4th step flaws/defects
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 350
4th step flaws/defects
Moved my post to place that seems more appropriate.
I'm struggling with certain components of the 4th step and worry that I'll beat myself up (one flaw of mine might be feeling insecure and wanting approval - possibly due to alcoholic father among other things).
I grew up with family members who pegged me as "the stubborn and lazy one" of the family (they still talk about me that way - one of them said it to my wife and she got a big question mark over her head). To feel less hurt from it, I wore it like a badge. However, with my current recovery I look at that particular judgment as abusive now and not who I am AT ALL. It took both my wife and my counselor and work on my insecurities to realize that I'm not what they say I am. For example, my counselor explained that a person with a PhD just can't be lazy. Plus, I found it interesting that people at work (and friends as well - the supportive ones) comment on how open minded I've always been.
So, how do you conduct an inventory with honesty but don't feel like you're doing precisely what loved ones have done? That is to judge my character.
It's so hard to do this. When I learn to separate person from behavior, aren't I supposed to look at it as the action is "lazy", not the person. Yet, my 4th step seems to suggest that we have inherent flaws that are part of our being. I don't want to be a lazy and stubborn person - it seems synonymous with being inferior. My family have often shoved it down my throat to point out that they should win an argument (you're just being stubborn), or when they want me to do something (you're being lazy like always).
How do you do this honest rigorous work, but not go down the road of intense shame and feeling super low. They say to justify their words "oh, we're just being honest with you - this is who you are" It reminds me of something I read - when people are being "brutally honest" (something my sibling has said often when being critical), it is more about the brutality than the honesty.
I'm struggling with certain components of the 4th step and worry that I'll beat myself up (one flaw of mine might be feeling insecure and wanting approval - possibly due to alcoholic father among other things).
I grew up with family members who pegged me as "the stubborn and lazy one" of the family (they still talk about me that way - one of them said it to my wife and she got a big question mark over her head). To feel less hurt from it, I wore it like a badge. However, with my current recovery I look at that particular judgment as abusive now and not who I am AT ALL. It took both my wife and my counselor and work on my insecurities to realize that I'm not what they say I am. For example, my counselor explained that a person with a PhD just can't be lazy. Plus, I found it interesting that people at work (and friends as well - the supportive ones) comment on how open minded I've always been.
So, how do you conduct an inventory with honesty but don't feel like you're doing precisely what loved ones have done? That is to judge my character.
It's so hard to do this. When I learn to separate person from behavior, aren't I supposed to look at it as the action is "lazy", not the person. Yet, my 4th step seems to suggest that we have inherent flaws that are part of our being. I don't want to be a lazy and stubborn person - it seems synonymous with being inferior. My family have often shoved it down my throat to point out that they should win an argument (you're just being stubborn), or when they want me to do something (you're being lazy like always).
How do you do this honest rigorous work, but not go down the road of intense shame and feeling super low. They say to justify their words "oh, we're just being honest with you - this is who you are" It reminds me of something I read - when people are being "brutally honest" (something my sibling has said often when being critical), it is more about the brutality than the honesty.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Ohio
Posts: 3,785
You may be over thinking it. Try not to turn, twist and analyse.
It is a searching and fearless inventory of ourselves, not what others have said about us or to us.
This is where some rigorous honesty comes in.
It is a searching and fearless inventory of ourselves, not what others have said about us or to us.
This is where some rigorous honesty comes in.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: land of 10,000 lakes
Posts: 261
4th step
All four reply's are straight on.
To put it in a simpler way that helped me years ago.
A sponsor of mine.... An old fart. Told me "if you ever thought about it and it bothered you. write it down."
"resentment is the number one offender". pg 64 bb
"If we were to live, we had to be free of anger." pg 66
Backing up to pg 65 "I am resentful at" becomes clear.
At least it did for me. Keep sharing your struggles and your successes!
You helped me today to remember what is important.
I don't post here often as I have F to F meetings. Come back time to time,
may have to come back more often to learn and share. Thanks for your post!
Blessings to You,
Vinnie
To put it in a simpler way that helped me years ago.
A sponsor of mine.... An old fart. Told me "if you ever thought about it and it bothered you. write it down."
"resentment is the number one offender". pg 64 bb
"If we were to live, we had to be free of anger." pg 66
Backing up to pg 65 "I am resentful at" becomes clear.
At least it did for me. Keep sharing your struggles and your successes!
You helped me today to remember what is important.
I don't post here often as I have F to F meetings. Come back time to time,
may have to come back more often to learn and share. Thanks for your post!
Blessings to You,
Vinnie
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
Well done thotful, for getting onto your fourth step. Your chances of recovery just got a whole lot better.
My 4th was an inventory of my character on the day. The idea, as the book says, is to get to causes and conditions. To search out the falws in our character that caused our failure. I discovered I had many faults, that in fact I was my own worst enemy.
BTW there are only so many faults you can have and most of us have all of them but to varying degrees. But an honest inventory was essential for me to see the truth about myself. I don't mind saying that fear and extreme selfishness were at the route of my troubles, mainly fear that some instinctual need would not be met. When one lives as I did, at an instinctual level, it is very destructive to those around me. I came to see how my selfish behaviour brought so much destruction down upon my head.
It became clear I had to change, but I did not know how.
Later in the program, we are shown how God will help us grow and develop as human beings, and how he will remove or reduce these defects, and turn our liabilities into assetts that we can use to help others.
This is what we call house cleaning. We let go of our old ideas and develop new ones. It's painful, as are most things that are worthwhile. But it's worth it. Your new life of freedom is not far away, about 6 steps as I recall.
My 4th was an inventory of my character on the day. The idea, as the book says, is to get to causes and conditions. To search out the falws in our character that caused our failure. I discovered I had many faults, that in fact I was my own worst enemy.
BTW there are only so many faults you can have and most of us have all of them but to varying degrees. But an honest inventory was essential for me to see the truth about myself. I don't mind saying that fear and extreme selfishness were at the route of my troubles, mainly fear that some instinctual need would not be met. When one lives as I did, at an instinctual level, it is very destructive to those around me. I came to see how my selfish behaviour brought so much destruction down upon my head.
It became clear I had to change, but I did not know how.
Later in the program, we are shown how God will help us grow and develop as human beings, and how he will remove or reduce these defects, and turn our liabilities into assetts that we can use to help others.
This is what we call house cleaning. We let go of our old ideas and develop new ones. It's painful, as are most things that are worthwhile. But it's worth it. Your new life of freedom is not far away, about 6 steps as I recall.
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