freethinking

I just feel so angry. I am sober right now, but don't see that lasting til tonight. The anger I feel at everything is just so overwhelming, that I don't feel like dealing with it. And my head - I feel like I am strung out on coke. I feel like my mind is a too-tightly wound guitar string, about to snap. And I feel stuck. I have 3 kids that I just cannot feel I can handle (and yes, I know - they did not ask to be born, etc....I am just venting and need to let this out somewhere). My one kid, who is almost 5, still pees her pants almost every day. This morning she shat all over the toilet seat and left toilet paper all over the floor (and I have taken her to a psychologist and talked to her pediatrician about it....and they both just say she will grow out of it and not to make a big deal about it). I feel like I am going to be wiping a$$es for the rest of my life. Or the homework every night - I HATE doing it! How did I end up with this many kids? Why did I think it was a good idea to have this many when I never fully got my drinking under control?

My husband has thrown me out for my drinking before, but this time I just feel like walking out. I absolutely hate this life I have created for myself. I got married in my 20s and immediately had these kids because I thought I wanted to recreate the Brady Bunch life that I never had. But, the truth is I had no idea how to do that.

I know, I know - stop feeling sorry for myself and be a mother to these kids. I just don't feel I can do this any longer. I cannot fathom this being my life for 18 more years. I certainly can't imagine doing it sober.

doggonecarl

The cycle of despair is as disabling as drinking...and both are tightly enmeshed.

Sorry you are suffering.

silentrun

Anger seems to be pretty common. It's OK to be angry and it's OK to vent. The only thing you have to worry about is acting on it. Sometimes I like to exaggerate my anger in my head to the point that it gets comical. Kind of a self parody. Sometimes no matter what you do you are just stuck there. The first part of this is rough but look at you doing it.

toddle118

Oh dear, I do feel for you...it must be terribly hard.

Could you go to your dr about how youre feeling? You know drinking wont solve the problem, I dont need to tell you that. Could any family members take the kids off your hands for a while? I dont know what to suggest hun, except resist those urges minute by minute.

Ghostlight1

We live in an imperfect world, that is not always fair. We've all had our ups and downs. My downs were self-created by consumption of alcohol.
I'm sorry you're having such a rough time right now, but things could always be worse. And drinking isn't going to make anything bettter.

I feel for you, and best to you.

RobbyRobot

It's not really about feeling sorry for yourself. If you did walk away from it all, husband and children, how do you then see life for you going forward? Can you talk about how life would be different? Would it be more worthwhile? Such a discussion is important I think. Perhaps not. What do you think?

alphaomega

(((free)))

Lets just call it like it is, raising children is A TOUGH tough tough TOUGH job. I get it, I'm overwhelmed with one. When you are putting your heart and soul into trying to do the very best you can, its exhausting to say the least.

Its OK to feel this. It's OK to sit with it and its damn OK to own and it and scream out "I'm done, I can't, what have I done, Jesus take the wheel". Hell. some days its hard enough to find your own @ss with both hands, much less be responsible for wiping anothers.

ANd its ok to feel like somedays you want to run away and live off love and hickory bark in the wilderness so long as you are ALONE and no one is asking you to wipe their butts..

However...

Those little faces are a gift . See the smiles. See how you have done such a great job already. See your love and influence being reflected back to you from their eyes. They don't come with instruction manuals, and they are imperfect. And sticky. And needy.

So sticky. Soooooo needy.

See how they have helped you to grow and stretch outside your comfort zones. And what YOU have become and overcome in their rearing. Focus on any tiny little positive that you can.

And then, go and wash your hands...

Splash some cold water on your face. Chins up and shoulders back. Deep breath and realize, YOU ARE DOING THIS AND YOU ARE DOING IT RIGHT. Right for your own truth.

You got this.

XO AO

FeelingGreat

freethinking, you drinking is fuelling your problems, and possibly contributing to your children's behaviour. It sounds like you need strong support for everybody's sake, because even if you don't drink your anger and white-knuckling will still create a sad stressed home life.
Can you access some help with the drinking along with family therapy? I know you're not a bad person, or you wouldn't be posting here, but sometimes we can't do it all on our own.
I wasn't a terribly attached mother myself, not like the others around me, but it is possible to create a calm atmosphere if you can get some support.

whiskeyman

you need an awakening to the great things you do have.

Crossfitdad

I can understand your frustration. However, take joy in your children. Get outside and do something with them. I never wanted kids..but when I did, I learned that they are a God Blessing.

Nonsensical

Seems then, that your thinking isn't altogether free. It is enslaved to alcohol, that you can't imagine living without.

Been there, done that.

Hang in there, mom, it gets better. And (you probably won't belive this) you're gonna miss days like this.

Raider

Hmmmmmmmmm. Not really liking to share this but I will. In my 20's, I started my drinking career. I was so stupid. Got pregnant four times. Killed all four of them before they were born. Now 30 years later I get to live with what I did. I'm devastated that that is what I chose. You gave life. Very proud of you. Now you must complete the job. They depend on you and you simply must be there for them. I wish I would have done that for mine. Blessings.

freethinking

I had a long discussion with my husband this morning. I told him I just couldn't do this anymore, and I could not imagine life getting better. I said I wanted to leave.

He said he had no idea I was so severely depressed, and that what I was saying was inconsistent with how I talk 90% of the year. So, like a typical man, he began to search for solutions to the issue. In this instance, I am grateful he was so "solution oriented". I saw an addictions therapist about a year ago - we decided I needed to go to him again. My gut tells me this will help tremendously. On top of my drinking issues, I just need someone i can talk to about my other problems too.

I feel much better now. I feel like maybe there is an end in sight, because what I have been doing wasn't working.

freethinking

Thanks for sharing that. I know that must have been difficult to express.

freethinking

I say this with total tongue in cheek, but I want to kill people like you who tell me I will miss these days!

GracieLou

Free,

I know where you are hun. I do. I have been there. I had two children before I was 22 years old. Their dad and I divorced and then I was alone at 23 with the two kids except for failed relationships that seemed to come one after another.

I felt if I didn’t have these kids and I could make my life work.

It was not until I truly got sober that I could see how the drinking warped my thinking. I am so glad now that I never followed through on the thought I had of taking them to their fathers for the weekend and never going back. I just wanted to run away from it all. I always felt alone and that no one really cared and there was nobody to help me. The burden felt so heavy most of the time. I guess that is one of these reasons I considered myself a functional alcoholic because I did keep them and raise them so I must not have been that bad but I was. I really was. I was not there for them emotionally and sometimes physically. When they got old enough I was off to the bars again.

If you can get sober I can pretty much guarantee your thinking will change about your children. I know mine did. Mine our grown and I regret some of the time that seemed to go by all to slow when they were little but really went by so fast. I can’t go back but I can be an example now.

The first step is to stop drinking and get some help. There is a big difference between sober and dry. Dry is restless, irritable and discontent. It hurts and it send us back to the only way we know how to feel better or not feel at all.

We are here and we understand.

freethinking

Thanks Gracie,

I think for me, the problem has been I have been stopping drinking for days or a few, but not really addressing what is wrong "upstairs". For me, my gut instinct tells me I started drinking due to depression. The depression is not being adressed, even with small bouts of sobriety.

You may not believe this, but when I am sober (and I mean mentally fit), I take pride in my little brood and running my household. But for weeks, I could not even remember a time where I ever felt that. All I enjoyed was "sleep".

jdooner

Sorry I did not refresh and looks like you are one your way. I was suggesting an addiction therapist it helped me. I had written the following before I saw several posts:

I think you are living in a fantasy World full of mirages. You fantasize about life free of responsibility to be young again but my guess is once you loose your kids, your marriage and the fantasy becomes a reality you are going to have massive regrets. We want what we don't have.

Whether your marriage and family work or not is really not up to you though. Its out of your control and you are going to loose everything, this seems fairly obvious and you will have three children that resent you for the better part of their lives. Its not too late to turn things around but you can't do it while active - that is a fact. You just lack the mental capacity to make the right decisions as an active alcoholic - no matter how intelligent you are.

So you need to get sober. My guess is sober some of these issues you wrestle with will be trivial sober and some will go away and the big ones will remain. Then with a clear head you can make the tough life changing decisions that you need to face.

For some reason you seem to focus time and again about going to Z from A and get tripped up at B. Try reducing the variables and focus on one thing - staying sober for today. Then tomorrow do the same. Over time all this other stuff will become clear.

AA does not seem to be working for you. What about finding a therapist that specializes in addiction? What about entering a rehab - this might be a good solution for you right now. 30 day program with sober living house to build some time?

BTW - My journey is similar to yours and I really relate to what you are going through. My comments are from my experience.

Raider

I agree with JDooner. If the grass is greener on the other side......water your side.

GreenEggsAndHam

This is critical, IMO. I've stopped drinking for short periods of time before but was always a miserable, depressed, short-fused mess when I did. This time I'm in IOP with group therapy, see a psych and am on meds for anxiety, doing AA with sponsor and really working the program this time with faith which I didn't have before in AA (dropped out and drank again). I actually do feel a serenity that I never have and know it will only get better. There really is so much more going on than just the drink or drug. I feel for you!