hollypeno

I have a question, and l'm not sure who to ask. My husband is an alcoholic, and we are getting divorced. We have a small child. I am trying to decide if he's really recovering or continuing to hide it and lie about it. I want to believe him, but l've been through that too many times to count; his words mean nothing. I really don't want to be part of his life anymore, and l would love to mind my own business. But he's abusive, and trying to get unsupervised visitation. He's only been sober 6-months, if that's the truth. I guess what l am asking is how do l know? Our daughter is only 3. What would you do, if you were in my situation, knowing alcoholism as you do? What should l look for? If he's really working on himself and not drinking, l should have faith that our daughter isn't in harm's way, right?

Dee74

Hi and welcome to this side of the boards Holly.

I haven't read any of your other threads but for me the crux of the matter is this sentence

I'm not sure what abusive means in this context, but only you know your husband.

I think it's a safety issue not an alcoholic one, as such.

if you have the slightest suspicion your daughter will not be in safe hands, then there's your answer..

D

Music

I agree with D. Matter of fact, I wouldn't allow unsupervised visits for five years.

matt4x4

I have family and friends who are alcoholics. 6 months means nothing. Look for his actions. If he is working the AA program, by 6 months he should be well into the 12 steps if not done. If he is done then he would have made ammends to you by now. So if he hasnt who knows what he is doing or if he is taking this seriously enough. Maybe he hasnt done anything, no step work, nothing except perhaps go to a few meetings, making it look good. Many people try to get sober for other people. But they must get sober for themselves only. Who really knows what is going on. All I can say is go to Alanon and speak to the members there. Read their literature. Make an informed decision rather then an impromptu unrational decision. Abusive is so general and broad in scope. Does he hit you physically, does he hurt you mentally or your feelings get dinged, does he hurt the kids in order to hurt you, the list is endless. So broad in scope. Well you said you want to go seperate ways. Then do it. If thats what you want to do then do it. Its not uncommon for relationships to break apart when one is actually working a program of recovery because the other people involved are codependant and enablers. This means you both play a part in the problem, its never one-sided. If you have played this game for so long, yet you continue to play the game. Its been how long now of doing the same thing over and over again. Its on you.

angstfull

Agree completely with Matt and I'm saying this as an alcoholic. Your childs safety should be #1 priority. You can guess all you want about whether he's serious or not but I agree with others that is not the point. Focus on your role as a parent and what is right for you child.

jutam

If hes sober and working his programme, he will understand your mistrust and allow drug / alcohol testing before access surely? this could be done through an agency or by agreement. I wouldn't allow unsupervised visits without this as a back up.... but im staunch like that!

Don't gamble your daughter, alcoholics lie all the time especially to hide their drinking.... they cant help it.....