WhiteFeathers

The last time I really tried to get and stay sober, it felt like an uphill battle from all sides. It seemed like the only one who wanted me to get sober was ME.

Some of you talk about letting your spouses down by drinking again. My husband was relieved and happy when I started drinking again. He likes it when I drink. He thinks it's "funny" and that I'm "cute" when I am drunk.

It shouldn't be a surprise to learn that he is also a heavy drinker. It's an accepted part of his "brand" as it were. He owns it. He's happy that way. Fundamentally, he isn't usually particularly destructive when he drinks. Usually, he's a bon-vivant with a nice glass of Merlot. I don't think anyone would describe him as a alcoholic.

I am bored and simultaneously stressed most days. I spend days at home completing grad-school work and some at-home computer based jobs. I start drinking as soon as I drop my kids off at school. I'm a straight A student and my work is really good. I just do it tipsy. I've tried doing other things to keep me from drinking... I have tried to commit to yoga classes and daily exercise, but usually, I'd just rather stay home, isolate and drink.

On the weekends, I drink socially too. I spend Saturday nights out having cocktails with friends or at parties. I have a very close-knit community and I really love my friends. I don't think they really see me as a alcoholic either. Yes, I get too drunk sometimes, but doesn't everybody? Beyond getting "too drunk," I don't have any other real problems as a result of drinking (except I'm 30-40 lbs overweight, thank you wine, I feel like crap much of the time, etc.).

I have posted this stuff before, but I think I just need to really confront the fear of what sobriety means to me? I don't think I can stay married and be sober. I don't know how I would do it, honestly. I don't know how I would keep many of my dear friends. Alcohol is just so ingrained into my whole life...

I just need some words of inspiration. I know it can get better. I just can't even imagine my life without alcohol at all. I've tried AA. I don't feel like I fit in. There are so few alcoholics in AA around my 'hood. I know it shouldn't matter, but it kinda does anyway.

Mags1

Hi WhiteFeathers, I think I was very similar yo yourself about ten years ago. I knew I drank too much but I still did everything expected of me, I worked, cleaned up, went out, on the surface I was normal.

My drinking did get worse, I thought about drinking or I drank, I still carried on working etc but I was in a fog, I didn't know it. I was happy in my oblivion, nothing could stop me then to give up my god, my crutch, my life.

So, it is a life changing step I made but I'm learning how to live, sober, it is so much better though, life isn't perfect and if I have a bad day I don't have to get drunk to feel better, it doesn't own me anymore.

LBrain

Be ready to hear this, "The only thing I had to change was everything."
All I had to do was stop drinking. Then figure out how to deal with life sober. Still working on the second part. For some it is a major change for others not so much.
Good luck.

jaynie04

Unfortunately, if you are an alcoholic like me chances are your life will change ultimately. The difference is whether you self direct that change or follow the natural progression that alcoholism normally takes. So either way your life will be altered from what it is now, continuing to drink is in some capacity choosing a road.

It is hard. Sobriety has to bleed into every area of your life. I was talking in therapy this morning about how I envision sobriety like a white tablecloth underlaying everything and I am slowly putting the dishes back onto it.

I don't believe I really have a choice about going backwards. The boozy dinner parties, sloshy afternoon alleged book clubs or cooking classes, or Sunday night red wine in front of the fire is now in my history book. Before I got sober I was in such a murky place. I am nowhere near where I want to be, but at least I feel like I have a trajectory.

I would be struggling too if my husband thought my drinking was cute. The thing is if you are an alcoholic this status quo won't prevail. It will inevitably disintegrate.

My real tumble came from being in exactly the same situation. After 2 decades of strenuous careers I thought clearing my schedule and staying home would be divine. And the Stepford-esque community I live in facilitated the illusion that alcohol was acceptable pretty much any time of the day. Shocking that I managed to find a crowd that mirrored my predisposition…..Slowly I started to isolate. People that worked for me became my social scene, Greta Garbo could have called me for tips. I didn't realize it but I was setting up my life to accommodate my drinking, and then I started using pills to manage hangovers. I gained weight too, stopped exercising, shlumped around in the same clothes.

I lost bits of myself slowly. I got furious when the phone rang or I received an invitation. I joked about drinking sort of feeling people out. I immersed myself in novels that glorified boozy scenes. I loved movies that affirmed that alcohol was a constant in peoples lives. I didn't drive ever drunk, but since I started earlier and earlier that meant that my life got smaller and smaller.

There will always be people who went beyond where I went with their drinking (at least so far, I could always go lower)and there will always be people who got off the ride sooner. Each one of us holds the power of that choice in our hands. I see us all on a continuum and it is our choice when we decide that we are going to create that fork in the road.

Trying to add sobriety as an addendum and keep our lives as they were makes it so much harder. If you are at all like me you have started to shape your life around alcohol. If you are an alcoholic that will likely only continue and it will never be easier than it is today.

KateL

With me it was more like changing my whole way of thinking xxxxx

karate

Since im not 100% sober ,my response will be discredited by some of the total abstaining folks .

And that's okay AA is great for some folks .

But -imo if you can knock off some of the stress the drinking will be reduced .

Dale Carnagies "How to stop worrying and start living
That book was the start of the turning point in my life .

And while im not active in AA ,I do have and read the big book .

WhiteFeathers

Thank you all for the quick and heartfelt responses. Soberrecovery is such an amazingly supportive community. I am so grateful.

Wow, Jaynie thanks so much for that wonderfully descriptive and honest response. I relate to so much to what you wrote, especially the Stepford-esque quality of your community. The nickname I give my neighborhood is "hipster" Stepford. It's just the same as the Stepford of legend except everyone works as scriptwriters and music producers and drinks craft beers and Moscow Mules made with Zubrowka.

I know I can choose sobriety, the hard part is protecting it. I like the idea of the white table cloth

CAPTAINZING2000

Might be a bit hard for you if, you have a husband encouraging your drinking

bigsombrero

To answer your question honestly: yep, I had to pretty much change my whole life.

Since getting sober 21 months ago: I got a new job, and now I keep to myself after work. I don't go out on weekend nights. I've stopped hanging out with most of my old friends because all they do is have drinking parties or still go out to the bars (we are all almost 40). While they were practicing horse-shoes and their bean bag tosses and drinking craft brews, I moved abroad for 6 months to do volunteer work in Central America. I have lost 20 lbs.

I'm flying out west next week to look for a new city to call home. I don't want to live in this apartment any longer. Nor do I want to be in this town anymore. I'm not running from anything, but rather running towards a new life. A body in motion stays in motion. There is no going back to what it used to be.

I'm not sure how that translates to your situation, but I do understand what you mean when you say you just can't continue with how things are.

alphaomega

Wow - this grabbed my breath. Printing out for sobriety journal.

What a beautiful handle you have on this leg of our journey.

Whew. Thanks friend.

doggonecarl

I imagine you can't if you are still drinking. You are actively romancing the alcohol. It's also the mind set of the "unrecovered" alcoholic who isn't drinking but mourns it's absence and yearns for the drink yet to come.

But I've been sober for over three years, work my recovery daily, and alcohol is not part of my life.

And that is a wonderful blessing.

littlefish

I didn't change my whole life to get sober. The conditions of my life stayed essentially the same. Well into 3 years of sobriety. What changed completely was my attitude towards life. Now the change in attitude is causing some amazing changes in my life!
But i digress.
If you are drinking directly after dropping your kids off, you must be way past tipsy when they get back. Not enough reason to quit, there?

The boredom could very well be caused by the drinking. The more we drink, the less we engage with life, the less we engage with life, the less interesting life seems.

Of course your heavy drinking husband wants you to keep on drinking. It is a common tactic of heavy drinkers to try and sabotage other people's recovery.

Lots of us get stuck in a drinking rut, especially while we are still young and our bodies can handle the abuse. But, it changes. How much time do you think you have?
What I regret the most is that I lost so much time, wasted so much time drinking when I was young. So many opportunities missed because I was hungover/drunk/felt like an alcoholic loser/had the chronic fear and doubt. We really don't have as much time as we think we do.

jdooner

Jaynie - this hit home. While different sexes we shared much in common tied by the single bond of addiction.

I was having this conversation with my brother yesterday. I diverted my plane to Chicago to meet with him - long story but he is dealing wit home addiction. Anyhow, I was trying to explain the lack of perspective I had when active. I used the old relative argument - I have more money than so and so. I am more successful...I have a house worth xxx. Problem was I was so dead inside. Then I also had the events I had to be drunk for..brother's wedding, F1 parties, work functions.

It is amazing how much energy we spend lying to ourselves and to others. I am an addict and an alcoholic. I will always be an addict and an alcoholic and unless I chose death over life I can never use a mind altering substance. I am recovering and hope to be recovered soon.

silentrun

You managed to achieve some sober time with a drinking spouse before. I remember commenting on one of your posts how amazing it was to me people remained sober with a drinking spouse. Some are actually able to do it. Is there anyway he would support you enough to at least keep it out of the house? Have you told any of your friends about your concerns over your drinking? Mine didn't know much about the nightly pint in front of the computer. It's just proves how good we are at hiding it not that this isn't a real problem.

WhiteFeathers

Big Sombrero, I continue to be inspired by the journeys you have embarked on since sobriety. I remember a lot of your old posts well, and they have stuck with me. One post, in particular was about a beautiful moment you experienced in central america--one you wouldn't have experienced if you were drinking. Another one was not so happy. I think it was you who posted about trying to figure out what to do during the evenings when you're not ready to just turn in at night with a book. I could really feel your frustration. Congrats on your 21 months! It seems like an eternity to me!

WhiteFeathers

To be clear, my husband doesn't just drink. If he just drank some wine at night or whatever, and kept it in the house, I don't think that would be the issue. But our entire lives are centered around drinking... the boozy dinner parties, inviting friends over for cocktails, etc. It's honestly too much for me!

He is "supportive" of me getting sober. Which is to say, he's not very supportive. He loves having a drinking buddy. But this can't be my role in life. The last time I was sober for a few months, he told me that he thinks I'm "blaming all my problems on alcohol." Like, if I just quit drinking, then everything would be perfect (note the sarcasm).

I suppose he has a point--but only to a certain level. Even in AA, people work the steps to get to the root of their addiction--their spiritual disease. This spiritual disease manifests differently for different people...for some it's overeating, gambling, sex, etc. Using something to help numb the pain or fill the void. But first you have to stop the addictive behaviors while addressing these concerns. If I'm still drinking then I will continue to run in circles, getting nowhere.

This must seem like the lamest of all excuses. I drink because my husband drinks. Imagine me writing, I shoot heroin because my husband shoots heroin or I gamble away all our money because he does, and loves every minute of it! It is total nonsense.

zjw

whitefeathers I can relate. beer was my best friend my whole live revolved around it. I never understood how anyone could not drink. i just assumed everyone had to have there crutch and you know most people do but some people dont. One step at a time one day at a time I became a totally different person.

To make a long story short i was a 275lb drunk chimney smoker who had trouble getting up the stairs and spent each evening smashing in beer after beer smoking pack after pack of cigarettes. All i wanted to do was sit around and get drunk and isolate myself.

I still like to be alone and am rather anti social. But here i am 3 years later now I dont drink I'm about 150lbs and I run 50-60 miles a week. I quit smoking I quit drinking and I became a vegan.

My wife gets mad as well I think she would like it if i would not have made so many changes. Misery loves company if you will. She says numerous times she'd like it if i ate the same things as the family if i could just not run so much if I could jsut have a drink once in a while. I'm not the same person she married and its hard for her.

So yeah I sorta had to change my entire life. I didnt really plan it like this. But in seeking more peace one thing after another I had to make positive change in my life if i wanted a more postive existance.

Its still not easy far from. But its one step at a time its all you can do. with any luck your husband will get used to it and be just fine with the new you etc.. so will your friends. You may or may not have to make new friends. People get kinda funky when you make big changes like this in your life. I lost a lot of friends I wont lie. A lot of people like to see you down again misery loves company. Thats ok tho you can meet people who like to see you excell instead.

WhiteFeathers

zjw-- you are a total inspiration!!!! Congrats on making all those great changes. I am in awe of the strength of the people on this board who are so brave to make these really tough changes.

What do you credit with being able to make such a life overhaul? If I may ask.

zjw

I couldnt go on doing what i was doing. It was clear it was not going to take me in a decent direction. But I had to quit drinking I had horrible panic attacks. as a last resort to solve that i figured well why not quit drinking. It was hard it stunk the hardest thing i ever had to do. After 6 months or so i was still very angry still had a lot of anxiety and problems. I figured I had gone this far why not try loosing some weight quit smoking so i got on a diet put downt he cigarettes and each day one day at a time I chose to eat good and I chose to take a 30 min walk. If i did nothing else i made sure i did this. My mind could be in the PIT I could be kicking and screaming but I still went and did these things 1 day at a time. When the weight came off i started feeling better. I was getting healthy again and happier.

I still got issues to work on. I still have problems. Life is not some grand thing and I still have some anxiety. But things are more manageable now and I've finally instilled some good habits.

But it was one day at a time one step at a time. I kept it very simple. I had too i was a mess if i over complicated it I would never had suceded.

Set some simple goals. Today I wont drink or this hour i wont drink etc.. and stick to one simple thing at a time. as you get that demon beat you can add another one to try and battle as you have the strength for it etc.. Dont bite off more then you can chew and take it a step at a time.

Not drinking each day should be like deciding to take a shower. its just something you do. I promise it gets easier. Non drinkers dont wonder the earth wishing they could just have a drink. Neither do non smokers wonder the earth just wishing they could have a smoke etc..

nigey1

[QUOTE=zjw;4568128]
Not drinking each day should be like deciding to take a shower. its just something you do. QUOTE]

Amen.. Barely a truer word spoken