Me again - still angry
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Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
Originally Posted by freethinking 
I had a long discussion with my husband this morning. I told him I just couldn't do this anymore, and I could not imagine life getting better. I said I wanted to leave.
He said he had no idea I was so severely depressed, and that what I was saying was inconsistent with how I talk 90% of the year. So, like a typical man, he began to search for solutions to the issue. In this instance, I am grateful he was so "solution oriented". I saw an addictions therapist about a year ago - we decided I needed to go to him again. My gut tells me this will help tremendously. On top of my drinking issues, I just need someone i can talk to about my other problems too.
I feel much better now. I feel like maybe there is an end in sight, because what I have been doing wasn't working.
He said he had no idea I was so severely depressed, and that what I was saying was inconsistent with how I talk 90% of the year. So, like a typical man, he began to search for solutions to the issue. In this instance, I am grateful he was so "solution oriented". I saw an addictions therapist about a year ago - we decided I needed to go to him again. My gut tells me this will help tremendously. On top of my drinking issues, I just need someone i can talk to about my other problems too.
I feel much better now. I feel like maybe there is an end in sight, because what I have been doing wasn't working.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Essex
Posts: 411
Whatever else, your husband loves you. That is an excellent thing, and can only help you on your way
No pearls of wisdom here re your children - realised early on in life I'd neither the patience or resources...cats are my limit
- but I admire your courage for not really knowing how, but wanting to do it anyway, and if you can love them today (or for the next five minutes!!) you're winning
One thing you do have, shown by the fact you keep posting here....huge determination, and a pretty strong will (now that, can go either way) but use them to good ends, hang in there, and don't give up
Good luck with the therapist, and wish you well
No pearls of wisdom here re your children - realised early on in life I'd neither the patience or resources...cats are my limit
- but I admire your courage for not really knowing how, but wanting to do it anyway, and if you can love them today (or for the next five minutes!!) you're winningOne thing you do have, shown by the fact you keep posting here....huge determination, and a pretty strong will (now that, can go either way
) but use them to good ends, hang in there, and don't give upGood luck with the therapist, and wish you well
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 63
Except for the drinking my daughter had the same problem with her 5 year old daughter! Pooping all over the Toliet peeing in bed every single night and sometimes during the day. She had it a bit worse darling grandchild painted the walls with her poop till she was like three. Goodnews she doesn't do either anymore and she is six now.
I was a drunk and daughter would still call crying, I would tell her this will pass..I wasn't sure really thought granddaughter had deep issues but never spoke that out loud. Told her to follow doctors advice of not making a big deal out of it which daughter did to the best of her ability and believe me sometimes she did not react calm but screaming at grand daughters bsthroom antics. Again Daughter does NOT drink and she the while dealing with this she FELT like a faulre as a mom she has other children to and the mess and tatrums her youngest was throwing was making the other kids....edgy also so the house was in a bit of turmoil. She would call crying and said she should just drink I would say no don't drink don't be like me please don't.
I say to you as a ex drunk and loving granny now don't drink...raising kids is sooooo hard and I wish I could go back and be a sober mom. Thank god I'm a sober granny.
Im glad you have a supportive husband and getting help HUGS. Oh and my daughter thought her youngest would not be able to start school cause of the bathroom problems but grand daughter is fine....no bathroom issues at all.
I was a drunk and daughter would still call crying, I would tell her this will pass..I wasn't sure really thought granddaughter had deep issues but never spoke that out loud. Told her to follow doctors advice of not making a big deal out of it which daughter did to the best of her ability and believe me sometimes she did not react calm but screaming at grand daughters bsthroom antics. Again Daughter does NOT drink and she the while dealing with this she FELT like a faulre as a mom she has other children to and the mess and tatrums her youngest was throwing was making the other kids....edgy also so the house was in a bit of turmoil. She would call crying and said she should just drink I would say no don't drink don't be like me please don't.
I say to you as a ex drunk and loving granny now don't drink...raising kids is sooooo hard and I wish I could go back and be a sober mom. Thank god I'm a sober granny.
Im glad you have a supportive husband and getting help HUGS. Oh and my daughter thought her youngest would not be able to start school cause of the bathroom problems but grand daughter is fine....no bathroom issues at all.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: East Coast, USA
Posts: 1,031
Originally Posted by Klp9999
Oh and my daughter thought her youngest would not be able to start school cause of the bathroom problems but grand daughter is fine....no bathroom issues at all.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3,359
FT - I went back and reread my response. It was too blunt and I am sorry. Perhaps something you said touched a nerve.
I can relate though, as I too thought I did not want my family life. I wanted to be young again. I wanted to be single and I wanted to go to clubs (btw - I am 40). I was empty inside and craved to be whole and drugs and alcohol did that for me and the bar and club lifestyle fed into my disease/disorder. I had one night stands, I drank and drugged with a purpose. I blew threw hundreds of thousands of dollars because I never felt worthy of the money in the first place. All of this was my disease though and not me, just my actions. I am an Alcoholic and an Addict.
Sobriety did not fix any of my issues. Sobriety allowed me to have a clear mind so that I could begin to fix me. I have had to take responsibility for my addictions even when active in my addictions. I don't know if my marriage will survive the damage I have done or if I even want it too. But I can tell you I would have regretted making a decision while active and would have regretted even more someone else making the decision for me.
I was lucky in the sense that I had a moment of clarity on an airplane when most of my best thoughts occur. I knew I could not continue and I reached out to a friend with 30 years of sobriety the next day. That was my first post. I got into an argument with Dee about how this **** is for the birds and these sober people are crazy. I had much fight in me, as I wrestled the drink away from myself. Its all here for anyone to read. I entered the doors of AA later that week and found a sponsor the following week. My sponsor talked me through some tough times in the early days when I literally pulled my car into the parking lots of package stores and bars. But I always called him first and didn't even realize I was surfing the urge by talking it out. When I heard the absurdity of my logic it helped the obsession pass temporarily.
The first month was a bit of a pink cloud experience that helped carry me to my second month. Month two was tough, I fought AA hard. The concept of a broken brain not fixing a broken brain sent me off the rails and blaming AA, despite this not being part of AA just an common AAism practiced by other sick people. I started to get really interested interested in why I was the way I was. I found a close friend I still have here on SR and she helped me too. I began seeking out others like Robby, Freshstart, and Joe that had many years and seemed knowledgable. I felt if I had to trust, which I have major issues with I may as well place some trust in guys with time and from what I could tell virtually had what I wanted.
I stopped lying around month two. I made a commitment not to embellish or lie about things. I realized this came from a dark place of insecurity. I began reading. I bought The Power of Now by Tolle and joined the Monthly support group of August 2013, my month. Another member turned me onto In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts and it was like the author knew me. I kept reading with a passion now. Highlighting certain passages and bookmarking, studying the book inside and out. Then I start to do more research on the biology and chemistry of addiction. I read medical journals and contacted a Neurosurgeon thatI play tennis with. I read more, Mindfulness for beginners, A New Earth, Awareness, Blink. Meanwhile my wife also got sober but we would not talk about each others sobriety. We had and have deep wounds from hurting each other but we are bonded by two of the most amazing children, two and five years old.
In month two I also got a therapist, my third now so I was not convinced he could help. He specialized in addiction and I began to build a trust with him. He kept me in AA, even though he disagrees with some parts. I trust him and believe he is genuine. He was able to provide perspective that seems so obvious but eluded me for most of my life.
Around month five I began to really tear down all my ideals and previous beliefs. I stopped fighting change and began to meditate daily. I started to grow leaps and bounds. I realized I had been brainwashed and practiced others’ beliefs, not my own because I did not understand or own them. This allowed some major growth and the ability to deal with obsessions.
I am at an airport in Florida finishing an amazing vacation with the family. My wife and I get along but there is no romance. This bothers me but I no longer yearn for the club or a twenty something lifestyle that I once did. I can trust the process at this point and am focusing on making me better - my side of the street. I am still working my steps but not religious about AA. I have developed a defined higher power and see it daily. Its more Buddhist than Catholic but is not formal either. This is a major stride for me. I was unaware of some of the daily changes but with perspective I can look back and see the strides, which are major over the past seven months.
I am still triggered and I am sure I will always have thoughts. Drinking was a part of my life for more than half of my years on earth. Seven months cannot wipe this away. But I have tools to deal with the thoughts and obsessions. I know a drink is a temporary fix and a long term break but inspire of this knowledge, I still hear Bob Marley on my deck overlooking the ocean in 75 degree weather and I want a drink. I need a drink. But what I give myself is 20 minutes of meditation.
None of this would have been possible if I did not put the drink down. I am not sure if any of this will seed with you but I wanted to share and apologize for a candid first response.
I can relate though, as I too thought I did not want my family life. I wanted to be young again. I wanted to be single and I wanted to go to clubs (btw - I am 40). I was empty inside and craved to be whole and drugs and alcohol did that for me and the bar and club lifestyle fed into my disease/disorder. I had one night stands, I drank and drugged with a purpose. I blew threw hundreds of thousands of dollars because I never felt worthy of the money in the first place. All of this was my disease though and not me, just my actions. I am an Alcoholic and an Addict.
Sobriety did not fix any of my issues. Sobriety allowed me to have a clear mind so that I could begin to fix me. I have had to take responsibility for my addictions even when active in my addictions. I don't know if my marriage will survive the damage I have done or if I even want it too. But I can tell you I would have regretted making a decision while active and would have regretted even more someone else making the decision for me.
I was lucky in the sense that I had a moment of clarity on an airplane when most of my best thoughts occur. I knew I could not continue and I reached out to a friend with 30 years of sobriety the next day. That was my first post. I got into an argument with Dee about how this **** is for the birds and these sober people are crazy. I had much fight in me, as I wrestled the drink away from myself. Its all here for anyone to read. I entered the doors of AA later that week and found a sponsor the following week. My sponsor talked me through some tough times in the early days when I literally pulled my car into the parking lots of package stores and bars. But I always called him first and didn't even realize I was surfing the urge by talking it out. When I heard the absurdity of my logic it helped the obsession pass temporarily.
The first month was a bit of a pink cloud experience that helped carry me to my second month. Month two was tough, I fought AA hard. The concept of a broken brain not fixing a broken brain sent me off the rails and blaming AA, despite this not being part of AA just an common AAism practiced by other sick people. I started to get really interested interested in why I was the way I was. I found a close friend I still have here on SR and she helped me too. I began seeking out others like Robby, Freshstart, and Joe that had many years and seemed knowledgable. I felt if I had to trust, which I have major issues with I may as well place some trust in guys with time and from what I could tell virtually had what I wanted.
I stopped lying around month two. I made a commitment not to embellish or lie about things. I realized this came from a dark place of insecurity. I began reading. I bought The Power of Now by Tolle and joined the Monthly support group of August 2013, my month. Another member turned me onto In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts and it was like the author knew me. I kept reading with a passion now. Highlighting certain passages and bookmarking, studying the book inside and out. Then I start to do more research on the biology and chemistry of addiction. I read medical journals and contacted a Neurosurgeon thatI play tennis with. I read more, Mindfulness for beginners, A New Earth, Awareness, Blink. Meanwhile my wife also got sober but we would not talk about each others sobriety. We had and have deep wounds from hurting each other but we are bonded by two of the most amazing children, two and five years old.
In month two I also got a therapist, my third now so I was not convinced he could help. He specialized in addiction and I began to build a trust with him. He kept me in AA, even though he disagrees with some parts. I trust him and believe he is genuine. He was able to provide perspective that seems so obvious but eluded me for most of my life.
Around month five I began to really tear down all my ideals and previous beliefs. I stopped fighting change and began to meditate daily. I started to grow leaps and bounds. I realized I had been brainwashed and practiced others’ beliefs, not my own because I did not understand or own them. This allowed some major growth and the ability to deal with obsessions.
I am at an airport in Florida finishing an amazing vacation with the family. My wife and I get along but there is no romance. This bothers me but I no longer yearn for the club or a twenty something lifestyle that I once did. I can trust the process at this point and am focusing on making me better - my side of the street. I am still working my steps but not religious about AA. I have developed a defined higher power and see it daily. Its more Buddhist than Catholic but is not formal either. This is a major stride for me. I was unaware of some of the daily changes but with perspective I can look back and see the strides, which are major over the past seven months.
I am still triggered and I am sure I will always have thoughts. Drinking was a part of my life for more than half of my years on earth. Seven months cannot wipe this away. But I have tools to deal with the thoughts and obsessions. I know a drink is a temporary fix and a long term break but inspire of this knowledge, I still hear Bob Marley on my deck overlooking the ocean in 75 degree weather and I want a drink. I need a drink. But what I give myself is 20 minutes of meditation.
None of this would have been possible if I did not put the drink down. I am not sure if any of this will seed with you but I wanted to share and apologize for a candid first response.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: North East, US
Posts: 2,310
Free I just want to give you the biggest hug. I'm a SAHM of two 8 and almost 5. I know the pressure to keep it all together. I know feeling of not being able to say out loud this is too much and not what I thought my life would look like. I've had my fair share of mommy dearest moments. But I'm not perfect and neither are you. It's ok to wave that white flag and say I'm overwhelmed and need a timeout.
I remember a time in the grocery store I was still actively drinking and must have looked a mess. My youngest was less then 2 at the time and histerically crying my 5 year old at the time was kicking can veggies off the shelf and rolling them down the isle like a bowling ball as shoppers were here bowling pins. I was exhausted crying and in the verge of a full breakdown in isle 9. An older woman apparently watching me wiped a tear from my cheek gave me a hug and said," I know you can't see it now but one day you'll laugh about this. I promise you it won't always be this hard. I promise you you're doing an amazing job even if no one thanks you. I promise you that you aren't alone in this even if you think you're the only one drowning in motherhood. I promise you that you have the strength to dig deep and keep doing it even when you don't want to anymore."
This woman's words were so true and have never left me. And there are great advise in getting sober as well. If you want a fighting chance at making your life look the way you want it to, you have to get sober!!!
While parenting sober is still a struggle some days the bad days are far less horrific and the good days are more rewarding then anything in this world.
I'm really proud of you for sharing your story, I really am.
I remember a time in the grocery store I was still actively drinking and must have looked a mess. My youngest was less then 2 at the time and histerically crying my 5 year old at the time was kicking can veggies off the shelf and rolling them down the isle like a bowling ball as shoppers were here bowling pins. I was exhausted crying and in the verge of a full breakdown in isle 9. An older woman apparently watching me wiped a tear from my cheek gave me a hug and said," I know you can't see it now but one day you'll laugh about this. I promise you it won't always be this hard. I promise you you're doing an amazing job even if no one thanks you. I promise you that you aren't alone in this even if you think you're the only one drowning in motherhood. I promise you that you have the strength to dig deep and keep doing it even when you don't want to anymore."
This woman's words were so true and have never left me. And there are great advise in getting sober as well. If you want a fighting chance at making your life look the way you want it to, you have to get sober!!!
While parenting sober is still a struggle some days the bad days are far less horrific and the good days are more rewarding then anything in this world.
I'm really proud of you for sharing your story, I really am.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,416
I have no experience to share as a parent but I wanted you to know you have my support.
It's only in the last few years I've really appreciated how much my folks did for me (I was a slow developer too - cerebral palsy in my case)
They weren't experts and they didn't always get it right but I know they did the best they could, often at some sacrifice, and I thank them for it now.
I'm sure your kids will too
D
It's only in the last few years I've really appreciated how much my folks did for me (I was a slow developer too - cerebral palsy in my case)
They weren't experts and they didn't always get it right but I know they did the best they could, often at some sacrifice, and I thank them for it now.
I'm sure your kids will too
D
Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah.
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,887
Morning Free - was thinkin bout you and reflecting on something Silent said to me at the very beginning of my sobriety. It was a lightbulb moment for me and I wanted to share it with you.
I was pissing and moaning about how hard my life was. And that there was no way I could get through all of the problems without the sweet oblivion alcohol was still fake promising ( that biotch kicked me to the curb a long long LONG time ago). I told her - There was no way in hell I could handle my life without alcohol !!!
Her response was "You can't handle your life BECAUSE of alcohol".
Damn if she wasn't spot on.
Life is still happening (thank God) with the same amount of trials and tribulations. Heck, maybe even more than before. But there is a fluidity and flow that seems to seep in when you put the plug in the jug,
It's still hard for me to wrap my head around that, given my supposed coping mechanism being gone. But I promise. It's an absolute truth.
If you feel so overwhelmed you are thinking about bailing, a stint in rehab might be just what you need ? Time away, for you. To work on you. So you can be the Brady Bunch momma that you really wanted to be.
XO AO
I was pissing and moaning about how hard my life was. And that there was no way I could get through all of the problems without the sweet oblivion alcohol was still fake promising ( that biotch kicked me to the curb a long long LONG time ago). I told her - There was no way in hell I could handle my life without alcohol !!!
Her response was "You can't handle your life BECAUSE of alcohol".
Damn if she wasn't spot on.
Life is still happening (thank God) with the same amount of trials and tribulations. Heck, maybe even more than before. But there is a fluidity and flow that seems to seep in when you put the plug in the jug,
It's still hard for me to wrap my head around that, given my supposed coping mechanism being gone. But I promise. It's an absolute truth.
If you feel so overwhelmed you are thinking about bailing, a stint in rehab might be just what you need ? Time away, for you. To work on you. So you can be the Brady Bunch momma that you really wanted to be.
XO AO
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 63
Don't strive to be the TV mommy no one can achieve that! I told my daughter if the kids are dressed fed, get some one on one time with ya and you don't beat them your a good mom. I hope you do go to counseling and get help with your drinking.
I know when I babysit my grandkids though I never drank while they were AWAKE which is how I justified my drinking when they were here not drinking while they were awake. Anyways...I found I didn't have much fun with them. Now not drinking I have a blast we bake cookies and cake and play and read and have a grand time I take each grandchild one weekend a month so they have special time with me. I'm just saying not drinking will change your outlook and make being a mom a lot easier. Things may still be chaotic but easier for you to handle.
I know when I babysit my grandkids though I never drank while they were AWAKE which is how I justified my drinking when they were here not drinking while they were awake. Anyways...I found I didn't have much fun with them. Now not drinking I have a blast we bake cookies and cake and play and read and have a grand time I take each grandchild one weekend a month so they have special time with me. I'm just saying not drinking will change your outlook and make being a mom a lot easier. Things may still be chaotic but easier for you to handle.
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Originally Posted by jdooner
FT - I went back and reread my response. It was too blunt and I am sorry. Perhaps something you said touched a nerve.
Thanks for sharing all that. It was actually very inspiring.
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Originally Posted by alphaomega
Morning Free - was thinkin bout you and reflecting on something Silent said to me at the very beginning of my sobriety. It was a lightbulb moment for me and I wanted to share it with you.
I was pissing and moaning about how hard my life was. And that there was no way I could get through all of the problems without the sweet oblivion alcohol was still fake promising ( that biotch kicked me to the curb a long long LONG time ago). I told her - There was no way in hell I could handle my life without alcohol !!!
Her response was "You can't handle your life BECAUSE of alcohol".
Damn if she wasn't spot on.
Life is still happening (thank God) with the same amount of trials and tribulations. Heck, maybe even more than before. But there is a fluidity and flow that seems to seep in when you put the plug in the jug,
It's still hard for me to wrap my head around that, given my supposed coping mechanism being gone. But I promise. It's an absolute truth.
If you feel so overwhelmed you are thinking about bailing, a stint in rehab might be just what you need ? Time away, for you. To work on you. So you can be the Brady Bunch momma that you really wanted to be.
XO AO
I was pissing and moaning about how hard my life was. And that there was no way I could get through all of the problems without the sweet oblivion alcohol was still fake promising ( that biotch kicked me to the curb a long long LONG time ago). I told her - There was no way in hell I could handle my life without alcohol !!!
Her response was "You can't handle your life BECAUSE of alcohol".
Damn if she wasn't spot on.
Life is still happening (thank God) with the same amount of trials and tribulations. Heck, maybe even more than before. But there is a fluidity and flow that seems to seep in when you put the plug in the jug,
It's still hard for me to wrap my head around that, given my supposed coping mechanism being gone. But I promise. It's an absolute truth.
If you feel so overwhelmed you are thinking about bailing, a stint in rehab might be just what you need ? Time away, for you. To work on you. So you can be the Brady Bunch momma that you really wanted to be.
XO AO
Also, I agree - my life is hard BECAUSE of wine right now....not because of my circumstances. I have to cook dinner soon, and GOD will it feel like the hardest task on earth, esp when my youngest wakes up from her nap. *God forbid*
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Anyway, I hesitate to post this - but I find it comforting to vent in writing - last night did not go well. I drank a massive amount of wine (more than 4 bottles), and just would NOT go to sleep. Finally my husband lost it and we got into a screaming match. He hides my keys from me when I drink, and I *actually* almost called the cops on HIM at 2am. Me.drunk.calling the cops on HIM.
Today I have waited to drink, but I still drank. I promised my husband I will go to sleep early. He does not want a repeat of last night.
Tomorrow is my bday, and we have reservations to go out to a raw bar. In my head, I think this will all be very elegant....slurping oysters, etc. But I have this feeling I will be bombed and make a fool of myself.
Thanks to those who still read my posts. They must get repetitive and annoying.
Today I have waited to drink, but I still drank. I promised my husband I will go to sleep early. He does not want a repeat of last night.
Tomorrow is my bday, and we have reservations to go out to a raw bar. In my head, I think this will all be very elegant....slurping oysters, etc. But I have this feeling I will be bombed and make a fool of myself.
Thanks to those who still read my posts. They must get repetitive and annoying.
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Also to add: (and I don't know why) But every time I get really trashed I start playing either really *angry* music on my laptop, or really *sad* music. That totally sets me off. I either end up crying about how everyone has "wronged" me, or I get severely angry with my husband.
This, just, has got to stop.
This, just, has got to stop.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
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Originally Posted by freethinking
Thanks Gracie,
I think for me, the problem has been I have been stopping drinking for days or a few, but not really addressing what is wrong "upstairs". For me, my gut instinct tells me I started drinking due to depression. The depression is not being adressed, even with small bouts of sobriety.
You may not believe this, but when I am sober (and I mean mentally fit), I take pride in my little brood and running my household. But for weeks, I could not even remember a time where I ever felt that. All I enjoyed was "sleep".
I think for me, the problem has been I have been stopping drinking for days or a few, but not really addressing what is wrong "upstairs". For me, my gut instinct tells me I started drinking due to depression. The depression is not being adressed, even with small bouts of sobriety.
You may not believe this, but when I am sober (and I mean mentally fit), I take pride in my little brood and running my household. But for weeks, I could not even remember a time where I ever felt that. All I enjoyed was "sleep".
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Originally Posted by readerbaby71
You'd be amazed at how much better you will feel and how much it easier it is not to drink when you get treatment for your depression. Going to a psychiatrist and starting medication changed my life. Good luck. xoxoox
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SSRI's have limited efficacy if your drinking. Its counterproductive and dangerous. I realize you know this but until you can get sober even for a couple days nothing can really be done to help your situation. You really have to take the first step and put down the drink. If you can't, which is what it is sounding like then rehab is your best solution to get some sober time so all the other stuff can start to work.
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Originally Posted by jdooner
SSRI's have limited efficacy if your drinking. Its counterproductive and dangerous. I realize you know this but until you can get sober even for a couple days nothing can really be done to help your situation. You really have to take the first step and put down the drink. If you can't, which is what it is sounding like then rehab is your best solution to get some sober time so all the other stuff can start to work.
If I do rehab, I have the prospect of immediately finding good care for 3 young kids if I leave for 30 days. It will place a TREMENDOUS debt on our family. However, my husband and I are both in agreement that if it sobers me up, it is worth it. But finding good care is not a 1 day process.
Lots of decisions to make.
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