Diary of a Mad Cow, Part III - Beware all ye who enter!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Los Angeles, California
Posts: 8,326
Dear (((cow))). So glad you're back. My psychiatrist told me he thought being creative was a way to survive. I, on the other hand thought maybe I created my own trauma dramas because I was bored and not creative enough to be constructive. LOL. it took me a long time to learn to roll with it. These days I remember I don't have to sparkle daily. LOL
love to you.
Lenina Moonpie
love to you.
Lenina Moonpie
Woe is Moo.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
Moo Mwah, sweet Lenina. Trust me, Cow not doing any sparkling. Last time Cow sparkle was in 90's.
Freethink, I does post on other thread while I away, just like everybody always have encourage me to do ...and was terrible! Awful! Nobody talk back to me! And poster just disappear! Is much cozier in here. Look, I buy new throw pillows. Plus I not has to watch my language, or be worry about offending -cuz everybody here already know I very offensive and cuss like longshorecow.
Okay I just throw out all caffeine, sugar, and wine opener. Landfill already has 5,000 of my wine opener. But, even though I destroying environment with excess wine opener waste, I think is right thing to do, yes?
Freethink, I does post on other thread while I away, just like everybody always have encourage me to do ...and was terrible! Awful! Nobody talk back to me! And poster just disappear! Is much cozier in here. Look, I buy new throw pillows. Plus I not has to watch my language, or be worry about offending -cuz everybody here already know I very offensive and cuss like longshorecow.
Okay I just throw out all caffeine, sugar, and wine opener. Landfill already has 5,000 of my wine opener. But, even though I destroying environment with excess wine opener waste, I think is right thing to do, yes?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Nutmegger
Posts: 1,799
OMG and 1/2 Cow, you weren't joking! You did venture out to neighboring pastures…!!!!!
I am so bummed I missed it, it would have been like running into Prince Charles at the carwash.
So glad you are back. I imagine there is a satellite image of your local landfill and some cosmonauts scratching their heads…."it sort of looks like acres of wine screws…"
I am so bummed I missed it, it would have been like running into Prince Charles at the carwash.
So glad you are back. I imagine there is a satellite image of your local landfill and some cosmonauts scratching their heads…."it sort of looks like acres of wine screws…"
p***enger
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,039
Originally Posted by Cow 
I does post on other thread while I away, just like everybody always have encourage me to do ...and was terrible! Awful!
(I read your outside posts and thought they were helpful. You never know who's getting support from your posts on SR -- it's ok to scatter the seeds widely. You have no shortage of them.)
How about you don't buy any Malbec today and tell us something concrete about your life. Are you getting any outside support to get sober? Seeing a doctor? Talking to a friend? I know you have neighbors -- do you have friends?
Woe is Moo.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
Wow. That is one snarky bunny.
I has lot of friends. They all drinkers but they does hope I successful to stop drinking. They not "supporting" me, cuz I not even know what that mean. They got they own problems, and I been drunk Cow for decades, so is lot of fatigue about the subject. Even to me, is all blobbity blah blah. Don't even want to hear my own self talking about it anymore, is all has been said. Time to shut up and get it done. As for my family, as has been previously and well established, they is crap. So, I pretty much on my own with this one. But that okay, is down to me, is up to me. I a lone cow, moooooooo. But serious, I feel very strongly is only me gonna pull this thorn from my side.
I has lot of friends. They all drinkers but they does hope I successful to stop drinking. They not "supporting" me, cuz I not even know what that mean. They got they own problems, and I been drunk Cow for decades, so is lot of fatigue about the subject. Even to me, is all blobbity blah blah. Don't even want to hear my own self talking about it anymore, is all has been said. Time to shut up and get it done. As for my family, as has been previously and well established, they is crap. So, I pretty much on my own with this one. But that okay, is down to me, is up to me. I a lone cow, moooooooo. But serious, I feel very strongly is only me gonna pull this thorn from my side.
p***enger
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,039
Originally Posted by Cow
Wow. That is one snarky bunny.
As for doing it on your own, I respect that. It hasn't worked for me. The only progress I've made in the last 1.5 years has been on the occasions when I've yelped for help.
Poison Eater Extraordinaire
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: East Coast, USA
Posts: 1,031
Cow, I am right there with you - unable to find that magic bullet to stay sober.
I imagine it is frustrating for our friends when we just can't be told anything. I can't be told much either. But it's kind of like a moot point for me to bring that to your attention. It must be a blessing and a sword to be so intelligent (and I mean that, sincerely).
I'm off to pretend to play housewife, will undoubtedly fail by 8pm. Dinner is made at least.
I imagine it is frustrating for our friends when we just can't be told anything. I can't be told much either. But it's kind of like a moot point for me to bring that to your attention. It must be a blessing and a sword to be so intelligent (and I mean that, sincerely).
I'm off to pretend to play housewife, will undoubtedly fail by 8pm. Dinner is made at least.
Woe is Moo.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
Welcome Soberleigh, please feel free to join in our grossly meanderding, somewhat tedious and often inexplicable conversatings. If you enjoy Cow humor, I has show on FB call "Ima Cow" that even more offensive.
FT, Is not that I not can be told anything. I really does listen to all advices, therapists, friend, AA, even you and SnarkBunny! Is not like, no thank you, I got this. Cuz yeah, like decades of failure is not good track record. Is just that at some point, when you 30+ year addict, is all talkings is done. Is all been said, tried, failed, re-said, re-tried, re-failed, lather, rinse, repeat. As you say, I very intelligent and extremely handsome cow. Let face it, I pretty much omnipotent. My problems is in execution.
My friends not frustrated with me. They not even care anymore. Is just like, oh yeah, hope that going better for you, but we all grown up with our own luggage and they 'check out' of my problems long time ago. And that good, is not for them to worry on. Is no point. I either breakthrough or not.
Anyways, no drinking today! But I did have contraband Diet Pepsi. Unacceptable!
FT, Is not that I not can be told anything. I really does listen to all advices, therapists, friend, AA, even you and SnarkBunny! Is not like, no thank you, I got this. Cuz yeah, like decades of failure is not good track record. Is just that at some point, when you 30+ year addict, is all talkings is done. Is all been said, tried, failed, re-said, re-tried, re-failed, lather, rinse, repeat. As you say, I very intelligent and extremely handsome cow. Let face it, I pretty much omnipotent. My problems is in execution.
My friends not frustrated with me. They not even care anymore. Is just like, oh yeah, hope that going better for you, but we all grown up with our own luggage and they 'check out' of my problems long time ago. And that good, is not for them to worry on. Is no point. I either breakthrough or not.
Anyways, no drinking today! But I did have contraband Diet Pepsi. Unacceptable!
Poison Eater Extraordinaire
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: East Coast, USA
Posts: 1,031
Originally Posted by Cow
.
FT, Is not that I not can be told anything. I really does listen to all advices, therapists, friend, AA, even you and SnarkBunny! Is not like, no thank you, I got this. Cuz yeah, like decades of failure is not good track record. Is just that at some point, when you 30+ year addict, is all talkings is done. Is all been said, tried, failed, re-said, re-tried, re-failed, lather, rinse, repeat. As you say, I very intelligent and extremely handsome cow. Let face it, I pretty much omnipotent. My problems is in execution.
FT, Is not that I not can be told anything. I really does listen to all advices, therapists, friend, AA, even you and SnarkBunny! Is not like, no thank you, I got this. Cuz yeah, like decades of failure is not good track record. Is just that at some point, when you 30+ year addict, is all talkings is done. Is all been said, tried, failed, re-said, re-tried, re-failed, lather, rinse, repeat. As you say, I very intelligent and extremely handsome cow. Let face it, I pretty much omnipotent. My problems is in execution.
Cow, today is my birthday. Sadly, it is not even 10am and I already drank. I'm going to pretend this day means I can do whatever I want, when I know damn well this ruins the day for my kids and badger (hubby).
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Los Angeles, California
Posts: 8,326
((((freethinker))) The hardest part for me was the wanting to quit drinking. I wish I knew how to make that happen for you. It's a crazy thing...no one who hasn't been there can Understand.
I hope this coming New year of your birth you can make it to sobreity. Does that make sense? I'm overly tired and seriously need to sleep.
love from Lenina, Friend of Cow and FreeThink
I hope this coming New year of your birth you can make it to sobreity. Does that make sense? I'm overly tired and seriously need to sleep.
love from Lenina, Friend of Cow and FreeThink
Poison Eater Extraordinaire
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: East Coast, USA
Posts: 1,031
Originally Posted by Lenina
((((freethinker))) The hardest part for me was the wanting to quit drinking. I wish I knew how to make that happen for you. It's a crazy thing...no one who hasn't been there can Understand.
I hope this coming New year of your birth you can make it to sobreity. Does that make sense? I'm overly tired and seriously need to sleep.
love from Lenina, Friend of Cow and FreeThink
I hope this coming New year of your birth you can make it to sobreity. Does that make sense? I'm overly tired and seriously need to sleep.
love from Lenina, Friend of Cow and FreeThink
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,424
Yes, the fun went out of the drinking many years ago for me.
It was just blissful numbness and to forget, perchance to seem. . . or was that dream?
By the way freethining, I'm a lucid dreamer too. (I've been reading your other thread)
What about you Cow? Do you have lucid dreams?
It was just blissful numbness and to forget, perchance to seem. . . or was that dream?
By the way freethining, I'm a lucid dreamer too. (I've been reading your other thread)
What about you Cow? Do you have lucid dreams?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Los Angeles, California
Posts: 8,326
Oh my goodness! I'm a lucid dreamer too. the doctors tell me it's part of a sleep disorder I have that includes what they call "epic dreaming.". my brain stays in the REM or dream state for extended periods of time. I tend to clench my teeth really hard during this phase. I think that's from trying to control the dreams.
My dreams are very vivid and often I have what I call a dream hangover of emotions or feelings. I wake up very fatigued from these episodes.
I wonder how many alcoholics/addicts have concurrent sleep disorders? I started drinking due to serious insomnia. Yes, I have these epic dreams because I don't get enough proper sleep! To me that's very funny.
Love from Lenina
My dreams are very vivid and often I have what I call a dream hangover of emotions or feelings. I wake up very fatigued from these episodes.
I wonder how many alcoholics/addicts have concurrent sleep disorders? I started drinking due to serious insomnia. Yes, I have these epic dreams because I don't get enough proper sleep! To me that's very funny.
Love from Lenina
Poison Eater Extraordinaire
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: East Coast, USA
Posts: 1,031
Wow, I've actually never met other people who lucidly dream. I'm admittedly kind of proud of it...I mean, sh*t, I can control my dreams! I can control my subconscious!! I rock!!!
(except I just cannot kick this drinking thing *ego quickly deflates*)
(except I just cannot kick this drinking thing *ego quickly deflates*)
Woe is Moo.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
Jesus of God! FT is DefCon 1! So is you gonna keep drinking today since you already "blew it," or is you gonna stop now. Maybe you birthday can be day you put it down instead of ramping it up which only gonna make you feel total crappier tomorrow which will make hard to stop tomorrow. Is you hide it from you family then?
Yes, I has been lucid dreamer since little calfhood. I think we has discuss this before some place. I give all my tips and tricks. I think lot of people with PTSD and/or hypervigilance has this because they trying to stay "conscious" during sleep for self protections. I does lot of things in lucid dream, like fly, go underwater, travel and figure skate, but mostly I has sexings and eat stuff. In beginning, I have lot of scary demonic experiences, like my brain try to scare me out of there. Like hey consciousness, you not belong here! Shoo! Couple times, I even die! (I remember thinking death very boring.) But once I challenges scary stuff, now is only interesting. Sometime is SO REAL I still will move stuff around loft to see if it actual is move when I get up. Only bad thing is when dream has no "energy", like, I floats up out of body and then is just stuck on ceiling or something and cannot locomote my body or conjure scenario. Then is like, crap! How long I gonna be stuck on stupid ceiling?!
Yes, I has been lucid dreamer since little calfhood. I think we has discuss this before some place. I give all my tips and tricks. I think lot of people with PTSD and/or hypervigilance has this because they trying to stay "conscious" during sleep for self protections. I does lot of things in lucid dream, like fly, go underwater, travel and figure skate, but mostly I has sexings and eat stuff. In beginning, I have lot of scary demonic experiences, like my brain try to scare me out of there. Like hey consciousness, you not belong here! Shoo! Couple times, I even die! (I remember thinking death very boring.) But once I challenges scary stuff, now is only interesting. Sometime is SO REAL I still will move stuff around loft to see if it actual is move when I get up. Only bad thing is when dream has no "energy", like, I floats up out of body and then is just stuck on ceiling or something and cannot locomote my body or conjure scenario. Then is like, crap! How long I gonna be stuck on stupid ceiling?!
Poison Eater Extraordinaire
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: East Coast, USA
Posts: 1,031
We are probably "different" drinkers. I noticed you said you will pour out wine. I can't do that. Once I am started, it's done for the day. SO far, noone knows i drank. But, I have been pacing myself. I am about to blow this pop stand (haha - always wanted to say that!) and go to a *gasp* bar, where other normal people drink. After all, it is my birthday. Problem is, I am terrified of even driving buzzed....so I have an issue of how to get there, etc.
Lucid dreaming: ever notice, the more "aware" you are, the more difficult it is to keep control? Flying dreams are great. I sadly have falling dreams a lot. One time though, I had a dream where, I swear to God, I flew over my whole life. It made me feel very small afterwards.
Anyway, I am getting out of here. Going to a bar or something. Have plans for dinner at 5:30, but reality is I won't be sober enough to go. Too bad too - raw bar there....me loves a raw bar!
Lucid dreaming: ever notice, the more "aware" you are, the more difficult it is to keep control? Flying dreams are great. I sadly have falling dreams a lot. One time though, I had a dream where, I swear to God, I flew over my whole life. It made me feel very small afterwards.
Anyway, I am getting out of here. Going to a bar or something. Have plans for dinner at 5:30, but reality is I won't be sober enough to go. Too bad too - raw bar there....me loves a raw bar!
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