squirrelly77

I'm not a stupid person...I know what alcohol does to me. I know. I know. I know. I also know that I'm wallowing in self-pity right now and it's a very dangerous slippery slope. I'm living in a nice place...things are really great here. I'm happy that I was able to *finally* get a job (2 , actually) but I can feel the"...oh, why me's!?!" comming on. I know that I have a disease...I know that addiction is and always will be a part of my life, yet at the same time, I wouldn't wish this burden upon my worst enemy. And, I just wish that I could be like the "other" 26 year-old single woman sitting in a bar with friends and potential boyfriends responsibly enjoying her drink. Perhaps I'm looking at this the wrong way...maybe I shouldn't look at it as a *burden*. Instead, I should look at it as something that's meant to be (which it is...EVERYTHING is as it should be) for whatever reason. Yet, it is hard to always be the happy one, joking around, and having fun when sometimes...DAMMIT...sometimes I wish I didn't have to think about what I can and can't do so much. Grrrrr! Sorry! The thing is, I have a date with a guy that I find really interesting but he doesn't know this about me. I know that's playing with fire, especially in my case because I used alcohol to numb my nervousness. I know it's a natural, normal human emotion to be nervous and I know that in order to stay sober, I have to grit my teeth through the unpleasantness of it all. I guess through this, I'm re-learning how to *not* to be some walking, talking blob. We all did it, after all, at one point. We might have been 4 or 5 years old at the time, but we did it.
Maybe I should just worry about the whole topic of alcoholism when we come to it...which I'm sure we will. The only thing that I know for a fact won't happen, is that we end up together long-term. He works on a cruise ship, and he's on break right now. In August he leaves again for another 6 month stint--so I know nothing serious is going to come of this. I just want to hang out and have fun with someone I like being around. So, why should I even be nervous??? OH!!! I swear...this type of circular thinking is exactly what almost brought me to the point of drinking tonight. I was laying on my bed (thinking TOO much, in my opinion) and I almost, ALMOST gave in. I thought "what the hell...you're probably going to drink anyways when you go out with him tomorrow night..." But, I didn't. I thought it through...thought how INSANE my self-talk was (living in the here and now is what this program is all about anyways) and by some miracle, I didn't drink. Gawd, you guys, you don't know how close I came. But, there are many bridges to cross in life...and I'm learning only to worry about them when the time comes to cross them. This place is teaching me so much and I'm so grateful for the people I've met here already.

Danielle

Aladinsane

Danieele, sounds to me like you did what had to do, and thart was not to pick up that drink. Congradulations!
Don't wear the alcoholism on your sleeve otr an albatross. rather don't bring it up at all lest it comes up.
Everyone gets nervous in dates, walk through it and lay some of that humor and charm you have. Always call the sponsor whe in doubt kid or any other phone number if dhe isn't available.

I know what the thinking can do as well. I tend to overanalyze everything so much I can never come to a conclusion then i feel guilt and shame. I have learned to go trust in my instincts now, now that i trust them, and of course there is always the HP to discuss it over with as well.
Take care danielle

bingo457

I am new to this comp. A.A. system. Can someon tellme how to get to a meeting. Thanks, Wayne s.

Bradley004

Danielle, I can TOTALLY relate. I am dating too. Hang in there. You are sooo right about the nervousness. That is a normal, healthy emotion ...so let yourself live through it. Don't escape. And dont' use the analogy just because he may not be long term who cares then if I drink with him ...This YOU we are talking about. You will draw men to you by being the real you. Not the numbed out one.

God bless and know you are not alone. Dating to me is the hardest route in not drinking.