HeySoulSista

Hey... for those of you who have been sober for a year or so.....

I have only been dating this guy for a little over a month. He told me he had been sober 5 years on the first date or on the phone. However... he had a binge drinking episode a couple of times in the last month and he lied to my face about a can of beer I found in his car. I confronted him and he admitted it was his. (duh)... So I told him he better get to rehab and get sober if he wants to date me. I was surprised to find out that he had one more glorious binge after that and did put himself in rehab. I am proud of him for doing that. But I also know he has been there at least one time before.
My Dad was an alcoholic for about 15 years... he went to rehab twice.
So.. I get it that he could be back ......again and again. I really like him a lot... but I am not sure what to do.... ordinarily if I had known I would not date anyone who had not been sober a year at least.

But I promised to stick by him at least the next two months. However, I am afraid of getting too close...

Yes he is meeting himself out. He is responsible with his job. I do not know what to do. My heart says love him and my mind says... wait a while and pulll back a lot. Make him prove himself and be friends. What say you? (we are both divorced, I have little kids he has big kids.)

I know he needs a lot of space. Also he is on a dating site some, saying he is just giving them "polite nos" because he is seeing me. But ... I was born at night but not last night. It will take a while for me to trust him fully. I am sure he is not dating... but I feel like he may be collecting emails for just in case I dump him.
Oh yeah... I have been to codependents anonymouns and Al anon and ACA so I am pretty aware of the 12 step thing. But my issue is I have given my heart too soon, too fast to someone who does not deserve it on more than one occasion. I have been cheated on and hurt, lied to and gullible. I have little kids to protect. But I agreed to be his girlfriend before I knew the truth. Already have feelings for him.

Really don't know what to do.

.

Pipefish

Your instinct to be friends, and keep it that way, until you trust, and his sober time develops is an excellent one. If it were me, I'd go with that....for a good long time

He has already betrayed your trust. That's not a good sign.

There are lots of men in the world. When I'm attracted to someone with particular 'history', I need to look at my own history, to assess whether that attraction is healthy, or it's speaking mainly to my 'stuff'...again

Wish you well. Take care of yourself

Dee74

HeySoulSista

This guy might indeed straighten himself out and be an awesome partner...but from your post it sounds like he's not there yet.

I think you're right to hold back.

D

HeySoulSista

Yeah my problem is we already bonded ... before I knew the truth... so pulling back is hard. His good points are he expresses his feelings very well, in a rare way for a man. But bad points.. obvious.. that alcoholics lie when actively drinking and deveolop the habit of lying...so it makes me wonder if he can just drop the habit of lying or not.

He seems like a keeper in a lot of ways but I am so completely tired of heartbreak and surprises ...

Taking5

I think your instinct to pull back is solid. Don't doubt yourself.

Please explain this though:

What on earth does this mean? This might as well be written in Klingon. I have no idea what you are talking about.

GreenEggsAndHam

Move on before it comes 2,3,4,5 months of the same. JMO.

KateL

I had one who used to browse dating sites and every other site for that matter, talking to women online. I ran a mile a couple of weeks ago. xxxxx

sugarbear1

How does one fall in love in one month?

Hawkeye13

Bonded or not, this person hasn't been honest with you and is very early in his recovery.

Better to step back now and let him focus on his sobriety.
If you are tired of heartbreak already, this is no relationship for you at this time.
I'm speaking as a recovering alcoholic and as a person who thought they could "save" several other addicts during my life.

Best to you

doggonecarl

Okay, I'll come out and say it. Why in the world would you stay involved with alcoholic who's failing in his recovery? It's been a month. Cut your losses. Spare yourself the drama of a disfunctional relationship; or ask yourself, why am I picking these kind of men and what do I really want out of this?

Music

If I were you, I'd pay attention to your fear. It's healthy in this case. You mentioned giving your "heart too soon". You can take your heart back but the time you waste waiting for him to MAYBE get sober, the fear, the doubts, the distrust and disappointment of what may happen while you wait, you can't take back. Cut your losses!

GreenEggsAndHam

Lying is a huge red flag. Also, as someone who is with a very emotionally expressive man, this can actually be a manipulative trait.

If you are tired of heartbreak and surprises after only four weeks, imagine months to years of it. There are other fish in the sea - some of them healthy to boot!

HeySoulSista

reply... collecting emails: when someone says ... thanks for your interest, I am dating someone... but he is still contacting them, or getting an email address to write down for the future. I have no idea if he is doing that... but I have heard of it.

HeySoulSista

I picked him based completely on a sport that we share and that we have a few friends in common. i had no idea about the alcoholism. So it is not a pattern... my last relationship was with a man who never drinks at all.

HeySoulSista

I did not say I was in love with him. I say I care about him.

Love has to be demonstrated over time... and there have been way too many surprises for that to develop. When i say.. love him.. I mean in the more..be loving sense... rather than expect him to fail sense. But I have not even seen him since that day he lied to me about the beer in the shopping bag and I told him to go to rehab, and he did..put himself in. He has been out for a few days but he lives very far away and I am very busy. So we have not seen each other. We talk on the phone a lot...

However... we all have friends who struggle with addiction with repeated relapses...so it is hard to love, tough love... all of that.

I am being supportive and telling him I am proud of him for his meetings, going to rehab, etc... but it is not like a hot and heavy thing from this distance. It may be more like a I will see how you are doing a year from now ... thing. I can not tell.

HeySoulSista

I am tired of heartbreak from previous relationships... this one, I am not bonded enough to be in heartbreak mode.

For instance, I was lied to terribly by my ex husband, and he did not ever drink...

So.. yeah.. it does sound like an uphill chance rather than an easy go of it... I see that. I guess I am hoping he gets it together and maybe after a year of recovery we can see what we see. I am still in shock, I guess.

TigerLili

He's lying to you, in active addiction and actively engaging with other women on a dating site.

Those are the facts, no matter how we might like to justify them or dress them up.

Early dating is about sizing someone up and deciding if they are a good fit. He's not a good fit.

HeySoulSista

I talked to him about being sober for at least 6 months before dating me or anyone. Even though he has been through the sober thing before... so I friend zoned him. We do enjoy a sport together which I need some backup to do safely. So we will continue to hang out and do the sport.. which is what attracted me to him in the first place. He knows I know the tough love thing all too well. I did not bother to mention the dating site because I care more about seeing him 6 months sober than worrying about whatever his other addictions are. I think a lot of people are addicted to those dating sites...truly. So it is not surprising that he would have co-addictions.

suki44883

It sounds like you're determined to do whatever you want to do regardless of what anyone here says, so all I can say is good luck.

Longpasttime

At least wait and be careful. There are some big time red flags here. Lying? Not good. I'm not huge into internet dating but the one site i have been on lets you hide your profile at any time. No need for "polite no's".

I am being supportive and telling him I am proud of him for his meetings, going to rehab, etc... but it is not like a hot and heavy thing from this distance. It may be more like a I will see how you are doing a year from now ... thing.

This part sounds okay. JMO