and that takes time. I can't gobble them all up at once and remain sane.

Slow it down. It is not a race. I drank for 26 years, I can't expect to fix it in 30 days.

One day at a time.

Johnston

Things that have helped me:

- stay sober
- eat healthy
- avoid carbs & caffeine
- avoid triggers
- get older
- learn to laugh at my past, not dwell on it

Kris47

S (Surrender)
A (Abstain)
P (Pray)

zjw

I can relate to you a lot. In my case I needed some self confidence back. it took a long long time to get it back. 1 day at a time I made good choices even when i didnt want too. I started exercising and forming some new healthy habits and routines even when i didnt want too. Then i started to feel better about myself.

Some of the feel bad feelings are stuff we conjur up inside our own heads. I dont measure up because of whatever reason I've managed to conjur up IE they dont like me cause of this or that and it may not be true but i make it true in my head then i beat myself up over it.

But some of the bad feelings also come from how we are truely treated by others and our interactions with them. Sometimes its valid maybe we are screwing up and need some correction and lots of times its not tho yoru just not behaving how someone else wishes you would. Its tought o know the difference. I had to learn to quit trying to be what everyone else wanted me to be and to just be what i wanted to be and be happy with it. I had to accept the fact that not everyones going to approve of what i'm doing but that I gotta do what makes me happy and healthy to I could get better. It was not easy but in time it gets easier.

As far as SSRI's go I'm not your doctor but i avoided them like the plague and I had a phsiscian tell me to get on them. I've just read too many bad things about them personally.

rc4dt1

Thanks all.. the support, ideas, and stories really help.

I definitely am trying to keep it simple but like I said before, the dating and internet stuff ended up being triggers for me. It seems like a lot to tackle and it feels like a lot. I will just do my best.

Eliminating dating really is two fold... first it cuts off that reliance on acceptance from women that I have needed for so long to feel valued... and two, it eliminates the potential for drama and elevated feelings of either "I'm ok now" or " wow, this rejection really hurts".

Eliminating the internet thing (it's not ALL of the internet, if you know what I am getting at) removed the fantasy component where I tend to get out of touch with reality. I frequently use it to escape negative feelings as well so that too, is twofold.

Those are the reasons that I think it's really important for me to cut those activities out. They both lead back to using and drinking because I haven't used them in healthy ways. If I dated and used the internet like a "normal person" I would be ok... lol

Anyway, thanks again. Today I fully expect to feel pain. I expect to be really uncomfortable, anxious, fearful, and sad. But, from what I have been reading and what I have been hearing from people in recovery, I need to go THROUGH it. I am definitely not trying to be militant with myself. I try to reward myself - clothes, rest, and good meals primarily. This too shall pass... I keep telling myself that - the other side will be bright.

Thanks again everyone and happy Friday!

zjw

yeah the feeling of rejection is a real killer!! especially from women. I for some reason fail to isolate it to the one incident and am very good add spreadng that bad feeling of rejection all over other aspects of my life.

The fantasy component is a kicker. you get on a facebook or something and start looking into the window of everyone elses life and your liable to start to feel really crappy about your own life and how your life doesnt seem to be that great.

I always say you wanna feel crappy about yourself watch tv commercials or read a magazine about celebrities or vanity fair something. You'll walk away feeling crummy.

ALl those sources give us a very false sense of what reality really is. and While reality isnt always a walk in the park its also not always the pits either.

Gratitude helps a lot.

I went to an AA meeting last night first time in a while i've been able to go. it was nice to see people from all walks of life with all sorts of problems maken it. People no diff then you or I just doing what they gotta do to get by in this world. Thats reality. Some happy times some sad times etc.. its ok its all normal.

GracieLou

If you can, stop expecting. If you feel it you feel it. Don’t run from it but try not to sit around waiting for it.

If I sat around and waited for a craving to drink, I would find it.

Sometimes we can miss a reason to feel grateful if we are waiting for the worst to happen.