newwestdork

My relationship with my wife nearly ended several times as a direct result of my drinking - "quit or I'm gone," she said, and then I continued to drink to extreme excess. I don't remember many of the ultimatums being issued as they were often done when I arrived back at the apartment as a drunken mess.

After I quit, I began to feel an all-encompassing anger and frustration - anger at not being able to drink, at the effects of my drinking on my financial situation and my career, the "unfairness of it all." I wasn't socializing much at this point as a lot of my social life had become centered around drinking and so my wife was the main one to take the brunt of my frustrations, which did nothing to help our relationship at all. Our sex life reached new lows as a result, which compounded my anger and resentment.

I suspect she might have stepped out on me around this time with an ex-boyfriend.

Since my prolonged sobriety we have grown closer, our sex life has improved and I am working on expressing the things that bother me without the anger. The suspicion of infidelity still hurts me deeply but I am thinking that perhaps I should accept some of the blame - looking back at how things were, I am amazed that she decided to stay around at all.

What say you? Things continue to improve and I am thinking that I should just consider our past problems to be yet another negative outcome of my drinking and depression. I would like to continue on in our marriage as she and I are a good match for one another and she is very supportive in general.

zjw

Id like to say leave the past in the past and focus on today. Tho thats probably too simplistic.

I'm in a simlier situation. My wife came close to leaving me a few times. Since sobering up i've heard countless times that I'm not the man she married. I dont know if this is a good thing or a bad thing. Its almost both. I think she liked the happy go lucky seemingly more laid back guy i was when I drank. I also ate whatever I wanted and was not that up tight etc.. Now I've lost tons of weight I'm obsessed with fitness I'm uptight I can never relax and rather then drink away my complaints or gripes I unleash more and get it out rather then hold it in. This is not someone she knows all to well.

I contimplate going back to drinking A lot of people liked me better then But I did not like me better then. I sure wish I could relax however.

I've since discovered my wife can snore like a freight train it drives me nuts But I cannot complain I feel it must be some sort of payback for all the years she tolerated it from me when i was in a drunken stuper Karma is a b**** isnt it?

Shes one heck of a wife she stuck with me. But in my case our sex life is also in the toilet though it was never all that great anyhow.

It can be sobering when you take those drunken goggles off and see what your life has become.

Its amazing our wives stuck by us. That I'm truely thankful for. But I feel you its tough navigateing this little disaster we have made.

I wish I had better advice But I think I know a little bit about where your coming from.

zjw

As far as the infidelity. Im not sure. I think there is going to be a time and a place for you to address that matter. Be wise about it. I dont think you want to trash your marriage but iI dont think you want to carry that pain around either.

At least in my case thats how I handled it. I sat on an issue like that with my wife for I dunno 10 years before I dumped it on her. I couldnt take the pain any longer and I think it took that long for her to be in a place where she would agree with me that what she did was wrong and she was sorry for it etc..

Climber122

Have you considered seeing a marriage counselor to help the two of you sort out these issues? Sounds like a lot of problems on both sides, which is normally what happens to relationships soaked in alcohol - I know - mine didn't make it. The flip side is that after a few years of AA and building a sober life I met the love of my life and all's well, but I still have no illusions that sobriety is the foundation of all that I've been blessed with...

So really take your sobriety seriously - look into what you can do to not only "not drink", but to actually improve your life. Abstaining from alcohol is a starting point, but it sounds like you are seeing how life REALLY is now, and that's actually good. But if you don't address what's broken - especially any resentments you have against your wife for alleged infidelity - your sobriety could be in danger.

You might absolutely shock her by suggesting counseling - just put it on you: "Darlin', since I've gotten sober I have seen how I was living didn't work very well for us and I'd like to see if we can sort it out with a counselor if that's okay with you - what do you think?" Or something to that effect...

robgt350

New

yea i was in same situtation as you. yea i caused alot of damage to my marriage, family, money and career. but sounds like she is giving you a second chance in a way. if she is going to leave you then she is going to leave you. sorry to say. but i would take the time to repair your self and stay sober. i think she will see this and hopefully come to terms with that and stay with you. i think we as alcoholics try to repair our marriages or friends first and never focus on our selfs first to become clean and sober. and we think our marriages have been repaired and we continue to drink. i think you should give her space and allow her to heal and discover her inner feelings and wants.

good luck Bro

jdooner

Trust is really at the heart of what you are asking about with a marriage. Not whether she has sex or "stepped out" as you put it. I mean you stepped out on her by being an absent drunk during the marriage I would guess - no judgment I was there too and did worse. That said, the stepping out is about your ego - let go and let you HP deal with this.

YOu mention prolonged sobriety - curious how long is that? I am guessing you drank for a while so give things time. don't focus on her but focus on you - get your side of the Street clean and I promise you will gain clarity. Clarity that themarriage will work or won't work but at least you will be sober to make real decisions based on this clarity.

Mountainmanbob

yes -- the wreckage of our past still haunts us at times
maybe it's just a good reminder
reminding us of where we wish not to ever return

we need to let the past go and be grateful for our gifts today
we still have our wife's in our lives
I consider that a blessing

maybe today and in the past they were not perfect
but
as I (we) look into the mirror I at times can see real imperfection (still)

a work in progress -- all of us

MM

Music

You sound like you're on the right track. My wife and I have been married over 51 years. We both sobered up in the 70s with the help of our sponsors, and some counselling, both individual, couples and family. We're still together not because we have to be, but because over the years we've learned to be honest with each other, yet not to the point of bringing up every little personal detail about what we did and when, or with whom. We've learned through the working of the AA steps, to make our amends, except when to do so would injure them or others, and sometimes that means we keep things that may hurt each other to ourselves and just learn to live with it. Of course, I've never forgotten the things I did when I was drinking but the more time passes, the easier it is not to be totally consumed by the regret. Like the promise says, "We'll not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it." Remembering the past has some rewards. I remember how much I don't want to go back there, by remembering how much I and others hurt while I was there. Hang in there. Just love each other and keep your nose clean.

freetosmile

Feeling on the verge of divorce here. Not too many days into sobriety here, but we're working on it. Feels like every drunken argument we have just throws more wreckage to the pile that we have to sort through later. We are in marriage counseling and it has been a God sent. I HIGHLY recommend it. I have been able to recognize patterns in my self that I never knew I had. But regardless of how much it has helped, the drinking sabotages everything we gain.

My husband was/is very sure that I was unfaithful during a heavy period of drinking for him. He is still uncertain. It just is going to take time. I think he thinks I was so disappointed in him that I needed the arms of someone else. Be careful before concluding in your mind what you think the truth is. Good luck and I highly recommend marriage counseling...it has done wonders for our marriage