tdk1001

So last night I decided to say the hell with sobriety and go out drinking. Well it was a complete and total mess. It was ugly. I met up with 2 of my coworkers and then proceeded to drink shot and after shot and chugging beer. I fell at least 3 or 4 times in front of everyone. Then we decided to go smoke some pot in my coworkers car. That's when I blacked out. I have no idea what happened afterwards-I have tiny flashes of memories but that's it. I don't know how I ended up home and in bed and I have no idea how long I was at the bar while blacked out.

I am so ashamed and the embarrassment I feel has had me crying on and off all day. I made a fool of myself in front of my coworkers and will have to face them tomorrow. I'd call in sick but then they'd probably think that I was sleeping off another bender. The worst part is that I don't know what I did or said in my blackout. I am praying that my coworker won't remember much because he was drunk but I'm sure they remember it all. I also verbally abused the bartenders and spent over $150.

I can't look at myself in the mirror. I told myself the last time I felt like this that it would be the last time. Why can't I just stop? This happens every single time that I drink. I live in shame and embarrassment 3 or 4 days, swear I'm never going back to the bar, but by day 7 it's like I either forget about the shame or don't care. I really need help.

Dee74

Hi tdk

I still remember that awful feeling not knowing what happened exactly but have that gnawing fear that it got bad.

What ever happened, happened.

The best cure - in fact the only cure I know of - is time and sobriety.

It is true you never need to feel this way again

Use this time to make some changes - find some support.

By day 7, instead of convincing yourself you're not that bad, come back and read this thread. Reach out for help

D

ScottFromWI

Hey TDK. Many if us have been down that road and while it seems like a good idea to drink, the results are always the same. As Dee mentions, the best way to avoid the embarrassment (and potentially much worse), is to not pick up that first drink. Once you do, you knowingly accept and bear responsibility for whatever happens.

Them good news is that picking up the first drink (or not) is 100% your choice. And here at SR there are lots of tools and people to help you learn how to make the right choice.

Regarding tomorrow, there is noting you can really do at work to undo what you may have done or said, but you can hold your head up and not pick up a drink.

Sugah

I (and a whole lot of other folks) could have written those exact words. Why? We're alcoholic.

If you need help, and it sounds like you do, how about getting help? There are many paths these days. AA works (and continues to work) for me.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

FeenixxRising

Been there, done that--and almost exactly the same experience as yours. When that happened I recommitted and made apologies if needed. You can't change the past, but you can change the future. I suggest throwing yourself completely into sobriety. It sounds like you need some tools to help you when that 7 day mark approaches. When you reach the point where you think you can enjoy a few drinks and remain in control, I suggest using a technique called "playing the tape forward". You can read about it here: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ying-tape.html

Sudz No More

Rest assured there is a really good chance your coworkers have seen it all before somewhere else. Alcohol abuse is so prevalent in our society take some solace in the fact that you truly are not alone.

You just go in and joke with them that you know you got too drunk and regret it. If they offer another outing at some point you now have the prefect chance to walk tall and tell them you stopped drinking. Water under the bridge, to them you are just another friend who had a bit too much one night. Now, if you go out with them again and get drunk again then you have turned the corner. Right now you still have a chance to ride away relatively unscathed. So what, to them you got too drunk one time like so many others.

queenofheartz09

I get mean when I black out and when I drink 90% of the time I black out. I always feel so bad for a few days after too but almost everyone I've been mean to has forgave me and I owe it to them to stay sober and be a good friend to them too.

Eddiebuckle

I don't know how many times I said "never again" but I can tell you that when I got to the jumping off place, embarrassment would have been a comforting emotion. I didn't like the term delusion, but in retrospect it described my thinking to T: a false belief maintained despite ample evidence to the contrary.

The sad truth is that some of us ride our delusion into the grave.

TigerLili

Hold your head up, apologise in a succinct and straight forward way to your coworkers and get back on the horse. Don't beat yourself up too much.

KateL

Your story rings bells with me. As Dee said, after getting sober and giving yourself time, it all starts to look a lot brighter xxxx

Gottalife

The simple answer is don't drink. But, if you are an alcoholic of my type, that advice is about as useful as telling someone with chronic depression to "have a nice day"

Alcoholics of my type have lost the power of choice in drink. We never get it back. What we need is to find a greater power than booze by which we can live without the need to drink.

When all human avenues failed, I tried AA, Not really believing it would work. But it did, and has kept me, a hopeless drunk, sober for 34 years. Maybe AA could be the help you need.

tdk1001

Thank you everyone for the kind words and advice.

I have to be at work in 2 hours and have been up since 7am crying and panicing over having to face my cowokers today. I tried finding excuses to call out and once I started toying with the idea of quitting my job all together I decided to call the AA hotline. I cried for almost an hour with the woman telling her that alcohol has reduced me to a woman who gets blackout drunk every weekend and falls off barstools and on the ground in front of friends and cowokers, who says the absolute dumbest and most embarrassing things, and who hates herself all day every day.

So I am going to my first AA meeting tomorrow afternoon. I don't believe in God so I wasn't going to try AA but the woman I spoke with said that everyone in the room will understand the inner distress I live in 24/7.

Thank you all for the support. It has really made me feel better and I'm ready to face my coworkers and ready to apologize and then move on which is what the woman on the AA hotline told me would most likely happen. Alcohol really distorts our reality doesn't it. It makes us think completely irrationally even when we're sober.

Gottalife

It's great news to hear that you have decided in a plan to get help. I didn't believe in God either and still have no formal religion. But I did find something that worked with me. If you approach AA with an open mind, there is no reason you won't be able to find the answers you need.

Please let us know how you get on. You may never need to drink again.

zjw

we have a very short term memory. I had to heavily remind myself of the cons that would go along with drinking. becuase believe me I'd forget them fast or not care or make excuses etc... Its almost like it had to be day 1 of sobriety every day till it sunk in. If the cons of the past where not smaken me in the face I'd quickly get stupid and go do something dumb. not that we should dwell in the past but a firm reminder of the consequences of drinking kinda needs to be there at all times till its easier to say no.

LBrain

tdk, been there done that, I think many of 'us' can relate

Elisabeth888

Great thread, I totally relate!!

How are you doing?

Dan1888

Done this so many times. Ive embarrassed myself and blacked out too many times to count, hearing some of things I got up to when I was absolutely out of it made me cringe. It usually involved me being pretty offensive to people or getting barred from somewhere. This site is actually really helping me, try visiting it every day even if its just for a few minutes and read some of the threads.

If you cant break the cycle by yourself get help because you really are going to be going round in circles for the rest of your life if you dont.

Get drunk- Embarrass yourself - Feel better - Get drunk- Embarrass yourself - Feel better - Get drunk- Embarrass yourself - Feel better - Get drunk- Embarrass yourself - Feel better - Get drunk- Embarrass yourself - Feel better.....and so it will go on and on.

Im just turned 36 Ive been doing that for over 20 years. Enough is enough, there is more to life than that.

Thepatman

Nothing to be embarrassed about.

Hope you use the experience to propel you forward in your recovery. ;-)

CloudStrife

I've been there. You are not alone.

SoberCAH

Very well put, especially the analogy to telling a clinically depressed person to have a nice day.