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Old 04-27-2014, 05:37 AM   #21 (permalink)
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The unknown. I really dont know how it held me back or not. For all intensive purposes I faired fairly well despite my crumy choices. But in the back of my head I wonder what did i miss out on? How could things have been different? I know I did a fair of damage to myself but I've managed to turn that ship around But I wonder how much better could I have been Or did it take going for that walk around the block in order to make me be a better person. I often cant help but wonder if perhaps its a good thing I'm an alcoholic. Its given me the motivation to accomplish so many other things.

So I dunno maybe life coulda been better maybe it coulda been worse maybe without having this little detour I wouldnt be the person I am today. Maybe I'm better off having been an alcoholic.
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Old 04-27-2014, 05:38 AM   #22 (permalink)
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It's never too late to start again. At the very least maybe a chair part time at your local theater. Lots of us out there including me, there are more musicians than there are good opportunities. As for what I regret, I can't be sure at this point but in my late teens and early twenties I may have made some different decisions that would affect my future life.

For me, being a Keyboardist of a Rock Band lent itself to the culture of drinking and drugging. I would play the easier one hand parts while slugging a beer on stage and thought nothing of it. Somehow I don't think that would have worked very well with a Violin playing Sibelius Violin Concerto in Dm
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Old 04-27-2014, 06:22 AM   #23 (permalink)
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For me, the hardest thing about being an alcoholic, for 12 years, the thing which ruined my life, was missed opportunities. I used to play violin and "could have and would have" played in orchestras professionally if I hadn't destroyed my life.


In your experience, whats the hardest, saddest most difficult thing about dealing with alcoholism?
You can still play the violin. Get back to practicing. What's stopping you?

My worst regret is that I affected so many people. My wife and kids, family and friends. But, there's nothing stopping me from doing my best to make things right now, that one drink wouldn't mess up.
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Old 04-27-2014, 06:47 AM   #24 (permalink)
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I think posts like these are very good, especially for some of us who were rather "high bottom" alcoholics and therefore, have thoughts of somehow fitting it back in.

I have a son going to college in the fall. My husband and I think back to our college days and we think about so many cool things that we could have done instead of drinking and partying it all away. Those days are such a blur. I want so much more for him and his experience.
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Old 04-27-2014, 07:14 AM   #25 (permalink)
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I think we over think it. How much do you want to punish yourself? the succesful people are the ones that can get over it.
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Old 04-27-2014, 07:23 AM   #26 (permalink)
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The saddest thing for me is the isolation I feel as I look around at other people drinking and the omnipresence of alcohol and that people just don't understand alcoholism whatsoever. The disillusionment with someone who doesn't drink and yet the disdainful attitude people show towards alcoholics is just awful to deal with. Well it is for me anyways.... It's like I can't win either way. I drink and I lose everything, I stay sober and I spend my life declining drinks only to be met with befuzzled looks and invasive remarks. That's the hardest thing about alcoholism for me, and always will be.
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Old 04-27-2014, 07:35 AM   #27 (permalink)
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fallinggrace, I think this was an important thread. Instead of making fun of the past which some threads about the past do. This really shows the reality of what we can lose in our addiction. It provoked a little sadness in me but I need to be reminded.

But it also offers great hope. We can start our life over anytime. It may not be the same as we thought it would be but it can still be wonderful in a different way.
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Old 04-27-2014, 08:43 AM   #28 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by fallinggrace View Post
For me, the hardest thing about being an alcoholic, for 12 years, the thing which ruined my life, was missed opportunities. I used to play violin and "could have and would have" played in orchestras professionally if I hadn't destroyed my life.


In your experience, whats the hardest, saddest most difficult thing about dealing with alcoholism?
Are the losses really different for any of us? I'm not sure what the hardest, saddest most difficult thing about dealing with alcoholism was/is.

I could say the relationship I lost was at the top, but that's really just looking at the surface. Truth is, she gave up on me. I earned it, but she quit. As a retired Marine, that word doesn't exist for me.

More important than that to me is, what if *I* had quit trying? I lost a job and a lot of my personal belongings. They can be replaced.

I think the most important thing I was losing were the pieces of me. One at a time. Especially towards the end (if there is such a thing) when I KNEW the second I touched a bottle what the outcome was going to be. I wasn't going to get better. "It" wasn't going to get better. I was trading off a week - 10 days of drying out for 1-3 days of being drunk I wouldn't remember a second of.

I fortunately did not have to steal/commit crimes to drink. I lied though. Even when the lie was stupid and I knew it.

I was losing my soul. Who I was. Everything I had been and was going to be. I was becoming or had become everything my entire being had been taught and trained to not be: weak. An addict. I was going to have to ask for help. I wasn't by God an indestructible piece of machinery trained to kill at the government's whim with no after affect.

Not trying to be long-winded. This is a "button" question for me though.

As mentioned in another thread, what was lost was me. Nothing and no one else could matter if there was no me. (of course you just have to go with the military sense of humor here).

So I'm starting to ask where the H- God is. Sitting on my couch and replies, you done jerking around with that puke bucket? I've always been right here. You just weren't looking.

So, to me, it isn't about what I have lost. Those things hurt, yes. What I FOUND was far more important.
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Old 04-27-2014, 09:57 AM   #29 (permalink)
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Tornrealization - me too. I try not to think about it.
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Old 04-27-2014, 02:40 PM   #30 (permalink)
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For me the hardest, most painful part wasn't the actual drinking; more the realization of how little self-esteem I must have had had that I wanted (needed?) to get away from who I really was. That being 'me' wasn't good enough/ too painful for a very long time.
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Old 04-27-2014, 04:16 PM   #31 (permalink)
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Oh Stray, your post broke my heart. I'm right there with you Honey.
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Old 04-27-2014, 06:45 PM   #32 (permalink)
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For me the sadest thing was having resentments against people that I had no business in resenting. I missed a lot of good opportunities in getting to know people. Just a complete waste of time resenting people and things.
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Old 04-28-2014, 05:06 AM   #33 (permalink)
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I am not sure if it is a sadness I feel but the fact that it cannot be prevented in the first place, at least in my case and I feel in many cases.

I was born this way.

I had someone ask me once about how you could prevent someone from being an alcoholic and the only answer I could think of was to never drink, ever. To never have that first one or at the very least that first drunk.

So many have their first taste as children and in most cases their first drunk as children or teenagers. They are hooked from a young age.

I am not talking about banning alcohol. For many it is not a problem/addiction. There are far more normal people out there than alcoholics. Removing it from society is not the answer so preventing it in the first place would be impossible. Education can help but in my opinion for the real alcoholic trying to teach them moderation is not possible. If I could have learned that, I would not be an alcoholic.

I laugh every time I see a billboard, TV commercial or ad that has "drink responsibly". They are not talking to me. That does not apply to me and never has. I don't drink that way. One drink and responsibility no longer applies. Moderation no longer applies. I can only learn to live without it, period and learning to live a life without it is the key. I could not just walk away or set it down.

I guess the sadness I find is that we can pass this predisposition on to our children. My daughter is well on her way. My son does not drink often, his vice is pot but that does not really make a difference. Addiction is addiction. We not only pass on the genes but we show them by our actions the way to live with it, not without it. For many, as myself, the lesson they could have used comes way to late as they are already raised and out of the house and they take with them their own resentments that they may need to write down one day.

That, at times, makes me sad and the hardest part is knowing there is nothing I can do about it.
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Old 04-28-2014, 05:52 AM   #34 (permalink)
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The death of my 4 day old son, and the related failure of my marriage and loss of living with my other children when she took them with a dysfunctional courts blessing.
Please don't drink if your pregnant.
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Old 04-28-2014, 08:18 AM   #35 (permalink)
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I'm with strayJ on this one. Other than that, the real worst thing about it was not getting this 20 or 30 years ago. I had a chance in 2001 to quit for good after my last marriage dissolved. But after a year I was cured. The past ten years were much worse, but I didn't realize it until I stopped and looked in the rear view mirror. I still have plenty of time to do something about it. Water under the bridge is just that. Time to look forward and not back.
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Old 04-28-2014, 09:47 AM   #36 (permalink)
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Drinking probably a couple hundred bottles of mouthwash over the course of about three years due since I'm not quite 21 yet and haven't always had access to real alcohol when I've wanted it
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Old 04-28-2014, 10:14 AM   #37 (permalink)
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Mine I suspect is the same as many others - ruined relationships, damaged career, financial problems.

I am lucky that I now have a very supportive spouse who is helping me through the whole process, but the "could have, would have" thoughts are still a problem for me. I suppose I should be happy that I am working on recovery but moving beyond the past is not always easy.

I do like this thread - a lot of the ones about the past have a jokey "tell me your best drinking story!" tone, but this one really resonates with me.
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Old 04-28-2014, 10:26 AM   #38 (permalink)
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Watching what it does to the people I care about now.
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Old 04-28-2014, 10:37 AM   #39 (permalink)
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Great thread. Thank you.
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Old 04-28-2014, 10:50 AM   #40 (permalink)
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really good thread fallinggace. the one thing i can not forget, nor do i wish to, is when i was active in my alcoholism i had such a total disregard for other people. family, friends, acquaintances, strangers... their feelings and situations meant nothing to me. i wrecked such havoc, i still cringe when a stray memory wafts through.

working recovery i do have an understanding of the fact that i didn't allow myself to feel so how could i care about other peoples feelings? when i first got sober i would hear people say treat others as you want to be treated. that didn't work for a long time because i didn't believe i deserved to be treated well. but i did think others should be treated with love and kindness, unlike the things i had done to them for years. but in recovery i have become a person that i love and respect, and i am grateful...

i think the reason it is ok that this regret stays with me is that i hope to always treat anyone i encounter in my life like they are people who matter. you can never know what kind thing can make a positive difference. and the flip of that, you can never know if that one unkind thing could put someone over the cliff.....
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