Dating sober
 

It's a long story, but my husband agreed it would be okay if I dated a bit here and there, as long as there was no sex involved.

I am a bit nervous on going out on dates sober - I have very rarely dated in my 20s without drinking (and I am on my late 30s now).

Any advice on dating sober?

With all do respect FT - your a week sober and going to throw a major variable into the mix. To me this would only further complicate things and I am not really sure the purpose of the dating. If there is no sex involved and you are already married, what is the purpose of the dating?

If you are trying to find companionship to goto the movies or develop hobbies, why not look at focusing on the hobbies and meeting people you have common interests with?

Seems like sabotage to me.

I expect this is going to be one of those red hot threads....

I'm going to completely put aside the fact you're married, cos that's none of my business.

I agree with Jdooner tho - dating is a minefield at the best of times, dating at one week sober?

I wouldn't recommend to anyone FT. You've worked really really hard for this week, and really really hard to get back on the horse.

Don't blow it.

D

Yes, be sober a year before you do it. Or longer if you have complications, like a husband.

Find sober stuff to do with your "girl" friends.

Perhaps in a way, I am looked into being talked out of it - not sure. I am also not sure if I can be talked out of it.

:a213:

Maybe concentrate on yourself instead of looking to someone else....our first sober months we are vulnerable...

Instead of dating someone new.....get to know the new you...?

Ll x

In order to achieve a healthy, happy, honest
life in recovery is to work some sort of recovery
program thoroughly to clear away the clutter
from the past. Work threw issues from the past.
Those heavy crosses we have carried on our
shoulders for so long.

Question....why would a husband or wife,
someone in a committed relationship say
that it is okay to date someone else?

If that person was taking care of my heart
then I wouldn't need to search outside of
that marriage or relationship to get what
Im lacking in that one.

My own heart was not being taken care
of by my own spouse and thus sought love,
affection, care elsewhere, which was totally
dishonest.

Many yrs. later and with continued progress
in my own recovery, I finally became totally
honest in all my affairs and the gift of FREEDOM
has arrived.

That to me is one of the Ultimate GIFTS I
could possibly achieve and recieve in sobriety.

Openmindedness Willingness Honesty

When I was active, I drank and used because I was not comfortable in my own skin. I needed substances to be present in my life. When I was sober then I would live in the past or the future - figity if you will. Had to have some fix to focus on - Amazon's 1 Click club to pacify, new car. Then 5PM would come along and I would move to my next fix. My life was a series of fixes, addictions. These hungry ghosts could not be fed though. I also could not love anyone around me bc I did not love myself, I hated myself, which is why I needed to pacify myself in order to be still.

So part of this process, most of this process has been learning to be me. Learning to live within my skin and live in the moment, soberly. This is not easy.

Dating, one night stands, they are all exciting and addictions. I think of my addictions as a merry go round and when I stop one the next one spins around. I think this might be what is happening for you FT. It really has nothing to do with the date, with your husband, with your family...you just took away your coping mechanism and now you need a new one. The problem is you are trading one addiction for the next and it will only serve to lead you back to the last.

You have to be willing to change, really change. I agree finding a hobby or interest is important - have you thought about writing? From your posts, I can tell there has to be a good story in FT's life...I mean you have some of the most controversial and provocative posts - Chelsey Handler seems to come to mind (hope this is not taken as an offense). Write a book? I would never suggest scapbooking to you - lol! How about physical exercise too? Triathlons or a couch to 5K? Tough Mudders?

Free - ummmm.....wha....what ?!?!

Look, open marriage or not, how about you take the energy you would be putting into "dating" and turn it inward toward your healing ? That, to me , would be the best use of your time.

And then, whatever is left over, focus on your children.

Yowza. :/

AO. I know, it's a hard thing to swallow. Thank God this board is anonymous.

Alright I have to unzip my mouth for just a second. What kind of dudes are you going to find that want to date a MARRIED mother of small children, but wait they can't have sex with you. What's the point? Sounds a bit objectifying of these potential new "boyfriends".

I absolutely agree with JD. You are pulling a typical addict behavior, bouncing around from thing to thing just so you don't have to address the insatiably hungry ghosts.

Early in my sobriety, I was almost manic in my attempt to focus on ANYTHING but the work that needed to be done. I didn't want to roll up my sleeves and take full responsibility for the mess *I* had made as a result of my addiction, depression and self absorption.

But, the only way out is through.

Starting a new relationship is just another way you can keep the veil over your eyes.

You already have the perfect family. A husband who seemingly adores you, financially set, you get stay home and raise your children (or not, I imagine, should you so choose to go back to work).

It's time you pull up your big girl panties and recognize your gifts.

My advice, knock off the spoiled princess act and dig deeper. There's one hell of a broad underneath all this nonsense and shenanigans.

JD - I will wholly admit I am trying to fill something that is missing. You have given me a lot to think about, thank you. And I take the Chelsea Handler comment as a compliment!


I agree it is objectifying in a way. I guess I am also thinking that eventually my husband will change his mind on the sex thing. I won't go into detail because it is probably not appropriate here, but we are both pretty 'out there'.

I should also mention we were separated twice. The second time I dated. He didn't seem upset by this at all. I guess our marriage is not typical, it's hard to explain.

LOL, is that how this comes across? Spoiled princess? I am genuinely asking.

I suppose the common theme here is I am trying not to deal with myself and hopping from one thing to another.

Alpha that Robert Frost quote is how I'm currently living my life, and amazing things happen!
"The best way OUT is always THROUGH"

Yep. It sure as hell does. You want your cake and to eat it too.

I'm no marriage counselor, but I'm a big believer in sh1ting or getting off the pot. Why fool around with all of this ? Dating is exhausting, at best. If you don't want to b married anymore, great, fine. But I find it hard to believe you just want companionship (?). That's what girlfriends are for. Put an attractive woman, who's husband had permitted her to date, and that's just a recipe for casual sex (blech).

There's a scared temple in there you have forgotten about. And no amount of attention, from men, is going to satiate what it is you are seeking.

The way back to yourself.

OK, I get it. I really do and appreciate all the honest advice.

Even hearing what the 'right' thing is, I am not sure what I will decide in the end. Just being honest.

I should also add, I feel slightly manic right now on my new combo of antidepressants.

I commend you for your beautiful and raw honesty. Sometime I get these seemingly "brilliant" ideas, that are so freaking out there, and I fearlessly put it out there for the exact same reason. Clarity.

And I oftentimes do NOT like the responses.

But...

Your brain is bouncing all over the place. No booze. New meds. Therapy.

This is self sabotage at it's finest. Take dating, add some passion, a little guilt and shame and BOOM !!! My bet is you are drinking 5 minutes into that date.

Now back away. From yourself. ;)

Look into one of the addactions I enjoy .

Exercise , mental or psysical

Exercise is as powerful as heroin , according to things I have read .

It's my go to addaction .

IMO -don't drag an innocent person into drama , not fair to them
Not healthy for you either .