New Here, Confused
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,960
Originally Posted by KF85 
Thanks matrac. I can relate. I have been using the wine to kind of shut my brain off at night (not totally obviously or I would be drinker larger amounts lol) and quit stressing about everything that I still have to do, or have to do tomorrow etc. I definitely suffer from anxiety and obsessive worry and thinking and wine medicates that. I do think I'm becoming more tolerant, but a couple glasses is still enough to get the edge off, but yea, the fact that when I do finish a bottle, I'm still not "Drunk" is a sign of higher tolerance for sure, even though I tend to drink slowly. And I think I am drinking most nights out of habit, when I'm home, etc.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 138
KF85...one more thing. We have talked before on this forum, maybe you've seen the threads, about what to me is a disturbing, specific romanticization of wine among women..."mommy's juice," t-shirts that say "my book club can drink your book club under the table." It's very easy to get the message that it's something everyone does, and it's fun, and it's no big deal. That was an issue in my finally coming to terms with my wine habit, and I just wanted to point it out.
Good luck!
Good luck!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: florida
Posts: 26
Welcome!! I remember when I drank Boones Farm as a teenager (years ago) I was the only one who drank as much as everybody else but never really felt drunk. I thought I was the one who could handle her booze. What I realize now, it just took the whole bottle to get me tipsy so I drank more and more. Thought I could stop anytime but at some point I lost the choice. I crossed that line and lost control. Now here I am, getting sober at age 48! Shoulda quit back then when I struggled to get as drunk as my friends. That should have been my first clue that I wasn't a "normal drinker". Good Luck to you and I wish you the clarity to see what is happening to you.
Mini Novel Post Writer
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Maine
Posts: 3,649
KF85, welcome to the board!
From your posts it sounds like you recognize you might have a potential problem and want to nip it in the bud.
Responses to your post are going to vary. This board is made up of people who are either here to help others because they're sober, and happy about it, or those who understand that they can't drink but are having a hard time staying sober. The baffling part of addiction is that at any given moment those two roles can reverse, regardless of how long it's been since that last drink. We all know addiction well and how we will lie to ourselves, and believe it, in order to continue drinking. It's natural when someone comes here to post that we read the post and wonder if things aren't being made more minimal than they are. That's because that's what us addicts do. If we have no real problem then there's no need to quit.
This is why honesty with yourself is key. If what you're saying is true then it does sound like you're on the threshold of passing into a possible addiction. You tell yourself that you're not going to drink that evening and you go ahead and do it anyway. That is a sign of a problem. To be fair though, if you're being honest, outside of the fact that you're drinking more than you should alcohol has not "yet" caused you any problems. So it's easy to go ahead and pick up that drink. I remember those days, it felt so adult to pull a cold beer out of the fridge when I got home and put my feet up to relax. That was in the beginning and here I am today.
It does really sound to me like you recognize that something is going on and you're doing something about it. There is a definite threshold that you pass through where you go from alcohol being a non issue to when it begins to speak to you on a daily basis. Be aware that no one knows where that threshold lies and by the time we pull that final foot over and pass through for good, the addiction becomes more important than the fact of what we're doing. We just don't care. That's where the hell really begins.
I started out right where you are. The same questions in my mind. I am now on my 4th long term attempt to quit and this time I've had it. I am now 9 months out and very happy. On my 3rd attempt to quit, when the addiction started speaking to me, I made a deal with myself. I would go back to drinking and if I ended up in the same place with alcohol that would be it, I would have to quit "forever" (a word hated by all addicts). Even the threat to myself of total absence of alcohol in my life forever didn't work. That's just how strong addiction is.
Save yourself before you get there.
From your posts it sounds like you recognize you might have a potential problem and want to nip it in the bud.
Responses to your post are going to vary. This board is made up of people who are either here to help others because they're sober, and happy about it, or those who understand that they can't drink but are having a hard time staying sober. The baffling part of addiction is that at any given moment those two roles can reverse, regardless of how long it's been since that last drink. We all know addiction well and how we will lie to ourselves, and believe it, in order to continue drinking. It's natural when someone comes here to post that we read the post and wonder if things aren't being made more minimal than they are. That's because that's what us addicts do. If we have no real problem then there's no need to quit.
This is why honesty with yourself is key. If what you're saying is true then it does sound like you're on the threshold of passing into a possible addiction. You tell yourself that you're not going to drink that evening and you go ahead and do it anyway. That is a sign of a problem. To be fair though, if you're being honest, outside of the fact that you're drinking more than you should alcohol has not "yet" caused you any problems. So it's easy to go ahead and pick up that drink. I remember those days, it felt so adult to pull a cold beer out of the fridge when I got home and put my feet up to relax. That was in the beginning and here I am today.
It does really sound to me like you recognize that something is going on and you're doing something about it. There is a definite threshold that you pass through where you go from alcohol being a non issue to when it begins to speak to you on a daily basis. Be aware that no one knows where that threshold lies and by the time we pull that final foot over and pass through for good, the addiction becomes more important than the fact of what we're doing. We just don't care. That's where the hell really begins.
I started out right where you are. The same questions in my mind. I am now on my 4th long term attempt to quit and this time I've had it. I am now 9 months out and very happy. On my 3rd attempt to quit, when the addiction started speaking to me, I made a deal with myself. I would go back to drinking and if I ended up in the same place with alcohol that would be it, I would have to quit "forever" (a word hated by all addicts). Even the threat to myself of total absence of alcohol in my life forever didn't work. That's just how strong addiction is.
Save yourself before you get there.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 71
KF85...one more thing. We have talked before on this forum, maybe you've seen the threads, about what to me is a disturbing, specific romanticization of wine among women..."mommy's juice," t-shirts that say "my book club can drink your book club under the table." It's very easy to get the message that it's something everyone does, and it's fun, and it's no big deal. That was an issue in my finally coming to terms with my wine habit, and I just wanted to point it out.
This is a very good point. I think it has been easy for me to normalize my drinking because heck, I "deserve" it right? I don't drink that "much" at a time, it is often marketed as something "Everyone" does but I am realizing that that is very untrue. I didn't drink again last night so so far so good. Going into the weekend I feel good, weekends don't general trigger more drinking for me, less actually, I am more likely to pass on it on the weekend as I am not so stressed. I appreciate all the support here
This is a very good point. I think it has been easy for me to normalize my drinking because heck, I "deserve" it right? I don't drink that "much" at a time, it is often marketed as something "Everyone" does but I am realizing that that is very untrue. I didn't drink again last night so so far so good. Going into the weekend I feel good, weekends don't general trigger more drinking for me, less actually, I am more likely to pass on it on the weekend as I am not so stressed. I appreciate all the support here
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Here, EH!!!
Posts: 1,337
Exellent point. The body mass of an individual who is drinking is quite importatnt to the effects alcohol has on the body. That is exactly why i say the amount of alcohol really has no bearing, it is what it does to us that is crucial to understand. All I can do here is share how I stayed sober for countless years now. I cant share on how others are sober, I know what has worked for me and what has not. They only program I found to work, and has worked for millions of other people is the 12 steps of AA. There are hundreds and hundreds of other programs that follow the same steps as the original AA, they just change the word alcohol to another word. Like nicotine, or gambling, over-eaters, debtors, shopoholics, binge eaters, bulemia, the eating disorder where they puke their food up. I think theres like 500+ of these programs that follow the orginial 12 steps of AA. That tells us something, that it really works. Its so successful that other people follow the same steps for other disorders. I know of no other program anywhere that is like that.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 71
Well I have a larger body mass so that could be why it doesn't affect me much, sadly I'm still around 200 lbs after having two kids, and that excuse is starting to run out :-) I have lost about 10 lbs since Christmas just by trying to eat healthier and move more.
Well I did not drink anything Weds, Thurs, Fri, or Sat, but did have one drink yesterday, I wasn't even thinking about it really. Went to a birthday party and the host had made Sangria and I had a glass. I suppose I shouldn't have just because I did say I was going to abstain, but it didn't "hurt" anything, which is my conflict, and why I was even conflicted coming here. I had a glass, I didn't feel the need for more, I didn't stop at the store on the way home to buy alcohol, etc. I feel bad that I don't feel bad. I will probably get attacked for this post based on how I have read many others but I'm just trying to be honest. I don't even know that I would call it a "slip", it just wasn't a big deal to me. I have not been keeping wine at home since I told myself I would cool it last week and will continue not to.
Well I did not drink anything Weds, Thurs, Fri, or Sat, but did have one drink yesterday, I wasn't even thinking about it really. Went to a birthday party and the host had made Sangria and I had a glass. I suppose I shouldn't have just because I did say I was going to abstain, but it didn't "hurt" anything, which is my conflict, and why I was even conflicted coming here. I had a glass, I didn't feel the need for more, I didn't stop at the store on the way home to buy alcohol, etc. I feel bad that I don't feel bad. I will probably get attacked for this post based on how I have read many others but I'm just trying to be honest. I don't even know that I would call it a "slip", it just wasn't a big deal to me. I have not been keeping wine at home since I told myself I would cool it last week and will continue not to.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by KF85
Went to a birthday party and the host had made Sangria and I had a glass. I suppose I shouldn't have just because I did say I was going to abstain, but it didn't "hurt" anything, which is my conflict, and why I was even conflicted coming here. I had a glass, I didn't feel the need for more, I didn't stop at the store on the way home to buy alcohol, etc. I feel bad that I don't feel bad. I will probably get attacked for this post based on how I have read many others but I'm just trying to be honest.
However, saying that your one drink didn't "hurt" anything is sort of an alcoholic ploy. In my own case, if there was one incident where my drinking didn't get out of hand, it trumped all the times that it did. I would cling to that one incident as "Proof" that I didn't have a problem. Of course I did, and I was only fooling myself.
You will have to decide if you are fooling yourself about your drinking. I can promise you this: quitting doesn't become easier when it's clearly a problem. It's harder. That's part of the problem with drinking.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 71
I don't think I am fooling myself with the one drink I had yesterday. I think maybe it helps me see my issues for what they are, and I do have issues. I can have a social drink, out somewhere (and for what it's worth I rarely go anywhere lol) without it being a problem. If I buy alcohol week after week with my usual groceries, and keep it in the house, I will drink it, most nights without really thinking about it. So I think it's clear I shouldn't have it in the house, at least for the forseeable future, because the habit needs broken.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 71
Originally Posted by KF85
Thanks matrac. I can relate. I have been using the wine to kind of shut my brain off at night (not totally obviously or I would be drinker larger amounts lol) and quit stressing about everything that I still have to do, or have to do tomorrow etc. I definitely suffer from anxiety and obsessive worry and thinking and wine medicates that. I do think I'm becoming more tolerant, but a couple glasses is still enough to get the edge off, but yea, the fact that when I do finish a bottle, I'm still not "Drunk" is a sign of higher tolerance for sure, even though I tend to drink slowly. And I think I am drinking most nights out of habit, when I'm home, etc.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,313
I don't think I am fooling myself with the one drink I had yesterday. I think maybe it helps me see my issues for what they are, and I do have issues. I can have a social drink, out somewhere (and for what it's worth I rarely go anywhere lol) without it being a problem.
It's my reward/retreat, etc, but in the same token, I'm self medicating and I realize it.
D
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 71
But the thing is I didn't self medicate with the one glass of sangria I had yesterday. That wasn't the point. When I reach for the wine bottle at night at home it's definitely to self medicate, I have fully come to realize that, and that's why it needs to stop. Having the one drink at the birthday yesterday was just a beverage and nothing more, and it easily could be. I know that it sounds odd that environment has a lot to do with it but I think it does in this case. I just want to be honest and sort my feelings out here
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 224
OP: I think you need to reassess you situation. If you can take a drink or leave it, that's fine. But are you hurting yourself or others with your drinking? Many folks on here are good people and care about their recovery as well as yours (if necessary); however, I do think there may be an element in the recovery community that thinks if they can't drink no one else should. IMHO, any drinker will be suspect under the tests for alcoholism. I'm no professional by a longshot, but is say as long as you aren't drinking during the day, aren't craving booze, abiding or neglecting your family/responsibilities/or your health, what's the problem? This leads to another question though...if you don't have concerns, why are you posting here?
I had many concerns about my drinking, but I'm also a bit of a hypochondriac. I made some foolish errors on alcohol as a young man (but really, who hasn't?). I went sober for a few months and decided it wasn't worth it. Since my early 20s, my alcohol consumption changed. It changed from getting &$@! faced every weekend to drinking a bit too much every night. Over the years my intake went down, but with age and kids i became concerned i was drinking too much. I'm now to the point of about 2-3 beers per night - is that healthy? Probably not, but neither is eating a sugar infused donut. Will I overindulge a little sometime in the future when out with friends? I'm sure, but that's fine for me and I have accepted it. i think ive learned to show some responsibility and quit blaming beer.
I hope you find your answers. If you really have a problem, you need to get help. Only you know.
I had many concerns about my drinking, but I'm also a bit of a hypochondriac. I made some foolish errors on alcohol as a young man (but really, who hasn't?). I went sober for a few months and decided it wasn't worth it. Since my early 20s, my alcohol consumption changed. It changed from getting &$@! faced every weekend to drinking a bit too much every night. Over the years my intake went down, but with age and kids i became concerned i was drinking too much. I'm now to the point of about 2-3 beers per night - is that healthy? Probably not, but neither is eating a sugar infused donut. Will I overindulge a little sometime in the future when out with friends? I'm sure, but that's fine for me and I have accepted it. i think ive learned to show some responsibility and quit blaming beer.
I hope you find your answers. If you really have a problem, you need to get help. Only you know.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Santa Barbara, SoCal
Posts: 561
I am also confused so I relate to this post. I wouldn't call myself an alcoholic because I don't think about it all day every day or try and make time to drink. I choose to work or exercise over drinking and I normally won't go out if I have a big day the next day. I can stop for a few days. I can go to happy hour and have two drinks if I have a responsibility afterwards. BUT if I have no commitments and I start drinking it's hard to stop. Thats my issue.
My dad and step mom have 3 or 4 cocktails a night.. just vodka and water so its pretty strong... every night and its unfathomable that they won't. They buy cases of vodka. It lasts for a long time. Its just a routine they have. They never drink before 8pm and they go to bed at 11 on weeknights. On Sunday they drink all day but I don't feel like they get drunk. Are they alcoholics? I just don't know.
I feel like it could be different for everyone. If it's a problem for you in your life then you should stop.
My dad and step mom have 3 or 4 cocktails a night.. just vodka and water so its pretty strong... every night and its unfathomable that they won't. They buy cases of vodka. It lasts for a long time. Its just a routine they have. They never drink before 8pm and they go to bed at 11 on weeknights. On Sunday they drink all day but I don't feel like they get drunk. Are they alcoholics? I just don't know.
I feel like it could be different for everyone. If it's a problem for you in your life then you should stop.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,313
Originally Posted by KF85
But the thing is I didn't self medicate with the one glass of sangria I had yesterday. That wasn't the point. When I reach for the wine bottle at night at home it's definitely to self medicate, I have fully come to realize that, and that's why it needs to stop. Having the one drink at the birthday yesterday was just a beverage and nothing more, and it easily could be. I know that it sounds odd that environment has a lot to do with it but I think it does in this case. I just want to be honest and sort my feelings out here
I thought my environment was the problem too...so I stopped going to pubs and went around to peoples houses instead.
Then I stopped going around to peoples places to drink, and I drank alone.
I still couldn't stop.
If you're a drinker like me, and honestly I can't see anything in your posts that suggests you're not, then you'll find that even one glass will ultimately keep you in that addiction loop.
The leap from one social glass back to bottle/s is a tiny one
Your addiction doesn't care from environment...but it will happily allow you to delude yourself that you're a normal drinker now.
time will tell I guess.
For your sake I'll be very happy to be proved wrong KF
D
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 224
I feel like it could be different for everyone. If it's a problem for you in your life then you should stop.
I'm probably an alcoholic by many standards, but my wife, my kids and friends (even non-drinkers have ever said anything - my mom on the other hand thinks everyone is an alcoholic since she has only drank once in her life). But, I'm probably also a boiled crawfish addict as well...I swear I will go out of my way and spend money I don't have to get that stuff....and I can eat 15 pounds in one sitting by myself.
I asked myself some pretty serious questions and I didn't like the answers. I was drinking too much for a responsible husband and father. I have a friend who bragged that his dad drinks 6 beers every night. I thought "damn, that dude has problems, I would never want to end up doing that", then I realized "I drink 5 or 6 per night...I'm no different". So, I did something about it. One read of The Lost Weekend was an eye opener - I couldn't really identify with the "protagonist", but it pretty much scared me straight - I recommend it. You need to ask yourself some tough questions as well and do something about it...whether that something is complete abstinence or otherwise. I feel that I can "handle" 3 beers and that's now my limit...unless a special occasion with buddies calls for a few more.
On a related topic, I was at a bar/grill a few weeks ago. My family and I were enjoying a brunch of sorts. We were up on the roof of the restaurant. I was enjoying a beer. We saw this guy on the street and he couldn't stand up and kept falling over...obviously drunk. His wife pulled up and he got in the car and he started beating the hell out of her. When you see things like that at 2:00 p.m. on a Sunday, I couldn't understand how someone could get like that on a beautiful Sunday afternoon. Things like that only reinforce your desire to never end up like that. I felt really bad for the guy...I'm sure he never wanted to end up like that and there go I but for the grace of God.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Mid Atlantic
Posts: 23
I've been where you are and do understand. Honestly I LIKE the taste of wine. I like being able to unwind. I drank only at home. All I can say is that for me I very specifically KNEW there were times I was self medicating to deal with stresses. I'm too new at all of this to say whether you are or not. I will probably get flamed for this but for those who can manage to keep things under control I don't think that drinking in moderation is some horrible thing. That said my problem is that I built up a tolerance from all that 2-3 glasses of wine a couple of times a week and it wound up turning into a bottle of wine a night habit to get the same "buzz" and feeling of relaxation. I even rationalized that for awhile because by every survey I took my drinking wasn't affecting anyone and I was high functioning. Sorry to turn this into me just want to say I relate, I truly do. If you really want your own answers though quit for 1-2 weeks totally and see how you do. You will get your own answers that way and you'll figure it out. Tough thing is if you discover you do have an issue what to do about it. Giving up that liquid treat is HARD.
Good luck-tough stuff!
-A
Last drink 2/7/14
Good luck-tough stuff!
-A
Last drink 2/7/14
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 85
Originally Posted by KF85
I have been looking over this forum for about a week and decided to join. I'm 28, married, two preschool age kids, good full time job. I started drinking regularly about 2 years ago, I think mostly out of boredom.
I'm starting to think that it's too much. I don't have any health issues, my job and my family aren't suffering, I have anywhere from 2 glasses to a whole bottle of wine at least 5-6 nights a week. I can easily stop at 2 glasses if I want to and if it's a bad day I will sometimes finish a bottle, but I never really feel "drunk" just relaxed. "Googling" different things have left me confused. Some people drink like this and don't consider themselves alcoholics. I easily take a night or two off most weeks and having a glass or two never sets off a more more more frenzy in regards to alcohol.
HOWEVER - lately I have been more tired and my depression seems to have come back some and I think it could be related to consistent alcohol consumption, and I have realized that despite wanting to have more "nights off" from even a glass of wine, I will often wake up those days thinking "OK not gonna drink anything tonight" and by the time I get off work I have changed my mind, looking here I suppose that means I have an "AV" that's convincing me sometimes? Then logically I think, well I'm not hurting anything, it's not like 3 glasses of wine even gets me drunk in the least, it's my reward/retreat, etc, but in the same token, I'm self medicating and I realize it. I took a risk assessment for AA and only got a score of 2 (out of like 12), a score of 4 or more means you are an alcoholic. Blah. Anyway, going to chat here to sort out of my feelings and get more motivation to try to "quit while I'm ahead" perhaps!
I'm starting to think that it's too much. I don't have any health issues, my job and my family aren't suffering, I have anywhere from 2 glasses to a whole bottle of wine at least 5-6 nights a week. I can easily stop at 2 glasses if I want to and if it's a bad day I will sometimes finish a bottle, but I never really feel "drunk" just relaxed. "Googling" different things have left me confused. Some people drink like this and don't consider themselves alcoholics. I easily take a night or two off most weeks and having a glass or two never sets off a more more more frenzy in regards to alcohol.
HOWEVER - lately I have been more tired and my depression seems to have come back some and I think it could be related to consistent alcohol consumption, and I have realized that despite wanting to have more "nights off" from even a glass of wine, I will often wake up those days thinking "OK not gonna drink anything tonight" and by the time I get off work I have changed my mind, looking here I suppose that means I have an "AV" that's convincing me sometimes? Then logically I think, well I'm not hurting anything, it's not like 3 glasses of wine even gets me drunk in the least, it's my reward/retreat, etc, but in the same token, I'm self medicating and I realize it. I took a risk assessment for AA and only got a score of 2 (out of like 12), a score of 4 or more means you are an alcoholic. Blah. Anyway, going to chat here to sort out of my feelings and get more motivation to try to "quit while I'm ahead" perhaps!
You are asking the right questions, and I think you already know the answers too. I can't tell you what to do, but I can tell you that my situation was very, very close to yours. And when I did make the decision to quit, I was really worried about it. But it has been all good. I feel better, I have more energy, I wake up without a headache, I am happier. I could go on and on. I would really encourage you to think deeply about the points you made in your post and ask yourself what kind of life you want to have. You have young kids who are going to be modeling themselves on you, and I can guarantee you that you will be a better dad if you don't drink.
Best to you, KF!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 85
Originally Posted by angstfull
I've been where you are and do understand. Honestly I LIKE the taste of wine. I like being able to unwind. I drank only at home. All I can say is that for me I very specifically KNEW there were times I was self medicating to deal with stresses. I'm too new at all of this to say whether you are or not. I will probably get flamed for this but for those who can manage to keep things under control I don't think that drinking in moderation is some horrible thing. That said my problem is that I built up a tolerance from all that 2-3 glasses of wine a couple of times a week and it wound up turning into a bottle of wine a night habit to get the same "buzz" and feeling of relaxation. I even rationalized that for awhile because by every survey I took my drinking wasn't affecting anyone and I was high functioning. Sorry to turn this into me just want to say I relate, I truly do. If you really want your own answers though quit for 1-2 weeks totally and see how you do. You will get your own answers that way and you'll figure it out. Tough thing is if you discover you do have an issue what to do about it. Giving up that liquid treat is HARD.
Good luck-tough stuff!
-A
Last drink 2/7/14
Good luck-tough stuff!
-A
Last drink 2/7/14
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