BumbleBee

I am new here like a lot of people on this particular board. Although funny (sad?) enough, when I tried to register it said I was already registered and I had to recover my password; it seems I registered here over 8 YEARS ago and never posted or came back.

I just spent a bit of time browsing and saw stories that reminded me of mine. I have rarely felt "like an alcoholic" maybe because I have been mostly high functioning. I work out regularly. I am a marathon runner. I run my own business and I have a loving husband and good groups of friends. I guess I always considered these as proof that I was "fine." That maybe I liked to drink more than others, but that it wasn't a real problem. That I could stop if I really wanted to, down the road (always down the road).

The thing is, I know it's been progressing. I mean, I signed up here over 8 years ago! It freaks me out to think I was concerned that long ago and have not stopped.

I usually drink around 2 or 3 glasses of wine or champagne a night. Sometimes I can put away a whole bottle or bottle and a half. At most, I usually only go a day or two without drinking. On the occasion that I have a weekend alone or out of town with some of my friends who are also drinkers, I can stay drunk pretty much all weekend. That doesn't happen often because my husband won't tolerate it, but it happens enough - maybe once every month or other month.

I think the thing that has made me visit here again, after all of these years, is that the amount has progressed so much, and that I don't feel that drunk afterwards. I also hide a LOT of it from my husband, which I am ashamed to admit. The sad thing is that he can't really tell a lot of the time, which is probably b/c my tolerance is so high.

I recently heard Ann Curry tell her story in the news, and it made me think a lot, because wine was also her drink of choice and she seems so high functioning. Then I had an episode a few weeks ago where I came home from a weekend with friends one night and my husband and I got in a fight. I was blackout drunk and don't remember it, but he has let me know I have to stop completely. I am scared because for the first time, I don't think I can. Now that "down the road" has become now, I am breaking my own rules. My alcohol consumption had actually INCREASED since he made his ultimatum - almost as if I am afraid of parting with it. I will wake up in the morning determined not to drink, and by mid afternoon it's as if I am of another mind completely and feel like it's not a problem. 'I'll just have drinks again tonight and stop tomorrow instead.' I am rational enough to know this is a problem, but I still do it.

Anyway, I am not in any kind of recovery yet, so I didn't post in that forum. I have just told a therapist and psychiatrist about this - it's new for me to visit either.

I am not sure what I am looking for by posting here. Guess I just wanted to share this with someone, since I haven't yet been this honest with anyone, not even myself.

feeling-good

I am glad you are here and very glad that you survived the last 9 years Stick around this time and you will find a way that works for you.

Lovenjoy

Welcome BumbleBee! So glad you found SR and are taking the steps to get honest with yourself. You'll be glad you did! There is sooooo much information and support here for us. It's a brand new day and it's wonderful you are ready to get started. Seeing professionals was a great first step. I know you can do this, don't wait another 9 years. As you are seeing, it doesn't get better. But when you embrace sobriety and then recovery it gets better every day. Really.

ScottFromWI

Welcome Bumblebee. Take heart in the fact that your story is not uncommon and the issue you face are similar to those that many of us do.

I was also a mythical "high functioning" alcoholic for many years. It sounds like you've finally realized that we merely use our ability to perform at work as an excuse to keep drinking, despite the fact that we know it's not good for us. And as you are already noticing, that "high functioning" is merely a stage of alcohlism..it ALWAYS gets worse. Eventually it's a struggle to function at all, and many lose their jobs, families - even their lives.

The good news is you still have time to make a change before a lot of the really bad stuff happens to you. Seeing your therapist sounds like a great first step as well as joining back up here at SR. I use SR as my main support and it's helped keep me sober for quite some time now, a wonderful place.

Bubovski

Welcome BB.
Having experienced alcoholism, from the extreme to the more sublime, over many decades I am quite convinced of its efficacy in causing dis-ease.
It is possible to rationalize our drinking patterns only to discover our fudgy logic has led us, and is leading us, astray.
Personally, 2nd time around, I am finding AA to be of sound value, and also apply some other methods as back up.
The debilitating effects can be quite sneaky, far removed from the old stereotypes,yet subtle killers in their own right.
Here's to fitness; I used to be a runner too.

huntingtontx

Welcome and so glad you found us. I come here every day, and it is working for me. I also called myself a high functioning alcoholic. I never drove drunk, I never missed work, my home is in order and I could quit for a few days when I wanted. BUT.....I got tired of the blackouts, feeling puffy, and wanting to stop, just not knowing how. I quit, came here and have been here daily since. The people are great, support is honest and for the most part kind. Great place to be. We have meeting here at 8 pm Eastern Time on Tuesday and Friday. I learn so much in the meetings. I try not to miss them. Anyway, welcome. I am glad you found us.

HeadLump

Welcome, Bumblebee You'll find lots of support and wisdom here

BumbleBee

Thanks so much for all of the encouraging posts and even for just reading my story. I think I kind of get the appeal behind 'confession' now as this burden or issue feels a bit lighter already - not a big difference, but a bit lighter somehow - just by having written it out.

It also feels encouraging in a way to know that I am not the only "mythical high functioning" alcoholic (it is very new to call myself that word btw) and that I'm not crazy to be of these 'two' minds about it. The part of me that rationalizes and uses my successes to do so is SO stubborn. That part of me is also really blind to how many times I have effed up because of this same old issue. I am tired of that part of me winning.

huntington - can anyone come to the meetings here? even if you are new and have not made a full commitment to recovery yet?

heath480

Welcome to SR Bumblebee,glad you are here.

Amajorityofone

Friend-

Life is simple. We make it complicated. Can you stop for just, one, day? That's all I ever ask myself to do. Astronomic changes often come from tiny beginnings.

Food for thought

KateL

Welcome Bumblebee xxxx

Jade1224

Oh my gosh I'm thinking this right now!

High functioning alcoholics are dangerous because we think everything is fine.

I relate to this entire post.

I feel like since I am successful in all other aspects of my life that I don't have a problem.

Im having a really hard time with this.

Thank you for this post.

ForestRunner

I can relate, too. Especially about the ultimatum part, except it happened a little differently for me. I told my hubby I had a problem and had to stop. He agreed and, after that, I felt a lot of pressure to stop immediately and the anxiety from that made me drink even more, kind of like a bear preparing to hibernate. Then all the sneaking and hiding made me feel horrible and I finally decided to stop for me. I had a couple slip-ups since the New Year but I can say sobriety is so much better than the alternative. Like another poster said, just take it one day at a time. Don't beat yourself up. It took a long time to get here and you are not alone.

KF85

I usually drink around 2 or 3 glasses of wine or champagne a night. Sometimes I can put away a whole bottle or bottle and a half. At most, I usually only go a day or two without drinking.

This is me. My usual is a couple glasses of wine. Sometimes a whole bottle, but not usually. I will take a day, maybe two off once in a while, but lately those days are less frequent (one day once a week at most). It's habit, and it's a bad one. I assume if I don't stop now I will progress. I also recently heard the story about the NBC news woman and her alcoholism, which I related to as well and honestly made me look at myself harder. She wasn't getting plastered, she didn't have any "issues" really, but it was becoming tiresome and it WAS alcohol abuse. Starting to feel the same way about myself, and that's why I'm here.

KF85

And my hubby doesn't care for me to stop. It actually makes it a little more difficult to want to stop. He doesn't see an issue with me drinking a couple glasses of wine most nights. From his perspective I get it, I'm not combative, I don't get "drunk", he knows I have a lot of stress and anxiety, and it helps me. But from my perspective that inner voice is telling me it's a problem. He is supportive either way but last night said "I don't even notice if or when you drink, I won't no the difference".

BumbleBee

Thank you KF85, ForestRunner, and Jade for sharing your similar issues. I don't know why, but it helps to feel not so alone.

I am trying this today. Thanks for the simple suggestion. So far it's as been hard, but not too hard. I expect it to be harder tonight. I'm making plans so I won't be sitting here thinking about it.

BumbleBee

So I survived 1 day without a drink. As I mentioned, this isn't so surprising for me, as I can usually go a day or 2 here or there. But this time felt a little different because I don't have a drink to look forward to in a few days. Making it to day 3 will be a real challenge for me.

Hanging out here and posting and reading is helping.

Dee74

Congratulations on day one BumbleBee.

Have you considered joining our Class of March support thread?
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-2014-a-2.html

D

soberlife123

Congratulations

BumbleBee

Thanks law girl! I am only on day 3, and posting here today is helping a lot!