Notices

Roguedreams vs. Herself (warning - long!)

Old 03-31-2014, 09:24 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
roguedreams's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Lawrence, KS
Posts: 250
Roguedreams vs. Herself (warning - long!)

Here goes...

I'm new here, have not yet made the decision to be sober, somewhat sad, generally perplexed, very messy and totally and utterly in belief that no one here will accept me or comprehend my exact personal life story.

But I made a promise to myself to ignore that last part, so in keeping with that promise, here I am. In a nutshell, give or take a nut.

First born, daughter of a high-functioning alcoholic dad (with a temper) and a stay-at-home passive mom. Very strict religious family, I might add. Pressure to perform was maximal.

Developed anorexia as an early teen, graduated high school at sixteen, proceeded to slowly f*** up my life. Moved from home at 18, married at 21, two kids by the time I was 26. Struggled pretty severely with eating disorders dished up with a side of alcoholism ... nearly lost my life a couple times, served seven long in-patient treatment "sessions" for my ED. Overall really rough times.

I somehow recovered from anorexia, bulimia and alcohol addiction, only then to go through a nasty divorce. (I still marvel that I went through that 100% sober!)

Fast forward to now. I started my alcohol relapse two years ago. Shortly thereafter (and completely unrelated) my ex lost his job and decided to move back to his childhood stomping grounds in Cali. When he lost his job, I'd lost child support and had had to find work quickly ... and so resorted to dancing (unbeknownst to him). When he decided to relocate, we made a mutual decision that the girls go with him, as his family and he would be better able to provide them with the care they needed.

Shortly thereafter I moved back home to the big D. I continued to dance (and still do) and continued to drink. Met this guy about a year ago, super sweet awesome dude, but he drinks. Like, DRINKS. Never really gets angry, but drinks way more than I did at the time I met him. We moved in together pretty quickly... I've continued to drink a little more and a little more as each week passes. Now I drink more than he! And in the last few months, for no real explicable reason, my eating disorders have returned with a vengeance.

So here I am. A single mom away from her kids. With a fellow that probably has a drinking problem too (I'd say it's abuse more than addiction? But who am I to know!) ... I work in an industry where alcohol consumption is supported and my income actually goes up if I drink. I'm relapsing in terms of the old EDs and my drinking is out of control. I don't drive drunk (as I can afford to get a cab or get a ride from a friend at work) so I have no legal consequences from it but the personal life results are staggering already.

Humbly submitted...
Rogue
roguedreams is offline  
Old 03-31-2014, 09:31 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
Dee74's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,043
Hi Rogue

I know it sometimes seems insurmountable - how do you get sober and yet remain you...how can you keep your life as it is, and not drink...

The answer is I don't think you can. And I'm willing to bet, behind that screaming terror of change most of us have, there's a sizeable part of you that wants more from life than what you have now.

Putting the bottle down is the first step to getting to where you want to be. It;s not easy, and having other addictions, and alcohol related jobs doesn't make it easier...but you will find a ton of support here.

You can have the life you want - whatever that is - if you're prepared to take a bit of a leap of faith and trust that things will be better sober...

They will

D
Dee74 is offline  
Old 03-31-2014, 09:32 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Sobriety is Traditional
 
Coldfusion's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Orcas Island, Washington
Posts: 9,033
Welcome to SoberRecovery, Roguedreams!

I found that quitting drinking was necessary to succeed in a relationship and control my psychotic tendencies. I now devote quite a bit of effort to recovery.

Reading and posting here is helpful--go for it!
Coldfusion is offline  
Old 03-31-2014, 09:37 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
jdooner's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3,359
Welcome - you have come to the right place. I actually relate to much of what you wrote. I am a guy and don't dance but the mindset is the same. We both use in your case and past tense in mine substances and behaviors to fill a void inside that was unsettled. This darkness in my case was never able to be satisfied by money, drugs, booze, sex, relationships. It took me twenty years to realize that I was chasing my tail, as I believe you are too.

I am glad you joined and hope you stay, your in the right place. Many will relate to your story, as its basic addiction in my opinion. The first step toward recovery is sobriety though. You can;t get better while using. I would start with mind altering first (alcohol and drugs) and then can begin working towards behaviors.
jdooner is offline  
Old 03-31-2014, 09:38 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
roguedreams's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Lawrence, KS
Posts: 250
double post
roguedreams is offline  
Old 03-31-2014, 09:39 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
roguedreams's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Lawrence, KS
Posts: 250
Originally Posted by Dee74 View Post
Hi Rogue

I know it sometimes seems insurmountable - how do you get sober and yet remain you...how can you keep your life as it is, and not drink...

The answer is I don't think you can. And I'm willing to bet, behind that screaming terror of change most of us have, there's a sizeable part of you that wants more from life than what you have now.

Putting the bottle down is the first step to getting to where you want to be. It;s not easy, and having other addictions, and alcohol related jobs doesn't make it easier...but you will find a ton of support here.

You can have the life you want - whatever that is - if you're prepared to take a bit of a leap of faith and trust that things will be better sober...

They will

D
Thank you, Dee. Btw, I love your avatar!!! Gotta love the Muppets.

Funny thing is, I like me sober. I liked those two years I had. In fact, I loved them! I miss them soooo much.

I feel stuck. I know this is normal, I know this is a good feeling really, because if I didn't feel stuck then I wouldn't be advancing towards the choice of sobriety. Right?

It's soooo true. I want so much more from life than what I have now! I want "all the things"!!!! (to quote that internet meme, lol) I want to run with the bulls in Spain, dang it! I want to fly like an eagle, doing the things I love to do that I cannot do now, thanks to alcohol and the EDs!

I'm so very familiar with recovery that it feels like an old horse. I know the process. I know the pain. But I also know the feeling at the end of the tunnel, the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. And I crave it like a fat kid craves cake, for lack of a better example.

It's just that dang STUCK feeling. "I can't". I can't move out, I'm stuck in a lease with a guy that gets mad if I refuse a drink. He's only sweet if I drink with him. I've asked if he would support me through AA, he's hesitantly said yes, but has also said he won't quit drinking himself. I've tried to break up with him three times this year, all three times ending in horrible stalemates.

Anyway, just venting. I feel so needy! Ack! Thank you sooooo much for all your attention and courtesy on all these threads, Dee! Truly grateful.
roguedreams is offline  
Old 03-31-2014, 09:52 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
jdooner's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3,359
Originally Posted by roguedreams View Post
It's just that dang STUCK feeling. "I can't". I can't move out, I'm stuck in a lease with a guy that gets mad if I refuse a drink. He's only sweet if I drink with him. I've asked if he would support me through AA, he's hesitantly said yes, but has also said he won't quit drinking himself. I've tried to break up with him three times this year, all three times ending in horrible stalemates.
How honest do you want to get? You just need to be honest with yourself about how willing you are to get better. You "know" addiction/recovery and the "pot of gold" on the other side. This is good because now you need to be willing to get there.

Sounds like your in a toxic relationship but he is at least supporting (for the time being) your desire to attend AA. You don't even have to be sober to start attending, just ave the desire. Try putting one foot in front of the other to start - attend a meeting, then attend another.

Maybe start with seeing if you can go a week without booze. The maybe two. Focus on just getting through the day. Develop a plan to get you through the tough times during the day.

Honestly if you want real lasting change your going to have to change just about everything in your life. You have built a life around addiction. This is not a judgement simply recognizing that you are going to need to be willing to make some real changes to your life to free yourself so you can "run with the bulls in Spain" and "soar like an eagle."
jdooner is offline  
Old 03-31-2014, 10:05 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
roguedreams's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Lawrence, KS
Posts: 250
Originally Posted by jdooner View Post
Maybe start with seeing if you can go a week without booze. The maybe two. Focus on just getting through the day. Develop a plan to get you through the tough times during the day.
I'm just scared of the detox. I've never been able to detox without in-patient care before. Reading the thread "Quitting ... What to Expect" has rather scared me all over again, lol!

I submitted some requests for information from a couple facilities in the area earlier this evening. Maybe they can work with me and my lack of insurance. If not...
roguedreams is offline  
Old 03-31-2014, 10:42 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
jdooner's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3,359
sign up for the Healthcare exchange to get insurance. Good luck - honestly you are asking all the right questions and I applaud you for doing this.
jdooner is offline  
Old 04-01-2014, 08:58 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 17
Rogue

I am on day 15 and I have had my struggles. Granted I don't have a lot of experience with this nor do I have a lot in common.

What I can say is that the SR community has a ton of people, from every walk of life, and I am certain some folks can relate directly or indirectly.

You will also find them extremely compassionate and supportive. Now they are honest but supportive.

With that said I wish you the best. Please stay around, read the stories, make some acquaintances and try your hardest to get one day under your belt. YOU CAN DO THIS!!!

Godspeed
-justinB
dfwtrader is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 08:21 AM.