Dating sober
Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah.
Join Date: Aug 2011
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Member
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Posts: 10,912
Freethinking - a bit different perspective... I'm confused about the term "dating" here. Is it that you would like to make new friends in the 3D world? If so, I think it may be a good idea if you were a lone home drinker mainly and felt isolated for a long time. That was definitely my case and I find sober socializing and shared activities more helpful than most other recovery methods for me. What you have described: not sure why you call that dating??
Poison Eater Extraordinaire
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: East Coast, USA
Posts: 1,031
It's like the part of 'me' that tells me to drink is telling me to date and that it's okay. That it will ALL be okay. It's very luring. A part of me is scared NOT to do it, because I am afraid that same part of me will start telling me to drink again instead, which I do not want to get back to.
While there was a part of me that posted this to probably be talked out of it, there was also a genuine question there with "how" to date sober. I suppose because if I go forward, I want to make sure I can do it without drinking. Right now, that is my apprehension - I don't want it to involve drinking or lead to drinking.
While there was a part of me that posted this to probably be talked out of it, there was also a genuine question there with "how" to date sober. I suppose because if I go forward, I want to make sure I can do it without drinking. Right now, that is my apprehension - I don't want it to involve drinking or lead to drinking.
Poison Eater Extraordinaire
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: East Coast, USA
Posts: 1,031
Originally Posted by haennie 
Freethinking - a bit different perspective... I'm confused about the term "dating" here. Is it that you would like to make new friends in the 3D world? If so, I think it may be a good idea if you were a lone home drinker mainly and felt isolated for a long time. That was definitely my case and I find sober socializing and shared activities more helpful than most other recovery methods for me. What you have described: not sure why you call that dating??
I guess I would call it dating because it is with the opposite sex, I don't know.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
You may be running ahead waaaay too far. Why not address the dating issue later - perhaps even just thinking about it might distract you from more pressing issues of the here and now... I do hold my view that getting out and meeting new people can be helpful, just like we do virtually here and people do in AA. Perhaps this thinking about dating now is a sort of manifestation of fears... you may be afraid of dealing with more acute issues and abstinence itself so you run to a topic that perhaps feels a bit more familiar and comfortable? Just some ideas... I definitely tend to do the above (distraction) driven by anxieties.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: US
Posts: 556
Give yourself more time. You are looking for a solution to a problem that you haven't even fully defined, but you will as you get more sober time.
What you see as a solution at week 1 will change VASTLY in the next six months to a year. Allow that to happen before you jump into the next destabilizing escape. I like what AO said: back away from yourself. Good advice for all of us in early sobriety. Ironically, I think that's the path to actually getting to know yourself.
What you see as a solution at week 1 will change VASTLY in the next six months to a year. Allow that to happen before you jump into the next destabilizing escape. I like what AO said: back away from yourself. Good advice for all of us in early sobriety. Ironically, I think that's the path to actually getting to know yourself.
Poison Eater Extraordinaire
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: East Coast, USA
Posts: 1,031
Originally Posted by haennie
You may be running ahead waaaay too far. Why not address the dating issue later - perhaps even just thinking about it might distract you from more pressing issues of the here and now... I do hold my view that getting out and meeting new people can be helpful, just like we do virtually here and people do in AA. Perhaps this thinking about dating now is a sort of manifestation of fears... you may be afraid of dealing with more acute issues and abstinence itself so you run to a topic that perhaps feels a bit more familiar and comfortable? Just some ideas... I definitely tend to do the above (distraction) driven by anxieties.
I have met some great people on meetup.com. Maybe I will try joining a new group.
As I said, I was mainly an at home drinker. A few weeks ago, I just told my husband I was finally going out to a bar and left. I became a totally different person. Maybe there's nothing sadder than a 37 year old mother of three in a bar acting like she's 25 - but that's how I felt - 25. My marriage didn't exist, my kids didn't exist...for a few hours, it was all about me. It opened a can of worms.
Poison Eater Extraordinaire
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: East Coast, USA
Posts: 1,031
I guess another thing that is going on in my head is - do I have to be THAT good of a person, sober? I mean, there are plenty of sober people who have a less than stellar side to themselves. Can't I just be that sober person who isn't perfect? I see them all around me.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
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Originally Posted by freethinking
Maybe there's nothing sadder than a 37 year old mother of three in a bar acting like she's 25 - but that's how I felt - 25. My marriage didn't exist, my kids didn't exist...for a few hours, it was all about me. It opened a can of worms.
Rather, it should be embraced.
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
Being a swinger or not is unimportant. Swingers can be sober too. Its still a free world with free choices. Judging morals is a personal choice that people make or don't make. Having said that, early recovery from active addiction is not anything to play around with. It doesn't matter what your husband agrees too or doesn't agree too in your marriage with respect to YOUR addiction and recovery. Getting green-lighted isn't the point.
Its more important to understand what you need, and if what you need is to risk the sabotage or at least overly complicate YOUR recovery, by seeking feel-good options, then the results will eventually reflect what work your putting into your recovery, imo.
Methinks this early in your recovery, such freedoms as "dating" will cause you to return to drinking almost immediately. This kind of dating is obviously not knew to you, and this is important that you have already been there and done that - and yet you only have a week of recovery.
The writing on the wall is there may be no workable journey to date and not drink as yet. Give it more time, become a person who doesn't need to ask others if its good for you to date or not. Just in the asking you reveal how unsure you are. There is not trick for you to learn about how to stay sober when dating. Dating is just another choice in your life. You'll have so many more choices to make on so many other things too as your journey continues. Give yourself the time to make the best choices.
Take care of YOU.
Its more important to understand what you need, and if what you need is to risk the sabotage or at least overly complicate YOUR recovery, by seeking feel-good options, then the results will eventually reflect what work your putting into your recovery, imo.
Methinks this early in your recovery, such freedoms as "dating" will cause you to return to drinking almost immediately. This kind of dating is obviously not knew to you, and this is important that you have already been there and done that - and yet you only have a week of recovery.
The writing on the wall is there may be no workable journey to date and not drink as yet. Give it more time, become a person who doesn't need to ask others if its good for you to date or not. Just in the asking you reveal how unsure you are. There is not trick for you to learn about how to stay sober when dating. Dating is just another choice in your life. You'll have so many more choices to make on so many other things too as your journey continues. Give yourself the time to make the best choices.
Take care of YOU.
Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah.
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,887
Originally Posted by freethinking
I guess another thing that is going on in my head is - do I have to be THAT good of a person, sober? I mean, there are plenty of sober people who have a less than stellar side to themselves. Can't I just be that sober person who isn't perfect? I see them all around me.
And from what you have said so far - you aren't looking to "swing". You are seeking to date. How your husband is ok with you having an emotional relationship with men is almost more frightening than the physical aspect.
You have dated before and he was ok with that. Because that's what you wanted ? Or because he just didn't give a care ?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3,359
Your in a really scary place, I think. Its the limbo of not wanting to die but also not wanting to live (Brian wrote this on here). Wanting to be sober but not wanting or knowing how to live a sober life. Like I have said you have been driving at 150MPH - you knew you could not maintain that speed forever. So as you apply the brakes and bring it to 65MPH life feels "boring." So the knee jerk reaction is to add things to boost the speed, dating, sex, gambling, food, exercise, work, religion, recovery programs. Some of these are healthy and some not so much. If any are compulsive then they are not healthy - all of them.
Relying on outside substances or behaviors to satisfy what is naturally lacking inside in my opinion will always lead you back to the same place, which based on your posts was pretty awful - mine too.
My therapist provided a great metaphor. Its like your on this plane and your flying into the side of the mountain. You have all these people telling you to jump that the parachute will open but for me I could not believe. I knew I would die if I stayed on but I also knew I was scare sh!tless about skydiving. So I spent five or six months with my legs dangling out of the plane before I jumped and trusted this process.
Some never gain that trust and the perish on that plane. I hope you jump and dig into your recovery...it will open. You deserve a great life. Your kids deserve a great life. I know there is a great story and person on the other side of this computer - your username says it all.
Relying on outside substances or behaviors to satisfy what is naturally lacking inside in my opinion will always lead you back to the same place, which based on your posts was pretty awful - mine too.
My therapist provided a great metaphor. Its like your on this plane and your flying into the side of the mountain. You have all these people telling you to jump that the parachute will open but for me I could not believe. I knew I would die if I stayed on but I also knew I was scare sh!tless about skydiving. So I spent five or six months with my legs dangling out of the plane before I jumped and trusted this process.
Some never gain that trust and the perish on that plane. I hope you jump and dig into your recovery...it will open. You deserve a great life. Your kids deserve a great life. I know there is a great story and person on the other side of this computer - your username says it all.
Poison Eater Extraordinaire
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: East Coast, USA
Posts: 1,031
Originally Posted by alphaomega
I think you need to clarify what this means TOO YOU.
And from what you have said so far - you aren't looking to "swing". You are seeking to date. How your husband is ok with you having an emotional relationship with men is almost more frightening than the physical aspect.
You have dated before and he was ok with that. Because that's what you wanted ? Or because he just didn't give a care ?
And from what you have said so far - you aren't looking to "swing". You are seeking to date. How your husband is ok with you having an emotional relationship with men is almost more frightening than the physical aspect.
You have dated before and he was ok with that. Because that's what you wanted ? Or because he just didn't give a care ?
I am not totally sure what he is thinking. I do think he cares, but as a couple we have always been a bit off the beaten path. I think he knows I would never leave him or the kids.
Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah.
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,887
Originally Posted by freethinking
Maybe I am looking to swing, I don't know after this extent this thread has got me thinking.
I am not totally sure what he is thinking. I do think he cares, but as a couple we have always been a bit off the beaten path. I think he knows I would never leave him or the kids.
I am not totally sure what he is thinking. I do think he cares, but as a couple we have always been a bit off the beaten path. I think he knows I would never leave him or the kids.
This is your addiction screaming at you for acknowledgement.
If I can't be all "wild child" slugging wild turkey with the football team, then I'm going to atleast play with the football team.
Damn it !!!
Poison Eater Extraordinaire
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: East Coast, USA
Posts: 1,031
Originally Posted by alphaomega
.
If I can't be all "wild child" slugging wild turkey with the football team, then I'm going to atleast play with the football team.
If I can't be all "wild child" slugging wild turkey with the football team, then I'm going to atleast play with the football team.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,238
"As I said, I was mainly an at home drinker.
A few weeks ago, I just told my husband I
was finally going out to a bar and left. I became
a totally different person. Maybe there's
nothing sadder than a 37 year old mother
of three in a bar acting like she's 25 - but
that's how I felt - 25. My marriage didn't
exist, my kids didn't exist...for a few hours,
it was all about me. It opened a can of worms."
This is exactly how I was living my life, 8yrs.
married, taking care of my babies, day in and
day out, which I did well and didn't mind, but
soon I wanted to be around others who enjoyed
drinking, having fun, exciting, cutting up, escape
motherhood for a little while......
Then my sister-in-law invited me for the
first time for a girls night out and that
was my ticket out of the house. Soon I
began using that excuse to go to clubs
to enjoy music which eventually became
more of a lie, because there was more
than music I wanted.
The excitement of preparing for my night
out. Looking forward to a special lady's night
at the end of the week. Soon, I was getting
my babies to bed on time leaving my spouse
alone with them so I could go out and relax
as I would say.
Everything and everyone was well taken care of
before I left for the night so I wouldn't worry. I
had my high heel shoes tucked away under the
car seat, my purse filled with nice perfume, lipstick,
ready to make a stop along the way to look
nice. Why didn't I do that before I left home....
well....I was just to be a mom going for a
little while to a club by myself, married, so
I didn't need to let family know I was going
to look to be with anyone else. Sooooooo
deceiving, soooo wrong, sooooo not right....
Yet, in my addiction, I was looking for things
in my sick mind to make me happy, to fill in
the void of lonliness.....I wanted to attract others,
not just be a mom and wife living at home.
I had a distorted view of what life was to be.
Alcohol and drugs really plays a number on
our minds and bodies.
Going out with my cup filled with wine, getting
a buzz, feeling perfect....I stopped at a church
parking lot to change and fix my hair and face
before heading to the club. It's misting a bit,
so Im geeted halfway by a good looking guy
at the door with an umbrella as I tiptoe in my
high heels thru the water. WOW, do I feel
special.....
A night of good music I case the room eyeing
up the good looking guys....stare down the
musician...dance with Santa if its Christmastime,
go outside to the steps, my car to have sex,
ride off with strangers to have sex, then realize
it's 1am or 2am and im late going home or wishing
I didn have to leave the warmth of a bed.....
In a fog im racing some car in the wee hours,
stopping off the side of the road to find out
its not who I want to be left alone with.....the
craziness, the insanity.....I get home and have
one of many arguments to be with my spouse....
Hangovers.....no more.....then it wears off
and im looking forward to going out in the
next week. Crazy.....addiction....red flags...
Do I care....not when im in the middle of
my addiction.
Then Feb. 1990, I was coming home in the
wee hours once again, nervous, then ran thru
some construction less than a mile away from
my home when my front wheel hit a 2 ft notch
cut out in the road sending my car off the road
hitting a concrete culvert sitting on top the ground.
A deaf man saw what had happened and called
EMS where I was cut out of the car and transported
to the hospital, which I don't recall none of that
happening. My family was called and met me at
the hospital where I spent 10 day with them removing
my puncture spleen so I wouldn't bleed to death,
removing fluid from my puncture lung, numerous
broken ribs, contusions, broken bones, lacerations....
I was definitely a mess.
Yes, I did a number on my little family.
Did that stop me from ever drinking again? Hell
no..!!!! It took me about 3 months to heal nicely
without drinking while on pain meds, but once
there was no more pain to worry about, I thought
I could drink successfully again.
August 1990, im right back at the club, right
back to coming home late. Right back to another
arguement. then this time I tried to end my miserable
failure of a life and intervention took place.
All that was 23 yrs. ago.
Do I know what would happen to me if I ever
pick up a drink today? YES.....i'll pick up right
where I left off 23 yrs ago, but there no guarantee
that I will make it back to the rooms of recovery
tho. Soooooooo.....
I am pretty sure I will not drink today with
the help and guidance of my recovery program
Ive built my life upon and Faith in the Man
upstairs.
A few weeks ago, I just told my husband I
was finally going out to a bar and left. I became
a totally different person. Maybe there's
nothing sadder than a 37 year old mother
of three in a bar acting like she's 25 - but
that's how I felt - 25. My marriage didn't
exist, my kids didn't exist...for a few hours,
it was all about me. It opened a can of worms."
This is exactly how I was living my life, 8yrs.
married, taking care of my babies, day in and
day out, which I did well and didn't mind, but
soon I wanted to be around others who enjoyed
drinking, having fun, exciting, cutting up, escape
motherhood for a little while......
Then my sister-in-law invited me for the
first time for a girls night out and that
was my ticket out of the house. Soon I
began using that excuse to go to clubs
to enjoy music which eventually became
more of a lie, because there was more
than music I wanted.
The excitement of preparing for my night
out. Looking forward to a special lady's night
at the end of the week. Soon, I was getting
my babies to bed on time leaving my spouse
alone with them so I could go out and relax
as I would say.
Everything and everyone was well taken care of
before I left for the night so I wouldn't worry. I
had my high heel shoes tucked away under the
car seat, my purse filled with nice perfume, lipstick,
ready to make a stop along the way to look
nice. Why didn't I do that before I left home....
well....I was just to be a mom going for a
little while to a club by myself, married, so
I didn't need to let family know I was going
to look to be with anyone else. Sooooooo
deceiving, soooo wrong, sooooo not right....
Yet, in my addiction, I was looking for things
in my sick mind to make me happy, to fill in
the void of lonliness.....I wanted to attract others,
not just be a mom and wife living at home.
I had a distorted view of what life was to be.
Alcohol and drugs really plays a number on
our minds and bodies.
Going out with my cup filled with wine, getting
a buzz, feeling perfect....I stopped at a church
parking lot to change and fix my hair and face
before heading to the club. It's misting a bit,
so Im geeted halfway by a good looking guy
at the door with an umbrella as I tiptoe in my
high heels thru the water. WOW, do I feel
special.....
A night of good music I case the room eyeing
up the good looking guys....stare down the
musician...dance with Santa if its Christmastime,
go outside to the steps, my car to have sex,
ride off with strangers to have sex, then realize
it's 1am or 2am and im late going home or wishing
I didn have to leave the warmth of a bed.....
In a fog im racing some car in the wee hours,
stopping off the side of the road to find out
its not who I want to be left alone with.....the
craziness, the insanity.....I get home and have
one of many arguments to be with my spouse....
Hangovers.....no more.....then it wears off
and im looking forward to going out in the
next week. Crazy.....addiction....red flags...
Do I care....not when im in the middle of
my addiction.
Then Feb. 1990, I was coming home in the
wee hours once again, nervous, then ran thru
some construction less than a mile away from
my home when my front wheel hit a 2 ft notch
cut out in the road sending my car off the road
hitting a concrete culvert sitting on top the ground.
A deaf man saw what had happened and called
EMS where I was cut out of the car and transported
to the hospital, which I don't recall none of that
happening. My family was called and met me at
the hospital where I spent 10 day with them removing
my puncture spleen so I wouldn't bleed to death,
removing fluid from my puncture lung, numerous
broken ribs, contusions, broken bones, lacerations....
I was definitely a mess.
Yes, I did a number on my little family.
Did that stop me from ever drinking again? Hell
no..!!!! It took me about 3 months to heal nicely
without drinking while on pain meds, but once
there was no more pain to worry about, I thought
I could drink successfully again.
August 1990, im right back at the club, right
back to coming home late. Right back to another
arguement. then this time I tried to end my miserable
failure of a life and intervention took place.
All that was 23 yrs. ago.
Do I know what would happen to me if I ever
pick up a drink today? YES.....i'll pick up right
where I left off 23 yrs ago, but there no guarantee
that I will make it back to the rooms of recovery
tho. Soooooooo.....
I am pretty sure I will not drink today with
the help and guidance of my recovery program
Ive built my life upon and Faith in the Man
upstairs.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Central Massachusetts
Posts: 2,051
Originally Posted by freethinking
Maybe I am looking to swing, I don't know after this extent this thread has got me thinking. I am not totally sure what he is thinking. I do think he cares, but as a couple we have always been a bit off the beaten path. I think he knows I would never leave him or the kids.
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