bigsombrero

I think the feelings of shame attached to my alcoholism have been some of the toughest things to deal with. I wasn't supposed to crash and burn like this. I was the high school varsity athlete, and attended a good university. I covered the NBA after college as a reporter. After I was done interviewing All-Star athletes, I moved to the big city and got a fancy job downtown. I was animated, good-looking, had beautiful girlfriends and I was the star attraction at family reunions and parties with friends, I traveled the world....but then that ride came to a screeching halt.

My decline was rapid, but I managed to do some very public damage before I hit rock bottom. Coming back to reality, I felt like this might have all been just a bad dream. A nightmare. Did that terrible stuff really happen? When I got clean and poked my head back in my social circle, I got some tight smiles and a few forced pats on the back, but most of it was just nervous and awkward banter. The elephant in the room was how obviously ashamed of myself I was. The only way to explain is is that I felt like I'd committed some terrible crime. It was hard to show my face in public again. Really, it was.

Don't get me wrong - the sober community has been great in helping me digest my shame. I'm not alone out there and that helps a great deal. But in the back of my mind, being a "Good Member of the Sober Community" has always seemed kind of like being the tallest munchkin. At least from those on the outside. The applause from normies feels patronizing: "Good for you, buddy. One year sober. Maybe you can get a job and even a house of your own someday, just like your cousin. And I heard you made a bologna sandwich all by yourself yesterday, is that true? You're a real winner in my book!"

But things have been changing lately. I've been pushing back those feelings of shame and moving forward. I never wanted people to feel sorry for me, and I think that fear was so large that I imagined that I was an object of pity as opposed to someone to look up to. I've realized it's my own negative self-talk that's been holding me back, not the opinions of others. I can't say I'm completely over the guilt and shame of alcoholism, and I still feel the need to prove myself (see the resume at the top of the page)....but at 20 months sober I'm finally starting to crawl out of this fog. Socializing has been a big help - the sympathetic gazes I once imagined have become smiling faces again.

I hope this helps someone else going through the phases of dealing with shame. For me, putting away that shame has meant forgiving myself and letting go of the past. I'm finally realizing I've got nothing to prove to anyone. And more importantly, I'm enjoying the present and looking with hope towards the future. Good luck out there, folks.

neferkamichael

Bigsombrero, FANTASTIC, thanks, rootin for ya.

FourSeasons

Great post!

I can especially relate to this sentence.

I too have come to the realization that negative thoughts attracts negative energy into my life. And, positive thoughts attract positive energy. I am much more mindful to listening to my inner dialogue. When I find myself dwelling on a negative thought, I try to remind myself to stop and to think about the things that I am grateful for and my hopes for my future. It is not easy at first but now it is almost becoming second nature to me. It takes practice!!

oak

Thanks for posting. I have been thinking a lot about shame and addiction lately. I also have been feeling less shame lately around addiction. Sobriety helps a lot!

I have been reading a great book (The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown who also has TED talks about shame). She wrote something that made me begin to realize that I had worth even when I was drinking. Before reading her book, I believed that I had worth only when I was sober (yet I think other people have worth when they are drinking). But it's a growing realization that I have worth regardless of addiction.

I'm happy that you are socializing again and connecting to people. It is cool to hear how having less shame influences how you connect to others (& how you perceive them).

Climber122

Someone on this site recommended a book entitled "Shame and Guilt" by Ernest Kurtz. It was an enlightening read, and I'd like to pass along one of the images he wrote about that sticks with me as it pertains to how shame affects us as alcoholics. It's also a sports metaphor so it really works with what you (the OP) wrote.

Kurtz brings up the image of an American football field. On this field, the sidelines represent guilt and the endzone is shame. When we break a rule, like stepping out of bounds along the sideline, we feel guilt. We did something wrong and as a result the play stops, but we didn't completely fail because we can snap the ball again and keep moving towards a touchdown. But when we are out of downs, we failed on 4th and short at the endzone, it's different than stepping out of bounds. When we can't get there, we didn't break rules but we experience a strong sense of shame because we failed to score. It's worse than being wrong - it's a sense that our entire reason for being "on the field" failed.

I really like this image because it gives us a sense of how damaging it is to feel shame, and how much deeper that cuts than guilt. We can rationalize guilt easier, and we can fairly easily find ways to make up for it most times. But shame refers to our whole being - to ourselves - and the feeling that our entire life is a "failure" can lead to attempts to drink the shame away unless we can accept the fundamental truth that to be human is to come up short! It's completely normal to fail - it's a universal.

But the alcoholic generally doesn't accept this - we want things the way we want them, and when they don't go that way we generally choose to drink and just imagine things are the way we want them, believing our delusions of grandeur and superiority, or conversely we drown in self-pity and/or depression that things are not the way we want them, and never will be.

There's a better way to live once we are sober and working at recovery - the healthier approach. We can begin an active program of therapy to sort out this sense of shame and to develop a realistic plan for coping with our shortcomings - of coping with our inherent, very human inability to "succeed". Once we get there we can learn to be useful and approach society as people who have something to offer despite our addictions.

Glad to hear you you seem to have found a balance!

KateL

Great post xxxx

Nonsensical

Approval is good, but I prefer it from people who understand. Normies don't know squat. If they look down on me or patronize me it's because they are ignorant.

I value the opinions of people who can overcome an addiction far more than anyone who doesn't have a clue what it's about. I'd happily eat a bologna sandwich with you anytme.

Leshar

What a great post, thank you!
I value your posts and follow your journey with interest.

Thanks too to FourSeasons for this:

My thoughts exactly!

Aellyce

Great post Bigsombrero, thanks for summarizing this so eloquently. I relate to a lot in your story. Also agree with what Nonsensical said above. The feelings of guilt and shame are very hard to overcome. I actually think it's not such a bad thing that they are always there is the background to remind us of our goals as long as they have a constructive effect on our actions and not inhibitory.

Thanks for sharing this, again. Very inspiring and encouraging to people like myself in early recovery

GreenEggsAndHam

Thank you so much. I'm in IOP now and shame and guilt are huge topics in my group. I think we really can be harder on ourselves than other people are to us. "I am my own worst enemy" is so true sometimes.

I'm so happy you are sober and on your way up.

karate

Last part of your post sums it up .

If people cant get over it , then I get over them .

Not giving a damn what people think has been the cornerstone of "ME" feeling good .

After all if YOU are not your person , who is ?

nigey1

Argh... I had a reply all typed up an my computer crapped itself. Here is the short version.

Back in the day I too oozed potential and was the good looking guy who was good at stuff and going places. Never got there though.

I settled for being Mr average for a few reasons. Fear, uncertainty and the chance to drink myself silly being amongst them.

But I am on the rise now, making up for lost time the sober way that's all I can do until they invent a time machine.

Like you it took a while to get things straight and for the fog to lift. It sure is scary facing both the past and the present without your time honoured coping mechanism.

Best of luck. I think my signature line best sums it up.

deeker

Betty Ford started a Clinic in 1984 to treat alcoholism. The Betty Ford Clinic.

How many people have come through there I wonder. How many lives have been transformed because she chose not to be ashamed.

She probably made an impact as big or bigger then her President husband on this nation and her clinics still are. She has left a legacy,

How do you know God does not have a bigger purpose for your life a little deeper than being the varsity athlete, covering the NBA, and having a beautiful girl on your arm at weddings. Sounds kinda shallow to me.

But I know how you feel cuz I once felt that way too.

You need to look a little deeper than just appearances and if your friends do not look deeper, you don't need um.

karate

The bad things we did ,we already paid for with our own regret .

We already tortured ourselves plenty .

I did lots of bad things ,I own them . The people affected by these acts either have the choice to forgive me -or they make the choice to harbor bad feelings .

The people that hold bad feelings toword us for what we did -imo are sicker than we are .