Darragh

I've tried this for over ten years... to quit.. to like myself...to succeed at life..and I have failed. It's not just drinking, it is everything. I am a total loser. I think my loved one (and there really is only one at this point, my poor husband) would be so much better off without me. Has anyone felt this way?

mavrick

What makes you think your a loser Darragh ?

And yes I had those feeling usually after a drinking spree.

Dee74

I think most of us have felt that way Darragh - but I'm willing to bet your husband disagrees

what kinds of things have you tried in the past?

D

Raider

I'm sorry you think that. I'm sure your loved one doesn't think that way. Blessings.

Higherwisdom

Hi Darragh I know how you feel as I am also having a tough time. It's tough when the booze and all that loses the magic and just becomes pain.

Sudz No More

Don't be so hard on yourself, we've all had our down moments. We've had our up moments too and there is no reason that tomorrow can't start anew for you on a positive note. Chin up and keep trying.

Darragh

Thanks for your replies. I have tried (and we are talking 15 plus years)..meetings with AA, WFS, SR,RR, Inpatient rehab for 28 days.. outpatient rehab for years and years ... tried to get back into that recently and they aren't accepting ppl from outside their cachement area now.. and now I live in the boonies (= North York,haha).
I just think it is too late for me. I am 45 and I have made too many mistakes and I am too sick. My husband does not deserve this. I love him too much to keep him tied to me.

huntingtontx

Darragh, it is up to you. Let tomorrow be day one. You can do this. Just don't drink tomorrow. Come here and hang out with us. Just a thought. It is what a lot of us do. We come here each day. I am not saying it is easy, but it can be done. You are in my prayers.

LadyBlue0527

It's never too late to keep trying.

Be careful with the rest of those thoughts, they sound very AVish and I know them well.

zjw

45? thats not too old. Your never too old. I swear since I quit drinking everyone else has gotten older and I've gotten younger.

My wife shoulda left me. I have no idea why she never did. as much as she can drive me insane sometimes. She must love me to put up with my Cr** all those years.

I doubt your husbands better off without you.

You almost sound like me at one point where I could not even see out over the top edge of the pit i was in so deep. I had no idea how i'd get out nor did i care. If someone would have reached out to help me I would have bit there hand like the sick dog that i was. I was stuck there willing to simply die there.

I wish I could explain to you how I got out of that pit. I kept it as simple as possible I could not focus on anything else in life very well. it was a very hard time. not drinking was priority #1. it came ahead of anything and everything in life. It took so much to stay sober. And honestly I doubt that strength came from me. I doubt i did that on my own. I felt as if someone reached in and just ripped me out of that pit and said hold dont let go i'm gonna get you out of this mess. And i said what the hell for leave me here! youll never help me its Fing hopeless. The voice said just hang on. I thought what do i got to loose i'm damned if i do damned if i dont way i saw it.

I figured if i sobered up i was pretty much F**Cked I figerd if i didnt I was screwed too. I just figured I had nothing left to loose and if the sober game wasnt for me the liqour store was right around the corner to bail me out of that stupid idea. But I also new i Had to give it a good shot a best effort.

The sober game became a lot better then I ever realized so each day I tried it again.

Try for an hour or 2. then half a day. then a full day etc... Say to yourself Ya know I made it 2 hours and Then i picked up. well tommorrow I'm gonna try and go 3 hours etc.. Build on it from there tell yourself it was not so bad etc...

its painful. people do care. if no one cared no one would be responding to your post. I bet many of us with sobriety under our belts are thinking the same thing. If only I could just reach into this person rattle them give them some of what i got. They would see just how precious they are etc..

I wish i could sober up ever last drunk that is haten life because of this awful sickness. Its terrible what it does to an individual. But it seriously does not have to be this way.

Look at Dee she has 7 years. Look how many posts she has. Talk about caring!! people care just hang out in places where there at.

Dive into it as well. I had to eat breath sleep and cr** being sober. I had to endulge anything and everything was all about i how i could maintain that. I was OBSESSED. I had to be or else I would have never made it.

least

You sound very depressed. You may not feel like you have value, but you do. Everyone does. It's just hard to see it when it's obscured by drinking.

Your husband wouldn't be better off without you. That's the depression and drinking talking.

Croissant

Hi Darragh....zjw, your post is so true. We all have felt hopeless and worthless at some point, probably many times and wish you could make it out of the murk too Darragh. 45 is not old, please do not give up on yourself or your husbands love for you. The options aren't worth it.

Zjw...you mentioned Dee having 7 years, and it resonates with me that 7 years ago I left someone I loved because I thought they'd be better off without me. Now I'm sober, I regret that drunk fuzzed decision so much. Please remember Darragh, alcohol is a depressant - making huge life decisions are best made sober. Well, all life decisions, really!

Please try to forget the past and focusing on failures. I hope you find a way to give one sober day a go. Go to sleep, and then try it again. You've done sober before....it's much better than the fleeting fake pleasure alcohol gives you. The AV is lying to you hon.xx

neferkamichael

Darragh, I was an alcoholic for 42 years and going on 4 years sober now. Your statements about yourself made me think about all that time and honestly there was a lot of positive moments along side the negative ones for me, and I bet you have had plenty of positive statements you can say about you, so lets here a few, we are all rooting for ya.

EndGameNYC

And there you have it.

hollybear

I feel like that all the time. A book that has really helped me is "The Mindful Way Through Depression". It helps illuminate and give tools for ways out of the downward spirals of thought like the ones in your post:
Here's a link, really try reading it. Maybe it can help you the way it helps me
The Mindful Way Through Depression: Freeing Yourself from Chronic Unhappiness (Book & CD): Mark Williams, John Teasdale, Zindel Segal, Jon Kabat-Zinn: 9781593851286: Amazon.com: Books

Gottalife

I see you have tried a bit of this and a bit of that, a few AA meetings, and some other stuff. probably, your solution lies in selecting a suitable method of recovery, and giving it total commitment. Picking bits of this and that and pulling back when we find something that doesn't seem to suit us, us a sure recipe for failure, not matter which method you choose.

The method that worked for me was AA. It is a spiritual program. Working it thoroughly results in a spiritual awakening which, in short, means a revolutionary change in our way of thinking which removes our need to drink.

How many meetings do you need to got to to get one of these? That's a trick question, meetings alone do not bring about a spiritual awakening. You could go to a 1000 and still be feeling defeated.

How many steps? It began to happen after 5 and became a permanent state of recovery as I continued through 9 and adopted 10 11 and 12 as a way of life. How long does that take?

For me it was 90 days (step 9) when the obsession to drink was lifted and I could get on with developing this way of life without fear of drinking. Others take longer, for some it happens in the first few weeks. It is up to the individual how long they wish to take over recovery. But it never happens with just a few meetings.