thotful

How do you handle the silence? I'm very open about my work to stay sober. I know that others like to keep the sobriety to themselves, but I choose to let it be out there (I talk about it in facebook). I believe it helps me to be accountable and to no longer be silent. My father is a high-functioning alcoholic and had a mini-stroke recently and it feels like most of my family-of-origin don't want to talk about it/acknowledge it or anything.

I feel so afraid of being honest, but I feel that being open is part of my recovery (I know AA says to keep it all anonymous, but I don't like it that way personally - I respect others anonymity, but not my own - I'm tired of hiding secrets - secrets abound).

My FOO members try to argue with me about whether or not I'm an alcoholic or have a problem. I've got a job, home, wife, etc, so they say I'm fine. Yet, I've had the blackouts, the self-pity pot, the ridiculous rules to take control, and I STILL notice the urges. When we go to a restaurant and my DW orders a beer, I still have issues with looking at it (like I'm visualizing/fantasizing about downing it - since I was a binge drinker), and I FEEL THE URGE. But I know the urge is not my friend and when I need to, I look away, get away, whatever I can.

How do you deal with family members that seem to be more against you than supporting you? "you're just responsible - that's why you made rules" "you're not much of a drinker" - etc, etc. Plus the silence can be deafening to me. My closest friend simply doesn't respond to some of my e-mails and any of my facebook posts about my alcoholism.

How do you deal with it? Do you just mind to your own business and keep working your program? it's hard when I relied so much on them before and when I need/want their support they leave me high and dry.

Looking for some support about denial, refusal to acknowledge any issues, or to even TALK about anything actually important.

silentrun

It really only matters to me that I know. I was good at not getting into trouble when I drank so it's no wonder people can't see the problem. It's there tho...the more I get the more I want.

awuh1

Talking about recovery with people who are drinking can threaten their ability to deny and minimize their own problem. Those who don't have a problem with alcohol are far less likely to be uncommunicative, and they will likely be supportive of your efforts.

Don't be too hard on those who are distancing themselves. They may be facing their own demons.

AAnoob

Posting personal problems on facebook is bad form IMHO,
It comes off as attention seeking, 'oh, poor me' type of deal.
There are good reasons why your friends are not responding to those posts.
Now, if they don't want to talk about it face-to-face, well, they are not really your close friends.

Personal problems are best shared with your close friends in person or over the phone.
Forget txt or emails. They are very impersonal way of communication.

Also recommend a therapist.
and AA meetings as well.
(just watch out for AA sponsors trying to play therapist, or friends that are "fixers")

MnEman

I hear you, I have many problem drinkers in my family, and they really don't want to hear about my struggles. I guess I just realize that support from them is not going to be direct, like it is from you folks. What you have to watch out for is the ones who might try to sabotage your recovery. My stepdad (raging alky) talked my brother into believing he didn't have a real problem, and this was after treatment, spending his kids college money, and leaving them while drunk. Of course this is what my brother wanted to hear, so who's fault was it?

My family is really big on the stereotypical model of alcoholism, so as long as you get up and go to work, you don't have a problem, and don't have anything to "recover" from. They simply cannot help me in this struggle. Do whatever you have to for yourself, and try not to worry too much about what is going on with them.

DoubleBarrel

You say you want to be totally open with people, but then you see that they don't understand, aren't always supportive, and could even undermine your sobriety.

I mostly keep my sobriety to myself for that very reason. I share with other alcoholics here and at meetings.

myheartaches

It's pretty tough I think for some of my family to accept that I am no longer drinking because that's what they were accustomed to seeing me do. Some of them still do it, so of course, they will offer me a drink even after I've told them I'm not drinking and am working on my health. I think that mostly is a reflection on them, and like someone else said, that they may feel insecure and intimidated by your decision to quit drinking. It's hard for other people to accept because they may also have to look inside themselves and make a choice they don't want to make.

Some of my family know more than others. For example, I can't trust everyone to tell them I have a bad side when I drink and that that bad side has been slowly ruining everything good that comes into my life and that if I don't stop, I will have nothing. Only certain close friends and family know that. Not everyone will understand or respect that. They may also just see the good side of you and not get it when you tell them you have a problem.

I've found it pretty tough this weekend and that's a challenge that many people on here have warned me about.

I have kept strong, but I now know what certain people mean when they say have a get-away plan.

I don't post any of this on social media sites I belong to because I don't think it's a good place to put your heart on your sleeve. You have to protect yourself even though you want to open up. Exercise good judgement when it comes to sharing intimate details of your life.

Facebook isn't what it once was. It's more of a place to advertise events and express opinions on politics and post pictures of furry animals. It's your choice but once you start doing that, just realise you may not get the responses you want and may not get any at all.

I think it's good to talk to people face to face if you can, and try to enjoy the time with those you like but can't fully open up to. Not everyone is going to change at the rate you do.

I think it all takes time and you have to gauge your surroundings and also your relationships.

EndGameNYC

Not meaning to rant on Facebook...just share my experience. I've worked with so many people in my practice (and a few in my personal life) whose marriages, lives and careers have been adversely affected by posting on or otherwise accessing Facebook in order bring people and things into their lives that they don't have and seem to need, that I just don't see its benefits. Except, of course, in cases where friends (not Facebook friends, but friends in the more traditional sense) and family cannot otherwise interact (though even then, there are better ways to connect). Yet millions of people begin and end their days on Facebook.

Facebook doesn't cause marriages and other relationships to explode, change for the worse people's lives, or get people fired from their jobs (or knock them out of the box after a job interview). No, it's a web application that people use for all sorts of reasons. But it's also the delivery system for unintended adverse consequences and the means by which some people demonstrate poor judgment, a lack of self-control, all kinds of objectionable opinions, and other objectionable contents. Though I may think what I'm posting on Facebook is completely harmless or innocent, not everyone who views it will see it in quite the same way.

thotful

I can understand the interest in keeping recovery within AA, close friends, etc. instead of on social media. It's like any other tool in this world that can be dangerous or somehow a blessing. There are people that are open about their struggles (Russel Brand for example), and others that choose to keep it close to the vest. We each do what works for us. Being honest about it in facebook seems to be working for me. My 1st post was about 1 year of sobriety. I was AMAZED at the amount of support I got in response (my family have always been abusive and cruel and always downing on me - it was a nice surprise to see that not everyone's like that). I know there's the risk of being an "approval addict" and whatnot - I'll keep that in mind. So far, I've had a freeing experience with posting on facebook, personally. Like I had broken the bars of denial, and thrown my cage wide open (I have felt trapped, strangled without air, etc by my family with the feeling that I'm not allowed to speak about any of this). I've spent most of my life feeling like an "open book", but we never really were; We don't discuss serious issues in our family. I understand others disagreement though. I actually made a post where I told friends to "turn off" my feed if they felt uncomfortable with what I was sharing. I don't think facebook HAS to be about puppies, cats, political ads, and baby pics. It's dangerous, I get it. Maybe it's a weed-out process for me - maybe I'm just looking for "woe-is-me" attention - but that's not how I'm feeling today. I felt like it was the opportunity to free myself from a cage. The cage of "we don't talk about that". I don't want to feel ashamed of my life or afraid of it either. I was deeply afraid in the beginning and loved my anonymity and was scared that my family would find out. I don't feel scared anymore.

But, as I said before, even though I disagree quite a bit about the anonymity thing (mine only of course), I completely honor/respect others anonymity. It makes a lot of sense. Many people in this world just don't understand. It is unfortunate, really. Someone talks about some other disease like cancer and it's a WHOLE different story.

I'll keep everyone's thoughts in mind though. I need to be careful of losing sight of my own road to recovery and not relying on others to give me approval. I need it for myself.

I would point out that what I share can be quite different there than say in an AA or Al-Anon meeting. I might give much more detail in a meeting. Where I'm more generic in a facebook post (like talking about balancing physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual) or how I used to make rules to fool myself into thinking I was in control.

Thanks for everyone's thoughts!

gaffo

A harsh lesson that I learned in early sobriety was that no one was going to give me a medal for doing what I should have been doing all along. I had to bail a lot of stupid resentment out of my brain before that was revealed to me. Only other alcoholics know the deal. No one else can help even if they want to.

After a while talking about your sobriety gets to be a non issue--be patient.

GroundhogDay

Don't forget that while you are changing, those you correspond with on Fabebook may not be. You said they don't like to talk about serious things. Perhaps that is a reason for their silence.

Aellyce

Thotful, I understand your motivations and dilemmas. I contemplate these questions myself in different contexts (I'm not a Facebook user). We naturally desire being open and honest after years of secrecy that usually comes with addiction. I've come to agree with the general consensus here that it's best to be very careful where and how much we share, especially in the early days (I'm also quite new, ~2 months in). Our decision making processes get strongly compromised by years of drinking and like Groundhog said, our minds undergo tons of very dynamic changes in early sobriety. Amongst many things, I feel that I need to re-learn how to communicate properly in different types of environments.

I've shared my alcohol problems and sobriety with a couple close friends that are very intelligent people but never had addiction problems. I have found that they did not really offer much constructive support, not because they were not interested or did not care, but because (I think) they did not know how to help. It's also quite easy to scare people away with sharing disturbing issues... This is probably not what we want after years of drinking that often isolates us from healthy human connections.
So what I suggest is caution.