fishin4serenity

Hello All,

My first post here. I have been sober, at least that is what I tell everybody, since September 2012. I have been working at this sobriety thing for over 2 years now. After a DUI and accident in September 2012, I have been working really hard at maintaining my sobriety. I have an AA sponsor, am working the steps, and attend at least 3 AA meetings a week. Had a couple relapes in November 2012, which I told nobody about, and got back on the wagon. I had a solid year of total abstenice, and then began to have an occassinal buzz on alcohol. Now I am in for 20 months and have begun to have a weekly drinking episod. I am slowly begun to let it get out of control amd my wife has asked me a few times lately "have you been drinking"? Of course I denied it totally. I feel I am slipping back into my past lifestyle and don't know what to do. I know I am an alcoholic and can't stop the urges. The lies are starting to chatch upo with me and I just can't control my thoughts. Feel like I am going crazy. Any thoughts? Please help this desperate alcoholic.....

zjw

I feel your pain I cant control my thoughts half the time either. I do really well then my mind races out of control and i obsess over stuff. Drinking however is no solution when I drank i had the same problems only more.

You have to be careful if your drinking and then lieing about it thats going to lead to guilt and shame and then probably more drinking to cope with that then more problems etc.. You probably know the drill. If you nip this in the bud now however You wont have to worry about that.

I used to tell myself earlier in sobriety I may have a ton of problems today but thank god drinking is not one of them!!

So think about that for a second you got thoughts you cant control you got urges you got issues. Dont make drinking one of these dont put that one on the list too it'll just make matters worse.

Even if your like me where I sat there cursing my life cursing all my problems the racing thoughts this that the other thing i was so angry and I thought Ya know I got this HUGE mess But at least i'm sober I got a lot of problems but today TODAY drinking is not one of them and thank god for that!

keithj

There is a vast difference between having a sponsor and working the Steps, and having a spiritual awakening as the result of taking the Steps. It's obvious from your own experience that you lack the power to stay sober. The only remedy for that condition suggested by AA is that spiritual awakening as the result of the Steps.

airwick

zjw: "I may have a ton of problems today but thank God drinking is not one of them"

I love that....a little boost of encouragement to take when needed

fishin4serenity

Thanks for the replies. Your right..... I have struggled with the spiritual thing. I had a spiritual experience when I was arrested for DUI. Worked hard at maintaining it and I know that was what lead to a year of sobriety. That spiritaul growth has seemed to stop. I have difficulty saying my prayers, if at all, and meditation just doesn't come. Tring to find my path forward. Feel I need to come clean, but just can't find the courage to face it.......god help me!

zjw

You know I have a hard time maintaining it at times myself then I find problems have way of sending me back to it. I think God gives us some troubles as a way to keep us close and reliant on Him.

these issues your having are probably a good thing they may help draw you closer and help you maintain it.

Cow

Ms. Fish, Cow also has problem with mania, and has self medicate for LONG time. I an atheist, so I speaking to you as someone who not believe in God or afterlife, which I has to tell you in case this put you off me. What I can tells you is: However many time you gonna test you self. (For me, is like thousand time over 20 stupid years.) But however many time you gonna, you will find, all 'drinking' path lead away from what you want, be it spiritual, emotional, relationships, health wise, etc.

Also, good rule of thumbs is: If you lying, that is total BIG sign that not even YOU believe what you doing is good for you.

doggonecarl

I think coming clean would help. You drank and kept it a secret. This loss of personal integrity has compromised your recovery. The lies keep dragging you down making it that much harder to own up to your mistake.

Call your sponsor and recommit to sobriety.

bloss

I had many years of periods of sobriety, drinking in secret and starting over. One thing that has helped is this time when I feel an urge I tell a trusted person and if I can't get anyone to talk to I get on SR, being honest is helping. Take care

Nuudawn

I too keeping kicking at the sobriety can. I kick it down the street awhile and then it disappears in some gully. Once again I have allowed it enough presence to rob me of life as it should be lived...with effort and progress no matter how slow.

I have no words of wisdom...only spoke up to let you know your thread was the first I read upon my return here and it's always good to not feel alone in this continuing struggle.

Sudz No More

True that you can do all the programs and work really hard but it is really much simpler than that if you just surrender. All those meaningful steps you try to take in early sobriety will only ever matter if you truly have come to terms with yourself and raise the white flag. Somewhere deep inside you have never given up on the alcoholic dream, the one where you drink happily ever after. The problem for us is that it is never a happy ending.

At some point you need to just throw your hands in the air and give in to defeat and accept within your conscience that you can never drink again ever. If you can do this, things will finally start to get easier.

yeahgr8

You have got to get honest, it doesn't work otherwise which I hope is good news and bad news to hear:-)

Gottalife

Dishonesty and secrets are guaranteed to keep you blocked from your higher power, and in that condition, it is impossible to stay sober. The needed power is not there.

You need to be completely honest with your sponsor, and get back into those steps as if your life depends on it, which it does. It will mean the destruction of your pride and the crushing of your ego to do this, very humiliating to admit that your way has not worked, that you are defeated, but most of us found this was the very thing that lead us to victory over alcohol.

AdarOne

^^^^^
Yeah what he said

As someone who drank and lied about there sobriety date, I was unable to stay sober until I got honest about what I had been doing. The guilt and shame of being a liar keptme going back to the booze.

You can't save your ass and your face at the same time is one of my favorite expressions.

biminiblue

Friend, the war is over. You lost.


Like was said above, white flag time.

Complete honesty is the only way out of this. You don't have to pray to a "God" but you do need to admit to yourself that you are not God. Your way isn't working.

fishin4serenity

Thanks everyone for the replies and advise. I think I know what I need to do.

Heard someone say at a meeting last night - "How does an alcoholic know when he has reached his bottom? They decide to stop digging."

Time to get out of the pit, smash the shovel, get honest, and move forward.

Dee74

Right on Fishin

D

Spinach

Start with a new promise to yourself maybe share it with your wife.
You know where it's going! Keep an idea on sobriety being something to be proud about and wait for it to be great, before picking up . Your future for you and your wife can only be better without the drink, you've done well time to do even better! As Dee might say try something different add something else.
John.

Kris47

Willingness, Honesty, Surrender, Acceptance. These all are indispensable.

One Step at a time.