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Diary of a Mad Cow, Part III - Beware all ye who enter!



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Diary of a Mad Cow, Part III - Beware all ye who enter!

Old 03-15-2014, 09:46 AM
  # 41 (permalink)  
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Happy B-day, FT. Hope this day can be a new beginning for you.
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Old 03-15-2014, 09:55 AM
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I just wanted to say something else, before I go out:

I don't take my drinking lightly. It upsets me a lot that I am doing this. I am *hoping* tomorrow is the day I stop. Jeez, that even sounds like a pipe dream as I type it out. All the same, that is the plan.

Also, Cow, I am very sorry for all the "issues" you seem to have with caffeine, spices, etc on top of the wine issue. That must be tremendously hard, even if you don't like to admit it wholly.

Here's to better days for both of us.
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Old 03-15-2014, 01:01 PM
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I does throw out wine, but then I go back to store and buys more wine to 'make up for' wine I throw out. So not only is I clogging landfill with thousand of wine opener, I clogging sewers with thousand gallon of wine!

I not drink with public anymore. Never. Too many people knows me. And everybody know I alcoholic. Plus also I not enjoy bar/club anymore. I prefers to write and watch TV and savor good wine with foods, make 'The Event' last all day and into night. Can still be quite pleasant to me, until second it over, then long sobering up transition is feel like my body is putrid rotting corpse and my mind struggle to keep from losing it. Then next day I just puke sick debilitated severely depress wreck. Not go outside. Try no to talk to anyone. Just hold out until can go to sleep again. Put that day in trash, cuz is waste, I throw it away. Next day I sooooo glad I not has to feel such horror anymore...then...next day....all is forgiven...let's go pick up couple bottles of Zin!

I sad you headed out to bar, FT. But I glad you can be honest to us.
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Old 03-15-2014, 01:18 PM
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Cow - your posts cause such a contradiction within me. You make me laugh and I feel so good and then I think of you as "puke sick debilitated severely depress wreck" and I hurt inside.

I am so glad that you came back to SR. I am definitely now one of your followers; you have roped me in.
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Old 03-15-2014, 02:11 PM
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Your drinking experience sounds about as pleasant as mine - except with me, I think 1/2 way through it already starts sucking. Too many responsibilities with kids, house, etc - buzz always ruined with reality.

Never made it to bar. Husband raised big stink about whole thing. Guess b/c last time I didn't come home til next day (literally - which was a week ago). He's sensitive like that.

What ya up to today, Moomeshka (my russian nickname for you)?
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Old 03-15-2014, 04:13 PM
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Well, today I pick grapefruits from my tree, cuz they getting over-ripe and must be pick. I get total scratches all over and two bee sting. Why you stinging me! It not like you gonna eat grapefruits! Bees is so bitchy sometime! Then as reward I has some ice cream which I not suppose to has cuz is sugar. Ooop. Then PappaMoo come by cuz he want all the grapefruits! He only stay to talk with moo for like 5 minute and only talk of his computer problems which I always has to fix for him. Jesus of God, old man! For last time restore is under system tools! SYSTEM TOOLS! Okay, maybe is nap time now, yes?
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Old 03-15-2014, 05:27 PM
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Where do you live? Grapefruits? Good God, I live in the land of syringes and gas fumes.

Just got back from dinner. And after, went to a bar that sells liquor (I went to get a biggun of wine). They gave me a free beer, and all the people from last week stared at me like I had 2 heads, because drunk (last week), I smoked pot....and then could not speak. So everyone was staring at me as "mute girl" from the previous week. All the while, badger was waiting in the car. He was very mad when I came back.

I have 2 bottles to kill and promise not to drink tomorrow. I can probably do tomorrow. It is Monday that we'll see about.
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Old 03-16-2014, 12:42 PM
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How is going, FT? Is today big push like you plan?
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Old 03-16-2014, 12:55 PM
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(((freethinking))))

*scritches* for cow

Cow - how does avoiding sugar affect you personally? I'm supposed to be sugar free because I am pre-diabetic and have some indication of auto immune problems, but I think I'm more addicted to sugar than booze. Do you feel better in any way? When I went gluten and dairy free I felt like a million bucks and I was very surprised. I know other people who experienced no difference at all. I am wondering how I will feel when I manage to kick sugar.
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Old 03-16-2014, 04:26 PM
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Originally Posted by Cow View Post
How is going, FT? Is today big push like you plan?
No, today was a big waste (BTW, is it just me - or does posting in this thread make you want to give up on all articles of speech? I practically posted "No, today is big waste").

I had 4 martinis, beer, wine and just entirely too much last night so as soon as I woke up I thought "I am not dealing with this hangover"...and hair of the dog ensued.

I am pretty knee deep in the wine right now, but barely feel buzzed. This makes me worried for what is ahead for me in the days to come. I really *can* stop. I have done it before. And I need to. I just have to stop this.

Sorry, not much more interesting to say right now. Disgusted with self sums it up.
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Old 03-16-2014, 05:27 PM
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FT, wow. I shocked. That was total unexpected. Total unpredictable -NOT! Be careful, my dear, or you can wastes 20 year of you life being 'disgusted' with self, but meanwhile nothing changing.

TigerL, easiest to answer this question by saying my brain/heart/nevous system total f*ck up from catastrophic meth OD and throw on top 30+ year of alcoholism. So any 'subustance' affect me in enhance and crazy ways. Caffeine/sugar make me manic and also dump my blood sugars (I hypoglycemic). It very much affect my energies, sleeping and mood. Almost always, it will put my self in crazy brain state and once I go crazy brain, is almost for sure I gonna drink. So, is bad anyways, but is also unacceptable for me, cuz it playing with fire, you see?
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Old 03-17-2014, 01:11 PM
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Originally Posted by Cow View Post
FT, wow. I shocked. That was total unexpected. Total unpredictable -NOT! Be careful, my dear, or you can wastes 20 year of you life being 'disgusted' with self, but meanwhile nothing changing.
Ouch, Cow.

I really believed I could get sober. I've done it many times in the past month actually. But yeah, I guess the failure *sounded* predictable. No offense, and I mean it, but save the speech on "you too can waste 20 years of your life doing x, y, and z." That sh*t doesn't work in high school drug speeches, and it even more rarely works with alcoholics. This is the oldest I have ever been (37). It just means nothing when people pull the age factor on someone. The intention is good, yes, but it has little effectiveness.

Anyway, this Kat here has her monthly friend so feeling especially b*tchy. Watching a *quality* episode of Real Housewives of Wh*redome right now. Keeping it high brow like that.

Oh, and to keep it real: "Shower not in existence today for Kat (me). Lips chapped from wine sluggage, hair greasy, eyebrows need to be waxed - Kat look like hot mess. But I is truly stunning when not bloated and well groomed, swear it - ask my awesome Kiwi husband with corner office - and such".
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Old 03-17-2014, 04:28 PM
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Good to see you back, Cow!
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Old 03-17-2014, 04:43 PM
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Hi Cow, glad to see you & to read your responses to FT & others. Sorry that you gave in to ice cream. For the entirety of 2013, cigarettes, caffeine, and ice cream were my first, second, and third tools to cope with cravings. It's amazing that you can't use anything. I don't know how I would have made it without them -- I guess I would have had to completely ramp up exercise. I'd be really fit by now!

Having relapsed briefly in January, I still use all 3 tools but am not dependent on them. Staying sober for me isn't a physical thing anymore, it's all mental. My newer tools are more like meditation. Also I'm occasionally digging the limericks thread on SR -- check it out, you might have something to add, and it's great to take your mind off an urge: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-part-7-a.html
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Old 03-17-2014, 04:52 PM
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save the speech on "you too can waste 20 years of your life doing x, y, and z."
I dunno about Cow but I use that all the time.

I'm not Nancy Reagan tho - I really did waste more than 20 years of my life.
I think Cow might be of similar vintage to me.

I share that because it's all I can do.

I'm not a miracle worker. All I have is my experience.

If someone doesn't pick up what I lay down, there's not much I can do about that but hope it might help someone else reading.

D
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Old 03-17-2014, 05:25 PM
  # 56 (permalink)  
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Cigs, caffeine & ice cream was you "tools?!" Damn. All that in my tool box is rusty pair of pliers for to pry delicious ice cream and coffees out from my kung foo grip. I actual just get rid all of my ice creams AGAIN cuz I very aware each scoop one more step down the black path. Have to get away from 'treat' mentality, and accept foods is only to nourish me. No chance to maintain sobriety unless I scrupulous to not ingest things that agitate brain or body.

What kind of meditations you do, Snarkbunny?

FT, one sentence is not "speech." I just trying to say, at least for Cow, is sometimes easier to settle into not so comfy but oh so familiar sofa of self-disgust than to do actual changing. I never mentions X,Y,Z or any other of alphabet --but if I did, I would total choose some other letters for you right about now, ha ha moo ha! (I kid ...sort of.)

Well said D! You can lay it down here any times. I still remembers when you gently busting my chops in earlier threads and was always appreciated! I think we both 50ish. Of course, as international superstar, I has my DNA re-sequence monthly for to maintain extraordinarily youthful appearance.
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Old 03-17-2014, 05:37 PM
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Snarkbunny makes 'em up as she goes along. It's all about the breathing, pranayam. I do have a cool thing about pebbles that's really been working for me for the last month -- you're welcome to try it, no patent pending

From the 1 year & Under thread in February:
I'm trying out a new mental exercise. Every morning, I think of the jumble of thoughts of past, present & future that I deal with each day as so many pebbles. It's my daily job to try to build something out of them. I take each pebble and mentally turn it over and over, selecting the strongest for the foundation. Those that are ugly, misshapen, or just don't fit, I set aside. Who knows?-- maybe they'll fill a gap later, or will be useful in some way I can't predict. Others I polish up a bit and pile up on top of my base. I don't know or care what kind of structure they form -- the only thing that matters is stability, I think.
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Old 03-17-2014, 06:08 PM
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Theres DNA resequencing for youthful beauty treatments? Where? I've been relying on duct tape and Bondo.

Love from Lenina
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Old 03-17-2014, 06:10 PM
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Originally Posted by Cow View Post

FT, one sentence is not "speech." I just trying to say, at least for Cow, is sometimes easier to settle into not so comfy but oh so familiar sofa of self-disgust than to do actual changing. I never mentions X,Y,Z or any other of alphabet --but if I did, I would total choose some other letters for you right about now, ha ha moo ha! (I kid ...sort of.)

Well said D! You can lay it down here any times. I still remembers when you gently busting my chops in earlier threads and was always appreciated! I think we both 50ish. Of course, as international superstar, I has my DNA re-sequence monthly for to maintain extraordinarily youthful appearance.
Me too twice--self-disgust instead of change and fiftyish.

I dunno. Seems like I'm doing a bit better with the self-loathing since I quit the booze but do have regrets.

Not just for what I lost but what I did to the people around me who caught the fallout of my addiction. I wish I could erase some of that.

Good thing I too am still bankable at 50--that DNA stuff really works, doesn't it my moolovely friend?

They got that magic dust in Oz Dee, or are you doing the "age gracefully" thing
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Old 03-17-2014, 06:13 PM
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Originally Posted by Lenina View Post
Theres DNA resequencing for youthful beauty treatments? Where? I've been relying on duct tape and Bondo.

DBA treatments (ductape / bondo ) only an option in the midwest dearie. .
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