myheartaches

I've been reading through so many of the threads, and leaving my comments as well, and so much of what I say and others share about their experiences brings me to envision things I recall not being so nice.

I remember people, times, places, scenes, situations, myself reliving all the bad moments I had, the moments, when I was at the bar and when that one beer or drink put me over the edge, where I had to struggle to see clearly, speak and respond, and formulate proper sentences, walk straight and not pee my pants or pee in a public place and hope I didn't get arrested, wonder how I was getting home, and when. Wonder why I went home with such and such a person or groups of people to unknown places and put myself in danger to do goodness knows what, to do who knows what, willingly or unwillingly. All the many many many nights when I didn't have a car or the buses or subways weren't running and it was the middle of the night, and I was by myself, walking alone wasted, a young beautiful girl who didn't know any better than to walk alone, trying to seem inconspicuous, not to draw attention to myself for cops, or predators, or coyotes, or raccoons. Anything that would threaten my safety.

I remember so many nights of being so alone that all I had to do was stay longer at the bar and drink more and let my inhibitions down for anyone to approach me and convince me of anything. What the heck? I wasn't raised to treat myself like that. Why did I enjoy this so much? Why did I do it for so long? I feel sorry for my young self, I was just a kid in so many ways stunting my growth, without knowing the damage it was to do in the long run, and the long run of repair I am in for for this damage.

Thank you to my Being of Higher Power and all the good energy and spirits that have guided me and brought me to now. Thank you so much and please help me with the courage to hold ground on this and to never look back. Aho, Amen and Namaste.

matt4x4

Like the song by Kid Rock.
Only God Knows Why

IOAA2

"Thank you so much and please help me with the courage to hold ground on this and to never look back."
In the beginning alcohol did what it was supposed to do, make me relax and feel comfortable. Being compulsive I wanted more, more and it over a period of time became a bad habit then a crutch to help me function, though poorly. I was very undisciplined and it took too long to gain any insight that included a way to stop the whirlpool I was trapped in.
For a long time, years, I needed to REMEMBER WHEN and not gloss over the many painful periods that alcohol caused. Today it's good to feel comfortable in my own skin without any escape products.

BE WELL

InTheEnd

I guess I found the first couple of hours appealing. The warm feeling of those first few drinks, the "connection" with friends on what I believed was a deeper feeling than it was. So witty, clever and funny I believe I am when I first start drinking. Sometimes I was....but after a few hours, that person had left the building! So far, any reminiscing I do in my mind for the good ole days, I force myself to remember the bad, the isolation and loneliness it turned into lately. The "alone" part was the worst, even when I was spending time with friends, I was alone......hiding. If that makes any sense...

myheartaches

Yes, it does, I was thinking on the way to and from work today about how much I used alcohol for escapism. I thought because I was going to counselors, praying, meditation, doing inner spiritual work and body work that I was working on my healing of past traumas...and now I realize, what I learned would be relearned and relearned again after being erased from the effects of alcohol.

I was a functional alcoholic, but a dysfunctional human being.

Was I trying to escape pain? Or was I simply trying to feel elation and then sedation?

Gottalife

Alcohol fixed "IT".

matt4x4

Alcohol made "IT" worse, I only thought it fixed "IT"

LadyBlue0527

This makes COMPLETE sense!

I also found that the few hours decreased and decreased until there was no appeal left. Just the act of drinking itself or waiting for the act of drinking. That's all that life became.

soberclover

Great post and reminder of what I "thought" drinking was about in terms of the connections I believed I was making. In reality it was a very lonely place; my last year of active drinking was so sad now that I look back at it...at least what I can remember of it. It's good to be on the other side now

Mrmellow11

Been reading on it for the last few months wondering why I don't feel "normal" yet it seems that our brains become accustomed to alcohol and then start needing more and more to reach that high so unfortunately that's why it takes so long to recover

StraightAhead

This is exactly right. I find that if I just think about how much I don't like the bad part it's a lot easier to resist that first drink. Hopefully that will become my habit: thinking about having the first drink, and then immediately thinking about all the great reasons NOT to have that first drink. I find myself so much happier later in the evening when I'm not all anesthetized, and the next morning when I wake up rested and refreshed instead of with a headache.

It's so great to not drink!

karate

Find something to replace it .

That keeps me on task , most of the time .

EndGameNYC

Drinking only brings on and exacerbates the very things we fear and try to avoid by drinking. And then some.

matt4x4

For me, I found the first drink to be disgusting, the second to be warming, the third to be the fuzzy feeling. All within about 15 to 20 minutes. By the fourth, its game on, peddle to the metal.

Cow

In 30+ year drinking career, I has full range of reason. First, I has trauma childhood, and clearly remember first drink was serious like cloud part and sun ray come down and angel sing and I feel HAPPY and SAFE like never before. Could no wait to get drunk again. Next 15 year or so was complete check out into ecstatic oblivion of drink, drug, club, dancing, mens. I never expect to live past 30. But I do, oops. So after health implode and booze stop working, for while it was desire to find happy oblivion again. Nope, is nowheres to be found. Now that I older, main compulsion is I get bi-polar type manic brain that take over me and demand alcohol to come down. Maybe mania was always there from start, maybe I alter my brain with early addictions, who knows?

So, for me, booze go from jubilant allure to oblivion high to lifestyle habit to chasing dragon to unrewarding destructive compulsion.

myheartaches

I appreciate your honesty and support.I am looking back, not understanding what this fixation is. Why God, can't I be stronger?

Dee74

Like I suggested on another thread maybe it's not strength but acceptance you need acceptance of your condition and acceptance of your forever toxic relationship with alcohol?

D

Forward12

A simple google search for local AA meetings. Walk in, sit down, that's it.

FBL

The problem with alcohol is that for many of us, it works! As a very shy and socially awkward individual, it lowered my inhibitions and made me the life of the party. That party went on for several years. It's when the alcohol stopped working and started to turn me into a depressed, paranoid, suicidal recluse that the REAL "fun" began. I guess that's why they call it powerful, baffling, cunning, etc, etc.

lessgravity

The fact is that for many many people alcohol is fun, feels great, allows them to drop their inhibitions, relaxes them.

Of course for me, and others, alcohol is like a virus, infects my every decision, makes me into a person of low values, who wants only to feed the demon, avoid life, sacrifice everything and everyone to my addiction, and maybe lose everything that means anything to me.

The answer for me was realizing I have the demon that others don't, simple as that.