KellyBro

I have been sober going on 9 years now. I have worked the Steps with a sponsor and have been involved in several Step Studies where I have worked the Steps as well. However I realize now that most all of this has been in my head and very little in my heart. My first discovery when I was GUT LEVEL honest about all the major JUNK still in my heart. How I REALLY felt about my dad, my childhood, my wife, my life, etc. I just got honest during this recent 5th Step (by the way I did this 5th Step with someone besides my sponsor which helped out tremendously. The reason I believe is because my sponsor has already heard all my stuff over the years. But when I told it to another person, it shed light on my character defects in a very special way). Anyway, after this 5th Step i had really unearthed some JUNK that had been discussed before on a head level but never really at a heart level. This was a completely different experience!!! I cried and I haven't cried for 8 years since my early days of recovery. During this time I also stumbled upon Adult Children of Alcoholics. Of course they use the 12 Steps as well but were very different in they were talking about needing to tell your story to someone and really relived the trauma of our past. Well I never grew up with alcoholic parents but my mother was an extreme bi-polar and schizophrenic. Therefore, needless to stay, I LIVED IN FEAR ALL THE TIME. I was 2 years old when this began and I "lost" my mother. She did incredibly crazy things and I didn't know what to do with it all so I just froze emotionally. I felt like i was in self-protection mode 24/7 8 days a week for YEARS. So when i took that first drink at 14 and all those fears just melted away like water, I HAD ARRIVED. Those drinks gave me the sense of ease and comfort I wanted my whole life. It was amazing!!! Well, fast forward 20 years i get sober and now have been for 9 years, but emotionally, I realized i have NEVER REALLY GRIEVED my childhood. I didn't even know this was something I was supposed to do or even knew that people did. But when I read what the ADoC (Adult Children of Alcoholics) call the Laundry List....I was shocked.....I related to almost EVERY ONE!!! How had i missed this all these years??

Anyway, I have just begun reading their basic text (The Big Red Book) and am going to a meeting this Saturday but it is amazing how all of this is freeing me up emotinally and finally getting me out of my head and finally able to FEEL what I felt when i was a child and then RELEASE all that grief that I didn't even know I was caring around.

Thank God for AA and thank God for ACoA. And for Al-non also because she is one of us. I guess i am a triple winner

oak

Yes- I have also found that working through the emotions from my childhood has helped me immensely now. (Not that I am done working through the past.) It is very hard at times but worth it.

Anna

This was so much the same for me. Looking back, my childhood was like living in a war zone. I never, ever knew what to expect, so could never relax and feel comfortable for a moment. I think I stopped developing emotionally at about age 4. I didn't drink until well into my adult years, but I used other unhealthy ways to cope. Basically, I was a shell of a person.

I have found my way through the issues, in my case through books, and it has been enormously satisfying and comforting.

I'm glad you're doing well.

Climber122

Thanks for sharing this - it's encouraging to know the program is helping you grow into new levels of understanding about what makes you tick! This was a very enlightening post for me and it's appreciated