dispair
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Nottingham
Posts: 19
dispair
1st July 2004
Hello
After the last drinking binge I said to a higher power:� Right, I have sobered up and I let you do what you want with me – I am powerless over people, places and things. This worked for a few days and I felt more at peace - you know this feeling of letting go and resigning myself to whatever would be thrown at me that day.
I came back from work this afternoon and had a rest (I feel very tired in the day – I am going to have a hysterectomy soon). My partner came back from his full-time job. I cooked the dinner and then I got so angry I can hardly believe. He wants to go out and smell the fresh sea air. I agreed to go with him this weekend as we do not have a holiday this year due to my daughter’s problems (my daughter is not his daughter, I have been married before). Tonight I realised just how much I hate going – I felt sorry for him when I agreed for him to book the room so that we can be near the sea next morning.
Tonight I told him that this relationship is dead – I honestly do not love him anymore. I feel dead inside – sober or drunk. I used to get drunk to like him more. What do you think I should do? He thinks my alcoholism is the problem in this relationship, but I know as a fact that when I am sober I still feel nothing but anger and despair.
We have been together for 9 years but these differences now show up:
I like computing and learning how to built web sites – he dislikes computing and does not know much about it.
He likes walking and loves the country side – I see to walking as a necessity to keep reasonably fit.
He likes classic cars (he owns one and goes to shows)– I feel bored to death by them.
He and his family love stock car racing – I do not like it at all.
He waffles and talks in a long-winded way – I like to say things just once and down to the point.
In other words he is totally different from me. When I met him through a dating agency I drank just to fit in with him. Over the years I sobered up a little and find that a life with him is boring to me but I also fear loneliness. I am probably boring to him – He says because I am an alcoholic I do not know what I want.
I do not know what to do anymore – when I am sober I can keep going with him, but deep down I feel dead unhappy. When I drink I stifle these feelings, but at a prize.
Felicia
Hello
After the last drinking binge I said to a higher power:� Right, I have sobered up and I let you do what you want with me – I am powerless over people, places and things. This worked for a few days and I felt more at peace - you know this feeling of letting go and resigning myself to whatever would be thrown at me that day.
I came back from work this afternoon and had a rest (I feel very tired in the day – I am going to have a hysterectomy soon). My partner came back from his full-time job. I cooked the dinner and then I got so angry I can hardly believe. He wants to go out and smell the fresh sea air. I agreed to go with him this weekend as we do not have a holiday this year due to my daughter’s problems (my daughter is not his daughter, I have been married before). Tonight I realised just how much I hate going – I felt sorry for him when I agreed for him to book the room so that we can be near the sea next morning.
Tonight I told him that this relationship is dead – I honestly do not love him anymore. I feel dead inside – sober or drunk. I used to get drunk to like him more. What do you think I should do? He thinks my alcoholism is the problem in this relationship, but I know as a fact that when I am sober I still feel nothing but anger and despair.
We have been together for 9 years but these differences now show up:
I like computing and learning how to built web sites – he dislikes computing and does not know much about it.
He likes walking and loves the country side – I see to walking as a necessity to keep reasonably fit.
He likes classic cars (he owns one and goes to shows)– I feel bored to death by them.
He and his family love stock car racing – I do not like it at all.
He waffles and talks in a long-winded way – I like to say things just once and down to the point.
In other words he is totally different from me. When I met him through a dating agency I drank just to fit in with him. Over the years I sobered up a little and find that a life with him is boring to me but I also fear loneliness. I am probably boring to him – He says because I am an alcoholic I do not know what I want.
I do not know what to do anymore – when I am sober I can keep going with him, but deep down I feel dead unhappy. When I drink I stifle these feelings, but at a prize.
Felicia
learning
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Where I need to be
Posts: 310
Hang in there
I am so sorry you are so down right now Felicia. Relationships are supposed to be rewarding. Instead of focusing on what is different between the two of you, maybe you can take some time to reflect on what you have in common. Either way only you can find happiness for yourself. Is I can help anyway, let me know.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 8,709
Originally Posted by Felicia
When I drink I stifle these feelings, but at a price.
Either way, it has to have a positive influence on your desire for sobriety.
Moderator
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Leaving Sparta
Posts: 2,912
Alcohol and the "ismns" associated with it can real screw up a relationship.
One important suggestion I heard early in recovery is "Dont make any hasty decisions".
Two people can be unlike each other but still be able to enjoy a happy relationship with just a few things in common.
Or it may be that after nine years you realize that this is not the person you want to spend the rest of your life with.Either way it may be best to focus your energy right now in staying sober before you make up your mind what it is you want to do next.
One important suggestion I heard early in recovery is "Dont make any hasty decisions".
Two people can be unlike each other but still be able to enjoy a happy relationship with just a few things in common.
Or it may be that after nine years you realize that this is not the person you want to spend the rest of your life with.Either way it may be best to focus your energy right now in staying sober before you make up your mind what it is you want to do next.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 12,136
I agree with Peter. I too believe that early in recovery you shouldn't make any drastic changes. Try to be gentle on yourself and to focus on your sobriety (and your upcoming surgery) for now. When the time is right you'll be able to make the right decision. Have faith. Keep coming back.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Zion, Illinois
Posts: 3,411
Felicia,
Do you think there's a possibility that your physical problems, compounded by the booze problem just might be causing you to think just a little off center? I'd bet your hormones are all over the board. I'd really give some serious consideration to getting a second opinion concerning these thoughts you're having. JMHO you understand....
Do you think there's a possibility that your physical problems, compounded by the booze problem just might be causing you to think just a little off center? I'd bet your hormones are all over the board. I'd really give some serious consideration to getting a second opinion concerning these thoughts you're having. JMHO you understand....
Member
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Florham Park, nj
Posts: 85
Felicia, read the book BOUNDARIES IN DATING. It is the BEST book I have ever read in terms of relationships. IMHO, you are right to question your differences, your intentions as 9 years is enough to know if you are happy. Take a break...and read this book. It helped me. I too am afraid of loniliness and seem to blend with people and situations that I don't feel comfortable just "to get along". Your differences are what makes you "you" and having similar likes is important as that is where you spend most of your time.
But being sober can do tremendous things in finding in life what otherwise seemed boring so take it slow.
But being sober can do tremendous things in finding in life what otherwise seemed boring so take it slow.
Paused
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: cleveland ohio
Posts: 1
Hi My Name Is Joe I Guess You Allready Have The Answer In Your Heart Do What Will Make You Happy Thats What My Wife Is Doing Right Now We Are Going Throu A Divorce After 21 Years I Have Started And Stopped Drinking Over The Years I Am Getting Help Now But Its To Late For Our Marrage I Wish That I Had The Help I Needed Befor It Came To This I Hope That You Can Do What You Have To Do To Make Yourself Happy Good Luck Be Strong
Joe
Joe
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: El Paso, Tx
Posts: 5,862
Hi Felicia,
As suggested give yourself time. I went throuh an array of emotions regarding my husband of 24 years when I first sobered up. We had been seperated, I wanted him back, I got him back, then decided, I didn't really want him back, just the I'll show you, then a few month later head over heals in love again...it took almost a year for me to figure this out. So just be patient, look for the qualities you first admired, and see if perhaps there's just to much going on right now.. which I think is the case.
You were in a bad place not to long ago, so let things settle, go through your surgery, give yourself time to mend, work with other recovering alcoholics and see where you are and how you feel down the road. It would be a shame to throw away the one relationship that remained grounded through all of this.. *hugs*
As suggested give yourself time. I went throuh an array of emotions regarding my husband of 24 years when I first sobered up. We had been seperated, I wanted him back, I got him back, then decided, I didn't really want him back, just the I'll show you, then a few month later head over heals in love again...it took almost a year for me to figure this out. So just be patient, look for the qualities you first admired, and see if perhaps there's just to much going on right now.. which I think is the case.
You were in a bad place not to long ago, so let things settle, go through your surgery, give yourself time to mend, work with other recovering alcoholics and see where you are and how you feel down the road. It would be a shame to throw away the one relationship that remained grounded through all of this.. *hugs*
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