Michael66

Hi MP

I can relate. This is one area that I probably differ from my AA friends. I found that to give up I needed to come to terms with embracing sobriety for life. To be honest I found that harder than the physical giving up. It took me a long time to accept it. To begin with I accepted it reluctantly, but as a necessity. Over time I started to see it more positively and now I love the idea of a life without alcohol (with just the occasional wistful moment). So when I gave up I soon signed a one year pledge and then at the end of that I signed a lifetime pledge. I know that is a different approach to some. It's one I am very comfortable with, but that doesn't mean that it must be right for everyone.

God bless,

Michael

MaxxPower

Thx Joe Nerv, felt good reading this..

MaxxPower

^^^opps. Still haven't gotten the hang of writing on message boards.

MaxxPower

Itchy, your posts are outstanding. Keep'em coming! Truly enjoy reading them..

If you don't mind me asking, what ''tools'' did you use in your first year of recovery?

MaxxPower

hehe. This made me laugh I sold my CBR600cc a couple years back. There allot of fun. Been thinking about getting another bike, but i dunno. Its not something that would make me happy right now. Maybe though..i'm focusing on my recovery for now. No drama.

BTW, your really lucky you didn't blow the engine on that dirt bike. There not meant for running wide open like that for long period's of time.

Itchy

Thanks MP! Nice of you to say so.
MP,
I could not break free on my own. I was smoking three packs of cigarettes a day, and drinking 30 - 40 plus units of alcohol a day from waking to sleep. It wasn't until 2009 and 2010 that I started waking up shaking so much that I could not hold a cup of coffee with one hand. The last year went by very quickly. I was vomiting or dry heaving too. I was not drinking to slurring my speech or falling down, but I was at the point where my buzz took more and more to get to and maintain.

I did not drive and became a recluse kind of. I have five acres and as long as My wife who still drinks picked up my beer I was fine. I retired at 45 so didn't have to go anywhere.

Anyway, I desperately wanted to quit and every morning swore tomorrow was the day. I knew it. I had quit smoking for 18 months, almost 20 years previously, and went back because I just wanted to see what the high felt like because smokers don't get dizzy. Within two weeks I was back to my two packs a day habit. I never managed to quit again until I found myself stuck with alcohol. But I swore to myself if I could ever get clean of smokes I would never go back, relapse, try just one, not ever! I hated smoking. I hated my drinking then too. I was powerless. Then I found an in hospital detox I qualified for at the VA because of my military service, and decided that with a 7 day detox the easy way, I could quit for good. No half way measures, no conditions like until I get nervous, something goes wrong, or I just am bored. NO conditions just never again, not one.

I figured why waste a perfectly good detox on just one drug I was addicted to. Against the advice of the counselors I quit both but did stay on patches for a year. But I quit both successfully. I am still so proud of myself just to myself, do not need others to be proud for me, or reinforce it.

I detoxed, then quit the 28 day follow on rehab, as I knew I did not need it, I had my head start. Besides, I had a home and food and was taking up a bed another vet might need who was homeless. Several of them said they were there only for three hots and a cot as they called it. Oh the fuss the staff there made insuring that they all told me I would not last and that they would see me again. Nope.

I then used counseling, and SR within a few days b3ecause I had some serious physical PAWS going on. And a few panic attacks, which I had never had before, and I was over 50 then! Then despite a very bad first meeting with AA while in Rehab, one of the folks here told me to just go to several meetings that they aren't all like a group of ex cons. I found a nice AA home group that were more like me which was important to me then. Now I could have gotten something out of that meeting I hated. But I needed to get off my high horse and realize that it gets a lot of every type, class, income level, and lifestyle. I wasn't so much judgmental as frightened of people very different than me. Now I know that we all have the same things in common about our alcoholism, regardless of how special we think we are at first.

I also have good medical care and had my doc fully read into what I was doing and how much. Had my family and friends read in too. Unlike many, my family and friends were not alcoholics. I never was a bar person. Nor one to get loud to impress. I quit AA after three months as I got what I needed from them with face to face friends and support. Then I stayed here and really didn't need here or anything much after a year. Really though, since I was never one day at a time, in my mind I was finally free! I could go places, drive at any hour of the day or night with impunity! I never have to worry if I have enough alcohol to last me . . . I can go to family holidays where no one butt me drank and no longer be the drinking uncle. Most folks marveled that I drank so much and never showed it. Tolerance only. MY body was going down fast.

I was almost too late. But I came out of it with no real damage - knock on wood. I had no blood pressure issues of cholesterol, or any other late 40s early 50s dis-eases except alcoholism.

I really never had a craving from day one. Only was tempted to go back once or twice to end the panic attacks ( right my big two panic attacks whoopee!) and once to get my sleep back in order.

But then logic prevailed when I realized that if I did, I would have to go through it all again! These were split second thoughts and answers internally, not cravings.

See, I hated alcohol and tobacco. I hated the taste by that point, and I wanted to be rid of both forever!

With SR and a little help from my friends, I left all the hard stuff behind in that detox ward at the VA Hospital. I went back a year later and thanked all for helping me to save my life. Funny, they weren't very interested once they realized I made it despite them telling me I would not last a week by myself.

If it took more I'd have done it no matter what. See I was dying to quit.

Like2Hike

Those are powerful words, Itchy. Thank you.