Westy2

Hey everybody. Just started here. First post. Just started on camp real. Been in aa for about 5 years and it has just not worked. I used to drink about a 12 pack and 2 oil cans a night. Wound up jobless and almost wireless and homeless. I entered rehab and liked it in nc. I managed a whopping 6 months clean and sober. Other vices were benzos.
I try as hard as I can in aa, but it just never, ever takes. I attend aa, but find that if I share how I am actually feeling, I am told I am not working the program. When I lie, I am told I am doing great. I had a couple of sponsors, but it just never works. I try. I do. I even do service work, but at the end of the day....i just plain drink. I hate it. I really do. I can manage to get down to three beers a night, and the fact is...I still hate it. I hate drinking and everywhere it has taken me. I had picked up enough white chips to stock a casino. I can't bear to pick up more. I can't.
But....I just sit and remember how I feel when I don't drink. I get horrible, horrible feelings and just....will end up drinking my beer and lying. This is no existence. It stinks. People in aa ask if I want to sponsor and I won't. I can lie some, but I want the best for the new people. My wife thinks I am doing great, but I pound beers before coming home. I am a liar, I know.
Just started camp rail, and you know what? It seems to work. It I weirdly takes that strange "
I need to take the edge off" sensation, but I worry. And worry. About the day it does not.

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the Forum!! great to have you onboard!!

The fear of not being able live without alcohol is a very real fear, but it's a falsehood, where did alcohol lead any of us? . . . a job? more money? . . . or the complete opposite?

We've all been there Westy, having those thoughts, feeling that anxiety, and you too can push past those fears and start on a Sober path!!

You'll find loads of support here!!

Thepatman

I am sorry you are struggling. AA is not the only option out there. SMART recovery, AVRT, etc. look for the secular connection section if 12 steps programs does seem to work.

Everyone is different, keep searching until something sticks and fits your personal needs.

And above all, don't despair.

Be kind to yourself

KateL

Welcome xxxx

Hevyn

Welcome Westy! I don't have any experience with Campral - but I'm really glad you found us. This is a friendly & helpful group - happy to have you with us.

Dee74

Hi Westy

I dunno what the ultimate answer for you is, but I think you're in a great place to find it here. Post around and read as much as you like

D

SoberLeigh

Welcome, Westy, to SR ; glad that you found this site.

Arbor

Glad your here. Thanks for posting!

IOAA2

Hi. When I was where you are I was told that I wanted to drink more than I wanted to get sober. Fortunately I saw the light before it was too late.

The day it does not has taken the lives of too many as this disease has been deadly to many millions.

BE WELL

toddle118

Hi there, am glad you joined us

I read a quote on here, I cant remember what thread it was in, but goes along the lines of 'change comes when continuing to do what Im doing becomes more painful than the pain imagined in stopping' (it was something like that).

When I realised drink was no longer doing anything for me and making my life unmanagable I knew I had no other option than to stop. Sure its hard, sure I miss it...but the hollow existence of living in a twilight unreal world was worse.

I hope you find the help you need, this site was a lifesaver for me, good luck x

Taking5

Westy,

What step are you on? Have you done a thorough and fearless inventory? Shared it with another human being? Made a list of all people you have harmed? Have you made any amends yet?

Westy2

Yep. I drank the Kool Aid and went all in for as long as I could. Got a sponsor/did the steps/did service work. think it does a lot of good for a lot of people, but honestly...not much for me. I still attend, but not quite as active as I once was. I once shared I was still having a hard time, and a bunch of old timers promptly jumped all over me for not being grateful. Lesson learned: Lie. They could have gone with "Some days are easier , some are harder. Here is what we do." Nope.

I am one of the few people that just never got past any sort of craving. Not in 2 weeks, not in 3 months....not ever.

afloatsober

Westy welcome.
I did much the same in AA for many years. I got the feeling that i was 'tolerated' but had been consigned to the 'never get it' category. With hindsight that was an unfair judgement on them and on myself. One day i thought 'sod it, i don't give a damn what they think, this is for me!' and things started changing. And peoples attitude toward me changed.
Do it for you and you alone to start with.You can't give away what you don't have.
And as has been mentioned, there are many alternatives to AA that work for people here.
Some people even use a combination of strategies.
Plenty of ideas, support and experience here.
Look around.
Keep at it...
G

Treerat66

Hi Westy, welcome to SR

Anoronha

Hey just wanted to say welcome. Have you thought about trying different meetings. Some meetings are better than others. I also second what others have said smart recovery is another good option out there.

whiskeyman

You just never completed step one, successfully.
It is the hardest step i had to do.

To surrender and say goodbye to my best freind

Westy2

I am not going to argue here - I believe there is a thread just for that very purpose. I worked all of them to the best of my ability. In rehab and after.

There does however, come a point where you have to say "The medicine (AA) isn't working. What else can i do?"

whiskeyman

and your alcohol doesnt seem to be working either.

Have you tried any other programs.

Westy2

if it was...I likely would not be posting, would I?

I start meeting a counselor next week and started on Campral (sic?) the other day. Have to say - remarkable stuff - no cravings. Not sure I want to be tied to a 6 pill a day regimen, but it sure as heck beats drinking crappy beer in the dark.

whiskeyman

well best of luck and try everything you can, maybe its a little of this and a little of that.
you just have to commit and not drink.
I have been there too. I sat in AA meeting for a year thinking it wasnt working, I was so different than all of those people.

But I hit bottom and everything changed for me