Mirage74

I don't know where else to ask this. I just have a troubling situation and need some perspective from AA. I'm newly getting sober (not my first time though) and have a sister in AA (same town). I have decided to give AA another try. My sister has many years (over 10) in the program.

There is a problem. I get very strong messages that she doesn't want me in AA, ie in "Her" program. Is it normal to want to exclude me from this program? The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking. Who is she to want to exclude anybody? This obviously results in a huge resentment for me. How can I resolve this? Thanks

PS I've been in before, and know I can still go. I obviously go to seperate meetings as her. I still feel she tries to interfere with my program. I try to set boundaries, which she ignores or denies.

awuh1

Is this stated by her or is this a strong impression? A frank discussion of the issue sounds in order. Perhaps you can discover her concerns.

Mirage74

Thanks Awuh for you reply. She has never explicitly said this, but it comes through in her actions and other things she says/implies. I've confronted her about this in the past and she blows up in my face and denies everything. A frank discussion would be good, but I think she is incapable of having one of those without becoming irate and flying off the handle.

Obviously my own drinking has put me in this predicament. I need to just cut ties, move away, do AA there. Unfortunately my situation is keeping me here for now.

There must be some underlying issue that is sparking all of this anger. Thanks again

Mirage74

Was just thinking this for some ground rules in frank discussion:
1. We go to seperate meetings
2. My sponsor does not know you
3. My friends in AA are my friends and her friends are her friends.

2&3 could be hard bc she knows a lot of people in the program.

awuh1

I would consider just telling her that you will be attending, then ask if there is anything you can do that might make it easier for her. She might appreciate the consideration.

TigerLili

She can't interfere with your program if you don't discuss it with her. Honestly, she sounds like a piece of work.

I would not discuss my involvement in AA or recovery with someone I had these reservations about, sister or no. I wouldn't be bitchy about it, I just wouldn't bring it up. Talk about it with your sponsor when you get one and see what they say.

Mountainmanbob

I'm glad that you are wanting to go back to AA
in no way should you let your sister keep you away
from any meetings that you wish to attend

I go to a lot of AA meetings and have noticed
just because one has over 10 years of sobriety
it does not guarantee that they are character defect free

love you sister -- best you can -- sober for us is usually best
and
#1 -- take good care of yourself

MM

Grungehead

IMO your recovery is none of her business unless YOU want it to be. If avoiding the same meetings would make it easier for YOU then by all means try and do that. The bottom line is that you have to do what's best for your sobriety whatever that may be. I realize that she is your sister and trying to work things out with her to avoid potential hard feelings would be optimal. But if she is not willing to do this it should not keep you from attending AA if that is what you feel would best help you in your sobriety.

yeahgr8

I have a brother. I have always said I would do things and never followed them through. I have hurt lots of people and have always had some very off the wall beliefs and values.

My brother funds a fellowship where he is understood and feels for the first time ever wanted and accepted.

I want to come along and join my brothers fellowship.

If I was my brother I would be worried that I was going to come along and screw it all up for him, fearful that I would be judged by my brothers antics like it had always been and worried that all my hard work and friendships I had built up may be in jeopardy.

It is no reflection on sobriety that your sister gas these fears so stay away from her and let her see how THIS TIME you mean business.

Any other view on this subject us childish at best.

Good luck:-)

GracieLou

I have to own my program. Not my sponsors, not my friends, not my BF's. I think we have to determine what works for us and what determines our balance.

Some people go to AA meetings everyday some only go twice a week. Some talk to their sponsors everyday, some once a week. Some pray everyday and some pray everyday.

I think it is a matter of respect. I would have no right to tell you what to do, I can only tell you what I did or what I currently do. What you decide is best or what works for you is up to you. That is how we own our program.

You were not real clear on what boundaries your sister is crossing. It sounds like on one side she is saying "do not follow my program" but then when you establish your program she states "your doing it wrong" or "you are following me".

I don't understand her blow up about it though. I would think someone with ten years sobriety would have a little more patience, tolerance and acceptance but hey, sometimes quickly and sometimes slowly.

I would go about your own business. If you see her at a meeting you do, I would not run from her or consult her to make sure you are not at the same meetings. That is not fair. Go where you go, get your own program working and leave the rest.

Ananda

Hello,

Although I am not currently "in" AA, I have been on and off since 85. I think I have some experience to share on the families in AA issues. Please remember that every person is different, every AA "group" is different and that it is all very dynamic.

When I first went to AA the group that I attended most was also attended by a boyfriend. This group was an example of AA at it's best! As we went through things people were supportive of both of us and never took sides. After 2 years I moved to a new town...and it was completely different. I've been back to my old home group that I got sober the first time in and it has changed.

Alcholism is a family disease ... not just because it effects everyone, but also because there is usually more than one Alkie in a family. My brother began his journey in AA and sobriety about 5 years after me and at that time we were sometimes in the same meetings and even when we weren't there were people who knew his problems from my perspective. I know that many don't share "really personal details" in meetings, but we do share one on one or in meetings at times.

It became very akward that what I shared might change the dynamics of the help my brother would get. It also would be troubling if I thought his expressions would influence how my AA support group viewed me. Since my brother doesn't share very much with anyone...that was less of a concern, but since I shared a lot with lots of friends.... I might impact his sobriety negatively.

I just keep coming back to the horrible ordeals that I went through with that early sobriety boyfriend and how it never effected the love, support and help that we both received from the same people (never getting into taking sides and placing blame...just working with each of us as individuals).

Unfortunately not every AA group or AA member is able to do this. And when I read your post I just wanted to share that although it is sad that your sis is struggling with this...I can understand how difficult it can be to have more than one person in a program in one town if the group is not careful to follow the true spirit and principles of AA.

I have seen so many times that a son or daughter of an AA member simply can't handle going to meetings with the same people that know their mom's perspective on their past. And the suffering of parents who become unable to share appropriately with members or a group because of the fear that somehow it will negatively inpact the groups response to their child or the individual responses to the child.

It's a difficult road to be in the program with a family member. It can be done...I've seen it work. But it isn't all about you or all about your sister. It is also reliant on the groups and the individuals making up that group and how they are able to handle the situation.

Like I said, I am not currently doing AA. That said, I've been sober a number of times and been active in AA for many long periods and this is just some stuff you might think about when your sister reacts in a negative way. You do need to do what is right for you. And only you have the whole story of what is going on that will affect your sobriety.

As someone said recently to me .... what others do is not personal...it may effect you personally, but it wouldn't matter if it were you or someone else...they react because of what is going on with them. When people get mad at me, it really wouldn't matter if it was me or someone else...it's stuff they are going through. I have to protect myself enough to hang on to my sobriety and a whole bunch of other internal stuff....but even when I do that I have to remember it isn't about me...it's the pain and suffering and fear they have that is what is going on.

OK ... don't know if that made since but felt compelled to post to you to share how all this has been for me.

Mirage74

Wow, thanks for all the replies. I find it difficult to look at it from her perspective, I want to use AA to get sober, she uses it to stay sober. Seems she could show a little compassion. I mean, far be It from a drunk like me to come in to the program and disrupt her time to drink coffee, smoke cigarettes, and gossip, right?

Yeahgrl used the analogy of the fellowship her brother started. That is very much how it is I feel. Her brother founded the fellowship though, my sister did not found AA (been around like 78 years last I checked). It is not her project, it belongs to everyone who wants to stop drinking and shows up. Sorry venting. But Yeahgrl is right, I probably am disrupting her normal routine.

You all have given me a lot to think about. Thanks again for the replies, may have more on this later.

Music

Sounds really familiar. My wife came to AA about a year before I did. She demonstrated some of the same traits and later, told me why. She was a little jealous and afraid. Jealous because I seemed to be getting more attention than she, and afraid because of losing her friends. As time past, even though we were going to some of the same meetings, things kind of ironed themselves out. I stayed with the guys and away from the girls. To this day, even though we go to the same meeting, if the meeting breaks up into groups, we go to separate groups. This allows a couple things to play out. She goes with people she wants to go with, and we're more apt to speak more openly in separate rooms. Just give it time I think is most important but as awuh1 said, a frank discussion between the two of you and some re-assurance never hurts. Just remember that to her, what she's feeling is real so don't just dismiss her feelings. Take her seriously and love your sister.

karate

She might not want to share in front of you .

Respect her decision -I would .

Carlotta

I think it is a good idea for you to attend different meetings and who know what will happen down the line? If you stay sober and are doing good she might invite you to come with her to a meeting and be proud to show off her sober little brother.
Your drinking probably damaged your relationship: if you check out the friends and family forum you will see how much our alcoholism impacts our loved ones. It is really painful to see someone you love in the throes of addiction this is why they say alcoholism is a family disease.
Give her time and also show her by your actions that you are changing.

Mirage74

That makes a lot of sense Carlatta. But I'm not interested in her showing me off for her pride. I'm getting sober for me. Js

hopeful4

Could it be that she discusses family issues there and is afraid it may be uncomfortable for you or for her? Just a thought.

No matter what you decide, I think it's great you are looking for support for YOU!

Good Luck!

Mountainmanbob

didn't think of that one

these things do happen from time to time in meetings

MM

Mirage74

Maybe the saying "This town's not big enough for the both of us", applies here.

Thanks again everyone

Mirage74

Just looking for some support against my sister. She's got tons of support, I've got very little. Just wish people would take my side for once in this town.

You guys have been great. Struggling with cravings right now.