Tetra

Some nights are just the worst. I try to tell myself not to believe everything my mind tells me about myself late at night. (I'm such a loser, who is going to ever hire me? etc. etc.)

Sometimes I'm doing something and a memory just pops into my head.

Like when I'm at my Grans and I think this is the chair I was sitting in when I collapsed.

Or when I see an ambulance and I say a prayer for the person inside. I remember my own journey to hospital after my second seizure. Then after my dad drove me home from the hospital, I hit my face on the pavement getting out of the car, so it was back to hospital. I can't pass by that place now without turning my head away.

Actually the doctor told me I am "prone to seizures". Now I don't have epilepsy (I have had all the tests). I have had three over the course of my life. One when I was a tiny baby and I was on medication until I was about 5 years old. Then I had two in my late 20s when I was drinking.

Actually the doctor told me it's just the way I am. He said taking into account the fact that I had one as a tiny baby, the tendency to seizure was always there. It's not just caused by my alcoholism, obviously that didn't help either. But I take a small amount of medication at night and I will probably have to take it for the rest of my life.

When I was in university there was a girl in my class who did have epilepsy but we didn't know about it until she had a seizure in front of us in class one day. She didn't want anyone to know. I haven't had one in two and a half years, so he told me to stop worrying, just take your medication and I'll be fine. He also said "I suspect that if you try to live a stress free, simple life, you won't have anything to worry about".

Tonight I am struggling with all these thoughts. Ah, I don't know...

seahorse661

I can't comment on the seizure issue as I have no experience there,
I do, however also have 'flashbacks' to things I said or did while drinking and it sends me into such a sad, ashamed state of mind. I acknowledge the feeling, think about the situation for a minute or two, then remind myself that I don't make those decisions anymore and I don't get into those type of situations anymore either.

Tetra, you're making amazing progress in your recovery, especially considering your stressful home life, dont let past issues get you down for too long.

Tetra

Sometimes I just want to feel "normal"...whatever that is.

I've had this discussion with my therapist a few times. I'm a 33 year old, unemployed, single, recovering alcoholic living with my parents.

He says "yes, but you are also a gentle, kind, reserved, refined woman, a highly trained teacher, you have studied at three different universities, and there aren't many people who can say that. Why are you always putting yourself down? You are a recovering alcoholic but you are so much more".

Sorry I am blathering. I had a drinking dream last night which really upset me. Thanks for listening x

Tetra

Sad and ashamed...yes this is it! Thank you x

Mags1

Hi tetra, memories can make us go through trauma we don't want to re-live again.
It can't be nice for you with your memories of seizures, I can't remember exact words but I think it was Redmayne said look back but don't linger. Xx

matrac

Everyone has a seizure threshold and yours may be lower than others. This doesn't mean you have epilepsy, it just means that what ever can cause seizures can cause one in you easier than it would for me. Seizures are just a symptom and not a disease in and of itself. That being said millions of people have epilepsy - nothing to be ashamed about at all. One of my dearest childhood friends had epilepsy and I was her only friend - she was great.

Mags1

Tetra, I think normal us different for each one of us. My ideas of normal could maybe stifle or bore some but as long as it works for us. xx

Tetra

Yes, this is similar to what the doctor said. Thank you x

abcowboy

Tetra, you should never stop looking back, it is the only way you'll learn from the mistakes you've made, more so though, look to the future with the knowledge of knowing the mistakes you've made, and doing everything you can not to make the same mistakes again.... what a bright future you have in front of you!

Gal220

I totally cried when I read this. People tell me things like this as well. I just can't believe them. I don't know why. But I can say that it's probably not about the circumstances - at least it isn't for me. I felt like a loser when I was a single, unemployed, alcoholic living with my parents. I still feel like a loser six years sober, employed, married, with two beautiful kids. I think the problem is me. So somehow we just have to learn to love ourselves. When you figure it out, let me know!

Johno1967

Tetra, now think of a rabbit...............

I bet you saw a bunny pop up in your head. Now try to fight it and make it go away.....
I bet its still there.
The more we struggle with our thoughts, the more energy we give them and the more they persist. We get frustrated and try to fight the thoughts harder and the cycle continues.

I bet thinking about the Rabbit helped your for a moment and may have made you smile.

The fact is, we often cannot control the thoughts that come in our head, some of us can't at all. What we can decide is whether we attach ourselves to these thoughts or let them go.

Yes, you've had a tough time of it. We all have and we understand. All I can say is that if I go for a drive and spend most of my time looking in the rear view mirror I'm going to miss whats happening now in front of me.

You can move forward and let the past go without slamming the door shut on it.

EndGameNYC

Just as you'll always live with your seizures and be able to manage them, Tetra, so too can you live with your problems with alcohol, and manage them as well. Same goes for your memories.

Memories of the regrettable things that I've done, both drunk and sober, have never completely left me. But my sobriety allows to me to consider them without their carrying the same power they once held over me.

Your therapist is working to tap into the goodness in who you are, to allow you to access parts of yourself that may have gone neglected, unacknowledged, unknown, among much else.

Trauma -- and I do consider active alcoholism to be traumatic -- allows one of the best opportunities we have in life to recreate ourselves, and to leave behind a chapter in our lives that should never have been written.

Living in the moment won't erase the past, nor will it guarantee a happy future. But there is nothing to lose and everything to gain by being present in every given moment. It sounds trite, flip and clichè to say it, but one of the best ways to create a better past is to live well in the present.

DoubleBarrel

This quote came to mind

"We are going to know a new freedom
and a new happiness.
We will not regret the past
nor wish to shut the door on it."

Be kind to yourself, give yourself time. It gets better. Sometimes I think about and remember things that happen and it freaks me out. But you know what?

The past is gone and the future isn't here yet.

Look around you. You are doing ok at the moment, right?

We can really get into over thinking the past, which we cannot change, and future tripping, which is really just setting up expectations. Focus on the here and now when you feel like this. Everything's fine. Now.

LadyBlue0527

Hi Tetra,

I think it's hard not to reflect on the past or to wonder what the future will bring but sometimes that can be so hard in recovery. It feels like you can't get out of your own head which then in turn makes you sad and depressed. I've had many of those moments.

What helped me when my thoughts headed in that direction was to realize that all that I really need to do in order to live is to think about right now. This very moment. Then I'd find something to do to busy my mind. Watch a movie, pick up a book, go for a walk. Something that forced me to get out of my own head to help me just focus on the present.

Sometimes when you realize that it can be a bit of a relief. The past is the past, the future isn't here yet. You can only do something about right now.

matt4x4

Step 9 helps out tremendously. I will not regret the past. Amazing!!!!!!!

MattyBoy

Sorry to hear your dealing with flashbacks tetra. I've had many recently and they always occur when I'm lying in bed about to go to sleep. As other people have said though, trying to live in the present moment is really the only way of diminishing the power these flashbacks can over our emotional state. It takes practice to live in the now as it is human nature to reflect on the oast and look anxiously toward the future. It's what separates us from animals and is the achievement of the human consciousness, but for many people it's got out of control .

Something that helps me before I go to sleep is watching some videos on youtube by alan watts or eckhart tolle. If you have access to youtube before going to bed , I'd really recommend them. They help to calm the irrelevant 'mind noise' and gain some perspective on whats really important in life

behindblueyes

I am a 33 year old single mom with epilepsy. Since my neuro pulls my license every time I have a seizure, I have lost a lot of jobs and had to change my whole life around to fit the disease. I'm averaging 1 seizure per month whether I drink or not and 9 pills a day won't stop them.

Some days (today) I don't even get out of bed. Just know that you are not alone. If you want to pm me feel free.

Seren

Hi Tetra, I'm Seren...

I'm not an alcoholic, but I get hit in waves sometimes by memories of things that I did as a child or young adult that just shame and embarrass me to think of. It's usually not triggered by any event...just driving home from work, going grocery shopping, whatever. Then 'BAM' out of nowhere this memory wells up and I'm horrified.

What I try to do is think about how different I am now as an adult and that if someone else had done the same thing--I would not be judging them at all.

I agree with your therapist. I find your posts to be self-aware, gentle, and thoughtful.

My hope for you, and all addicts and alcoholics who struggle, is that you come to realize you are a valuable person worthy of dignity and respect.

Johno1967

Tetra's post just bought up a question in my mind. Is it possible that some recovering addicts in some way display certain characteristics of PTSD bought on by the trauma, anxiety, guilt and stress of years if drinking and drugging?
For me the spiritual key has been the answer to my recovery. I would not be here on self will alone.

Tetra

Thank you all for all the kind and helpful replies

Actually since I quit drinking, I haven't had a seizure, a jerk or a tremor...this is great

No major anxiety or nausea and I am feeling better, sleeping better and eating better.

I didn't realise I had gotten so thin until I met a friend a few months ago and then I didn't see him for another few weeks. He said the second time "wow, I'm glad you have gained some weight, you were so skinny. I could feel the bones in your back".

Instead of relieving stress and pain, alcohol was causing most of it x