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Day 1 again

Old 03-04-2014, 08:32 PM
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Day 1 again

Hello there. I'm new to this place. Been a lurker for a little while. I've been struggling with an alcohol addiction for a while now. It progressed slowly but surely since around 2005 I think. Worst mistake I ever made was bringing drink back to the house. Before that I was a weekend binge drinker hitting the bars with friends usually on a Saturday night and sometimes on a Sunday too.

The drinking in the house started off with around 6/7 cans on a Sunday night which over that period of 8 years or so crept up to 2/3/4 nights a week and kicked on from there where in the last year and a half or so it's usually been a 12 pack, 7 nights a week with the odd day off here and there. I reckon its about 2 years since I can remember having 3 full days in a row sober and probably 10 years since I've had a full week sober. The only way I can explain my personal relationship with alcohol is that it went from being a sociable past time I could use now and again when out with friends that helped me comfortable being in large gatherings and gave me confidence to chat up girls or whatnot, to slowly evolving over a long period of time into a parasite that after a bit of work and patience has successfully managed to "lock on".

I've been trying hard to do something about this but my mind just seems to be too weak to fight it at the moment. I get to around 2 days and feel depressed, scared and like im going insane and a quick trip to the beer store gets rid of these feelings even though I know its only temporary. I've had a few false starts with AA. I felt embarrassed being there and scared in case someone I knew would be there too. The religious undertones to it put me off as well. I've since read a bit more into AA such as in the big book and watched speaker talks, and talks by recovering alcoholics who have used AA on youtube, and of course read threads here too, and this has opened my mind a bit more to it and made me more willing to give AA another try.

I'm trying to get my life back here and im doing it on my own for the most part. I don't really want to go into depth on that right now but the boredom and the sadness when im back home alone after work drives me nuts. Sometimes I beat the voice in my head that's screaming at me to go to the beer store but for every victory I get, the voice notches up around 20. Something happened today when after work the voice was working on me as usual and I had made up my mind 100% that I was going to visit the beer store after I did my shopping for the usual "one last session" back home.

Whatever happened I walked to the beer store and stood outside the door pretending to text on my phone while the war played out in my head trying to get me inside to pick up beer. After about 5 mins I managed to turn around and walk back home. That's NEVER happened before. My rare victories over the voice have always taken place in the house. When I get to the actual beer store im always 100% certain im getting loaded tonight. The voice has a 100% win loss record with me on that one. Until tonight at least. The beer has been whooping my ass in the overall war but I got a little victory tonight. And my mind wants me to celebrate it by getting drunk tomorrow!

So im hoping this is a start. I'm only 1 day in and hoping I can get 2 days in tomorrow. A week seems like a lifetime away. I want my life back so much.
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Old 03-04-2014, 08:46 PM
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congratulations

Paddy,

I want to congratulate you on your decision to walk away from the beer store tonight, to go home and come on to this forum and make your first attempt at sobriety.

This may not be as formal as AA, but for me, it's been a very useful resource, and yes, you should only take it one day at at time and not look down the road to a week yet.

For me, I quit 12 days ago! And already I feel like I've made the best decision (in addition to quitting smoking) that I've ever made for myself. Already my life is better. I don't go to AA, I come here, and I've shared my decision only with people directly in my life that I truly can trust.

I think once you give yourself the chance to get sober and clear headed, the decision will be so much easier to make and less scary. Just take it one day at a time, come on the forum, read other people's posts, comment on them, and share your experiences. That's what I've been doing.

It helps. Just do it, you can have so much better of a life than drinking yourself into oblivion. Let me know how you are and say hello.

All the best and I send you my good energy.
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Old 03-04-2014, 08:59 PM
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hello my fellow canadian.

check out this youtube channel called wedorecover12.
there are some great AA/NA/CA videos there, which aren't really videos, but just audio tracks of different speakers. its cool to listen to. there's one by Eric Clapton and another by Stevie Ray Vaughn.
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Old 03-04-2014, 11:44 PM
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Congrats on day 1 xxxx
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Old 03-05-2014, 02:00 AM
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Congrats on making the decision to lead a sober life! And BIG BIG congrats on telling that voice "NO" outside the store this evening!

There are many paths to a happy sober life. You can read about them all over these forums. It's a great resource. Glad you're here to share.

Best of Luck on Your Journey.
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Old 03-05-2014, 03:02 AM
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Originally Posted by novascotiapaddy View Post
I'm trying to get my life back here and im doing it on my own for the most part.
Not everyone "has" to do the group, the rehab or the meeting thing as a lot of successful people on here will attest to. Certainly not me. I do better with a program of my own (and SR of course). AA didn't work for me (but it has for many). Pick what works for you and don't let what doesn't make you fail (even if it is something that worked miracles for someone else. We are all definitely individuals!
I don't really want to go into depth on that right now but the boredom and the sadness when im back home alone after work drives me nuts.
I very much understand this. You have to find things that you enjoy and substitute those things again and again. Coming to SR .... a lot!!! helped me the most in the beginning. You are among people who understand and are very willing to help - use that!!
Whatever happened I walked to the beer store and stood outside the door pretending to text on my phone while the war played out in my head trying to get me inside to pick up beer. After about 5 mins I managed to turn around and walk back home. That's NEVER happened before.
Good for you!!! Sending strength for another moment like that~feels good don't it?
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Old 03-05-2014, 04:30 AM
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Congrats on day 1. I couldn't have made it through the rough spots without AA. I didn't exactly follow the program. Take what you need and leave the rest.
I think what helped me most was just being around other people trying to accomplish the same thing. The only requirement for membership is a desire to stay sober. It sounds like you have that desire to me.
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Old 03-05-2014, 12:36 PM
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Congratulations on day 1!

I can relate, I used to drink after work as a "reward" for a day well spent being productive. Also, the boredom would cause me to drink. For me, the only thing that is working is a support system. I regularly attend AA meetings. They're helpful to me and they keep me occupied!

Being depressed, scared, and feel like you're going insane are common withdrawal symptoms from long term alcohol use. I'd consult a doctor. Alcohol withdrawal is very dangerous to do alone.

Good luck!
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Old 03-05-2014, 04:05 PM
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Welcome to the family. I'm glad you decided to get sober.
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Old 03-05-2014, 04:42 PM
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I'm so glad you posted Paddy. You did great walking away from temptation. We all know how hard that is! Day One is rough, but you're doing it. We're happy to have you with us.
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Old 03-05-2014, 07:32 PM
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Welcome and thanks for sharing. Wish you the best, you sound like a very strong person!
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Old 03-05-2014, 07:42 PM
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Nice job walking out of the store, changing your mind after you had decided to drink is friggin huge in my book! And welcome-

Being depressed, scared, and feel like you're going insane are common withdrawal symptoms from long term alcohol use. I'd consult a doctor. Alcohol withdrawal is very dangerous to do alone.


Agreed.
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Old 03-05-2014, 08:11 PM
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What are you willing to do to get over this drinking issue of yours?
Are you ready?
Have you hit a sufficient enough bottom and has there been enough pain to change what you were doing, because now you realize that what you were doing does not work. Are you willing to put forth the effort required to overcome your addiction to booze? If you say yes then that is great news. There is a way out. You can be sober, happy and serene all at the same time. You can look at people in the eye.
You will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.
Alcohol will not bother you anymore.
You will overcome your boozing it up problem.

Now what to do?

Well I have tried many ways to get sober. The only one that has worked for me and countless other alcoholics is the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. Give it a go. If you do not like it and do not want to follow the steps as outlined in the our main text book called the Big Book, AA will gladly refund your time spent into the misery and pain and suffering.
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Old 03-09-2014, 06:41 PM
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Thanks for all the help and advice. I wish I could say I haven't drank since but id be lying if I said that and I know the best thing I can do is be honest with myself and on here about the situation. On a positive note I haven't drank on 4 out of the last 6 days but I just can't seem to string more than 2 days sober together and it's frustrating. On day number 3 im usually up the walls and my willpower gives in.

It was tough with day 3 being a Saturday and I thought I was going to get through it at one stage but succumbed in the end. I have to remember that when im drinking heavily every day is a Saturday. There's no difference between a Monday or a Saturday with me. I'm still knocking back a box of beer.

Earlier this week too I got accepted into college starting in September for something I really want to do and it's given me a buzz about life I haven't had in a while. Of course I celebrated being accepted into college by getting a 12 pack. How the mind works! But this has seemed to have given me a new lease of life and at my age I want this badly. I'm almost 40 and spent many years travelling and hence always put going to college on the backburner and have spent many years stuck in dead end boring jobs which I think may have contributed to my alcohol addiction.

I want to do well in college so badly and get new skills for something that I really want to do. I'm being offered this opportunity. It's in the palm of my hand. And im so afraid im going to f**k it up because of the damn alcohol. And if that happens i'll have nobody to blame but myself. Anyway thanks again for all the advice and motivation.
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Old 03-10-2014, 03:21 AM
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Congats on being accepted to college - exciting stuff!

Originally Posted by novascotiapaddy View Post
On day number 3 im usually up the walls
Persistent alcohol use is the cause of that, not the cure. The cure is to make it to the other side by drying out for a few months. It takes that long for the human brain to stop reacting as if it's still getting it's daily alcohol injections.

Best of Luck on Your Journey!
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Old 03-10-2014, 03:47 AM
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Well done for getting into college. I hope this can be the ultimate push for you towards sobriety xxxx
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