CAPTAINZING2000

I've been in contact with people on here and real life that were bartenders and made a decision to stop drinking.

As long as you are spiritually fit and your primary purpose is to listen to your bf play. Hopefully, he's giving you full support in your efforts.

I didn't stop drinking to be a social leper. I attend concerts, sporting events etc.
I'm not keen on going to bars but, I have no reason to go there.
I would suggest driving by yourself so you can always leave. Your staying sober is far more important then watching your bf work at his job in a band

MissMarshallow

That is amazing, well done!!!

soberlicious

I took my boys to the barbershop hundreds of times throughout their lives and I personally never once got a haircut there.

Since deciding to quit drinking many years ago, I became a non-drinker. Non-drinkers don't drink under any circumstances. A bar is not going to make me drink, any more than walking into the 7-11 will make me drink. My abstinence is not contingent upon geographical locations, nor is it contingent on other people's actions. That's freedom.

myheartaches

Yes, and freedom is what I want. Freedom from struggle, freedom from sadness, freedom from want.

I don't feel struggle or sadness or want, so I guess I'm doing well now. It's like I have finally just awakened to the truth of this and believe me, I prayed for this awareness so many times over. I am no longer living in the past.

Yay!

bigsombrero

The reason you're getting a few "wet blankets" here:

After reading your post, it's easy to infer that your social life (and relationship) is probably pretty wrapped up in the late night bar/pub scene right now. The overall big picture smells dangerous. I guess my question for you is: What's the end goal here? Are you trying to become more and more comfortable at bars? Are you going to keep doing this? Does this experience make you think this will be a regular thing and a part of your life? And if so, why do you feel you need to be at places like this? Why wouldn't you choose another activity?

Anyway, I'm glad you had a great time and are building your confidence. Just be careful! I'm not sure how much sober time you have, but I hope you continue to work on racking up sober days. Good luck.

Joe Nerv

Like your boyfriend, I am a musician, and have performed sober in bars close to (maybe even more than) 2000 times since I got sober 29 years ago. I feel completely detached from the alcohol when I'm in a club or bar, it's just something I don't do, and it doesn't phase me at all.

I also hung out in bars when I was in college between my 2nd and 5th year of sobriety. Learned a few things.

First I want to share something a counselor told me in rehab, that really stuck with me because of his delivery more than the message, but I can't put his delivery into writing . He was an incredibly animated old black southern dude with an accent. I told him I looked forward to drinking ginger ale in a bar as soon as I could. He said, "I love you Joe!!!! You are the perfect alcoholic!!! That's what we all want to do! But let me tell you something about alcohol. Alcohol is patient! It will sit on the shelf in a bar and wait. And you can go to the bar once, twice, thrity, even a hundred times and never think about drinking. But it'll wait there for you. Then one day you'll be sitting there, you won't be in the greatest frame of mind, your girlfriend will start talking to some other other guy, you'll get into some kinda sheeit with him, and all of a sudden you'll find yourself with a drink in your hand. Alcohol is patient!!!! It will wait for that day! Do what you wanna do, but don't ever think that it's resting. And while you're hanging out in bars having a good time, trust me when I tell you your disease is doing pushups. And the alcohol is just sitting, waiting on that shelf for the perfect moment."

So... do I, or did I believe that alcohol was going to jump on the bar and pour itself down my throat? No (although I have a story I've shared about here where that did actually almost happen). But I've witnessed others having weak moments and doing it, and I've been there myself. There were times early on where I honestly felt that it was a spiritual connection only that kept me from picking up a drink.

All that being said, while I was in college and hanging out in bars there came a time where I had to stop. I wasn't playing music, I was just hanging out with friends. Didn't start performing again until after I graduated. What I found was I had no desire to drink in the bars, but I started having urges the following day, or during the week. It was weird, and unexpected. What finally convinced me to stop going altogether was that I started to feel a little like an outsider. Everyone else was drinking, some getting trashed, others just enjoying themselves... and it began to turn into, "I couldn't". Not that I "chose not to". That I couldn't. If that makes any sense. Realizing that I was starting to want to be like these "normal" drinkers I had to take an honest look at my life and my sobriety. I stopped hanging out in bars.

When I returned after getting back into music I had some solid sobriety under my belt, and things were very different. I believe it says somewhere in AAs Bigbook that most recovered alcoholics have no problem being in bars, provided there's a good reason to be there. For me, it turned out that just to hang out wasn't the best reason. There are better places to be. Supporting your boyfriends band sounds like a sound reason to me, but I'd be incredibly cautious, especially in early sobriety. I'd advise you to listen closely to what your disease, addictive voice, or whatever you want to call it starts telling you. Especially in the days following the hang in the bar.

I don't live in fear of drinking alcohol and don't feel I ever did, but I was very cautious for many years, which I believe has paid off. And I still don't believe I'm immune to ever picking up a drink again. No desire or intention to, but I've seen lots of people do things they never believed they would. I'm only human.

myheartaches

There are people I am sure who do not have other activities and never did without alcohol, but I'm not one of those people. For example, I spent 5 hours in a yoga studio today working on nothing but postures. It's an activity which I have been doing for over 12 years, but more than just an activity for me, it's a practice I've been dedicated to for years and now not drinking I have even more determination to be more involved and explore how it can really heal me. I've also been running long distance since I was 10, so that's 25 yrs. I"m a writer, I play guitar and I sing. I also take care of a home, a dog, have several siblings that I spend a lot of time with and friends that I take time to acknowledge. I meditate and belong in a women's group that meets on a weekly basis. I cook, I clean, I work a full time job...I study, and read in much of my free time.. It wasn't just three weeks ago when I decided to stop consuming alcohol that I started doing all of these things.

I think personifying alcohol the way Joe's counselor did is giving it too much credit. Sure, it's a demon, in a sense, but I think it is mostly when it's consumed, not just when it's sitting in a bottle on the shelf. It's the consumption of alcohol that brings out our inner demons and those are what we are fighting. I don't think it's just the liquid concoction that's sitting on the shelf. It's our minds we have to train, it's our hearts we have to heal. Of course, that's just an opinion.

But there is a common theme I'm noticing in many posts that seems to distinguish "normal" drinkers and alcoholics. We ask why some people can drink and not be labelled alcoholics. Well, I don't know but maybe they just aren't fighting through life the way we are. Maybe they haven't suffered the traumas we have or maybe they have recovered in a healthy way and that's why alcohol consumption isn't a problem for them. If it's not a problem for them, then why is it a problem for us?

It's my own fault that I'm an alcoholic. It's not because I was born an alcoholic. It's because I abused alcohol instead of taking care of my issues so that alcohol didn't become a problem as a result.

We all know that substance abuse is about escaping. It's about escaping from pain, bad memories, life's problems. Long term, short term. Whatever the case. I may one day choose not to go into bars. I still do choose that most days. You don't have to give me any credit, that's not what I am looking for, I was relaying a message. That's really all. I do understand the caution, but it really doesn't take going to a bar for me to pick up a bottle again. If I wanted to I could go to a cafe, a restaurant, my brother's house across the street, or the refrigerator downstairs where my other brother's beer sits right at this moment. I could walk into a liquor store if I wanted to. I understand the cautions, and the point is well taken, but like many of you I am also a spiritual person and have been fighting my way through a life like everyone else. If the demons are in the bar on the shelf then likely they exist around every corner. Just a thought.

freshstart57

Alcohol can do pushups? So that's where that story started!

MHA, I think you are doing just fabulous. Keep doing what you are doing, keep believing in yourself, and you are going to be just fine. I just hope you stick around and keep sharing your wisdom, your strength and your experience. We can use more of that around here. Onward!

Joe Nerv

It's beginning to seem like you very much enjoy taking jabs at whatever doesn't conform to what you did and do to stay sober. What's the deal with that? People here are offering their experience, to try and be helpful, and you can't control your urge to throw out snarky, sarcastic responses. Is this what AVRT teaches you? Do you feel threatened somehow by some of us? I'm missing something here.

RobbyRobot

Not drinking is awesome. Do we as former drinkers have real choice to not drink? I do. As a recovered alcoholic, do I still have real choice to not drink? Yeah, I do. As a drinking alcoholic back in my day, did I still have real choice to drink or not? No, I didn't. My active alcoholism was making the drinking choice for me. I was powerless to successfully stop drinking, with success meaning never drink again. I was powerless not because I was helpless, but because I was thinking with an alcoholic mind, and such a mindset will never support quitting forever. Unthinkable. Sure, quit for a time. Quit for a special goal or for a required accomplishment. Quit forever? Not with an alcoholic mind could I have ever quit and stayed quit.

My quit day is July 22, 1981. It was a Wednesday. What was different this time was I was openly asking for real help from others who had already quit. For me, this meant AA and residential rehab. First time for both. I really hated asking for help back then. Even now, its not my first choice, lol, but whatever. I had told my family to not visit me. My older brother visited me anyways within a week or so and we went to lunch at a licenced restaurant. He ordered himself a beer and ordered me the same. I didn't drink that beer. Not even close. We talked about the beer for me. He was sure I could drink eventually, and because I was feeling so awesome in being very relaxed about not drinking the beer, he thought I had aced this whole alcoholism deal cold. Well, he was wrong.

I already knew I wasn't going to drink that beer that time. My alcoholic mind was playing things very carefully, because I had never asked for help the way I was now. I had really shown myself that I wanted real help, and this new thing I was doing was something that just didn't play right in my alcoholic thinking. Saying no to a beer one day that I knew I could have another day wasn't a big deal. What was different was talking about why I was saying no to that beer in front of me. I knew I was saying no forever, and my alcoholic mind , for its part, knew I was saying no just for today.

My alcoholic mind was telling me just for today. Yeah, well. Not so fast. This time will be different, I told myself. This time its forever.

Three months later I graduated my rehab and also completed my 12 steps. I openly told whoever would listen that I had now recovered from my alcoholism. Awesome. My life was still broken, still a challenge to rid myself of my baggage and get my ducks all in a row for my so-called better life now directly in front of me. Being recovered from alcoholism didn't mean everything was gravy. It really just meant my alcoholism illness was now in remission. I could think for myself. Do for myself. Be myself. As the years went on, my quality of life improved personally and materially. The material advancements from street living basics to sustainable wealth is hardly as important as my personal achievements and accomplishments. If I had not quit the way I did quit I wouldn't be here anymore. Serious stuff. We all don't make it out. I'm still grateful I'm not drinking. Still happy I'm not drunk. Still sober.

For myself, I don't think alcohol is waiting for me to trip up if I enter a bar. I don't believe my alcoholism is doing push-ups either while I'm in a bar. Having said that though, it is clear to me that this is only true because my alcoholism is in remission. Otherwise, drinking would be on the menu for me as today's special no less, lol.

Back to my brother and his beers. Sure I felt great saying no. Feelings are not enough to keep myself from never drinking though. I knew that at the time. I didn't believe the lie that feeling good meant I was doing good. When I started drinking age 12, I felt absolutely good about drinking. It didn't last though. Ironically, feeling good about not drinking didn't last either when I last quit. Feelings come and go, and so building truth on feelings is like spitting into the wind. Sometimes it works for a time depending on the weather. Other times it doesn't, again depending on the weather. I tried getting clever and control the weather, but epic fail for me. I'm powerless to control whatever things enough to seriously make a real difference. I simply don't have the power of self for that much difference. So feelings and thoughts for me are in the moment experiences at the end of the day, and not an indication of my own levels of empowerment. Actions taken for me are a real barometer, a real measure of my empowerment to make a difference in my own life. Choices are everything. A well lived life speaks for itself. Actions taken have power enough for me to make real differences in my life.

Interesting thread. Powerful experiences being shared. Awesome. We're all right in our own ways, I believe. I respect differences in others. I do know none of us are right if we're all wrong. I don't see any of us as being all wrong.

freshstart57

Joe, you are right, that was an unnecessarily graceless comment, completely uncalled for. I apologize.

Joe Nerv

While showering just now, it occurred to me that it might be helpful if I elaborate a bit on the "pushups" thing. Since it seems to stir a few people up.

I'll start by stating that the pushups thing is an analogy (a comparison of two things based on their being alike in some way). And IMO, a helpful one. Do I think alcohol is doing pushups? I can only LOL at that. Do I think my disease (alcoholic voice, or whatever you choose to call it) is capable of doing pushups, I LOL again, BUT as an analogy - sheeitt yeah, I believe it's accurate. Is it doing pushups today, with me? Not a chance. Yet if I were hanging out in bars every weekend and not doing anything to support my sobriety, the analogy fits quite well. And worked in the past as a healthy reminder for me.

Should note also that I'm not referring to the OP. I believe I stated my thoughts regarding that in my last post. Just sharing what was passed along and worked for me. My experience, strength, and hope.

And ya don't have to agree with me .

myheartaches

Wowwww! Thanks for sharing this it's great and inspiring and hopeful and honest and caring.

You're awesome!

myheartaches

I think that's the idea of this forum, so it's all good with me. I can't thank you enough.

Finnie

I couldn't do it. I have been in to watch a game and that was fine. 2 1/2 hours. In out.

Out till 2am I could not do.

jdooner

MHA - I just noticed your sober date. Just be careful. I personally have found my mindset has chafed dramatically over the past seven months. I too have frequent bars during that time for various reasons. I have found in the first month I had to leave. I found I could not have it in my mini bar in my hotel and actually poured all the booze out in my toilet. I found around month four plus months at the Company Christmas party my thoughts were strained while attending the event in the bar - no longer did I want a drink my thoughts shifted to guzzling a bottle of vodka. Six months in I was able to be in a bar to listen to music with friends and colleagues but it still does not feel right. Over time I am sure being in a bar for legit other reasons will be easier but it creates an easy temptation for an alcoholic/addict like myself.

Thanks for a provocative and lively thread.

bigsombrero

I agree, that's why I threw some cautious optimism on the post as well.

In early sobriety, I was desperate to believe my bar life was not over, just because I didn't drink anymore. I convinced myself that I'd be the sober driver, or that things would be even BETTER because I was sober....and yes, I also tried to convince myself that it would be a cinch to chat up drunk women! I went to a bar for lunch the first day after I got out of a treatment center, because I knew I was going to need to re-acclimate myself to the scene. Test myself. Get to know how the bar felt in a sober mind, etc, etc, etc.

This was all wrong. I think anyone with some sober time under their belt can see what was going on there.

We are all different. I'm glad you enjoyed your night out. But I would be going against my principles if I gave you a pat on the back and encouraged more nights like this. Just my thoughts. Again, we're all different and I am glad you're sober, OP.