What did drinking do to your marriage?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: British columbia
Posts: 128
What did drinking do to your marriage?
I am a horrible drunk and I don't know why. It turns me into a crazy mean bitch. I do have some negativity when I'm sober but I never let it get like when I'm black out drunk. We'll this weekend I got very drunk and was really mean to my husband. He does things that **** me off that I shrug off usually but when I'm drunk I just have to tell him every little thing that's ****** about him. He told me the next morning he was really hurt and we made up but I really don't want to drink again because I just can't control myself and now I'm scared I might loose him. Does anyone else do this? Were they able to make it better with their spouse?
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
I made a lot of really poor decisions when I was drinking, and many of them caused problems with my marriage. I was fortunately able to stop drinking before i lost it, but it's taken time to repair those wounds. Some still haven't fully healed even years later, but even as such I'm sure i wouldn't be married any more if I would have still been drinking.
Look at it this way - if you quit drinking, you have a chance to make things better. If you keep drinking things are guaranteed to get worse. The only question is how bad and how soon.
Look at it this way - if you quit drinking, you have a chance to make things better. If you keep drinking things are guaranteed to get worse. The only question is how bad and how soon.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Ohio
Posts: 3,785
I did.
I was married twice and both were alcoholics. I was divorced twice too.
I did the same thing when I was drunk. I accused them of being drunks and love to point out all the things they were doing wrong and never looked at myself in the mirror.
My first husband literally drank himself to death. I was not able to make a living amends. I have written it out and plan to go to his grave when the weather breaks.
My second is drinking himself to death but is not there yet. I have tried to make amends to him but he is always drunk and no matter what I say he comes back with "that's okay, I still love you, can we get back together". I pray he gets help before it is to late and I have to make amends at his graveside as well.
The only way I was able to make any relationship better was to first get myself better. Once I got some sober time in and worked the steps I was able to get to step 8 and 9 and make amends to the people I had harmed. It is not just saying I am sorry, it is about making it whole again and sometimes a living amends is how we do that.
My husbands, my kids and my mother heard "sorry" a lot from me but I made no changes to keep the promises, I just did it again and said sorry again. I continued to hurt them.
Now not only do I stick to my promises but my day to day actions and reactions no longer hurt others. I still get mad but today I can express my anger better, not great, but better.
The first step for me was to stop doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. I had to stop drinking before anything was going to change.
I was married twice and both were alcoholics. I was divorced twice too.
I did the same thing when I was drunk. I accused them of being drunks and love to point out all the things they were doing wrong and never looked at myself in the mirror.
My first husband literally drank himself to death. I was not able to make a living amends. I have written it out and plan to go to his grave when the weather breaks.
My second is drinking himself to death but is not there yet. I have tried to make amends to him but he is always drunk and no matter what I say he comes back with "that's okay, I still love you, can we get back together". I pray he gets help before it is to late and I have to make amends at his graveside as well.
The only way I was able to make any relationship better was to first get myself better. Once I got some sober time in and worked the steps I was able to get to step 8 and 9 and make amends to the people I had harmed. It is not just saying I am sorry, it is about making it whole again and sometimes a living amends is how we do that.
My husbands, my kids and my mother heard "sorry" a lot from me but I made no changes to keep the promises, I just did it again and said sorry again. I continued to hurt them.
Now not only do I stick to my promises but my day to day actions and reactions no longer hurt others. I still get mad but today I can express my anger better, not great, but better.
The first step for me was to stop doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. I had to stop drinking before anything was going to change.
It wasn't the drinking that did us in. 
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Southern California
Posts: 120
It very nearly ended mine before it even started. Several ultimatums were issued to "stop or I leave" and with good cause. Constant fights due to incredibly poor behaviour on my part - in retrospect, I'm amazed she stayed at all, even before the point of the ultimatums.
She was the one who took me to AA the first time and I'm very happy she did - there was no way I was going to go on my own. I think I really owe her my sobriety.
Things have improved greatly since I have quit. You can make it right, but you have to "show not tell" - if your spouse is anything like mine, he's probably heard the "I'll quit" speech countless times before.
She was the one who took me to AA the first time and I'm very happy she did - there was no way I was going to go on my own. I think I really owe her my sobriety.
Things have improved greatly since I have quit. You can make it right, but you have to "show not tell" - if your spouse is anything like mine, he's probably heard the "I'll quit" speech countless times before.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Australia
Posts: 385
Mine got destroyed. No going back there ever, even in my head, too much pain.
I like that you are determined to work on it Queen. Marriage requires compromise and alcohol can make us very uncompromising sometimes. We may only be married once or twice in our lives, don't leave anything behind that you can beat yourself up for.
I like that you are determined to work on it Queen. Marriage requires compromise and alcohol can make us very uncompromising sometimes. We may only be married once or twice in our lives, don't leave anything behind that you can beat yourself up for.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,531
Hi queen. I'm glad you're here to talk it over. 
I had to stop because I never knew who I'd turn into once it was in my system. It made me someone I didn't recognize. People would tell me things I said and I never believed them. I got tired of being out of control, having to apologize, picking up the pieces after a terrible night. There was a happy ending for me - but only because I stopped 6 yrs ago. You can do it.
I had to stop because I never knew who I'd turn into once it was in my system. It made me someone I didn't recognize. People would tell me things I said and I never believed them. I got tired of being out of control, having to apologize, picking up the pieces after a terrible night. There was a happy ending for me - but only because I stopped 6 yrs ago. You can do it.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: London, ON
Posts: 114
Not married, but about to be reaching 5 years with my very first GF. I say 5 years cautiously because there is a 1 month discontinuity thanks to my drinking. I don't remember it, but my drunken alter ego had some choice words for my GF who reminded me I had to stop and that I had to choose between her and alcohol.
It kills me because I liked to set myself apart from my hedonist friends who bounce from hookup to hookup. Now my 5 year will be a lie.
It kills me because I liked to set myself apart from my hedonist friends who bounce from hookup to hookup. Now my 5 year will be a lie.
Guest
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 480
Damn near ended it. Can't say I blame her either. Drinking turned into a person I don't want to be. Luckily, I never have to pick up that first drink again.
After many trial and errors I have realized this. It's always that first drink. For us alcoholics it will never "be better next time" "moderation worked pretty well!" Or " I have a problem but it's under control"
Marriage is just one of the FEW things alcohol almost took (permanently) from me.
After many trial and errors I have realized this. It's always that first drink. For us alcoholics it will never "be better next time" "moderation worked pretty well!" Or " I have a problem but it's under control"
Marriage is just one of the FEW things alcohol almost took (permanently) from me.
No quitting on yer quit eh!
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Alberta, Canada
Posts: 3,870
I didn't lose my marriage, I can only thank God that my wife's faith kept her by my side! However, I did lose something almost as important, her trust in me.....I know I can never regain it completely as she knows as well as me that I'm just one drink away from becoming a drunk again. So once again, I have to rely on her faith and prayers until I can prove to her that I am recovering, one day at a time....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: British columbia
Posts: 128
Thanks everyone!! Your all so wonderful I had a good talk with him today and we are good he told me were never drinking again ( he still can drink he's fine just with me he won't drink and I don't blame him!) I know I can be sober and happy I went 9 months while pregnant and i was so much more happy then when I do drink even if I was pregnant lol day 1 starts now
I had a good talk with him today and we are good he told me were never drinking again ( he still can drink he's fine just with me he won't drink and I don't blame him!) I know I can be sober and happy I went 9 months while pregnant and i was so much more happy then when I do drink even if I was pregnant lol day 1 starts now Sober Today
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 779
We both drink so at times a blast and at others a disaster. I was drinking relatively heavily even 16 years ago when we married so I've never been much of a wife. Our marriage is, at times, an empty shell. Mostly we are co-dependant but we do love each other. We are going to try marriage counseling with one of my addiction counselors. We've been *this* close to divorce twice are on the brink currently but I'm holding off on any final decisions until I'm sober for at least a year.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,236
We were 8 yrs. married when I entered
a 28 day in rehab stay that saved my life.
Our marriage continued on for 25 yrs.
with about 20 yrs sobriety when it ended
upon agreement and peaceful.
There are marriages that last or successful
because both are working and living a
recovery life together, communicating,
understanding with love and respect
for each other.
When one entered recovery like I did,
I grew and changed without the dependence
of a controlled substance in my everyday
life. Family, didn't understand how extremely
important living this life for me had to be
in order to not return to the drink. Even tho
they were supportive of my recovery, they
still couldn't grasp the concept of living and
incorporating recovery in our family because
they were not the sick ones dealing with
addiction.
So, lack of understanding and communication
was the ultimate culprit of an unbalanced
family and marriage.
Today we are both remarried. For me,
life in recovery is healthier, happier and
honest with no regrets.
a 28 day in rehab stay that saved my life.
Our marriage continued on for 25 yrs.
with about 20 yrs sobriety when it ended
upon agreement and peaceful.
There are marriages that last or successful
because both are working and living a
recovery life together, communicating,
understanding with love and respect
for each other.
When one entered recovery like I did,
I grew and changed without the dependence
of a controlled substance in my everyday
life. Family, didn't understand how extremely
important living this life for me had to be
in order to not return to the drink. Even tho
they were supportive of my recovery, they
still couldn't grasp the concept of living and
incorporating recovery in our family because
they were not the sick ones dealing with
addiction.
So, lack of understanding and communication
was the ultimate culprit of an unbalanced
family and marriage.
Today we are both remarried. For me,
life in recovery is healthier, happier and
honest with no regrets.
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