Can't get back on the wagon :(
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 341
Can't get back on the wagon :(
I'm posting on the alcoholism board because I'm still fighting this awful demon. 
I did 2 months sober then slipped on Feb 9. The next day I was determined to just start over...
Never did it. I kept falling back into it. I'm right back where I started, binge drinking 3X a week, and thinking about drinking all the time.
HOW the heck do I get my motivation back? Nothing really awful happens when I drink (right now anyway, the Summer, drinking with others, brings the worst binge drinking episodes for me), right now just the usual feeling like crap the next day and such awful depression.
I drink to self-medicate. I've battled very bad depression for years (who knows, might be somewhat hormonal, but I seriously Hate the turn my life has taken also). I drink to change the way I feel at the moment. I feel trapped. I never did well with anti-depressants, and drinking brings nothing but sorrow in the long run.
Any advice on how to get back on the wagon. I know I need to treat the underlying depression but quitting the drink is the first thing and I can't seem to get there. I can never stay Quit!!
I did 2 months sober then slipped on Feb 9. The next day I was determined to just start over...
Never did it. I kept falling back into it. I'm right back where I started, binge drinking 3X a week, and thinking about drinking all the time.
HOW the heck do I get my motivation back? Nothing really awful happens when I drink (right now anyway, the Summer, drinking with others, brings the worst binge drinking episodes for me), right now just the usual feeling like crap the next day and such awful depression.
I drink to self-medicate. I've battled very bad depression for years (who knows, might be somewhat hormonal, but I seriously Hate the turn my life has taken also). I drink to change the way I feel at the moment. I feel trapped. I never did well with anti-depressants, and drinking brings nothing but sorrow in the long run.
Any advice on how to get back on the wagon. I know I need to treat the underlying depression but quitting the drink is the first thing and I can't seem to get there. I can never stay Quit!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
2 things:
-Your not staying "quit" . . . your only staying sober TODAY, only until bedtime, that's all you need to focus on, tomorrow and the next day is not your concern, only TODAY!! break it down into 1 hr or 30 min slots, are you Sober those last 60 mins? yes, well then job well done, onto the next hour!! . . . in the beginning you gotta break things down into manageable steps.
-What's your lifestyle like? did you simply remove alcohol and continue the same pattern of life? because sitting with all that free time, thinking about drinking, will only finish one way, and that's drinking, you gotta change your routine, get up in the morning and say "all that time I spent drinking, I'm now gonna fill it with other activities", if you change nothing in your lifestyle other than removing alcohol, the same outcome is likely to happen.
Keep it simple!! the next 30 mins, the next 15 mins if you have to!!
But you can do this!!
-Your not staying "quit" . . . your only staying sober TODAY, only until bedtime, that's all you need to focus on, tomorrow and the next day is not your concern, only TODAY!! break it down into 1 hr or 30 min slots, are you Sober those last 60 mins? yes, well then job well done, onto the next hour!! . . . in the beginning you gotta break things down into manageable steps.
-What's your lifestyle like? did you simply remove alcohol and continue the same pattern of life? because sitting with all that free time, thinking about drinking, will only finish one way, and that's drinking, you gotta change your routine, get up in the morning and say "all that time I spent drinking, I'm now gonna fill it with other activities", if you change nothing in your lifestyle other than removing alcohol, the same outcome is likely to happen.
Keep it simple!! the next 30 mins, the next 15 mins if you have to!!
But you can do this!!
Phoenix Rising Again
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Chicagoland
Posts: 3,079
Originally Posted by purpleknight 
2 things:
-Your not staying "quit" . . . your only staying sober TODAY, only until bedtime, that's all you need to focus on, tomorrow and the next day is not your concern, only TODAY!! break it down into 1 hr or 30 min slots, are you Sober those last 60 mins? yes, well then job well done, onto the next hour!! . . . in the beginning you gotta break things down into manageable steps.
-What's your lifestyle like? did you simply remove alcohol and continue the same pattern of life? because sitting with all that free time, thinking about drinking, will only finish one way, and that's drinking, you gotta change your routine, get up in the morning and say "all that time I spent drinking, I'm now gonna fill it with other activities", if you change nothing in your lifestyle other than removing alcohol, the same outcome is likely to happen.
Keep it simple!! the next 30 mins, the next 15 mins if you have to!!
But you can do this!!
-Your not staying "quit" . . . your only staying sober TODAY, only until bedtime, that's all you need to focus on, tomorrow and the next day is not your concern, only TODAY!! break it down into 1 hr or 30 min slots, are you Sober those last 60 mins? yes, well then job well done, onto the next hour!! . . . in the beginning you gotta break things down into manageable steps.
-What's your lifestyle like? did you simply remove alcohol and continue the same pattern of life? because sitting with all that free time, thinking about drinking, will only finish one way, and that's drinking, you gotta change your routine, get up in the morning and say "all that time I spent drinking, I'm now gonna fill it with other activities", if you change nothing in your lifestyle other than removing alcohol, the same outcome is likely to happen.
Keep it simple!! the next 30 mins, the next 15 mins if you have to!!
But you can do this!!
Welcome, jessie65! Stick around awhile.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,760
Our beloved CarolD used to say that you had to want to be sober more than you wanted to drink. It seems you haven't decided you want to be sober as much as you still want to drink.
Have you thought about seeing an addiction counselor? I see one and she's been such a help to me. Between her help and this site I've been sober over four years now... and I was a serial relapser at one time.
Keep trying until you get it right.
Have you thought about seeing an addiction counselor? I see one and she's been such a help to me. Between her help and this site I've been sober over four years now... and I was a serial relapser at one time.
Keep trying until you get it right.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 341
Thank-you purpleknight.
I feel like I try so hard to change my routine, but I have no energy or motivation (I guess depression does that). I literally force myself to stay active, exercise, get my 4 miles a day in a day, and I do most days, and it's still been an absolute struggle to resist drinking.
I could sleep my life away and be happy just waking to eat. That is how I feel 24/7. Whether I drink or not, my mood never seems to change. I guess that's why I go back, for that very temporary relief.
My cravings come on so fast, I barely think even a second before I buy a bottle.
I truly think my problem isn't alcohol. I just NEVER feel happy, or even content. The problem is hating my life, and feeling unable to change it.
And I'm middle-aged. Everything my life has become was somebody else's decision...
I feel like I try so hard to change my routine, but I have no energy or motivation (I guess depression does that). I literally force myself to stay active, exercise, get my 4 miles a day in a day, and I do most days, and it's still been an absolute struggle to resist drinking.
I could sleep my life away and be happy just waking to eat. That is how I feel 24/7. Whether I drink or not, my mood never seems to change. I guess that's why I go back, for that very temporary relief.
My cravings come on so fast, I barely think even a second before I buy a bottle.
I truly think my problem isn't alcohol. I just NEVER feel happy, or even content. The problem is hating my life, and feeling unable to change it.
And I'm middle-aged. Everything my life has become was somebody else's decision...
DOS: 11/6/10
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Florida Panhandle, USA
Posts: 736
Originally Posted by jessie65
I truly think my problem isn't alcohol. I just NEVER feel happy, or even content. The problem is hating my life, and feeling unable to change it.
And you know how well that worked? It's like I was throwing a baby aspirin at a broken leg, and trying to continue to walk on it.
Sometimes we have certain preconceived notions about depression, medicine and therapy, but when you have exhausted all your options, what remains? We need to try something different if we want different results. These things we try are often out of our comfort zone... but we have to be willing to go to any lengths to get, and stay sober.
best, s
Mini Novel Post Writer
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Maine
Posts: 3,649
Originally Posted by least
Our beloved CarolD used to say that you had to want to be sober more than you wanted to drink.
Her saying above is exactly how I've lived over 9 months now. I also know that this statement has to be unconditional. If it is't then you might as well place the word "unless.........." at the end and insert whatever excuse you have for picking up that drink.
Whenever I see posts that say "I drank because........." every word after can be replaced with 4 words which are "because I wanted to drink".
jessie, you CAN do this. You just have to put a plan in place that allows you to create no reason to pick up that drink. There's a lot of support here but you have to want this......unconditionally.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 341
Thank -you all.
I feel like I want it, desperately, yet I hate how I feel and some nights/days seem So long without that Band-Aid. Even being sober for 2 months barely helped how I felt, physically or mentally. I have this huge black cloud over my head.
Trying again, Day 1..
I feel like I want it, desperately, yet I hate how I feel and some nights/days seem So long without that Band-Aid. Even being sober for 2 months barely helped how I felt, physically or mentally. I have this huge black cloud over my head.
Trying again, Day 1..
No quitting on yer quit eh!
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Alberta, Canada
Posts: 3,870
Wow, LadyBlue, you have no idea how much your post just helped me!! I'm 61 days sober, fight my AV a few times a week, but your post made me realize that my AV is just an extension of myself...... always looking for the right excuse, and of course, there is none! I have no other reason to drink, it's only because I want to drink..... so the next time I feel like picking up a beer, I'm going to think "insert excuse here" 
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Poconos PA
Posts: 1,544
I believed I was self medicating for years and it may have been partly true. As I go farther into sobriety though I am starting to think that a big part of the self medicating was actually merely a need based on my dependence to Alcohol. I still run into some of the same triggers that used to lead to me to numb my feelings with drinking but I just don't feel the need to reach for the bottle anymore.
If you can just hold on to sobriety long enough for the mental obsession to lift you will see how much your dependence was part of that need to self medicate. I also find that whatever is bugging me actually seems to go away faster than when I was drinking. Alcohol being a depressant, once you start drinking sure it will numb you but it will also keep you depressed. Let the mood balance naturally restore with some relaxation.
First things first though, get firm with yourself about making it far enough to get rid of the impulse to imbibe. The rest will fall into place.
If you can just hold on to sobriety long enough for the mental obsession to lift you will see how much your dependence was part of that need to self medicate. I also find that whatever is bugging me actually seems to go away faster than when I was drinking. Alcohol being a depressant, once you start drinking sure it will numb you but it will also keep you depressed. Let the mood balance naturally restore with some relaxation.
First things first though, get firm with yourself about making it far enough to get rid of the impulse to imbibe. The rest will fall into place.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,859
Originally Posted by abcowboy
Wow, LadyBlue, you have no idea how much your post just helped me!! I'm 61 days sober, fight my AV a few times a week, but your post made me realize that my AV is just an extension of myself...... always looking for the right excuse, and of course, there is none! I have no other reason to drink, it's only because I want to drink..... so the next time I feel like picking up a beer, I'm going to think "insert excuse here"
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Michigan
Posts: 33
I agree, take it in manageable pieces. I had t break it down into 5 minute periods. And I liked a post I read about labeling. It basically said you don't have to label yourself an alcoholic but just keep telling yourself "I don't drink".
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: SLC, UT
Posts: 141
I really needed this post. Thank you for your honesty Jessie and everyone for your advice. I battle the depression beast myself. Alcohol makes me feel normal. Atleast for a little while... then it makes it all worse. Id love to keep in touch with you... maybe we could help each other figure out our demons.
Keep fighting the good fight!! Be strong.
Keep fighting the good fight!! Be strong.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 1,095
Originally Posted by jessie65
Any advice on how to get back on the wagon.
During the last 8 months I was sober for 4 months then tried to drink in moderation. Over the last few months I had a week here and there sober but still continue to drink.
I started up again 3 days ago for no real reason; and I am drinking now but not really enjoying it.
I was going to give advice but now I realize I have nothing good!!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Australia
Posts: 385
Jessie - by the fact you are here tell's me you are getting there.
I lived with someone clinically depressed for 9 years. I realise you say you are over the anti-depressant thing but I think you could go and see a doctor and tell them what you are telling us and be properly assessed. My partner changed her anti-depressant medication quite a few times over the years. I should say I am not pro-medication, it doesn't work for everyone, but I DO believe it helped my partner quite considerably. She was pretty much able to have a normal life.
If it truly is the depression that's causing you to drink (rather than the other way around - chicken and egg I know) then you owe yourself the favour of trying to fix that up as well.
Thinking of you
I lived with someone clinically depressed for 9 years. I realise you say you are over the anti-depressant thing but I think you could go and see a doctor and tell them what you are telling us and be properly assessed. My partner changed her anti-depressant medication quite a few times over the years. I should say I am not pro-medication, it doesn't work for everyone, but I DO believe it helped my partner quite considerably. She was pretty much able to have a normal life.
If it truly is the depression that's causing you to drink (rather than the other way around - chicken and egg I know) then you owe yourself the favour of trying to fix that up as well.
Thinking of you
p***enger
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,028
Jessie -- I'm not a doctor (where'd I put that license? Oh, I never earned it...) so I'll just tell you what happened to me:
I was seriously depressed
I was drinking alcoholically
I knew I needed help for at least one of those problems
I decided to quit drinking first
I did (thanks to SR and AA)
I remained depressed
I relapsed briefly (but am sober again)
I realized if I didn't treat the depression I'd keep relapsing
I sought help from a psychiatrist who's aware of my alcohol/drug problems
Right now what I'm doing -- SR, AA, and meds -- is helping. If it stops helping, I'll do something more. I'm willing to do anything because drinking does NOT medicate my problem, it was making it much, much worse, and I can't afford to relapse again. The most important thing I learned was that I need to ask for help honestly.
I hope you seek help and find it soon.
I was seriously depressed
I was drinking alcoholically
I knew I needed help for at least one of those problems
I decided to quit drinking first
I did (thanks to SR and AA)
I remained depressed
I relapsed briefly (but am sober again)
I realized if I didn't treat the depression I'd keep relapsing
I sought help from a psychiatrist who's aware of my alcohol/drug problems
Right now what I'm doing -- SR, AA, and meds -- is helping. If it stops helping, I'll do something more. I'm willing to do anything because drinking does NOT medicate my problem, it was making it much, much worse, and I can't afford to relapse again. The most important thing I learned was that I need to ask for help honestly.
I hope you seek help and find it soon.
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