hollybear

I have fallen off the wagon again. And it feels like **** (excuse my French). I drank one night, but only a few. Stopped the next night, mostly due to a nasty headache. Then resumed the next 4 nights in a row. Tonight I tapered down to only enough to keep the withdrawals at bay... Im so damn tired of this.
Sometimes life seems unbearable and I wonder what's the point. Im hell bent on ruining it anyways.
It would be nice to feel normal again. Cant remember what that feels like.

Nonsensical

Drinking was ruining my life, but I wasn't drinking in order to ruin my life. I was drinking despite the fact that it was ruining my life. I wasn't hiding my bottles, rotating stores, devouring breath mints by the score, coming up with new plans to limit, contain, control my drinking because I wanted it to ruin my life. I wanted my life and booze, too.

However, I thought for many years that I must be trying to ruin my life. It was the only way that I could make sense of my drinking in the face of persistent negative consequences. I must subconsciously want to wreck everything.

What I later learned was that I didn't understand what addiction was doing to my brain. One of the things it was doing was convincing me I was self-destructive. It was doing that because it would keep me drinking. (I'm a loser, so what does it matter?)

You planned not to drink, and then you drank. You are not trying to ruin yourself. Improve your plan.

KateL

Just start over. If you are worried about withdrawal can't you see your doctor? xxxxx

PurpleKnight

Go at it again hollybear, adjust your plan and keep trying , you'll get there!!

tomw

Japanese proverb - fall seven times stand up eight

Got to find the plan that works for you. Whether it's AA, exercise, diet, social interaction, SR, spiritual, etc or a combination of many things. A tailor made custom package. It's not easy, it takes work, focus and determination no matter what the plan. It will all come together as long You keep trying.

doggonecarl

Of course it isn't your billionth failure. But could part of the problem be that you think you have a limitless amount of relapses in you? Cause you don't. Don't waste them doing the same things over and over and calling it recovery. Only you know the level of effort you are putting into staying sober. Is it everything you've got? Are you applying every option for support? Making use of Sober Recovery when the urge to drink strikes?

matt4x4

There is a program that has a very high success rate. Alcoholics Anonymous. You learn of the alcoholic cycle, the cravings, allergy of the body and obsession of them ind. You learn of the progressive nature of the disease. How if you dont change you dont change. Its chronic and fatal.

blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.
OK I find my posts getting toxic. Time to log-off and go to a meeting. Got to look at my issues.

Later

Johno1967

Good call Matt.
Sometimes we feel like that. The trick is not how or why you fell over but how and why you got back up to fight another round.
As my Platoon Sergeant would say during a long march; "Just keep moving, put one foot in front of the other and keep doing it".
He also said that the only time to worry was when his "Grunts stopped bitchin"

least

I used to feel like an utter failure too. But with the support of the people here I kept on trying until I succeeded. If I can do it, so can you. Don't give up!

hollybear

thank you so much for the supportive words. I am very hard myself. And I beat myself up mercilessly sometimes. But the encouragement from others who have been in my shoes and come out on the other side helps me to remember that I can do this. Just because I lost this battle doesn't mean I lost the war.
Tomorrow I'll pick myself up and start over again. I can do this. One foot in the front of the other...