The duality of the disease
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 3
The duality of the disease
How is that I can be the super mom and housewife, yet also someone who struggles to drink in moderation?
The two just don't seem to match up. I love my life, my husband, my daughter. I do things like canning, scrap booking, working out, yet maybe more than occasionally I find myself awake and drinking at night... It starts out with one and the feeling is fun and fancy free. And then I just can't stop because all the sudden I am less stressed, my mind slows down to a manageable rate of thought and things are fine until I black out or start thinking what in the heck am I doing this for if everything is fine, fine, fine?! It could have been a perfectly fine day and it probably was, as most are around here; but, alas, I end up in the same situation time and time again. It's like I perceive it to be some kind of reward for being exceptional in other areas of my life. Like it's okay if I just let lose and have adult time after all I have done for others, yet gladly though.
How can I be these two things at once? The fact that I am a mother and wife, while also being a problem drinker, makes the problem seem less serious somehow or at least maybe understandable when you look at the whole picture of who I am. But, it is serious. Is there even a word for this? It's not a typical alcoholic type situation where I am obsessed with it all the time, doing it all the time, in a bad situation as a result... But more times than not, once the alcohol goes in my system there is no way to tell if I will drink moderately or just drink to excess. Why do I do this? Is there really a genetic component going on here? Both my parents and both their parents were alcoholics, so am I just doomed? Is there something wrong and different going on in my brain that I do not have the sense of the care to stop drinking once I have started?
How does this happen and why? Why do I keep doing the same thing when I know it's wrong?
The two just don't seem to match up. I love my life, my husband, my daughter. I do things like canning, scrap booking, working out, yet maybe more than occasionally I find myself awake and drinking at night... It starts out with one and the feeling is fun and fancy free. And then I just can't stop because all the sudden I am less stressed, my mind slows down to a manageable rate of thought and things are fine until I black out or start thinking what in the heck am I doing this for if everything is fine, fine, fine?! It could have been a perfectly fine day and it probably was, as most are around here; but, alas, I end up in the same situation time and time again. It's like I perceive it to be some kind of reward for being exceptional in other areas of my life. Like it's okay if I just let lose and have adult time after all I have done for others, yet gladly though.
How can I be these two things at once? The fact that I am a mother and wife, while also being a problem drinker, makes the problem seem less serious somehow or at least maybe understandable when you look at the whole picture of who I am. But, it is serious. Is there even a word for this? It's not a typical alcoholic type situation where I am obsessed with it all the time, doing it all the time, in a bad situation as a result... But more times than not, once the alcohol goes in my system there is no way to tell if I will drink moderately or just drink to excess. Why do I do this? Is there really a genetic component going on here? Both my parents and both their parents were alcoholics, so am I just doomed? Is there something wrong and different going on in my brain that I do not have the sense of the care to stop drinking once I have started?
How does this happen and why? Why do I keep doing the same thing when I know it's wrong?
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
It's called alcoholism for the majority of us. And there really is no answer to "why"'we are that way unfortunately. Many start out just like you where we assume its not a big problem as we still go about most of our lives and perform most our responsibilities in spite of the drinking. In almost every case though, the symptom get worse. It might start with missing an day of work because of a hangover, or passing out while reading a bedtime story to the kids. It creeps up on you and before you know it, some lose it all.
The good news is you have a choice. There are a host of recovery and support systems that can help one get sober. SR is one. Many others are discussed here too. You are very fortunate to have the luxury of getting sober while you still have your family, health and home.
The good news is you have a choice. There are a host of recovery and support systems that can help one get sober. SR is one. Many others are discussed here too. You are very fortunate to have the luxury of getting sober while you still have your family, health and home.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Santa Barbara, SoCal
Posts: 561
I think you'll be surprised at how many of us relate to this. Most of us continued our drinking despite the fact that our lives were "put together" in other aspects. It's very common.
I always say that if I drink 10 times, 7 out of those times I will drink moderately. But those 3 times when I can't stop will ruin my life eventually.
It's better to just eliminate the problem and enjoy the rest of your life that you work hard to maintain. Alcohol isn't worth the problems it causes.
Glad you are here!
I always say that if I drink 10 times, 7 out of those times I will drink moderately. But those 3 times when I can't stop will ruin my life eventually.
It's better to just eliminate the problem and enjoy the rest of your life that you work hard to maintain. Alcohol isn't worth the problems it causes.
Glad you are here!
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
The dual "personality" is a good representation of an addict, I think. I relate to it a lot. Unfortunately as the disease progresses, the "negative pole" tends to occupy more and more room and the positive is given less and less surface time... this is a sad truth.
Definitely better to tackle the problem while the ratio is closer to 1:1 - I was not fast enough myself. Welcome to SR, fromashesirise! Please stay mindful of your realization and act on it.
The neurobiology of the brain explains this duality beautifully, your intuition is correct... I will say more about this later when I have enough time.
Definitely better to tackle the problem while the ratio is closer to 1:1 - I was not fast enough myself. Welcome to SR, fromashesirise! Please stay mindful of your realization and act on it.
The neurobiology of the brain explains this duality beautifully, your intuition is correct... I will say more about this later when I have enough time.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
"How is that I can be the super mom and housewife, yet also someone who struggles to drink in moderation? "
alcoholics cant moderate.
you may want to change your perception of what a 'typical" alcoholic is.
it could be as simple as accepting your an alcoholic and want to do something to stop drinking.
alcoholics cant moderate.
you may want to change your perception of what a 'typical" alcoholic is.
it could be as simple as accepting your an alcoholic and want to do something to stop drinking.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Ireland
Posts: 244
don't flame me for this, I thought like this. I thought my only problem was drinking and I was gifted at everything else.
Give some time to sobriety and tell me that you haven't room to improve in otherways.
You might think you are the worlds best mother in a whole range of areas but alcoholism may blind you to other equally important areas of motherhood you cannot even comprehend because you are drinking.
Give some time to sobriety and tell me that you haven't room to improve in otherways.
You might think you are the worlds best mother in a whole range of areas but alcoholism may blind you to other equally important areas of motherhood you cannot even comprehend because you are drinking.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 273
I feel your pain and I understand it all too well. There are sooo many of us that struggle with what problem drinkers "look like." Others have already mentioned it but ditto to being part the gang of functioning alcoholics who struggled with admitting to ourselves that we had a problem because we were keeping the rest of our lives together. Its easy to beat ourselves up because there is no logical reason. Fact is there are theories galore about why people abuse alcohol/become alcoholics but nobody really knows for sure. Heredity is certainly a factor but if this is the case how come I myself am one of three children and my siblings are not alcoholics? How come some people spend years drinking moderately and then at mid life it becomes a problem? On the questions go (can you tell I've struggled with them as well;-)).
You may already be familiar with Elizabeth Vargas since she recently got lots of attention for coming out with her issues. I'm admittedly not "A Good Morning America" watcher and it took someone else telling me about her interview but it resonates with me, may for you as well (google it if you're not familiar, can't post a link).
I hope that you are smarter than I am. My drinking was 98% in secret and at night and I hid it well. I knew I had a problem for quite some time but did nothing. It took one incident where I got "caught" with my problem by family and it was terribly embarrassing and humiliating. It also forced me to acknowledge and deal with my problem. I will say that since quitting that I'm finding that drinking was affecting my life in many ways that I didn't realize. Hiding a problem saps your energy. I think I'm a better Mom to my daughter, I'm sleeping better, I'm far less anxious, and I think the antidepressants are working better.
Good luck. Tough stuff but you are not alone!
You may already be familiar with Elizabeth Vargas since she recently got lots of attention for coming out with her issues. I'm admittedly not "A Good Morning America" watcher and it took someone else telling me about her interview but it resonates with me, may for you as well (google it if you're not familiar, can't post a link).
I hope that you are smarter than I am. My drinking was 98% in secret and at night and I hid it well. I knew I had a problem for quite some time but did nothing. It took one incident where I got "caught" with my problem by family and it was terribly embarrassing and humiliating. It also forced me to acknowledge and deal with my problem. I will say that since quitting that I'm finding that drinking was affecting my life in many ways that I didn't realize. Hiding a problem saps your energy. I think I'm a better Mom to my daughter, I'm sleeping better, I'm far less anxious, and I think the antidepressants are working better.
Good luck. Tough stuff but you are not alone!
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,424
You're not doomed at all. Both my parents were alcoholics too.
I was also "together" in life but still drinking--not everyday and not obsessively for many years, but still using alcohol to deal with life / emotions / the high-speed brain.
I am much happier and more together since I removed alcohol from my life.
I am in no way "trapped" by the biology of my alcoholic parents.
Addiction is a choice. You can unchoose at any time
I was also "together" in life but still drinking--not everyday and not obsessively for many years, but still using alcohol to deal with life / emotions / the high-speed brain.
I am much happier and more together since I removed alcohol from my life.
I am in no way "trapped" by the biology of my alcoholic parents.
Addiction is a choice. You can unchoose at any time
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
I was superman with a drink. great job nice house nice family im a great father blah blah but i could drink them back like no tommorrow.
without the drink life is different. I cannot take on as much because I cannot just self medicate to unwinde at the end of the day. I have to live within my limits etc..
But for me too yeah I wasnt that typical drunk leaving the bar when it closed and waiting eagerly out front for them to open back up again etc.. I kept my job wife and kids etc.. somehow life seemed fine from everyone elses perspective.
When i went to AA the first time I thought how the hell did my life end up here? Here i am at a table surrounded by all those "alcoholics" my mother always warned us about as we'd pass by and whisper about them. I recall one such local drunk growing up. he'd sleep outside the bar. he was a mess till that place opened up twitchen jitters shaken etc.. then when he came out fo the bar for some fresh air he'd be falling down drunk all over the place then he'd go back inside. This was not me I was not like that or was I?
I was no diff i just was not out there for the world to see and I had not gotten as bad in some areas but was probably worse in others.
its nothing to get upset about it is what it is just beat it and move forward.
without the drink life is different. I cannot take on as much because I cannot just self medicate to unwinde at the end of the day. I have to live within my limits etc..
But for me too yeah I wasnt that typical drunk leaving the bar when it closed and waiting eagerly out front for them to open back up again etc.. I kept my job wife and kids etc.. somehow life seemed fine from everyone elses perspective.
When i went to AA the first time I thought how the hell did my life end up here? Here i am at a table surrounded by all those "alcoholics" my mother always warned us about as we'd pass by and whisper about them. I recall one such local drunk growing up. he'd sleep outside the bar. he was a mess till that place opened up twitchen jitters shaken etc.. then when he came out fo the bar for some fresh air he'd be falling down drunk all over the place then he'd go back inside. This was not me I was not like that or was I?
I was no diff i just was not out there for the world to see and I had not gotten as bad in some areas but was probably worse in others.
its nothing to get upset about it is what it is just beat it and move forward.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Posts: 65
I could relate to this exactly for many years. Fantastic job and "fast track" career in a big firm (Partnership on the horizon), great daughter and the little girl I always wanted, no material worries, wife who stayed at home and took care of everything. Could drink moderately for years, then more often moderately, then excessively, then dependent upon alcohol daily. As I became sober, and really started to discover who I am, what I want, how I should be treated I am realizing all those things above (except for my daughter) were things others wanted "of" me. Not what I wanted for myself. Something to ponder.
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: US East Coast
Posts: 1,972
[QUOTE=fromashesirise;4557424]what in the heck am I doing this for if everything is fine, fine, fine?! It could have been a perfectly fine day and it probably was, as most are around here; but, alas, I end up in the same situation time and time again. It's like I perceive it to be some kind of reward for being exceptional in other areas of my life.[/lQUOTE]
I can relate to this. I try to identify and address the mental/emotional issues that contribute to my drinking. However, that said, I think in large part it is just a physical craving that I need to learn to ignore.
I can relate to this. I try to identify and address the mental/emotional issues that contribute to my drinking. However, that said, I think in large part it is just a physical craving that I need to learn to ignore.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 138
I also allowed myself to believe that my ability to function meant I couldn't be an alcoholic...despite the fact that I looked forward to getting drunk daily.
I think there are many factors working against our ability to recognize ourselves: a stereotype that is continually reinforced in popular culture of what a "real" alcoholic looks like; a culture that glamorizes and normalizes heavy drinking, including and especially marketing of wine to women; and family members that are in as much denial as we are. My husband, to this day, will not say that I am an alcoholic (in July I will have 2 years).
But I knew the truth. That's all that matters.
And I agree with the earlier poster: once I was sober, I realized I wasn't super mom and wife afterall, I had a lot to work on. Being drunk every night made it easy for me not to see my shortcomings, let alone address them.
The good news: there is a fuller life in sobriety if you work for it, I promise.
I think there are many factors working against our ability to recognize ourselves: a stereotype that is continually reinforced in popular culture of what a "real" alcoholic looks like; a culture that glamorizes and normalizes heavy drinking, including and especially marketing of wine to women; and family members that are in as much denial as we are. My husband, to this day, will not say that I am an alcoholic (in July I will have 2 years).
But I knew the truth. That's all that matters.
And I agree with the earlier poster: once I was sober, I realized I wasn't super mom and wife afterall, I had a lot to work on. Being drunk every night made it easy for me not to see my shortcomings, let alone address them.
The good news: there is a fuller life in sobriety if you work for it, I promise.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Posts: 65
Well said ODat. As I begin my 4th step with my sponsor, I'm sure I am going to come to the realization that I was not all the things I thought I was while drinking so heavily, including being Super Dad.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Maine
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How is that I can be the super mom and housewife, yet also someone who struggles to drink in moderation?
The problem is, there is a threshold that we pass over and there is absolutely nothing to tell us where that is. All that we can do is spot that there's a problem and be well aware that there's some really bad stuff coming down the road. This progresses so quickly. This is well put:
Unfortunately as the disease progresses, the "negative pole" tends to occupy more and more room and the positive is given less and less surface time... this is a sad truth.
You keep doing the same things that you're doing because you're addicted to alcohol. It's all downhill and it only gets worse.
Nip it in the bud now while you still have your family intact.
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