Other addiction is getting me - what to do?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 350
Other addiction is getting me - what to do?
I've got my Al-Anon and my AA, but I haven't gotten over porn. I do believe I have an issue because I don't look for a short period. I easily take hours and hours of looking at internet porn.
Where do I go for help on kicking that habit. It's kickin' my butt. I think I've got it licked and some voice in my head says, "just this once for 30 minutes". Well, it's not 30 minutes, it's really several hours and I feel like sh** afterwards. I lasted 5-6 months without looking (I deleted all of my porn videos on my computer). Now about 1-2 times a week, I'll look at streaming videos on the internet. I feel "mixed" about my sobriety from alcohol but that the porn feels far more difficult to "let go" of (or I'm just replacing one with another - or I've always had both?)
I've looked for a place to get advice, get support, but have found next to nothing. Am I looking in the wrong places? Will working the 12 steps for AA help me with the porn addiction too?
Where do I go for help on kicking that habit. It's kickin' my butt. I think I've got it licked and some voice in my head says, "just this once for 30 minutes". Well, it's not 30 minutes, it's really several hours and I feel like sh** afterwards. I lasted 5-6 months without looking (I deleted all of my porn videos on my computer). Now about 1-2 times a week, I'll look at streaming videos on the internet. I feel "mixed" about my sobriety from alcohol but that the porn feels far more difficult to "let go" of (or I'm just replacing one with another - or I've always had both?)
I've looked for a place to get advice, get support, but have found next to nothing. Am I looking in the wrong places? Will working the 12 steps for AA help me with the porn addiction too?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3,359
I can relate, I often see my addictions as a whack-a-mole game or merry-go-round. Hit one mole and another one pops up. This is why I self identify as an addict more than an alcoholic, as an alcoholic is a subset of addict. I find when things in my life are out of balance my addictions tend to pop-up more often. I would look into what you have going on and from your other thread seems like you may have traded one addiction (alcohol) for another (AA and Al-Anon)? Perhaps porn too?
Porn addiction is actually different than sex addiction. You crave and become fixated on the visual in voyerisitc way whereas sex addiction is more about the chase. In both cases the actual act is shameful because the chemical release and pleasure is disassociated from the actual act. Both will inhibit your sexual relationship with your wife and serve as a blocking agent.
SexAholics will work on setting boundaries and applying similar 12 step technique to porn as you have done in your 12 step work for alcohol. I have done the same thing with processed sugar and gluten in my diet, as well as cigarettes and sex. When I am working my program and meditating and doing the next right thing, these other addictions are less of an issue. When I stray from my program, often because I feel I am in "a good place" I find my addictions rear their ugly heads - the Whack-a-mole. Most of the time these will be in the form of thoughts and obsessions but meditating techniques often help surfing the urges and works with any addiction I have found.
Are you in therapy? I too am in AA and 12 steps (4th currently) but therapy has been complimentary to AA support and can dig into areas where AA cannot.
Porn addiction is actually different than sex addiction. You crave and become fixated on the visual in voyerisitc way whereas sex addiction is more about the chase. In both cases the actual act is shameful because the chemical release and pleasure is disassociated from the actual act. Both will inhibit your sexual relationship with your wife and serve as a blocking agent.
SexAholics will work on setting boundaries and applying similar 12 step technique to porn as you have done in your 12 step work for alcohol. I have done the same thing with processed sugar and gluten in my diet, as well as cigarettes and sex. When I am working my program and meditating and doing the next right thing, these other addictions are less of an issue. When I stray from my program, often because I feel I am in "a good place" I find my addictions rear their ugly heads - the Whack-a-mole. Most of the time these will be in the form of thoughts and obsessions but meditating techniques often help surfing the urges and works with any addiction I have found.
Are you in therapy? I too am in AA and 12 steps (4th currently) but therapy has been complimentary to AA support and can dig into areas where AA cannot.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 350
Yes, I have a personal counselor I go to for more perspective on everything. I'll get to see him today at noon and will ask about this stuff.
(and yes, I've done a sex inventory with some 4th step worksheets from AA - I believe "lustful" was one of my defects - I think it's about
approval and affirmation and my behavior in those moments is thoughtless and self-serving - I also note that many of my relationships started
with a night of drinking and were predicated on lust and not love. Everything changed when meeting my wife - we actually courted, dated, fell
in love, etc)
(and yes, I've done a sex inventory with some 4th step worksheets from AA - I believe "lustful" was one of my defects - I think it's about
approval and affirmation and my behavior in those moments is thoughtless and self-serving - I also note that many of my relationships started
with a night of drinking and were predicated on lust and not love. Everything changed when meeting my wife - we actually courted, dated, fell
in love, etc)
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
Yes and for support go to sex addicts anonymous. They will be able you help you much more that someone who can only identify through general addiction:
https://saa-recovery.org/
Good luck, keep going with the journey:-)
https://saa-recovery.org/
Good luck, keep going with the journey:-)
Poison Eater Extraordinaire
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: East Coast, USA
Posts: 1,031
I went to rehab with someone who was co-addicted to porn. He was told, it attacks the same receptors in the brain that cocaine does. You are definitely getting a high.
I wish you luck, and commend you for your honesty.
I wish you luck, and commend you for your honesty.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
It's absolutely not unusual that we are able to kick one addiction but still struggle with another one, or even acquire new obsessions/addictions. It's primarily because all these things feed into the same pathways in our brains, various externally obtained "rewards" stimulate those pathways and can put them off balance. I've had two major addictions in my life: obsessions with my weight and resulting eating disorders in my youth, and alcohol later. Both have been extremely difficult to turn around and have taken a long time, but eventually I used many of the same methods for both, initially at least (AVRT-like). And in each case later on I figured one method was not enough.
If the 12-step program has worked for you to beat alcohol, I also strongly suggest to try a similar approach for the porn issue. I would think it does not matter much whether your problem is looking at porn in a more passive way, or looking for actual sexual experiences - it's just solo vs social acting out in the end.
I also suggest to discuss all these things with your counselor in depth - have you tried that? If he is not qualified to help you with these particular issues, might recommend someone else, or a specific program. If it was me in your shoes, I would also try to share all these concerns with my partner. Of course it depends on the relationship... your call to judge that. I can only share that I know I would never feel fully satisfied and at home in an intimate relationship if both of us were not willing to see one-another honestly and openly, warts and all. But this may only be me, we all have our own preferences and needs. In any case, I think being honest with your wife should not hurt.
If the 12-step program has worked for you to beat alcohol, I also strongly suggest to try a similar approach for the porn issue. I would think it does not matter much whether your problem is looking at porn in a more passive way, or looking for actual sexual experiences - it's just solo vs social acting out in the end.
I also suggest to discuss all these things with your counselor in depth - have you tried that? If he is not qualified to help you with these particular issues, might recommend someone else, or a specific program. If it was me in your shoes, I would also try to share all these concerns with my partner. Of course it depends on the relationship... your call to judge that. I can only share that I know I would never feel fully satisfied and at home in an intimate relationship if both of us were not willing to see one-another honestly and openly, warts and all. But this may only be me, we all have our own preferences and needs. In any case, I think being honest with your wife should not hurt.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 350
Yes, thank you.
I don't leave any stone unturned with sharing with my counselor.
My wife is aware and I do talk to her about it, even though it is awkward and uncomfortable. It's necessary I think. My counselor said one of the most difficult parts of porn addiction for the marriage is the secrecy. I've told my wife that it's an issue for me still and I'm going to try as best I can to utilize the tools I have (and will gain through more step work) to be clean from porn. It doesn't bring me anything good.
I'm starting again with 4/12/2014 as my "clean" date.
Wish me luck!
I don't leave any stone unturned with sharing with my counselor.
My wife is aware and I do talk to her about it, even though it is awkward and uncomfortable. It's necessary I think. My counselor said one of the most difficult parts of porn addiction for the marriage is the secrecy. I've told my wife that it's an issue for me still and I'm going to try as best I can to utilize the tools I have (and will gain through more step work) to be clean from porn. It doesn't bring me anything good.
I'm starting again with 4/12/2014 as my "clean" date.
Wish me luck!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
Yes the secrecy...
It's difficult enough with drugs or alcohol in front of "ordinary" life, simply because we don't want it to be part of that life normally.
Difficult with porn in your intimate relationship, I think at least in part for the same reason.
Please remember that none of your motivations are wrong - they are just your motivations in a phase of your life. When they are no longer satisfying, and especially when they make you unhappy - time to look for ways out and something else.
More meaningful things, beyond yourself also, perhaps?
Yes, good luck!!
It's difficult enough with drugs or alcohol in front of "ordinary" life, simply because we don't want it to be part of that life normally.
Difficult with porn in your intimate relationship, I think at least in part for the same reason.
Please remember that none of your motivations are wrong - they are just your motivations in a phase of your life. When they are no longer satisfying, and especially when they make you unhappy - time to look for ways out and something else.
More meaningful things, beyond yourself also, perhaps?
Yes, good luck!!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3,359
Thotful - it sounds like you talk to your wife and are open with her about your addictions, including porn. Have you thought about including her? Certainly discussing but perhaps watching with her? Perhaps if the process was more clinical for you the attraction of the addcition would be ruined. You know porn is mostly acting. Its not true intimacy. There is a complete lack of love and connection in it and this will ultimate blcok you from intimacy in your own relationship - perhaps this is the lack of presence your wife feels now.
It sounds like you are doing a great job with your step work. Try to be open - many have provided some good advice in both of your threads.
From my experience I have found communication and being open, willing and honest to be the best elixer for my marriage.
It sounds like you are doing a great job with your step work. Try to be open - many have provided some good advice in both of your threads.
From my experience I have found communication and being open, willing and honest to be the best elixer for my marriage.
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