freethinking

I relapsed a week or 2 ago, I can't even remember anymore.

This is not earth shattering news, but the problem with it is, you never know when you're going to get back the mental capacity to quit again. With my relapse I envisioned, 1, maybe 3 nights of drinking. It hasn't turned into that. I've continued going to meetings (and then hitting the bar afterwards), meeting with my sponsor (then drinking afterwards)....and the truth is, I have to want to be sober more than I want to drink. And when I chose to drink again weeks ago, I took that gamble on giving more weight to the desire to drink.

So, this is just a reminder that it is very hard to gather all your marbles and get in the right frame of mind again after a relapse. It really is taking a huge gamble. It's not as easy as having one night of relief and then bouncing back the next day. Your AV f*cks you, and it is very hard to want to stop drinking when you go back out.

silentrun

Sorry you are having trouble right now. If I hadn't gotten sick when I tried to relapse who knows if I would have ever made it back. Just wanted to let you know that was post 777 for you.

freethinking

Wow, that *is* weird!

babycat

Freethinking, that is so so so effing true. I have been doing so well in my sobriety and unfortunately I have had that same old urge to just have that one night of fun and then get back on the wagon the next day. But I cannot do that. I have tried time and time again. I have that "one night" and it pretty much immediately turns back into multiple bottles of wine a night. Every. Single. Time.
Thank you so much for posting this. I know exactly what you are going thru. I hope you can get back on track soon.

freethinking

I'll pray for you too, thanks for your thoughts. This sucks.

DAB

Thanks for the reminder. Your post is very helpful to remind us that once we have a slip it can be incredibly hard to want sobriety again. Hopefully it won't take another rock bottom for you to find your way back. Your post and the fact that you still attend meetings tells me you are on your way. I wish you all the best!

sunrise1

My sponsor's always said "I know I have another drunk in me, but I don't know if I have another recovery"... That has always been a good thing to keep in my mind.

oak

Thanks for the reminder. What can you do to strengthen your sober self?

rove27

Freethinking, so sorry that you are going through this. I appreciate the fact that you shared this, because my AV tells me that I can live it up and drink one night and just get back on the horse.....apparently it is not that easy....Hope you find enough reasons to go back to sobriety.

SavingSelf

I know exactly what you mean and I am so sorry you are struggling. I am at 16 months now and occasionally get the "why would one night of drinking be so bad, I can always stop again"

But can I? Will I?

Too many times I didn't--so I don't want to go there again. Just not worth any short term "escape".

You can get back there. Keep on trying.

doggonecarl

Find your way back, Freethinking. The desire to do so resides within yoiu.

TroubledJoe

This is a big part of the reason I have managed to avoid relapsing for the past four months. I know myself too well to know that 1 wild night of relief would not come close to being enough for me. I know it's not enough, but what IS enough? Well nothing really, hence sobriety.

Sorry that you're struggling at the moment. I wish you all the best

jdooner

I am sorry you are struggling Free. I feel a connection with you and so want your to feel the joy I am experiencing. Try to find the way back here...I know you can do it. PM me whenever if you want to chat.

Kissimee54

How many times have I tried that experiment "I'll just do this today and then get back on the wagon" I know good and well how that will turn out. I am sooooo tired of having to deal with my past I just don't want to repeat it anymore. AND by-the-way, nothing's different out there.

Don't want to become a troll under the bridge.

keithj

Just something to think about FT. Is it possible that your choice to drink was a delusion? Something your ego likes to fool yourself with to give the illusion of being in control?

If it's really a choice for you, then let's see you choose differently. Looks to me like something else is making your choices.

tootsl1

It is easier to remain sober than to try again to dry out after a binge.


I wrote this as part of a blog, it resonated so with a friend on another thread that he uses it as his signature. I just don't know if I would have the strength to try to climb back up this mountain to where I am, if I fell off it now.

I really hope you find it within you to try again, you know you have it within you to succeed, in the same way we all have it within us to relapse. I wish you the fortitude to find your way back my friend

skg

Ah, insanity... Doing the same thing expecting different results. Here's why it never works... There is a concept that goes:
"24 When the unclean spirit goes out of a man, it passes through waterless places seeking rest, and not finding any, it says, ‘I will return to my house from which I came.’ 25“And when it comes, it finds it swept and put in order. 26“Then it goes and takes along seven other spirits more evil than itself, and they go in and live there; and the last state of that man becomes worse than the first.” LK-11:24-26

Whether you subscribe to everything in this or not, the fact remains, and is proven daily in the relapsing alcoholics and addicts, that going back out is NEVER better. Always worse. I've never heard anyone come back in with their face all splotchy, in bruises or ankle bracelets, saying, "Man, it's AWESOME out there! I've relapsed into spiritual peace and joy!"

Stick with the winners...

LadyBlue0527

Thank you for posting this. I've heard the same from others.

I'm sorry that you're having to feel this way but I'm glad that you're back here.

Thepatman

Build your strength. Use positive mental phrases instead of negatives.
Ex
I fell down but I can choose to get up
This addiction does not define who I am
I can take my control back
The beast comes and this is where IT dies
I will seek support from others
I have the following blessings, health, a job (customize for you)

You can do this!

Mrrryah1

I soooo relate - I have a post saying almost the exact same thing from a few weeks ago. It took me months and months of relapsing before I got that desire back. And it wasn't fun. I hope it comes back for you soon too - I'm almost 3 weeks sober now and so grateful.