courage2

I have an annual business trip that’s the scene of some of my worst debauches. Yes, that’s the right word. It’s a major trigger. I went last year and didn’t drink – I went to AA meetings and called other alcoholics and smoked a lot -- but it was rough and a close call.

This year is coming up in 10 days. I have no choice about going, although I’m keeping my stay fairly brief -- despite my AV that keeps telling me to extend it so as to hole up in a strange city with a series of bottles.

My issue: there are several people who've been associates of mine during my active years, who've asked to spend time with me at this event. Two of them know that I don’t drink. All are triggers for me because of old associations.

My question: should I avoid them completely, or use the opportunity to start to face my past? I owe some amends to at least two of these people, and another one might need my support. I guess my real question is, how willing and ready am I?

matt4x4

Well you have good reason to be there. Makes sense for you to be there.
Now do these people have any say on your duties for your company. Are they customers? or are they fellow work-mates of yours, more of a social group per say, then seller/buyer role. If they are just social acquaintences, then there is no need to hang with them all night. Just say your hellos, good gestures, stay with them a few moments, drinking your coke and leave and do your buyer/seller rounds. If this is strictly a 100% social event with no business being produced, and the goal is to produce a network then you might have to hang with them longer, but as soon as it gets dicey you leave that group and do the rounds, talking to other people. This is what face to face communication is for, actually talking to a real live person in the flesh, for people like you. If you are in a small town, then ask away online. Isnt there an Active Voice group you can attend to talk about this, or a SMART meeting you can go to.

courage2

Thanks, Matt. I'm not in business. These are close colleagues, though I see them rarely -- I know them all very well, some of them for 15 years. If I'd had any friends when I was active, they would be my friends, and more.

To a greater or lesser degree, I've caused havoc in the lives of most of these people over the years. I have to decide whether I'm ready and willing to take actions not just to avoid that, but to start to try to redress it. Last year at this time I wasn't remotely ready even to think about this.

I'm wondering, am I setting myself up for unnecessary drama? Should I just let old issues die? They've each asked to see me, not the other way around -- so they're not interested in letting old issues die. And they will, most of them, hang around the peripheries of my life always, so some kind of resolution seems desirable. But as an alcoholic, I do like drama. And I do set myself up for trouble. I'm unsure and just trying to order my thinking and reach out for other people's thoughts on SR, which have always helped me so much.

FourSeasons

Hi Courage2 - Question...

You state: "To a greater or lesser degree, I've caused havoc in the lives of most of these people over the years. I have to decide whether I'm ready and willing to take actions not just to avoid that, but to start to try to redress it. Last year at this time I wasn't remotely ready even to think about this. "

What havoc really... Is it really that bad? It sounds to me you work remotely and only see these folks once or so a year at work get togethers. Please correct me if I am wrong. How much havoc could you have really caused? Are you really that important? (and no offense. I say this in that sometimes my mind blows things up because I am the center of my own universe and in the end, it really wasn't that big of a deal to others).

You also state, "I'm wondering, am I setting myself up for unnecessary drama? Should I just let old issues die? They've each asked to see me, not the other way around -- so they're not interested in letting old issues die. And they will, most of them, hang around the peripheries of my life always, so some kind of resolution seems desirable. But as an alcoholic, I do like drama. And I do set myself up for trouble. I'm unsure and just trying to order my thinking and reach out for other people's thoughts on SR, which have always helped me so much."

Honestly... it is not worth it. Move on. If they want to hang, draw, and quarter you for past transgressions then they are simply not worth it. If you apologized once, and then twice, and then over and over... then they are not worth it. Just keep your distance. People who constantly remind you of when you were at your worst really do not have your best interest at heart. They are on a power trip. And, that is their own personal flaw. And, that flaw is an ugly one. They are not your friends. They do not have your best interest at heart and they should not have the privilege of taking space in your inner circle.

Don't worry about your trip. You need to face these people but just keep in mind that that was then and this is now.

Just stay strong!

SoberLeigh

Yup. ^ What FourSeasons said.

courage2

Thanks 4Seasons, definitely no offence taken, & thanks for the bump. You state exactly the question I'm trying to figure out. All I know is that if I were doing an AA 4th step, a couple of these people would be the first names after mom & dad. And the fact that in spite of some nasty stuff, they want to see me, indicates they haven't moved on successfully either. Oh, but I also know I'm a little crazy.

More opinions welcome, really.

Cow

Well, I not give crap about steps. But I think you batsh*t crazy you go anywhere near anybody who jeopardize you. You already say is trigger event and these trigger people. Oh hello, is that maybe dangerous? Okay, so you reek havocs upon them, send them email apology and explanation as to why you putting you commitment to sobriety first but you looking forward to see them when you feeling more stable in you sobriety. That will open up dialogue and they probably prefers you take such action to help you self.

bigsombrero

"if I were working the steps"...but you're not. Right? I'm not either, and I tried early in sobriety to complete the 4th step with no guidance and no realization of what it meant. I fell all over myself in an agonizing apology to an ex-girlfriend, and as you can guess it turned out to be a poor idea.

I still don't work the steps and don't really do AA much, so I've decided that since I'm not in AA I'm not going to practice the steps, either. You might want to follow that logic. Fourseasons had a terrific response, I think. Go to the event. Mingle and say hello. Get out and up to bed early. Like Cow said, keep away from anything that would involve major temptation (for example, a night on the town after the meetings).

You might be worried that you'll come across as aloof or clipped with people which whom you've shared a crazy history - so what. Hello, nice to see you again, how 'bout them Yankees, boy it sure has been a cold winter hasn't it, well it's been nice seein' ya. That's all you gotta do. Don't overthink what's needed of you and take care of your business.

courage2

Well, that's unanimous. Thanks! I have no idea whether I'll take anyone's advice. I still have a while to stew on things and make them a big deal in my head, and generally get in my own way.

GreenEggsAndHam

I admit I lol'ed a bit at this. =)

When I was reading the thread, I thought you may possibly be building this up more in your worries than what it will be. I'd just avoid any triggers and people I don't care to be around as much as possible and whatever else happens is out of your control.

deeker

You know in your heart what is the right thing to do. Honesty and truth will guide you. You absolutely can give someone else hope.

TTBABP

Sorry if you have already updated somewhere else but I jut read this thread and really need to know what and how you did Courage. I just don't have the ooomphhh to look elsewhere for an update so I hope you will respond here.