EverySngleNight

I keep having dreams that I'm drinking. 3 nights in a row now. Surprised it took this long for them to set in. Weird.

My mom has pressured me again to contact her father (his 85th bday). Her father abused her growing up, and abused me when I was VERY little. We had to live with him when my parents first split up. He beat me and he was very "inappropriate". Don't care to elaborate. I was only 3.

My mom married my step-dad and allowed a LOT of terrible things to happen. Extreme abuse. Again, no need to elaborate... I blame her father for making her the kind of mom that did not protect me. In my mind, she's messed up because of how she was raised. I could not wrap my mind around my mom being so horrible, that she could allow those things to happen to me- and not care. So I gave her that excuse. (an aside, Step-dad is dead. drugs/alcohol. terrible way to die, truly.)

I've asked her over and over not to pressure me to contact him. I think it's really sick to ask your child to have contact with someone who abused them. I'm a survivor. That is SO WRONG! She wants to pretend that everything is hunky-dory, and she's relying on me to help her to seek his approval. If her kids are all successful and wonderful -and her father sees that-- and they kiss his a** too, then she's a "good" daughter. ICKY. Really icky!

This has been so upsetting to me that I have barely had a sober conversation with my mom in years. I know every time we talk, she's going to bring up my step-dad or her father, and try to put some favorable "spin" on it. It crushes me. Why wouldn't it?

I've asked her not to bring them up. I've asked her to just leave it in the past. But she does it anyway. Since I was usually buzzed during our conversations- I could ignore it or let it roll off my back. (Then I'd get off the phone and proceed to get smashed. Never really made the connection... not blaming. It was my way.) I realize now that she was crossing the line on purpose and when I failed to enforce my boundaries- she used that as "proof" and it validated her somehow. I know that may not make sense, but it's hard to describe. She's very manipulative I think. Very harmful to me.

I was sober last year when she came for a visit, and I got so stressed out- I ended up drinking. After I drank, everything went great! Before that, I was really on edge and upset. I was mad at myself for being so unpleasant (just being kind of quiet and not "entertaining" as I've been trained to do). I couldn't figure out why I was being like that. I just didn't have the tools then.

What she's doing to me is wrong. I am really working hard in my sobriety this time. I am digging through the crap that I need to sort out, so that I can stay sober. I have used alcohol to tune things out for a long time. I can't stay sober if I don't deal with these things. I really don't have a choice, and it's pretty hard.

I have to stand up for myself and be real. People might not like it. But, if they'd rather me be "watered down" so they can treat me like shlt- why should I care? Really. (I know that sounds really harsh... But, it's about time!)

*disclaimer- the following is the texting between me and my mom. I'm kinda on the fence about sharing this, and I know this post is getting long. But, I feel really alone in dealing with this, and maybe you guys can help me make sense of things.

When she texted me asking me AGAIN to contact her father, saying "I know he'd love to brag that he heard from you". (ew) And "He's 85, honestly it will probably be his last." and "very frail". I told her none of that makes it okay for her to "disrespect my feelings. Stop pressuring me to have contact with your father. I'm not going to ask again." Her response was "No problem probably won't ever have to remind anyone ever again. Just a fact." WOW.

I said "It's also a fact that he's a child abuser. Every single time you ask this of me, you are asking me to say that the abuse that happened to me is okay. Do you get that? It's not okay. I blame him for making my mom the kind of person that would fail to protect me. Maybe that's a mistake." Oh boy, here we go.... "He'll be gone soon enough and hey, maybe your rotten-ass, no-count, unworthy mom will be gone too! Then you and your sister can have a big party and sing ding dong the F****n witch is dead." Then she typed her phone number with "in case you forgot." ????

I don't call my mom names. I don't yell at her. I don't curse at her. I never have. EVER. I don't even speak to my sister... I don't know why she went there?? It seems like she's trying to make me feel guilty so that I will reassure her. And she's not addressing what I'm saying at all. That's what I'm getting anyway. She has done this to me SO many times, I kind of have no choice but to be blunt at this point- because she's just not getting it. At a certain point, I can't protect her feelings- I have to protect myself.

I said "I have asked you respectfully in every way I know how. Over and over. It's very hurtful to me and it makes me feel like you don't care about my feelings or don't take what happened seriously. If that's true, I can not forgive you."

I really mean that. To me, forgiveness requires atonement. If she takes it seriously and is compassionate to me, if she doesn't try to sweep it under the rug, or minimize it in any way, or try to make light of it, then we can have a relationship.

I wanted to have a relationship with my mom! But, I'm starting to understand that she lacks the capacity to step outside of herself, or consider the feelings of others. She seems to only care about how things reflect on her. How she thinks she's perceived by others is more important than reality, or what's true. Everything is filtered through that. It's really sick. I don't think it's going to change. I think I'm just waking up...

Truthfully, she was really abusive too. But, I couldn't handle it and I didn't really have any other adults in my life, so I made excuses. I can't keep doing that. I can't do it without oblivion. So, it's just not an option anymore.

She never wrote anything else. Neither did I. I don't know what else to say. Her response seemed really manipulative in a way. I was trying to be honest and direct. No matter what approach I take, she can't hear me, I don't think... This is all really sad. But, I guess it has to happen? I wish I sorted this out when I was younger. It's got me pretty twisted up right now. Should I say something more?

I don't have much family. But, I can't keep my mom in my life just because I want to have a "mom". She's just NOT that person. The sooner I wake up to that and accept it, the better. I don't know what else I can do.

It's p.a.i.n.f.u.l. paaaainFUL! I'm proud to still be sober through this stuff. But, it's taking a lot- can't lie. "Play the tape to the end.." <---That's what's keeping me going!

92 Days in. That's something anyway! :-)

KateL

Unfortunately we can't chose our familys and they are often crap. Don't let it pull you under. Congrats on your sober time. Incidentally, I gave up smoking two and a half years ago and when I get badly stressed, I often puff on an ecig. Anyway, last night I dreamed I smoked a normal ciggie, I've never done that before. It was weird xxxx

EverySngleNight

<----smoking the crap out of my ecig right now! LOL

Flying4Life

I think that you know in your heart what needs to be done. Your mother is continuing to be emotionally abusive because that is what she knows. We all want our mothers to be caring and supportive but many times it is an impossible dream. You are all grown up now and it is up to you to take care of yourself both physically and emotionally. If your mom's behaviour is having a negative impact on your well-being then you need to protect yourself. I know how painful this can be emotionally but you deserve a healthy and happy life. (((Hugs)))
Also, 92 days is fantastic!

EverySngleNight

Thanks F4L. I'm definitely trying to take care of myself. That's why I finally said something... Well, I'd been telling her... but not firm enough I guess. I'm seeing a trauma specialist and she told me I needed to put my foot down. I knew this was coming down the pike, but I was hoping I wouldn't have to do it so soon. I don't know how I expected my mom to respond? But, I certainly didn't expect the trip she laid down. Feeling kinda "duh" that I didn't see that coming... Shoulda' been pretty obvious probably.

I think I do need to cut her out if she can't get real. I have a very strong feeling that she can't... No... I KNOW it. Just don't want to say it. It's tough to admit it. And it really does hurt. I've been crying a lot. It feels like mourning in a way...

I don't know what else I should say to her. I don't want her to have a bad life or be unhappy. I don't expect her to walk around all guilty or miserable. It's not like that. I feel like what I'm asking is just bare minimum... It's LITERALLY the least she could do. Just don't rub my nose in it, you know? That's all.

It's just kinda gut wrenching that she can't do that... It's sinking in and you're right, it is emotionally painful. I know what I should do. But, I don't quite know HOW.

Thank you for pointing out that she's being abusive. I'm IN this, so it can be hard to see things as clearly... If that makes sense.

RocketQueen

Im seeing a therapist for anxiety and depression and it was only yesterday that she was able to admit out loud that the root if the problem, and the reasson why I'm so messed up is my mother. I always knew it but never admitted it out loud to anyone. I'd like to share with you some advice my therapist gave me: you can't make people behave in certain ways. Often trying to do so makes things worse and the end result is making both yourself and the other party feel worse and more defensive. There really is only one way to minimise the problem and that is to change the way YOU think and react to their words/actions. I'm still yet to learn ways of doing this, and I'm told its not easy, but simply creating boundaries and "putting your foot down" simply will not work. My "homework" this week is to do some research into mindfulness. Maybe that's something you could look into too? Just a suggestion. Good luck

matrac

Here's my take on it.....She still a victim...still under his spell....On top of that, I think she wants you to play along so that she doesn't have to face the guilt and her failings with regard to you. I think you are right to refuse that and you never have to feel guilty about it. Tell her that you love her, but that you can't go along with the plan. Suggest she get help.

Stay strong....you're doing great job at life right now!!!

ForestRunner

You are so insightful and strong. You have handled this better that so many. Clearly you forgive your mother her failings, and that is such a gift to her. But you don't have to accede to her wishes as a part of your forgiveness. That is, for better or for worse, her cross to bear.

Jeez, for a lapsed Catholic I'm really doing well with the Biblical idioms....

EverySngleNight

Thanks for the responses. I feel like I do need to put my foot down. If I don't speak my peace, it will never change. How she chooses to respond, is up to her. It's outa my hands. All I can do, is what's best for me- and maintain my conduct. If I need to tell her to kick rocks, then I need to tell her to kick rocks. It's a deal breaker, and it's really unhealthy. There are so many layers of ILL in this situation, I don't even know!

I'm not asking for a miracle, I'm just asking her not to pressure me to interact with a very sick individual who has damaged our lives, and hurt people in ways that can't be undone. I'm asking that she not minimize the very real things that happened to me. As long as that's respected- I'm okay.

I have been pushed to this point. I'm not really one for ultimatums... But I've just had it. I know that I can't have a relationship with her while sober, if she can't respect me on this. It's just too messed up and I can't handle it in the light of day. You know? It's traumatizing. Whether she means it that way or not, it just is.

I can't imagine asking my child to have contact with their abuser. I understand why she's like this. I know she got messed up. I have compassion for her. I would take all of that away for her, if I could. I hate what she went through. I hate that the cycle continued into my life. But, it did. There is no going backward. Only onward. Her asking this of me, is a slap in the face. She needs to know that.

As much compassion as I do have and as much as I understand that she's sick- we all face consequences in life. Yep- I survived abuse, and I'm an alcoholic. All true. But none of that is an excuse. Bad behavior is bad behavior.

All of our past experiences make us who we are. It explains a lot of our hang ups and issues. But as adults, our baggage is ours to carry and to sort out. It's rent to own. I know that's a hard line, but accountability is a b****.

IMO there are things that are beyond forgiveness. Hurting kids is pretty high on my list. My compassion is not a bottomless pool. I'm only human! It's bad enough that all this happened- and I really believe that it's no small deal that I've tried to move forward with my mom- but for her to keep coming at me with this crap... It's just wrong. I need to move on.

I will reach out at some point, when I find the words. I think she does need help. But, I'm very afraid for her- that she'll just fall apart. It took me this long to finally put my foot down because I didn't want to hurt her. I feared that it would just break her down. I KNOW how hard it is to look this stuff in the eye... So I just kinda let her stay in her bubble, because I really don't want her to hurt. This whole situation is rough. My feelings are conflicted...

I'm probably going to keep this thread going for a while. I really need and APPRECIATE the support. Srsly! Thank you.

Lorax1981

Wow ESN I'm sorry. I don't have any advice but I did want to say hi and good job staying sober. Keep it up!
-Ted