Take the Cotton Out of Your Ears
 

Suggestions, please - what's the best way to work with a new sponsee who is in and out of the rooms, and when she's in everyone knows it because she shares personal problems at every meeting she attends. When she is not talking she is rummaging through her pocketbook, whispering to the person seated next to her, etc. I was very much like this when I was on the relapse merry-go-round years ago but dont remember my sponsor pointing it out. Maybe I just outgrew my need to be "the star" and if so perhaps I should let her continue as she has been. I just wonder, is a discussion about humility appropriate and would it be beneficial?

Depends on what she is looking to you for? Are you a shoulder to cry on kind of sponsor to her or one that only sponsors her so she can work the steps and recover. It really is down to how you set the relationship up and what you have said and done thus far:-)

Do you have regular meetings with her 1:1 to work through the steps? Whereabouts is she with this?

It might be that she just isn't ready to listen...I wasn't at first either. There's little you can do if she isn't taking on what you are offering. I've not been sponsoring long, but most people who have asked me have been desperate to want to change. They've needed a bit of chivvying to get past step 4, but have been enthusiastic about the rest of the process.

I've been approached a couple of times by people who want to change but who haven't wanted to put in the work. I leave it up to them...and back off.

"When she is not talking she is rummaging through her pocketbook, whispering to the person seated next to her, etc. "
you may have done that, but to you approve of your behavior back then? do you feel your behavior back then was acceptable?
I wouldn't see anything wrong with taking her aside and talkin about her actions during the meeting.
as far as the personal problems being shared at meetings, the 2nd part of yer thread starter comes to mind.

but to start with- ask her if she wants to get sober and is willing to go to any lengths.

Share that with her. That you used to be the same way and eventually you stopped. It's all a part of thinking of oneself and not about starting to think of others IMHO. And it is ok, it is all growing.

OMG you reminded me of a girl that would take out a file and start filing her nails.

It was explained to me that some people are social clods.

They were not taught manners.

Someone has to teach them. Tell her in a kind way. She might not even realize how she is a distraction.

:)

how about just telling her she is being disruptive?

I'd use the first three steps and the topic of humility. The "shut up and listen" approach.
I know many sponsees are receptive to hearing character defects and working on those along with the steps.

When I was 12 stepped, I was given a briefing on meeting etiquette. So I knew how to behave because someone told me. This is a disadvatage of just telling people to come to meetings rather than 12 stepping them.

As a sponsor, the job is to take a willing newcomer through the steps and show them how to have a spirtual experience. Nothing more, nothing less.

Whether they get sober or not is in God's hands. We can't fix them, they are beyond human aid. we can only show what we did in the context of the Big book.

If the person is not willing, we cannot effectively sponsor them.

Hi Mike. Where I'm from a sponsor is as you describe and in addition sort of a supportive guide in living depending on the sponsee. Such as suppose the sponsee in the first few months of sobriety were to say something like " I met this wonderful girl last week and we've decided to get married this week end." I think a sponsor might point out the pitfalls of that endeavor and other lifes practices. I remember when I was 1-3 months sober I told my sponsor I had a problem and he responded right away I had a situation, a problem is a drink in my hand. I always remember that.

BE WELL

get them past step 5

That's usually all it takes.

Perhaps Live and Let Live?

Hi to you IOAA2:) I appreciate and understand what you are saying, but experience has brought me to a slightly different view which I will try to explain.

When I came into the fellowship the mantra, from the local treatment centre - not AA - was no emotional involvements for two years. For me, a barely functioning human being living on instinct and not much else, this seemed ridiculous and I certainly took no notice.

The AA position is that relationships have no bearing on whether you can recover or not. "Job or no Job, wife or no wife..... Burn the idea into the consciousness of every man that he can get well regardless of anyone. The only condition is that he trust in God and clean house."

Earlier I said that the most dangerous thing a sponsor can to is to get between the newcomer and their spiritual experience. By stepping in and trying to prevent a relationship from happening, the sponsor risks putting up a barrier. If the newcomer, as I would have, ignores the advise, when it all goes wrong he may feel that he cannot go back to his sponsor.

To me the sponsor would be quite arrogant. How does he know whether the newcomer should be in a relationship? How does he know that God didn't set this up? How does he know the newcomer won't learn some valuable lesson? And how does he know that the newcomer will be able to get over the barrier that ignoring his sponsor's advice has created?

I went through this process with the most dreadful serial 13 stepper in the fellowship, not that I knew it at the time, and no one could have told me. My sponsor said nought (just bit his tongue as he later told me) and he was there to catch me wehn it all went wrong.

Through the experience I learned a great deal, well summarised in trust God and clean house. I did not need to drink as the relationship never assumed a priority over the program.

Recently a man I sponsor, came to me to tell me he had decided to form a relationship with an AA lady. He was quite nervous that I would react badly and was surprised when I didn't.

You see, I don't know whether he should be in this relationship or not. That's between him and his God. My job is to help him work the steps and develop this way of living. And I know, from past experience, that his decision to be in this relationship will give him many opportunities to learn and grow. It would be arrogant in the extreme for me to assume I have all the answers and to deny him that opportunity.

Hope that wasn't too far off the thread. Forgive me if it was.

Hi Mike. I appreciate your beliefs. The above of mine was not too far fetched in todays softer and more cuddly AA. We/I at times can convince ourselves of many BS things in life and at times we need a flesh guide to point out some things we've learned over the years. Heck I've been sober +35 and fairly often talk with my sponsor AND his wife about certain concerns. It's still a learning process and I need refresh input on things I didn't come into this world equipped for.
For instance I recently got a pearl from her and use it today. I was having some difficulty with someone's actions and she suggested in situations of disagreement that I think "maybe he/she is right." Then it's up to me to act.

BE WELL