LittleBlue71

I have just made it to day 14 but rather than feel good about it I feel awful. I stopped drinking to help with marriage problems, our fights became more frequent & recently physical so it felt like the way to go however I have been wondering if we should just call it a day. I don't know if it is a recurrence of my depression (which I have had problems with for years) or because I have stopped drinking that has me thinking like this. Obviously I am not going to rush into anything but when I suggested we attend marriage guidance he is not interested & I could really do with some advice. Needless to say thoughts of drinking my troubles away have been heavy on my mind also.

biminiblue

If he has physically abused you there is only one solution. Leave. If you are the abuser, I would tell him the same thing. It's not okay, and someone could end up dead or seriously hurt once a relationship has become physical.

Call a domestic violence support line. They will help you get out safely. Don't discuss it with him, just make a plan. Today.

I've been in three physically abusive relationships. Four if you count my mother. The only way to stop it is to leave.

It will be worse if you drink. Please call right now.

huntingtontx

Physical abuse is a deal breaker. Get out now. Please stay safe.

LittleBlue71

sorry I wasn't clear enough, we are both at fault, pushing & shoving mostly but I don't want it to escalate.

zjw

My advice would be to push your energy to focus as much as you can on one thing at a time. Of course your a women so maybe your better at handling multiple things at once then I would be. But If it where me my approach was to kinda put everything else in life on the backburner while i focused on getting / staying sober. I had to sort out a LOT of stuff in my head as my mental state got better and sober days started to stack up I was able to start taking issues gingerly from that back burner and trying to address them.

This is not to say to just say screw it to everything. But some times you have to say ok ok not now I cant do this right now and come up for air if you will.

I had to allow somet hings to fall by the wayside. Heck I was in over my head on CC debt and I just blew it all off for 6 months I couldnt stomach it so i quit payen it all together credit be damned my sobriety was more important to me! Then when i was ready I tackled that problem etc..

Its one day at a time one step at a time. you dont have to solve all the problems of the world in one day. Just do what can handle each day and leave it at that.

LittleBlue71

Thank you for your thoughts folks.

Ruby2

Could you go to marriage guidance by yourself? Sometimes it helps me just to talk to a neutral third party for some perspective.

At fourteen days your emotions are probably all over the place still. Mine were. I've been in pushing matches with my husband in the past. I started to just walk away when it happened. I was usually the instigator though. I don't know if this is your situation. If you feel that you are safe and that this won't escalate into something worse, maybe taking a walk to cool off, or leaving the room. These have helped me. Alcohol to the mix only made it worse. I have often wondered if I was picking fights to give myself an excuse to drink. Stay safe.

LBrain

you can always see a marriage counselor by yourself, counseling is counseling whether you both go or not.

lovesymphony

I would call a domestic abuse line anyway. I called them several times in my own marriage. Everything was anonymous and confidential and they were really friendly. It can help just to talk and get another's perspective on your relationship anyway.

I guess I get very cautious in this area because I was in an abusive relationship for years and didn't realize it, which is pretty common. Talking to counselors privately who HAD EXPERIENCE recognizing abuse dynamics, opened my eyes to things that would have been obvious to me had I not been under so much mind control.

Congratulations on the progress you're making with not drinking. Drinking to cope would just keep you from dealing with problems that need to be fixed. It's a very hard situation you are in, but not hopeless. Please take care of yourself and keep us posted

gaffo

I quit drinking for many reasons but one of them was that I thought my marriage was getting away from me and that if I couldn't save it, at least I would remember what went wrong. The drinking was making our fights worse although I am one of those men that could be beaten to death with an old shoe before I would lift a finger to a woman. I didn't get any support from my wife and in fact she was miffed that I would no longer buy alcohol, even with someone else's money. I told her that the wine aisle was torture yet she would write "wine" on my shopping lists. I really needed SR to get through those early days.

Thirty months later I am still alcohol (and now pot) free and I wish I could tell you that it did wonders for my marriage but it didn't. It did do wonders for me, which makes me a better partner and father. I see no reason to blow up my marriage/life at this time and maybe that's a cop out but it was a decision that I made "of sound mind" and for now I am standing by it.

So, no marriage "miracles" from quitting drinking but improvements in every relationship in my life and a way better attitude and unexpected joy around every corner. It will also give you better insight into dealing with your depression. It really helped me with mine. Keep going, Little Blue, you won't regret it.

airwick

Little Blue71: Drink your trouble away? Drinking just gives you trouble

Sudz No More

Any of us out there married know it can be tough sometimes but there is almost always a common ground. You just need to find where the majority of that commonality is in your relationship and try to stay there as much as possible. Learning when to bite the lip and let it go and when to say nothing at all. You are only two weeks in, you are likely still agitated from common withdrawal symptoms that are making you on edge. Hang in there and don't drink. The only way you are going to potentially see a difference in yourself and possibly your marriage is time away from the booze. If you pick up again you will be right back to square one.

newwestdork

I'm sure it doesn't need saying but drinking won't make your troubles go away.

Not sure what to say about the pushing and shoving but 14 days is not a very long time. I had some serious marital problems when I was drinking as well but my relationship has steadily improved since I've sobered up. We didn't get where we are overnight and I can only assume it will take a similarly long time to get back to "normal," whatever that winds up being for us.

LittleBlue71

Thank you all for your advice, I will look into attending marriage counseling on my own if needed, as some of you have said having someone who isn't involved is probably the best idea. ......still sober!