Petewill

haven't posted in awhile. just being busy with work, work and more work. and some meetings. Pretty bummed today, just filled with alot of regret at all the bad life decisions or indecisions I made. I look at others - friends or aquaintances of mine and they seem like they are happy and made good life decisions.. there is so much wrong with everything in my life. I should have been living out west - been a working musician (kids here now) been with right person, single - can't get dates if my life depended on it. it's like the completely wrong life - like i should not be even living this existence. and to top it off, I still have a legal situation with my ex, wanting more child support. She knows i make better money now, so is just trying to get it. also, wants sole custody of my daughter because of my past behavior. She has no idea I have been sober this long. Drinking is a passing thought - but reality just sucks. I have a good job, pays well. but just feel like a loser, as I have not lived my life the way it should have been, then to top it off, I am a raging alcoholic.... idiotic.... I probably sound like a whining baby to some of you.. yes, I am doing the steps, slowly - as i stopped at step 5 because I could not justify living a spiritual life and following principals as I hate my ex so much now because of what she has done.. thanks for reading .. crap at 9 months...........

GracieLou

Doing step five allowed me to let go of the hate I felt towards my ex-husband.

It is the step that leads to the freedon from hate and resentment. I felt 100% better after doing it.

The anger I had would not go away for over two decades but I was able to let it go in the month it took to write it out and go over it all with my sponsor. There is relief, you just have to do it.

doggonecarl

Crap happens. I hear it even happens to people who aren't alcoholics. Go figure. And they get past it, just like you will.

If you are going to run your past through the wash cycle of your brain, be sure to run it through the spin cycle, dry and fold. Then put it away because it does no good to mull over what happened and what we can't change.

As for the ex, I hope you can get past it, because it could prove a real hurdle to your recovery.

Best of luck.

KateL

It does get better, I can vouch for that. I've lost count of the times I thought I'd never get over stuff, but I did xxxx xxxx

Climber122

Pete,

Clearly you feel overwhelmed by your feelings. It seems to me by reading through your post that a couple things I've learned might help you, because I've felt exactly the way you do now.

First, understand that feelings are just that - they are not facts because we can change them. But they can influence our actions, so we need to be careful as alcoholics when they overwhelm us. Feelings are part of what drove most of us to drink in the first place. You (like the rest of us) didn't like the way you felt so you preferred to get drunk and just feel ok for a while. But reality kept on going despite our fantasies and pretty soon life was a mess and yeah, that feels crappy.

So you made a decision to get sober which is a huge change in improving your life. Now that you are sober and can see how messed up things are, you need to get back to work on fixing the stuff that's broke. How do I know stuff is broke? I pulled these comments out of your post that indicate your feelings have you on the ropes:

"...all the bad life decisions...
...there is so much wrong with everything in my life...
...completely wrong life...
...reality just sucks...
...feel like a loser...
...way it should have been...
...(I'm) idiotic..."

I bolded the language that tells me you're engaged in "all or nothing" thinking. That's something we often do when our negative feelings are running the show. But is it really "all" bad? Wouldn't your situation be worse in dealing with your ex if say, you weren't making a decent living? And who, with any authority said you were a loser, besides yourself?

So you can see that your own language, directed at yourself is hurting you. Try being a little easier on yourself. I would suggest getting back to the meetings and if spirituality is difficult for you, use the group as your higher power. Next, be grateful - for all that truly isn't bad. Anyone hitting themselves over the head with negative thoughts like you are (and I did) would naturally feel awful!

Just accept that us alcoholics are kings of being hard on ourselves and in not being able to accept the way things are. So the key is in accepting, and in being okay with challenges. Next time you hear yourself say I'm "always" this or that "never" happens or I "should have" done so and so, just watch the thought leave your head and think...huh... addictive thinking again...guess I could use a meeting...

And I'll leave you with one that might hurt but I say it to help...Who said you are the authority on where your life should be? Maybe you're exactly where you need to be, right now. Don't you think if it were possible to create a perfect world someone would have achieved it by now?

Hang in there

Petewill

thanks for all of the responses. I see how important it is for me to keep moving with the steps.. well, for me at least.. it's just a matter of doing it..

Dee74

Whenever I was moping about where I was (or more commonly where I thought I should be) someone here always reminded me - what if you're right where you're meant to be at this point in time?

Looking back I can see the wisdom in that. I was where I needed to be then to get where I am now

I hope you'll feel better tomorrow Pete

D