KateL

Ok, so I may as well rant about my not so perfect' life, if there is such a thing which I doubt. Anyway, my eldest child who is 30, is a bully. She was expelled from school for being a bully. I am, of course, far from perfect and hold myself responsible for a lot of stuff, However, my two youngest don;t treat me this way. They are supportive and grateful that I have made amends and put them through Uni. I spent a grand on the eldest to do a course which she has never followed up. I bought her a three piece sute and lots of other stuff. Her father has nothing to do with her. He says it is because of her violent behaviour. I have the gradkids sometimes but am scared to phone her in case she is in a mood. Of course everything is my fault. I'm f***ing whatever. You would not believe the language. In fact that bitch makes me want to end it alll xxxxx

KateL

At the moment and after the abuse I suffered via a telephone call, I hate her.

Goldcoastgirl

Kate, you poor thing, you scared me with what you just wrote, are you ok? I don't blame you for being so upset, but your daughter's actions are not your own, she is an adult and is choosing to act that way. You can't take the blame for that and be treated like that.

oak

Kate, That would be so hard! I hope she changes over time. Can you distance yourself some or set some boundaries so that you are not hurt? I know that would be difficult with your own child. But you matter too!

I'm glad it's much easier with your other two kids.

caboblanco

why are you trippin kate? 30 years old is an adult for awhile now

oak

Kate- I am glad you are alive and here! Are you safe?

TigerLili

I hope you are ok Kate. I am dealing with a verbally and emotionally abusive person at the moment. It's very hard, and I have good boundaries and no family connection to them.

You're a good person. I don't know why some people are so mean and horrible. I guess they do it because it gets them what they want ?

KateL

Thanks guys but I just feel dead inside. I can't believe her behaviour. I really felt suicidal xxxxx

Dee74

Sent you a PM Kate.

D

Jeni26

Kate. I've sent you a PM. Hang on in there my friend. There's nothing that can't be sorted out. It sounds like she might need to do some standing on her own 2 feet and make her own way for a bit.

Take care of you. Talk to us xxx

afloatsober

Hey, steady on there lady.
Rather selfishly, i don't want you dead!!!!!!
This may sound a bit simplistic, but i had to accept that some members of my family (very close members) simply don't resonate with me sober.
More bluntly... they undermine me, distress me and damage the foundation that i am trying to build and maintain.
For their own reasons they would have me dwell constantly in the past with them, constantly reliving my mistakes and woes.
I treat them with respect, love, tolerance AND DISTANCE.....
Hang in there.
Your lovely...
Gx

KateL

Thing is, she is involved with a skunk head and dealer. I smelled it when I took the kids back yesterday. But oh I am so awful for being an alky like ten years ago. It's the first time in ages I felt a slight trigger. xxxx

caboblanco

kids do their own thing. She is not you. She is her own person

TigerLili

Awww Kate :-(

It's so awful that someone can take away our peace of mind, happiness and reasons for living like that.

I'm so sorry. You seem like such an awesome person with so much to give, but I know it's also important that we (as in all of us, everyone) feel like we get something back from life, and those in our life, too.

Jeni26

You've been sober a long time. You've more than proved yourself and by the sounds of what you've helped her with, made your amends to her.

Kate, I know I don't know the situation, but it sounds as though she is using your past as an excuse for her own behaviour, and your guilt is falling for it.

This has nothing to do with you. Ok? Take a step back from that mind frame.

It sounds like she is getting her own life in a bit of a muddle right now. X

Dee74

I had to remove toxic people from my life Kate. Some of them were in my family.

I understand it's difficult because there are grandkids involved.

Your feelings of guilt are misplaced.

Whatever kind of parents we have, each of us makes our own choices as adults. Your other two children are ok, yeah?

Don't beat yourself up or take on any of your daughters BS.

D

KateL

Sorry. Guys, forever the drama Queen No suicidal worries, just a bit low xxxx

Redmayne

Thanks for this post....albeit I divorced their mother when they were relatively young. I paid an active part in my two daughters lives until their early 20's. Even to the point of, as an alternative to paying maintenance, simply to ensure they had a roof, not only for them, but their mother, until that time. Well past the time when under ordinary circumstances, they would have expired!

The suddenly, without any explanation or warning, they both 'slipped off the radar' , never to be heard from again! Although they maintained contact with their grandmother and so I'm aware I have four grandchildren, I've never seen!

Alternatively, in my second marriage, my now ex-wife, dumped my son, then 10 yrs and now 32, in a disastrous expedition to America, so that we lost everything, and I do mean EVERYTHING!!!

Since that time, I raised my son, as a single, unsupported parent, he is now, at 32 a university educated, successful professional musician. I see him, and my three year old grandson, on a reasonably regular basis. Every 6 weeks or so, but I'm happy to let him and his family, with their various responsibilities and commitments, pursue their own lives. So we don't and wouldn't want to, 'live in each others pockets'....

From these experiences I learned to take a philosophical, I've learned to take a philosophical approach to both my own parentage and theirs. I've , albeit they were married, never known my biological father, other than a name on my birth certificate, and my stepfather never took any parental interest in either my sister or me.

So, I now take the view that none of us get to choose our parents, which in terms of my A A lead recovery, has allowed me to choose,'the God of my own conception' as my father - see p.12 of 'Bill's Story' in the book 'Alcoholics Anonymous' 4th Ed.

Equally so, none of us, despite all our well intentioned efforts, get to chose how our children either turn out or have any control over their attitude towards us, or others. Life itself is it's own teacher, and no one gets off this planet alive! So for whatever attitude they adopt towards you or others, will eventually rebound on them...guaranteed!

I also take comfort from the old but true maxim, that 'old age and guile, will always defeat youth and enthusiasm' the latter including bullying! On their part.

CodeJob

Kate,

Hugs to you. Being a parent does not necessarily equal accepting the trash of our offspring's emotions - particularly when they are adults.

Stoogy

Hi Kate, don't beat yourself up like this, you are a better than that. There is only so much you can do as a person and a parent to mould or help someone be all they can be.

It sound like getting a reaction like this from you only fuels the fire, disregard it you are stronger than that, and have proved that to everyone on this forum.

It's sunny outside here, simple joys. Going for a bike ride then walk the dog☀️☀️

Chin up Kate.