Pia

I'd like to first applaud everyone on here getting help. I believe you are very strong and I thank you so much for being a part of SR and allowing me to be apart as well.

I have a question and wanted to see if someone does not mind answering from their perspective and experience.

My husband can look me and you in the face and lie and not think twice about it. He is moved out the house. He has been on drugs and alcohol most of his 35 years of life. I'm trying to keep this short about him if not I would be here writing novels.

How can I get him to admit that he has cheated on me. I can ask till im blue in the face and he will deny it but I need him to admit it. I don't need details just a Yes.

I can't just assume or speculate. too long to explain the reasoning behind it.

What would be the best way to get him to admit he has done so? Or can you tell me that not all "alcoholics" and "drug users" are faithful.

My husband has abandoned me and could care less so I don't understand why he won't admit it .

Amajorityofone

Unless you're willing to hire a private investigator to provide proof so that you can then throw the evidence in your husband's face, you can't. Even then, I'm not sure what this would accomplish.

KateL

It's a hard one. I was drunk for most of my last relationship which lasted 15 years and was never unfaithful xxxxx

Pia

its to complex to say why I need him to admit it.
I was hoping for ideas since he lies.
I'm trying to go out my realm of thinking to understand his thinking, I'm trying to wrap my mind around understanding alcoholism and drug addiction.

So do I need him to believe he won or he holds all the cards.
example telling him he won he got out the house, got his freedom, got his own place, no one nagging him yada yada now can you tell me if you have been unfaithful? Or is it pointless.

Anna

It's probably most useful if you put your energy into taking care of yourself. If you don't trust him, you don't trust him - does it really matter whether he admits it or not?

page58

If he's an alcoholic, then he's probably well-skilled at being dishonest. You can't change that, and typically trying to control a situation or person you truly have no power over- in this case, trying to control a person who himself has lost all control over alcohol, results in more pain for you. This has been my experience.

Have you considered attending Alanon? That program is excellent at learning how to release you from that brand of suffering.

Pia

Hi page58- Yes i'm learning to just take care of me.

I just am trying to figure out how I can admit it just a simple yes or no. I promise there wouldn't be drama or anything just actually relief that he finally admitted it.

I'm not trying to fix him. I didn't want to go into detail why it is so important for him to tell me because it is to long.

I guess its safe to say I will never get it?

tomsteve

"What would be the best way to get him to admit he has done so? "
coming from the side of an alcoholic, it never mattered whether there was hard core proof put in front of me, id still deny it. best thing was for people to walk away from me for their own good.

"My husband has abandoned me and could care less so I don't understand why he won't admit it . "
that's what alcoholism and addict can do. I would strongly encourage you to not try and understand it and focus on healing yourself.

ScottFromWI

You can't. You already know, so i'd also recommend taking care of yourself and moving on. As much as it hurts, you have no control over his thoughts. Just like most of us had to get sober on our own- nothing that anyone could do or say would "make us" get sober - we had to do it ourselves.

So it's entirely possible he will admit to you what you seek someday, but there is really nothing - and I mean NOTHING you can do to force it. Please seek help for yourself.

Hope4Life

Radiant,

I will approach this from another angle. What if he decides to lie again and tell you he DID cheat on you (when he didn't) just to make you feel bad? It sure sounds like a possibility with him..... PAIN for you and twisted satisfaction for him.

Please, take some deep breath's and think about this. What difference does it make now. You cannot go back into the past and find out what he did. If you are still married but separated, what possible good is going to come out of the answer to this question.

Talk to a lawyer and make a decision on what to do to better your life for yourself and your child.

Peace to you.

Notimetoloose

Hey Radiant, he may take it to his grave if it's true, his lying may have very little to do with his drug and alcohol use although that will certainly compound his lack of honesty, he could also just be a pathological liar.
We can invest a awful lot of time and thinking into being right and end up unhappy...

If you can accept that you may never know it will a step closer to hopefully eventual indifference to him and his life.

BadCompany

Of all the things you could possible want, why this?

matrac

Not sure why you need him to admit it? If you lack trust, that is problem enough. Now he has left, why do you need anything more hurtful from him? What do you have to gain by that?

pattiopatti

you already know the answer. Consider the breakup a blessing and start making plans for your fabulous new future. Once you no longer trust your partner the relationship is over. I wish I had all the years I wasted trying to hold onto dead relationships. Ah hindsight............

karate

Nothing to be gained by him telling you ,and nothing but hurt for you to know .

I would drop it .

I drank excessive amounts ,yet never cheated on my wife .

abcowboy

I think page hit the nail on the head, if he said no with a smile, or yes with the same smile, what would you believe? You'll believe what you want no matter what the answer... so don't waste time or energy on it, it's not worth it! As a RAH, I know that I will never earn 100% trust from my wife again, nor should I expect it, she knows as well as I do that it's one day at a time... the road to hell is paved with good intentions, but everyday I come home sober is another day she didn't have to worry about me.....

Pia

Hi-I was trying not to get into but I was needing it from the divorce aspect but
reading everyone's comments I so appreciate

I believe the best thing to do is just wait and it will come out sooner or later.
Who cares if it's later right. In the grand scheme I have other things to worry about.

myheartaches

Dear One,

I'm sorry to hear about this and I may not be overly experienced, but my experience in a relationship with a drug addict has told me that they never tell the truth about anything because that is part of admitting to themselves that they have a problem. Because most of their lives they spend trying to cover up the truth of what and who they are, they lie about everything and eventually to the point of believing the lies themselves. They are in a mind altered state all of the time, which is a form of escapism from reality, and that makes it so much easier to not face the truth of any situtation. I wish I could tell you some way to get the truth from him, but I think you probably know it already in your heart.

I send you my good energy.

GracieLou

The only way he will ever admit his faults is to recovery from his addiction and that could take years or never.

Some day he may make an amends but I advise you not to sit around waiting for it.

I was not a big liar but my ex-husband was. While he never cheated on me, that I know of, there have been others things and I had at the time proof positive right in his face and he still spun a lie.

You are not going to get honesty until he can be honest with himself and I am afraid that may never happen. Move on and live your life.

newme2day

You may never know the answer. I can tell you i have been married for almost 20 years, drank during most of those years, never cheated.