Nervous about today
Poison Eater Extraordinaire
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: East Coast, USA
Posts: 1,031
Nervous about today
I feel slightly anxious about staying sober today. Today is the first day since getting sober that I will be home alone, with access to my credit cards and keys. I know right now I do not want to drink. I worry about later in the day.
On a side note, I started therapy last night with an addictions therapist. We didn't really focus much on my drinking, I talked more about all my anger. I have been in therapy before, and last night I dumped what would normally take me 6 months to dump/trust on someone. I just want to let all these childish childhood issues go. I'm too old to still be angry about my childhood and at my parents. I have 3 of my own kids now, whose lives I need to focus on not f*cking up.
Anyway, feeling good right now, but slightly apprehensive about being alone today and what feelings may crop up later.
On a side note, I started therapy last night with an addictions therapist. We didn't really focus much on my drinking, I talked more about all my anger. I have been in therapy before, and last night I dumped what would normally take me 6 months to dump/trust on someone. I just want to let all these childish childhood issues go. I'm too old to still be angry about my childhood and at my parents. I have 3 of my own kids now, whose lives I need to focus on not f*cking up.
Anyway, feeling good right now, but slightly apprehensive about being alone today and what feelings may crop up later.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 25
Freethinking - you bring up a good point about anger. I have been focused on what my drinking causes and causes me to say and do, where my wife pointed out that she thinks I should focus on what is the reason I drink and what I am trying to medicate myself for. What causes the drinking and what the drinking causes seem to be the same or related - anger in my case.
Either way, staying sober is of course key.
Either way, staying sober is of course key.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3,359
First - your not too old to have childhood issues. Figuring out why you are the way you are is important in recovery so you can develop plans to deal with how you react to things. Much of this goes to our childhood since 90% of our development occurs in the first 5 years of our life (R.K. Lenroot, J.N. Giedd / Neuroscience and Biobehavioral Reviews 30 (2006) 718–729).
In terms of your anxiety your going to feel the pull more and more physically and mentally to drink. You have not broken the physical side and the mental will stay for generally a year or more. Your mind is going to try and trick you into drinking. So how about changing the variables up today and keeping busy vs sitting around the house with keys and a credit card? Can you attend an AA meeting? Is there hobbies you could participate in? How about go for a run or a walk outside? Going to the gym, going to the pool?
Nothing changes is nothing changes - you need to change the routine. Your doing a great job, keep it up.
In terms of your anxiety your going to feel the pull more and more physically and mentally to drink. You have not broken the physical side and the mental will stay for generally a year or more. Your mind is going to try and trick you into drinking. So how about changing the variables up today and keeping busy vs sitting around the house with keys and a credit card? Can you attend an AA meeting? Is there hobbies you could participate in? How about go for a run or a walk outside? Going to the gym, going to the pool?
Nothing changes is nothing changes - you need to change the routine. Your doing a great job, keep it up.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3,359
Originally Posted by jw1969 
Freethinking - you bring up a good point about anger. I have been focused on what my drinking causes and causes me to say and do, where my wife pointed out that she thinks I should focus on what is the reason I drink and what I am trying to medicate myself for. What causes the drinking and what the drinking causes seem to be the same or related - anger in my case.
Either way, staying sober is of course key.
Either way, staying sober is of course key.
Poison Eater Extraordinaire
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: East Coast, USA
Posts: 1,031
JW: Well, when I am sober I am somewhat depressed - which most say is repressed anger. When I am drunk, I become angry. I often specifically start ranting about what a sh*tty childhood I had. I find this embarassing, given my age and stage in life. But, all the same, it seems like this anger needs to be addressed because I do believe my depression/repressed anger is often what ultimately causes me to drink again. I know some would disagree, but it is just my gut feeling.
JD: As always, thanks for the support. I have my 18 month old with me all day, and my 4 year old with me from 1pm onward....so it is hard to change things up too much. I can't do too much with either of them.
JD: As always, thanks for the support. I have my 18 month old with me all day, and my 4 year old with me from 1pm onward....so it is hard to change things up too much. I can't do too much with either of them.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3,359
I understand FT...there were a few books that helped change the way I view things. I will pass along:
The Power of Now, Tolle
In the Realm of Hungry Ghost, Mate
There are many more but those two got the ball moving. AA's Big Book also helped but that was more a text book for me and I felt bias in that vs truth in the others - my experience. I have studied the BB and I agree with much of it.
Maybe with the 18 month old goes down for a nap this AM you could have some me time to read? Maybe taking the kids to the park? Being outside might change up the routine? I used to do that when my kids were that age on the weekends.
The Power of Now, Tolle
In the Realm of Hungry Ghost, Mate
There are many more but those two got the ball moving. AA's Big Book also helped but that was more a text book for me and I felt bias in that vs truth in the others - my experience. I have studied the BB and I agree with much of it.
Maybe with the 18 month old goes down for a nap this AM you could have some me time to read? Maybe taking the kids to the park? Being outside might change up the routine? I used to do that when my kids were that age on the weekends.
Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah.
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,887
Come here and post an SOS if needed. The park is a Great idea ! Do you have any of those mommy and me child jungle jimmy places by you ? A park district ? So you could parlay the kiddie time with some adult interaction ?
If it's a beautiful windy spring day, ain't much better thing to do then fly a kite.
My fave.
Make cookies, jog in place, put on a mud mask, whiten your teeth, clean out a drawer, take ten deep breaths, go out for pizza.
You got this. You can do this. We will help.
XO AO
If it's a beautiful windy spring day, ain't much better thing to do then fly a kite.
My fave.
Make cookies, jog in place, put on a mud mask, whiten your teeth, clean out a drawer, take ten deep breaths, go out for pizza.
You got this. You can do this. We will help.
XO AO
Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah.
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,887
Ps - please give yourself permission to feel, really FEEL your emotions. Own them. It's ok if you feel like you should be over it, but your not. And that's fine. Healing is cyclical not linear.
So go deep.
And go gentle.
This is your life. No one gets to determine your healing timeline but you. If it still hurts, that just means it's not healed ...
So go deep.
And go gentle.
This is your life. No one gets to determine your healing timeline but you. If it still hurts, that just means it's not healed ...
Poison Eater Extraordinaire
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: East Coast, USA
Posts: 1,031
Thanks AO.
I am feeling very anxious right now as it nears midday. I need to take a shower and go pick up my middle child, and the baby is wailing since I have to put her in the playpen. I haven't felt this anxious in days.
Regarding my issues with the therapist, you are probably right. But, I have a lot of disgust with myself over these issues, so it's hard to be gentle with myself while beginning the process of dealing with said issues.
Jesus, I wish the baby would stop crying.
I am feeling very anxious right now as it nears midday. I need to take a shower and go pick up my middle child, and the baby is wailing since I have to put her in the playpen. I haven't felt this anxious in days.
Regarding my issues with the therapist, you are probably right. But, I have a lot of disgust with myself over these issues, so it's hard to be gentle with myself while beginning the process of dealing with said issues.
Jesus, I wish the baby would stop crying.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,238
Over the years I had to learn that can't change
my childhood and the physical, verbal, emotional
abuse I sustained at the hands of a sick parent
and why I was the only one out of 4 kids she
chose to treat this way.
Today, I have chosen to distant, divorce myself
from that family environment because it was
not healthy my my own recovery. However,
In recovery, I had to learn about not holding
resentments or anger towards those that were
cruel or mean to me, because to harbor those
negative feelings keep me in my sickness.
I needed to become healthy and happy in my
life and recovery and learned how to forgive
them to the best of my ability and place them
in the Hands of my HP - Higher Power, God
of my understanding for Him to take care of
this situation because I can no longer carry
that burden.
I entered recovery 23 yrs ago when I had 2
little ones and a little family. I always thought
they were little gifts given from Above, His
children for us to guide and protect by His hand,
and to not treat them the way I was raised.
That is where the chain of abuse was broken
and not carried on into their own little families.
Both of my adult children are healthy, happy,
College degreed, parents of their own....well
one is.....and no signs of addiction.
To me that is a GIFT in recovery.
my childhood and the physical, verbal, emotional
abuse I sustained at the hands of a sick parent
and why I was the only one out of 4 kids she
chose to treat this way.
Today, I have chosen to distant, divorce myself
from that family environment because it was
not healthy my my own recovery. However,
In recovery, I had to learn about not holding
resentments or anger towards those that were
cruel or mean to me, because to harbor those
negative feelings keep me in my sickness.
I needed to become healthy and happy in my
life and recovery and learned how to forgive
them to the best of my ability and place them
in the Hands of my HP - Higher Power, God
of my understanding for Him to take care of
this situation because I can no longer carry
that burden.
I entered recovery 23 yrs ago when I had 2
little ones and a little family. I always thought
they were little gifts given from Above, His
children for us to guide and protect by His hand,
and to not treat them the way I was raised.
That is where the chain of abuse was broken
and not carried on into their own little families.
Both of my adult children are healthy, happy,
College degreed, parents of their own....well
one is.....and no signs of addiction.
To me that is a GIFT in recovery.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,874
FT, great job on unloading with your therapist. Doesn't matter how old you are or how old your issues are, if they are unresolved they remain "issues".
Do your kids like to bake? Even store bought cookie dough can turn into a fun experience. And who doesn't find warm, gooey coookies and milk comfort food.
Don't forget to stick with your friends here on SR.
Do your kids like to bake? Even store bought cookie dough can turn into a fun experience. And who doesn't find warm, gooey coookies and milk comfort food.
Don't forget to stick with your friends here on SR.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Georgia
Posts: 3,062
I've been in therapy multiple times and I'm STILL processing being pissed at my parents for the b.s. I went through. This stuff takes time. There is no timeline as to when you "should" be over this. Time takes time. You are doing awesome just talking about it, checking in here, and staying sober!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 1,635
I think you are doing great. You are aware of the danger you could put yourself and your children in if you drink.
I just started with a new therapist yesterday. I really like him, and guess what the first questions were- family! But I am looking forward to it and I already stated my focus: establishing boundaries, self esteem, and my alcoholism.
Have you checked out AA around you? Some have child care. Maybe you could meet young mothers like yourself. You seem overwhelmed. I can't imagine how hard it is to care for your children 24/7.
I just started with a new therapist yesterday. I really like him, and guess what the first questions were- family! But I am looking forward to it and I already stated my focus: establishing boundaries, self esteem, and my alcoholism.
Have you checked out AA around you? Some have child care. Maybe you could meet young mothers like yourself. You seem overwhelmed. I can't imagine how hard it is to care for your children 24/7.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Southern California
Posts: 120
Originally Posted by freethinking
JW: Well, when I am sober I am somewhat depressed - which most say is repressed anger. When I am drunk, I become angry. I often specifically start ranting about what a sh*tty childhood I had. I find this embarassing, given my age and stage in life. But, all the same, it seems like this anger needs to be addressed because I do believe my depression/repressed anger is often what ultimately causes me to drink again. I know some would disagree, but it is just my gut feeling.
JD: As always, thanks for the support. I have my 18 month old with me all day, and my 4 year old with me from 1pm onward....so it is hard to change things up too much. I can't do too much with either of them.
JD: As always, thanks for the support. I have my 18 month old with me all day, and my 4 year old with me from 1pm onward....so it is hard to change things up too much. I can't do too much with either of them.
We are lucky to be living in 2014, as there are a lot of new options for treatment now that do not have many side effects. The medication I am receiving has virtually no side effects for me (apart from a minor bit of nausea if I slam them back on an empty stomach with black coffee and no breakfast, which NEVER happens - only 90% of the time at most!) and it has really helped to bring me back to reality. It was only approved a few years ago and apparently the older medications were much more difficult to tolerate.
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