What does it mean to be a “good” sponsor?
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What does it mean to be a “good” sponsor?
here's an article I find helpful....
https://www.nacr.org/wordpress/68/th...ond-the-basics
by Margaret Bullitt-Jonas
Ask people with a long stretch of recovery what contributes to their capacity to live without relapse, and it’s likely that many of them will mention sponsoring and being sponsored. The tool of sponsorship is one of the great gifts of the Twelve Step program, bearing an extraordinary power to turn a person’s life around. Just about anyone in recovery can tell a story or two about a breakthrough conversation with a sponsor and about the difference it made to receive the personal support of a fellow sufferer, to be given a timely word of wisdom or insight, and to be listened to with respect. Serving as a sponsor can likewise strengthen our recovery as we experience the joy of passing on what we have received and of watching our sponsees grow.
At the same time, I expect that many of us could also tell stories about times when the sponsoring relationship broke down–times, for instance, when we experienced our sponsor as being rigid or judgmental, or when our own distractions and preoccupations interfered with our ability to listen with full attention to someone we were sponsoring. Sponsorship may be a powerful tool, but it’s one we don’t always wield wisely.
What does it mean to be a “good” sponsor? What helps and what harms the sponsoring relationship? What difficulties do we experience as sponsors and sponsees? How can we work through our difficulties and use them as opportunities to grow? What skills might help us to become more effective sponsors? These are some of the questions I began asking myself almost 25 years ago, when I first began exploring the give-and-take of sponsoring and being sponsored in the Twelve Step program. I quickly discovered that sponsorship must be practiced more as an art than a science. There is no single “best” way to sponsor, no cookie-cutter formula for how to sponsor well. What’s more, people need different things in a sponsor, depending on where they are in their own journey of recovery. Given all this, it’s not surprising that being a good sponsor takes imagination, creativity, flexibility, a willingness to risk and to make mistakes, and a desire to learn.
Some Twelve Step members exercise a model of sponsorship that sets up a fairly rigid, strict, and authoritarian relationship between sponsor and sponsee, in which a “good” sponsor lays down the rules and a “good” sponsee reacts with unquestioning obedience. My own approach to sponsorship assumes a more egalitarian relationship, one that seeks to function as collaboration or alliance rather than as domination. I like a dynamic, developmental model of sponsorship, one that may in some cases begin in a comparatively authoritarian way but that always seeks to strengthen the sponsees’ healthy autonomy and their capacity to trust themselves. I value doing what we can to establish and maintain a relationship between sponsor and sponsee that is flexible–changing over time and adapting to the sponsee’s emerging freedom. As sponsors, we try to help our sponsees move beyond isolation (what the Big Book calls “self-will run riot”) and also beyond clingy over-dependence and subservience. We want to support our sponsees in their quest, with God’s help, to discover and to follow their own inner wisdom as they learn, one day at a time, to live without their drug.
Ask clarifying questions
Questions of clarification signal that you are still listening, that your attention continues to be focused on the sponsee, that you want to understand what he or she is saying, and that you care. Asking a clarifying question is not the same as prying. Offering a paraphrase (“What I hear you saying is…”) is another good way of staying connected with your sponsee, inviting him or her to correct our possible misinterpretation. Remarks such as “Tell me about it” or “Would you like to say more about that?” are a refreshing change from what people often give each other: criticism, advice, moral lessons, or interpretation.
Of course, there are moments when offering our sponsee some advice and guidance is just what is needed, but taking time to ask clarifying questions first, or to paraphrase what we hear, helps to ensure that our advice is sound. What’s more, pausing to ask some questions and to listen to the answers can cut through a habit common to many of us: eagerly jumping in to judge, rescue, fix, solve, or otherwise try to control our sponsees’ lives. Asking clarifying questions can help to keep the locus of change where it belongs: in the sponsee’s hands, not ours.
Listen for feelings
Many addicts at the beginning of recovery are quite cut off from their feelings. They may feel chronically angry, depressed, spacey or numb. When they put down their drug, a day at a time, all sorts of long-suppressed feelings can come roaring back to the surface. This is not comfortable. Some sponsees handle it by talking and talking very fast, as if a rush of words could control the feelings and keep them at bay. As sponsors, we want to give permission for feelings to be felt. Whatever the sponsee is feeling is OK. Of course, taking destructive action on a feeling is not OK, but we want to give our sponsees the freedom to feel what they feel. Asking questions such as “What are you feeling right now?,” “When did you start to feel that way?,” “How do you feel now as you say that?,” or “Where in your body do you feel it?” can support our sponsees to be more comfortable with their felt experience.
I cringe when I hear people say at a meeting that their sponsor told them to “get off the pity-pot.” Obsessive self-pity is one thing, but maybe the sponsee simply needed to grieve. What the sponsor dismissed as “self-pity” may in fact be genuine sorrow. Being sad is fine. Being angry is fine. It is normal to have feelings. If we sponsors are not comfortable with our own strong feelings, we may well become anxious when our sponsees feel something, and do our best to shut them down. Sensing our discomfort, our sponsees may in turn begin censoring how much they tell us, for fear of “being a burden.” This is not helpful.
I must also acknowledge that some recovering addicts do get stuck in particular emotional patterns, such as endlessly ranting or complaining. Our job as sponsors is not to be a therapist but to listen with patience and, if possible, with empathy, and to suggest how our sponsees can best work the program in the given situation (for example, is it time for them to work a particular Step? to make a gratitude list? to take a moral inventory? to pray for guidance? to offer service?). We can also suggest professional therapeutic help.
(for the rest of the article, click the link)
https://www.nacr.org/wordpress/68/th...ond-the-basics
https://www.nacr.org/wordpress/68/th...ond-the-basics
by Margaret Bullitt-Jonas
Ask people with a long stretch of recovery what contributes to their capacity to live without relapse, and it’s likely that many of them will mention sponsoring and being sponsored. The tool of sponsorship is one of the great gifts of the Twelve Step program, bearing an extraordinary power to turn a person’s life around. Just about anyone in recovery can tell a story or two about a breakthrough conversation with a sponsor and about the difference it made to receive the personal support of a fellow sufferer, to be given a timely word of wisdom or insight, and to be listened to with respect. Serving as a sponsor can likewise strengthen our recovery as we experience the joy of passing on what we have received and of watching our sponsees grow.
At the same time, I expect that many of us could also tell stories about times when the sponsoring relationship broke down–times, for instance, when we experienced our sponsor as being rigid or judgmental, or when our own distractions and preoccupations interfered with our ability to listen with full attention to someone we were sponsoring. Sponsorship may be a powerful tool, but it’s one we don’t always wield wisely.
What does it mean to be a “good” sponsor? What helps and what harms the sponsoring relationship? What difficulties do we experience as sponsors and sponsees? How can we work through our difficulties and use them as opportunities to grow? What skills might help us to become more effective sponsors? These are some of the questions I began asking myself almost 25 years ago, when I first began exploring the give-and-take of sponsoring and being sponsored in the Twelve Step program. I quickly discovered that sponsorship must be practiced more as an art than a science. There is no single “best” way to sponsor, no cookie-cutter formula for how to sponsor well. What’s more, people need different things in a sponsor, depending on where they are in their own journey of recovery. Given all this, it’s not surprising that being a good sponsor takes imagination, creativity, flexibility, a willingness to risk and to make mistakes, and a desire to learn.
Some Twelve Step members exercise a model of sponsorship that sets up a fairly rigid, strict, and authoritarian relationship between sponsor and sponsee, in which a “good” sponsor lays down the rules and a “good” sponsee reacts with unquestioning obedience. My own approach to sponsorship assumes a more egalitarian relationship, one that seeks to function as collaboration or alliance rather than as domination. I like a dynamic, developmental model of sponsorship, one that may in some cases begin in a comparatively authoritarian way but that always seeks to strengthen the sponsees’ healthy autonomy and their capacity to trust themselves. I value doing what we can to establish and maintain a relationship between sponsor and sponsee that is flexible–changing over time and adapting to the sponsee’s emerging freedom. As sponsors, we try to help our sponsees move beyond isolation (what the Big Book calls “self-will run riot”) and also beyond clingy over-dependence and subservience. We want to support our sponsees in their quest, with God’s help, to discover and to follow their own inner wisdom as they learn, one day at a time, to live without their drug.
Ask clarifying questions
Questions of clarification signal that you are still listening, that your attention continues to be focused on the sponsee, that you want to understand what he or she is saying, and that you care. Asking a clarifying question is not the same as prying. Offering a paraphrase (“What I hear you saying is…”) is another good way of staying connected with your sponsee, inviting him or her to correct our possible misinterpretation. Remarks such as “Tell me about it” or “Would you like to say more about that?” are a refreshing change from what people often give each other: criticism, advice, moral lessons, or interpretation.
Of course, there are moments when offering our sponsee some advice and guidance is just what is needed, but taking time to ask clarifying questions first, or to paraphrase what we hear, helps to ensure that our advice is sound. What’s more, pausing to ask some questions and to listen to the answers can cut through a habit common to many of us: eagerly jumping in to judge, rescue, fix, solve, or otherwise try to control our sponsees’ lives. Asking clarifying questions can help to keep the locus of change where it belongs: in the sponsee’s hands, not ours.
Listen for feelings
Many addicts at the beginning of recovery are quite cut off from their feelings. They may feel chronically angry, depressed, spacey or numb. When they put down their drug, a day at a time, all sorts of long-suppressed feelings can come roaring back to the surface. This is not comfortable. Some sponsees handle it by talking and talking very fast, as if a rush of words could control the feelings and keep them at bay. As sponsors, we want to give permission for feelings to be felt. Whatever the sponsee is feeling is OK. Of course, taking destructive action on a feeling is not OK, but we want to give our sponsees the freedom to feel what they feel. Asking questions such as “What are you feeling right now?,” “When did you start to feel that way?,” “How do you feel now as you say that?,” or “Where in your body do you feel it?” can support our sponsees to be more comfortable with their felt experience.
I cringe when I hear people say at a meeting that their sponsor told them to “get off the pity-pot.” Obsessive self-pity is one thing, but maybe the sponsee simply needed to grieve. What the sponsor dismissed as “self-pity” may in fact be genuine sorrow. Being sad is fine. Being angry is fine. It is normal to have feelings. If we sponsors are not comfortable with our own strong feelings, we may well become anxious when our sponsees feel something, and do our best to shut them down. Sensing our discomfort, our sponsees may in turn begin censoring how much they tell us, for fear of “being a burden.” This is not helpful.
I must also acknowledge that some recovering addicts do get stuck in particular emotional patterns, such as endlessly ranting or complaining. Our job as sponsors is not to be a therapist but to listen with patience and, if possible, with empathy, and to suggest how our sponsees can best work the program in the given situation (for example, is it time for them to work a particular Step? to make a gratitude list? to take a moral inventory? to pray for guidance? to offer service?). We can also suggest professional therapeutic help.
(for the rest of the article, click the link)
https://www.nacr.org/wordpress/68/th...ond-the-basics
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 100
Interestingly, I heard this at the AA meeting today, and this one lady said, "when a sponsor tells you to stand on your head, you should do it".
She was basically telling newcomers to stop questioning their sponsors and the program, and do what they are told, because 'obviously' their way did not work.
food for thought...
She was basically telling newcomers to stop questioning their sponsors and the program, and do what they are told, because 'obviously' their way did not work.
food for thought...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 100
actuallly already read it,
http://www.aa.org/pdf/products/p-15_Q&AonSpon.pdf
http://www.aa.org/pdf/products/p-15_Q&AonSpon.pdf
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: C.C. Ma.
Posts: 3,697
From AAnoob reference.
The process of matching newcomer and sponsor
is as informal as everything else in A.A. Often,
the new person simply approaches a more experienced
member who seems compatible, and asks
that member to be a sponsor. Most A.A.s are
happy and grateful to receive such a request.
An old A.A. saying suggests, “Stick with
the winners.” It’s only reasonable to seek a
sharing of experience with a member who seems
to be using the A.A. program successfully in
everyday life. There are no specific rules, but a
good sponsor probably should be a year or more
away from the last drink — and should seem to be
enjoying sobriety.
BE WELL
The process of matching newcomer and sponsor
is as informal as everything else in A.A. Often,
the new person simply approaches a more experienced
member who seems compatible, and asks
that member to be a sponsor. Most A.A.s are
happy and grateful to receive such a request.
An old A.A. saying suggests, “Stick with
the winners.” It’s only reasonable to seek a
sharing of experience with a member who seems
to be using the A.A. program successfully in
everyday life. There are no specific rules, but a
good sponsor probably should be a year or more
away from the last drink — and should seem to be
enjoying sobriety.
BE WELL
AA member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: United Kingdom.
Posts: 3,007
No it is not food for thought at all.
The AA approved literature will answer any questions you have.
This forum is about Alcoholism not about AA.There is an Alcoholism 12 step support forum,any questions you have will be answered there.
The AA approved literature will answer any questions you have.
This forum is about Alcoholism not about AA.There is an Alcoholism 12 step support forum,any questions you have will be answered there.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: C.C. Ma.
Posts: 3,697
Originally Posted by heath480 
No it is not food for thought at all.
The AA approved literature will answer any questions you have.
This forum is about Alcoholism not about AA.There is an Alcoholism 12 step support forum,any questions you have will be answered there.
The AA approved literature will answer any questions you have.
This forum is about Alcoholism not about AA.There is an Alcoholism 12 step support forum,any questions you have will be answered there.
By the way I can think of only one organization that has helped more alcoholics than probably all others combined.
BE WELL
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
Originally Posted by AAnoob
Interestingly, I heard this at the AA meeting today, and this one lady said, "when a sponsor tells you to stand on your head, you should do it".
She was basically telling newcomers to stop questioning their sponsors and the program, and do what they are told, because 'obviously' their way did not work.
food for thought...
She was basically telling newcomers to stop questioning their sponsors and the program, and do what they are told, because 'obviously' their way did not work.
food for thought...
Do you seriously think newcomers are this dumb to not see she is dead wrong? In fact, any new comers who do believe such dumbness are in trouble in more ways then just alcoholism. You know, there is no remedy for stupid. Life happens.
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
Originally Posted by RobbyRobot
Another thread on sponsorship, Noob?!
Personally, I think you are presenting as one with an agenda since you keep bringing the topic up...
Personally, I think you are presenting as one with an agenda since you keep bringing the topic up...
The typical response to such criticism is along the lines of, "See? I told you that you can't speak openly about AA (or whatever the relevant issue is) without people getting defensive!"
I'm certain that had I chosen to concentrate on other people's behaviors in AA and then go about criticizing them in a safe place to do so, I'd still be drinking.
Frankly, I've read enough. Lots of goofy folks in AA, just like everywhere else, and lots of goofy behaviors. For many of us who achieved sobriety in AA, all of that craziness becomes just so much noise in the system and an occasional minor annoyance when the focus turns to getting sober.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 100
Originally Posted by RobbyRobot
Another thread on sponsorship, Noob?!
Personally, I think you are presenting as one with an agenda since you keep bringing the topic up...
What do you think?
Personally, I think you are presenting as one with an agenda since you keep bringing the topic up...
What do you think?
Just sharing an insightful article that might be helpful to other AA newcomers.
Seems like you have an agenda to defend AA in every possible way (often in a twisted fashion) as shown by your bizzare response to the article in my 'dogma' thread.
My other thread on 'picking out a sponsor' was in the 'newcomers' section,
which does not allow any form of criticism of recovery method.
"Debates over Recovery Methods are not allowed"
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...t-sponsor.html
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 100
Originally Posted by RobbyRobot
Do you seriously think newcomers are this dumb to not see she is dead wrong? In fact, any new comers who do believe such dumbness are in trouble in more ways then just alcoholism. You know, there is no remedy for stupid. Life happens.
In fact, another lady said a similar thing at tonight's meeting, that she should just listen to her sponsor, do what she says, and stop question her.
(she had 8 years of on and off)
I like both of these ladies actually. They seem to be honest in what they felt was the right way to approach the sponsor/sponsee relationship. And I respect what they have to say.
If you think they are just dumb,
well, .....
anyways, feel like I am talking to a wall....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 100
Originally Posted by heath480
The AA approved literature will answer any questions you have.
somehow, I don't buy that.
AA approved literature are approved by AA believers.
It shows an obvious bias.
BTW, my Christian friends also tell me that the Bible will answer any questions I have about life.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 2,126
Originally Posted by AAnoob
...AA approved literature are approved by AA believers. It shows an obvious bias.
The term 'AA approved literature' only means that the specific literature is published/printed by AAWS.........thazit.
(o:
NoelleR
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,359
AAnoob brings up a good point. I am going to work up the nerve to go just so I can't say I don't have a lesser problem with someone who is in. I have seen some things said that just drive me nuts though. Like if you see a crime committed in a meeting room you have to ask your sponsor what to do about it. Or someone with 2 years already under their belt is scolded because they don't pray right. Does anyone really have the right to interlope on that relationship?
I know I gravitate to any evidence that would support that I shouldn't go so there is that. Seriously though explain these attitudes. I have read some of the AA stickies and words do not seem to be matching up in actions.
I know I gravitate to any evidence that would support that I shouldn't go so there is that. Seriously though explain these attitudes. I have read some of the AA stickies and words do not seem to be matching up in actions.
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
Originally Posted by AAnoob
If you think they are just dumb,
well, .....
anyways, feel like I am talking to a wall....
well, .....
anyways, feel like I am talking to a wall....
You know, I want to respect your feelings about me, but I doubt your being straight with me, its more like I'm dealing with your projections, and that is my opinion of our interactions. I've also seen how you talk with others who are not in agreement with you on your opinions on other peoples opinions and other peoples experiences...
However as that may be, it is not my intention you feel like your talking to a wall when we exchange posts, Noob. I'm unsure how to remedy your experience with me, except perhaps to continue to extend my openness to your feelings about me.
As for people being dumb... and no cure for stupid...
Some people just refuse to think for themselves enough to readily take honest advantage of great opportunities laid out for them served up by nothing less than life itself. These routine refusals come at cost to the people doing the refusing because it leaves them with talking the talk but not walking the walk. They drown in ignorance and selfishness of their own making, and yet continue to point out the problems they supposedly perceive in others who offer them a helping hand in life.
None are more blind than those who refuse to see...
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: PA
Posts: 12,000
against my better judgement...
My sponsor is an idiot. But I love him to death. I listen. We have very different viewpoints of life and the world. My biggest hurdle with the 'program' was all this God stuff. I have adapted to the program. My sponsor has adapted to me.
He has criticized me for some things - I am always open to feedback. But has always done so in private and in a positive way. I admire this man. My reasoning for choosing this sponsor was because we were so different. I hope that means something to others reading. I needed someone who didn't think like I did. If everyone liked the color green we'd all be driving around in green cars and living in green houses. Wouldn't that suck?
The "If your sponsor tells you to stand on your head..." should be taken metaphorically. And the ask your sponsor before you take any action... I think most of us have at least a little common sense - I hope. All I know is this guy was way worse a drunk than I'll ever be. He hasn't had a drink in a long time. And he is one of the most spirited individuals I've come across in a long time.
He must be some sort of a genius.
There are no hard and fast rules. Roby Robot, maybe he thinks you're a wall because your avatar resembles a wall? Gosh, if I just looked at the pictures...
He has criticized me for some things - I am always open to feedback. But has always done so in private and in a positive way. I admire this man. My reasoning for choosing this sponsor was because we were so different. I hope that means something to others reading. I needed someone who didn't think like I did. If everyone liked the color green we'd all be driving around in green cars and living in green houses. Wouldn't that suck?
The "If your sponsor tells you to stand on your head..." should be taken metaphorically. And the ask your sponsor before you take any action... I think most of us have at least a little common sense - I hope. All I know is this guy was way worse a drunk than I'll ever be. He hasn't had a drink in a long time. And he is one of the most spirited individuals I've come across in a long time.
He must be some sort of a genius.
There are no hard and fast rules. Roby Robot, maybe he thinks you're a wall because your avatar resembles a wall? Gosh, if I just looked at the pictures...
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 405
Originally Posted by AAnoob
Interestingly, I heard this at the AA meeting today, and this one lady said, "when a sponsor tells you to stand on your head, you should do it".
She was basically telling newcomers to stop questioning their sponsors and the program, and do what they are told, because 'obviously' their way did not work.
food for thought...
She was basically telling newcomers to stop questioning their sponsors and the program, and do what they are told, because 'obviously' their way did not work.
food for thought...
Working With Others, Alcoholics Anonymous
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Zion, Illinois
Posts: 3,411
Originally Posted by AAnoob
Interestingly, I heard this at the AA meeting today, and this one lady said, "when a sponsor tells you to stand on your head, you should do it".
She was basically telling newcomers to stop questioning their sponsors and the program, and do what they are told, because 'obviously' their way did not work.
food for thought...
She was basically telling newcomers to stop questioning their sponsors and the program, and do what they are told, because 'obviously' their way did not work.
food for thought...
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
Originally Posted by LBrain
There are no hard and fast rules. Roby Robot, maybe he thinks you're a wall because your avatar resembles a wall? Gosh, if I just looked at the pictures...
I think his meaning has more to do with his take on my measured responses to his comments than anything else.
My avatar for me its about living life out-of-the-box... no walls outside of the box... that sort of thing that goes with freedom of thought...
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